MOUNT VERNON, VA - Early this morning, caretakers at Mount Vernon discovered that the front gate of George Washington's mausoleum was pried off of its hinges and his remains taken from his resting place of 216 years. Local police have since sealed off the entire crime scene and has not allowed reporters or anyone else access to the sight until investigations are complete.

Detective James Larson of the Mt. Vernon P.D. has made a press release describing the scene saying that the front gate to the mausoleum was destroyed, as well as the stone sarcophagus that contained the remains of George Washington. Within the shattered stone were broken pieces of wood, identified as the coffin, but there were no traces of the body. In its place was a note explaining the motives for the crime.

According to the note, the theft of the body was committed by a group of social activists who claim that the Founding Fathers of the United States were racists and that we as a nation should no longer hold their kind as heroes.

The public outcry has been mixed, with some people expressing support and others being angered by the act. This has lead political commentators to suggest that due the growing number of instances of postmortem persecution of historical American figures, causing them to be exhumed and relocated, the body theft is seen as a justified and dignified protest by many within the progressive movement.

Lacey Boon, the leader of the local Democratic Party, has publicly praised the desecration of Washington's tomb as "a long overdue social justice," later adding, "no crimes by racists will ever go unpunished; we need to rethink who we look up to in this country. When we do, it should not be the likes of George Washington and other late 18th century bigots."

Since the break of the story, a petition to pardon the perpetrators has been circulated among progressive Facebook pages, garnishing 18,000 signatures in only a few hours. The petition was created by the same individuals who were behind the 'poop on flag challenge.'

According to the police, it was this Facebook page that has garnished the most signatures, but investigators are still looking into all possible angles and haven't made any conclusion yet as to the identity of the perpetrators.

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I don't Facebook, but please tell me that this movement of movements on the flag is a farce. Please tell me Chedoh is a Photoshop wizard...please say it ain't so...

I know this is being picky but

"... broken pieces of wood ..."

may well have been the lost relics of Washington's teeth. Just sayin'.

(By the way ... this post meets and exceeds the "picture is worth a thousand words" criteria established by The People's Agitation Commission [flag division].)

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H8ers gonna h8... why won't they just leave us alone?!
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Tragically, fellow Ivan, it is not a farce. These idiots seem to believe that the document that declared independence, the document that created the republic, and the flag that represents both are evil and racist and deserve to be shat upon. I'm not sure if it is the "all men are created equal" or the idea of a bill of rights that limits the power of government that ignites their passion, but they certainly do hate the ideals that recognize their right to be assholes.

It seems that because the Declaration and the Constitution did not immediately make all persons completely equal in every way, the very ideas expressed in them must be false and thus rejected out of hand. As for the men who held those ideals, who expressed them so eloquently, because some of them failed to live up to the ideals to which they aspired, they too must be consigned to the ash-heap of history.

This is a great example of what passes for logic today.

It is like having an alcoholic realize that being a continual, sloppy drunk is bad, that living in a state of drunkenness damages his health, his ties with family, and his ability to keep a job (unless, of course, he is a government employee, but I digress). In this moment of clarity, the alcoholic--Let's call him "Ted"-- goes to an AA meeting and makes a declaration: "Being a Drunk is a bad idea! We should encourage each other to sober up, to limit our drinking, to drink only in moderation!"

Ted then steps off into the brave new world...and slips a week later, taking a drink, then another, and then another. Before the night is over, he is knee-crawling drunk again. He shows up at the next AA meeting, where he is confronted by his failure. He is ashamed. He faces a mighty struggle within himself, one side realizing that habitual drunkenness is bad, the other craving the bottle. He struggles with this for months, a battle that damn near splits him in half, before he renounces alcohol completely. He dries out completely, never touches another drop.

In normal logic, we would look at Ted and say "Good job, Ted! It was hard, we know, to finally get it right and live up to the ideal you expressed at that first declaration of independence from the bottle, but you made it!"

By the logic of these idiots, we should instead look at Ted and scorn both him and the ideal he expressed. "Bad Ted! You held up something that you said was true and failed to instantly live up to it! You are evil, and the ideal you expressed must be rejected! We're going to take your idea that being sober is a good thing and wipe our asses with it, and we are going to spit on you as you pass and call you a liar and a hypocrite!"

It doesn't matter that being sober is a good idea, or that Ted finally accomplished that goal.What matters is that Ted not only spoke a Truth with a capital "T," he eventually lived up to that ideal. This means that it can be done, and that really pisses off the drunks. See, they (that is to say these fools wiping their asses with the flag) believe that it can't be done. They don't believe that all men are created equal; they believe in the class struggle. It is what fuels their being. They do not want equality. They want superiority...for themselves.