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WASHINGTON, DC - The U.S. Department of Justice has announced it will begin the trial stages of a new kind of federal bureau tasked with determining what is and what is not hate speech in communities that experience high social turmoil due to recognized discrimination, such as the cities of Detroit, Chicago, Baltimore, and the District of Columbia.

Agents of the new bureau, tentatively named 'Social Sensors,' or 'SS' for short, will be literally 'sensing' the public and alerting authorities to hate speech and criminal discrimination by majority groups, similar to how smoke alarms alert to a fire. Social Sensors will then advise local law enforcement on how to proceed on a case by case basis. Since hate statements can be verbal, hand-written, recorded, or posted online, Social Sensors will inevitably acquire federal authority over telephone communications, as well as all messages sent through social media.

Agents working as Social Sensors will be exclusively chosen from volunteering welfare applicants in an effort to employ individuals who may not otherwise be able to find work in our biased society, as well as to lower the unemployment numbers in respective cities.

Tina Schrodder, the daughter of German immigrants to the U.S. and a proud gay woman, has been unable to find employment for over 12 years due to her excessive weight, which is a medically crippling condition. But thanks to the new federal program she can finally work again.

In an email interview with us, Schrodder wrote, "I'm so happy to finally be able to work doing something that matters to me. It's also comforting that there is no physical fitness standard for the position since I won't be the one physically interacting with my targets. So my weight is finally no longer holding me back."

Schrodder, and those like her, will be outfitted with rascal mobility scooters, if needed, as well as the federally granted power to charge people on the spot with what they define as "criminal hate speech." Such a charge can carry a hefty fine or, in some extreme cases, jail time if the SS agent convicts a perpetrator at the scene of hate speech. Local police will then be summoned to issue a citation or detain the convicted hatemonger.

Having been a victim of discrimination and hate speech for years, Schrodder feels as though she has been redeemed as a functional member of society and says she can't wait to confront her many former bullies with her newly acquired federal powers.

The DOJ is hoping that enforcing verbal regulations through the new SS agency will help to create a more socially accepting environment for victimized minority communities, ranging from the obese victims of body shaming to victims of Islamaphobia. Residents of the experimental cities are advised to dial 911 if they encounter any belittling, hurtful, or potentially offensive speech and report it like they would any other emergency.

A spokesperson for the DOJ has made an ambitious prediction that by 2025 every U.S. county will have at least two federal Social Sensors on duty, helping to fundamentally change local communities by monitoring their careless verbal and written communications.

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The precious little snowflake at Yale...
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Look at the concentration on this man's face!
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Comrade Fhalkyn... thank you for reminding us of this hilarious episode of South Park!

Comrade Chedoh,

Thanks for that Current-Progress™ report. It's reassuring to know Mzzzz Schrodder's weight is no longer keeping her down. BTW: Are you sure this story isn't a sneaky back-door way for Rascal Mobility Scooters to get free advertising for their new fork lift business?

"Hefty" fine? Hate speech! Report yourself immediately, Comrade Chedoh!

Bump.

You can't say that.