By Igor Toutellalai, American Media Collective

The Department of Homeland Security wants Americans to fight back against violent gunmen with the most effective means of self-defense without the risks associated with gun ownership: Kung fu.

The DHS has recently posted a training video on how to use such items as scissors to defend against an armed assailant. But this only the start in what DHS officials believes will be a popular transformation of American culture, from gun-toting cowboys to high-kicking martial artists.

“Many Americans remember the popularity of David Carradine's gentle Kwai Chang Caine on the TV show ‘Kung Fu,” said Sally McClusky, a mass murder defense analyst with the DHS who is working on the new program. “We want more Americans to identify with him than all the cowboys he fought, all using his bare hands.”

McClusky says that President Barack Obama is very interested in moving American culture away from a gun-oriented society to one that is more peaceful. She said that the President has instructed the Department of Education to begin working on a new meditation curriculum for Kindergarten through Third Grade, after which students will begin martial arms training.

“For our part, DHS wants Americans to be safe without the risks associated with firearms,” said McClusky. “As we move away from gun ownership, unarmed self-defense is the natural direction that things will lead towards.”

Using existing videos from Hong Kong, DHS and the DOE are working on school training programs for teachers to defend their classrooms using such Kung Fu styles as Drunken Boxing, Eagle Claw, Five Animals, Hsing I, Hung Gar, Monkey, Bak Mei Pai, Praying Mantis, Fujian White Crane, Jow Ga, Wing Chun and T'ai chi ch'uan. Students will also see changes in their physical education requirements as traditional team sports will be replaced with group exercises and katas, which are formulated series of moves designed to teach students the necessary moves associated with the martial arts style they are studying.

The First Lady (Michelle Obama) has already decided that the Let's Move program needs a drastic make-over in the fight to combat childhood obesity,” McClusky said. “You don't see fat people doing kung fu, right? By getting Americans hooked on Kung Fu films and practicing unarmed martial arms techniques, we can get a whole lot of people healthier and safer at the same time.”

McClusky said that some teachers, due to medical conditions such as chronic obesity or PTSD will be excused from participation in the program. The DOE is planning to mandate that all teachers unable to handle the physical rigors of martial arts training will be paired with a classroom-based ‘sensei' who will double as bodyguard and physical education instructor.

“We think that the meditation program will also help with classroom discipline,” added McClusky. “Plus, kung fu movies are full of positive messages like working towards your goals and standing up to bullies.”

This program is likely to be followed by a new DOE mandate banning all firearms, including those carried by security guards or police, from school campuses under what is now being called the ‘Empty Hand Zone' where all campus defense will follow the kung fu model of unarmed combat.

Faithfully submitted to the Collective of the People's Cube,
Comrade Nomenklatura-climber
Dialectical Progressivism Translator

They also recommend "duck and cover."
Oops, that's Homeland Security hiding from the press.

Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano describes proper angle to assume when diving under desk for protection

Above are the type of scissors recommended by DHS for self defense against armed terrorists, including Teabaggers and Rethugglikkkans. Note that these are Standard, Approved Scissors™, grandfathered in for legal ownership by the Assault Scissors Ban of 2014.

Finally, a photo (above) of the type of scissors NOT grandfathered by the 2014 Ban, which cannot be legally possessed, sold, or transferred.

There is no sporting or trimming use for assault scissors, with their dastardly high-capacity grips and dangerous looking colors.

Since children are known to like fuzzy animals, those are best suited to act as role models in raising the next generation of gun-free, empty-handed citizens.

[img]/images/Gung_Fu_Kitty_Training_Video_Schools.jpg[/img]

Unarmed Combat Training Videos. Recommended for public schools, colleges, and other gun-free zones

Nomenklatura-climber wrote:The First Lady (Michelle Obama) has already decided that the Let's Move program needs a drastic make-over in the fight to combat childhood obesity,” McClusky said.

Comrades, I can see that we have a LONG way to go, judging by the snip above from the original otherwise very enlightening and progressive article:

We need to stop using words such as "fight" and "combat" - why, this is no better than Sarah Palin's "targeting" people during elections!

Observe:

The First Lady (Michelle Obama) has already decided that the Let's Move program needs a drastic make-over in the fight struggle to combat eliminate childhood obesity,” McClusky said.

Now isn't that better? (Bearing in mind, of course, that "better" is a nonsensical word, since all things are equal in today's progressive world of NextTuesday™).

Very funny article aricle Nomenklatura-climber. How long did it take you to write it? Some of these fake articles here on the cube turn out to be real! So I would not be suprized to see that the DHS one day really does recommend attacking a shooter with scissors. Red Square, when that happens please make a life imitates the cube posting. Thanks.

Comrade Ted, Due to my advanced government training, these article usually take 20 minutes, or most of a union-approved break from beet processing at the Collective Farm, where I am Assistant Beet Sorter during the harvest. I do get to be Senior Beet Sorter when Vadim gets a headache from staying up late at night sampling the fermentation barrels.

Ted State wrote:Very funny article aricle Nomenklatura-climber. How long did it take you to write it? Some of these fake articles here on the cube turn out to be real! So I would not be suprized to see that the DHS one day really does recommend attacking a shooter with scissors. Red Square, when that happens please make a life imitates the cube posting. Thanks.

Ted State wrote: Some of these fake articles here on the cube turn out to be real! So I would not be suprized to see that the DHS one day really does recommend attacking a shooter with scissors. Red Square, when that happens please make a life imitates the cube posting. Thanks.

Ahem. Comrade State. There is a link in the original article to the actual, real video produced by Homeland Security which suggests hiding and scissors defense.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oI5EoWB ... r_embedded

Get your defense scissors while they're still legal.

Comrade Nomenklatura-climber these fake articles and videos that seem to be real are the funniest part of the Cube. If the article took 2o minutes, this video you made must have taken a few days. I mean really, scissors against a shooter? Now that is funny.How did you think of that? I still have a sneeky feeling that the government may one day actually take that insane advice, make a video and life will once again imitate the Cube, but until then Extra Beet Vodka for you for thinking of such a funny article and video. Well done.

Found this way back in the People's Archives.....

R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:

Ted State wrote: Some of these fake articles here on the cube turn out to be real! So I would not be suprized to see that the DHS one day really does recommend attacking a shooter with scissors. Red Square, when that happens please make a life imitates the cube posting. Thanks.

Ahem. Comrade State. There is a link in the original article to the actual, real video produced by Homeland Security which suggests hiding and scissors defense.

Get your defense scissors while they're still legal.

And if the shooter has scissors, you can use paper! Paper covers scissors, right? Oh, wait, I think that's rock. Are our schools Rock Free Zones ™?

[img]/images/clipart/Prog_Off.gif[/img]
"Be sure to hide in a place the shooter is not likely to find you."No, I was planning to hide in full view....

Rock on Princess!! But have you considered THIS??!!

This outfit keeps me safe and chaste... I have never been penetrated!

How do you go potty?

Comrade Putout wrote:This outfit keeps me safe and chaste... I have never been penetrated!

putout-scissorhands.jpg

When is Homeland Security going to produce a video on how to avoid being shot by novice hunters?


--KOOK

*silently loads panda gun*

As a peace-loving Progressive, I abhor violence of ANY kind! As Obama might say, it's behaving stupidly.

I still say the only solution is to talk to the attacker, that we may try to understand him or her. Let us talk and understand, and we may find out the attacker is just as much a victim.

A victim of no opportunity.

A victim of no hope.

A victim of lack of funding.

A victim of no justice, be it social, economic, environmental, or reproductive.

All of which can be traced straight back to obstructionist Republicans! And what do THEY want to do? CUT! CUT! CUT!

And what instruments are used for cutting? Hatchets! Axes! Knives! Vicious, noisy, gasoline-powered chain saws! And yes, even scissors!

I hope all of you comrades will join me in raising awareness of the need for less violence by donning our newest awareness ribbon and wristband, gathering celebrities together to record a song, and taking part in Obama's new Anti-Violence Council (formerly known as his Jobs Council).

Now, what's with the panda gun, Rooster? There are buy-back programs for that! Put it down at once before I whack you with my shovel. Rooster!

WHACK!!!

Now maybe you'll remember...we abhor violence of ANY kind!

As I pointed out in a previous post, I agree with Pinkie - even WORDS which suggest violence disturbance are too much in a fully progressive society. Our western culture is loaded full of these V-Words, and we must stop going off half cocked speaking too soon at every turn. We must aim shoot strive for 100% adherence to a new, glorious non-V-Word dialect - we look for causes of the violence disturbance that reigns in the USSA currently, and we rightly blame Evil Guns - but the smoking gun proof of the depth of western depravity is in our speech itself.

We've got to stick to our guns hold to our implements on this one, comrades - the peace and safety of the civilized, progressive world of NextTuesday™ depends on it.

But, Comrade Rock, can't we use 'male words' against things like obesity and Republicans?

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:
All of which can be traced straight back to obstructionist Republicans! And what do THEY want to do? CUT! CUT! CUT!

Nomenklatura-climber wrote:But, Comrade Rock, can't we use 'male words' against things like obesity and Republicans?

Only those who are more equal than others in the Party may do so, Comrade Climber. They know who they are.

Nomenklatura-climber wrote:How do you go potty?

Same as when I had long nails!

Just be sure never to have a face-palm "doh" moment.

R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:

Ted State wrote: Some of these fake articles here on the cube turn out to be real! So I would not be suprized to see that the DHS one day really does recommend attacking a shooter with scissors. Red Square, when that happens please make a life imitates the cube posting. Thanks.

Ahem. Comrade State. There is a link in the original article to the actual, real video produced by Homeland Security which suggests hiding and scissors defense.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oI5EoWB ... r_embedded

Get your defense scissors while they're still legal.

Doesn't she look like Moochelle from this angle? Are those bangs we don't see?

Comrade R.O.C.K.,

Ah, I see DHS believes knows the police come on the scene with their Evil Military-Style Assault Weapons™ to threaten the potential victims! And it is a correctly bald, fat, junk-food-snarfing (no doubt) white racist-misogynist policeman threatening the poor potential victims, one of whom is African-American (shown in the still), no less. Police – of the local, county, and state variety – a US of KKK holdover that threatens the safety of our beloved proles! Truly DHS is proving their worth as a beloved Prog Department, in the production of this most excellent training video.

Remember, no non-federal police-person needs ten rounds to kill a deer.

What? Isn't that what they use their guns for? When they're not killing innocent potential victims, that is.

What we need are properly orange 0bamacorpsemen. They will be permitted to carry federally-approved high-capacity-clip-and-grip equipped assault weapons (including Assault Scissors), and will bring guns to knife fights, as Dear 0'Leader specified before His Immaculation. And they will not be racist. By definition, hating Whitey is not racist.

Comrade Putout wrote:This outfit keeps me safe and chaste... I have never been penetrated!

putout-scissorhands is no longer available? Oh DRAT!

Not even by Comrade ThePeoplesComrade?

By the way, cats do indeed go. And they do other things, too. Not so often in the shower but… Very perceptive Comradette!

Commissar Redumdimski wrote:

Comrade Putout wrote:This outfit keeps me safe and chaste... I have never been penetrated!

Not even by Comrade ThePeoplesComrade?

You got me there! I denounce myself!

I am surprised by a startling omission from this training video. I am startled by a surprising omission from this training video as well. They left out the most trusted and effective defensive stance of the Party, the ancient and illustrious art of Fling Pu.

When a reporter asks an inconvenient question of Jay Carney (no, wait, it could happen) and he is unable to swerve his little clown car in time to dodge the question entirely, how does he defend the administration? He resorts to Fling Pu!

When Harry Reid needs to explain how a dip in GDP and a rise in unemployment in what has ALWAYS been the most productive quarter of any year is actually a sign of a robust and recovering economy, how does he blame the bad economic news on something other than the policies that foster it? He uses Fling Pu against Mitch McConnell.

When President Obama wants to disarm the public for the common good, but needs to convince the rubes that he is actually a gun-loving red-blooded jolly good fellow, what does he do? Fling Pu!

So, when the evil bitter clinging Bible thumping terrorist rampages into your DHS office, hide under the desk and get ready to Fling Pu! (Big Sis Dis Claimer: Fling Pu is so simple that even a chimpanzee can pick it up almost immediately. Bearing this in mind, The DHS Subdepartment of Agitprop is currently at work producing a six-part instructional video series that will hopefully be able to train the average DHS apparatchik the basics of Fling Pu.)

Ivan Betinov wrote:
...The DHS Subdepartment of Agitprop is currently at work producing a six-part instructional video series that will hopfully be able to train the average DHS apparatchik the basics of Fling Pu.

I have it on good authority that the DHS SoDA SDoA is hopfullying to it. Hopfully we'll be able to view the video series in its entirety real soon now - then we'll all train and engage in Fling Pu!

LOLCat sez "Skeletor needz Pie!"

And so, the epic battle between Good and Evil continues...

Thank you, Redumdimski, for pointing out the typo above. The chimp at that keyboard has been suitably punished with a sound spanking.

Comradette Putsitout;

I think that trait was transferred to the animal kingdom by watching press briefings.

Ivan Betinov wrote:Thank you, Redumdimski, for pointing out the typo above. The chimp at that keyboard has been suitably punished with a sound spanking.

Comrade Brain-in-Jar, it appears from the whooping and gyrations from that corner of the Cube that the chimp interpreted his punishment as something other than intended, and is demanding more. (Mumbles under breath: Did our dear Comradette Putout inflict that spanking?)

Much like our dear proles in 0bamaville. (Although to be fair they have been indoctrinated to believe know that punishment is correctly interpreted as pleasure.)

R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:

GoodVEvil.jpg

And so, the epic battle between Good and Evil continues...

Comrade R.O.C.K., Cats are indeed a force for good.

But then, our self-appointed Masters of the Universe are forces for good also. They tell us so every day. And so we believe if we want to avoid the gulag.

A compelling emotional plea from the House of Sunny -

Commissar Redumdimski wrote:

R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:

The attachment GoodVEvil.jpg is no longer available

And so, the epic battle between Good and Evil continues...

Comrade R.O.C.K., Cats are indeed a force for good.

Comrade, I feared that some might be unaware of the meaning, although I must agree that in the broader sense cats are, indeed, a force for good in the world. We have not even broached the subject of Cat Fu, by which cats all over the known universe subdue evil on a daily basis.

However, in the skeletal graphic above, the cat in the upper right is known as Ceiling Cat; the cat in the lower left, Basement Cat.

I shall herein include a graphic posted here on TheCube™ by your humble R.O.C.K. long ago, which will hopefully clarify these two preeminent cats somewhat -

A guy takes a little time off and misses out. What the heck is going on in here?

R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:Comrade, I feared that some might be unaware of the meaning, although I must agree that in the broader sense cats are, indeed, a force for good in the world. We have not even broached the subject of Cat Fu, by which cats all over the known universe subdue evil on a daily basis.

However, in the skeletal graphic above, the cat in the upper right is known as Ceiling Cat; the cat in the lower left, Basement Cat.

I shall herein include a graphic posted here on TheCube™ by your humble R.O.C.K. long ago, which will hopefully clarify these two preeminent cats somewhat - attachment=GardenObamaCard

Redumdimski like cats and Cat Fu too! Especially Ceiling and Basement Cats!
AGREED: Cats are a force for good, and looked on with sadness when Americans were kicked out of the Shining City on the Hill.

But what's with the bleak, dark, oppressive, grainy B&W stuff that's starting to appear on this thread?
Happy Happy Happy! We all live in Happy 0bamaland!

Red Square wrote:A compelling emotional plea from the House of Sunny -

Yes! I demand more coffee!

Commissar Redumdimski wrote: AGREED: Cats are a force for good, and looked on with sadness when Americans were kicked out of the Shining City on the Hill.

But what's with the bleak, dark, oppressive, grainy B&W stuff that's starting to appear on this thread?

Ah, Comrade - the grainy B&W of the Garden, to which you may be referring (now living in Current Truth) is gray merely to highlight the more equal Blue of Obamacard™! And after all, except for the presence of their Obamacard™, it WAS a bleak, dark, and oppressive day, only recently resolved on November 6, 2012, when humynkind finally achieved the glorious world of NextTuesday™ - which, of course, promises to be even better than that silly old Garden with its >spit< "rule".

Comrade Brain-in-Jar, it appears from the whooping and gyrations from that corner of the Cube that the chimp interpreted his punishment as something other than intended, and is demanding more. (Mumbles under breath: Did our dear Comradette Putout inflict that spanking?)

Sir, I'll have you know I am not a slacker when it comes to simian punishment. When I spank a monkey, you may rest assured my monkey has been spanked!

R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:Ah, Comrade - the grainy B&W of the Garden, to which you may be referring (now living in Current Truth) is gray merely to highlight the more equal Blue of Obamacard™! And after all, except for the presence of their Obamacard™, it WAS a bleak, dark, and oppressive day, only recently resolved on November 6, 2012, when humynkind finally achieved the glorious world of NextTuesday™ - which, of course, promises to be even better than that silly old Garden with its >spit< "rule".

Comrade R.O.C.K., your imagery is a fine testament to our new recognition that to achieve heaven on earth, all humyns everywhere must be Progged into Purgatory (since that is where our heaven lies), and the evil old KKKapitalist Mr. and Mrs. America have by our wise and glorious effort (for their own good) been Progressively kicked out of the Shining City on the Hill, FORWARD!™-marched by the 0bamessiah into the fundamentally transformed Progressive World of 0bamaland.

All Hail Savior 0bamessiah, ruler über alles!

Ivan Betinov wrote:Sir, I'll have you know I am not a slacker when it comes to simian punishment. When I spank a monkey, you may rest assured my monkey has been spanked!

IB, does that explain that vacuous grin you've displayed all day as you wander aimlessly about the Cube?

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: And what instruments are used for cutting? Hatchets! Axes! Knives! Vicious, noisy, gasoline-powered chain saws! And yes, even scissors!

I hope all of you comrades will join me in raising awareness of the need for less violence by donning our newest awareness ribbon and wristband, gathering celebrities together to record a song, and taking part in Obama's new Anti-Violence Council (formerly known as his Jobs Council).

Now, what's with the panda gun, Rooster? There are buy-back programs for that! Put it down at once before I whack you with my shovel. Rooster!

WHACK!!!

Now maybe you'll remember...we abhor violence of ANY kind!

BLTN.....
BaGAWKKKK!!!