Today in Meridian, Idaho which is just a Molotov cocktails throw from my bunker, a school was put on lock-down when a student brought a WWII military-style assault shovel into the building.
I hate to sound like a bitter-clinger but I find this troubling. Are they coming after our shovels next? Has The Party's™ plan to disarm the population back-fired on us, and our useful idiots are overreacting and about to infringe on our right to bear shovels? Where did we go wrong?
Besides which, Maksim, we may be (kind of) neighbors.
And yes, I have no doubt that they're coming after our shovels. Just this afternoon, I was in the local hardware store and noticed that the shelves were stripped bare of what had only a couple of days ago been a delightful assortment of shovels and shoveling implements - there were two hoes left, but they went even as I watched.
The checkout guy told me that they sold three years worth of shovels in less than three hours, when the word from Meridian hit the airwaves.
And bear in mind, these weren't even actual military assault shovels - they just looked a lot like them, having handles and a large, scooping sort of a blade on the end. Most didn't even fold up! And now they're six months back-ordered. All of them.
I even heard a rumor that large spoons are now sold out at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
(or in Pinkie's arsenal, seven whacks?)
She can hit me with a shovel anytime... love those Proletariat girls! I bet she knows how to use a chain saw, too.
...from my cold, dead hands.
We must not have a "shovel gap" comrades!
Damn! I better sell my inventory off quick!
Despite my unbounded admiration for your unfairly, excessively and over-distributed talent, you are WRONG! When all shovels are banned, only Michelle Obama will have a shovel. That's why she said to Pinkie, "I will Barry you."
Did you forget the now-famous tug-of-war in the White House won by Michelle despite valiant efforts by Pinkie?
Or is that a photoshop created by Organizing for America to create the false impression that Michelle won that tug of war?
Nomenklatura-climbershovelready.jpgShe can hit me with a shovel anytime... love those Proletariat girls! I bet she knows how to use a chain saw, too.
Clearly, you have not yet met Comrade Olga Photoshopova (did I spell that right?)
So the anti-shovel extremists don’t want their little darlings exposed to shovels? Afraid their kid will dig a hole in the yard and ruin their precious lawn? That’s exactly why PUS has a program geared especially to children. Working hand in wing with Red Rooster, I’ve established the Charlie Chicken Shovel-Safe Program™ just for kids!
Charlie Chicken will teach kids the proper way to use shovels. Now, you’ll never see Charlie himself touch a shovel, but that’s because he has wings and it’s kind of hard for him to pick one up, even by his beak. His message is simple:
Pick it up.
Charlie Chicken will teach kids the following fun facts about shovels:
They make great Christmas presents, and they won’t put your eye out!
With shovels, we can break the ground for construction of brand new state-of-the-art buildings and centers for government bureaucrats and community organizers, that in turn will give those bureaucrats and organizers the facilities they need to address the issues and concerns facing the masses, and create the ideal environment for them to study and discuss the many ways they can raise awareness of those issues and concerns, and provide a place where people can go to apply and wait to receive free stuff—like cell phones and more shovels!
With shovels, we can fill sandbags to ward off floodwaters caused by climate change and the Republicans’ refusal to vote for funding to strengthen dams and levies, and for programs that study the many ways that flooding is caused by climate change, as well as the many ways in which Republicans are to blame, and of how and to whom funds should be redistributed to flood prevention programs, to include PUS.
With shovels, we can dig the ditches into which Republicans will drive our economy, thus enabling us to declare a crisis and seize the opportunity to create new government programs and the funding they’ll require!
With shovels, we can dig holes in which to bury anything we don’t want the Republicans to see and use to smear us and deny us further funding!
With shovels, we can dig those little holes in which we insert posts to hold up the signs proclaiming another government-sponsored shovel-ready program to get America back on the road to recovery—to wit, the construction and posting of the sign itself.
Hell, with shovels we can dig holes and ditches for no reason at all, except to create jobs for people so we can point and say, “Look at all the jobs Obama created!”
Finally, because Charlie Chicken is a cartoon character, not only are kids drawn to him and his pro-shovel message, but Congressional Democrats will be able to trot him out on the steps of Capitol Hill every time Republicans want to cut funding to PUS.
“The Republicans are holding Charlie Chicken hostage!” the Democrats will say. “The Republicans are holding an axe over Charlie Chicken’s head. Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul want to make Kentucky Fried Chicken out of Charlie by chopping him up into pieces and stuffing him into a paper bucket! Then they’re going to take your shovels away because they insist shovels don’t create jobs! Well, they would if only we had more funding, and if only we had Charlie Chicken to raise kids’ awareness of the need for shovels!” Kids will cry and make their parents tie up Congressional phone lines to save Charlie Chicken.
Shovels are safe and a force for good. They create millions of jobs—or they would, if not for obstructionist Republicans who refuse to pass any of President Obama’s initiatives simply because they don’t like the color of his skin. Honestly, I simply cannot for the life of me come up with any other possible reason for opposing him.
Now, comrades: ARE YOU SHOVEL-READY?
Comrades, I have it on
There is absolutely no reason for a civilian to own ANY kind of shovel, especially since the Obama Administration will soon be
KOOKWhen all shovels are banned, only Michelle Obama will have a shovel.
That is her spoon.
Commissarka PinkieThat’s exactly why PUS has a program geared especially to children. Working hand in wing with Red Rooster, I’ve established the Charlie Chicken Shovel-Safe Program™ just for kids!
Ahem! That's right you insolent proles, this has been years in the making, we've contemplated these moves by shovel haters everywhere and are prepared to denounce them with fluffy propaganda fit just for kids.
Ahem... in our search we found some kaptalist pigs have attempted to pre-empt our endeavors...
...yet in socialist vigilance we at The Wombat Factory worked very very hard to find our Charlie. The.. ahem... auditions went very well thank you very much and we are currently up to speed picking from a few select candidates....
And just in case these high quality picks don't pass the Pinkie shovel test we had Janyt Janyt & Janyt binge knit this adorable little fella....
Now stand down proles! This is serious chicken (ahem) stuff and shovels everywhere are in need of our diligence in this fight to make sure all proles are shovel ready!!!
Red Rooster...yet in socialist vigilance we at The Wombat Factory worked very very hard to find our Charlie. The.. ahem... auditions went very well thank you very much and we are currently up to speed picking from a few select candidates....
Am I going to Hollywood?
No shovel is illegal!