"Colonel" 7.62....

It is all that you need concern yourself that I was made Marshal by order of Red Square himself. The mere fact that this has to be explained to you is reason enough to open up a special file for you if you catch my drift. Don't fool yourself, I know the not so subtle ThoughtCrime™ behind that "up to a point" addendum. I believe you would be wise to consider the true meaning of this to be "The Marshal is always right, up to a point of a finely sharpened ice pick in the back of one's head."

Now find me another thousand suspects for that graffiti and perhaps that will soothe my non-soul and I can overlook this incident. I try so hard to get along you know?

Commissar Theocritus wrote:If we are to keep truth in advertising and avoid the DTPA with the treble damages for deception, then we would have to say that fried Schumer is meant to taste like fried rat on a stick.

As long as we don't infringe on the Chairman's brand. Was that not you who was running a franchise of Fried Rat on a Stick that was competing with the Chairman's?

I deny it completely and who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?

I can assure you, Marshal, that Comrade Vlad never fries as it is so disgustingly unhealthy and, more importantly, politikally incorrekt. Commissar Theo smokes and slow roasts the meat, and it is served on a stake rather than a wimpy little stick. In fact, it is barely distinguishable as a rat after he's finished with it.

Marshal Pupovich wrote:"Colonel" 7.62....

It is all that you need concern yourself that I was made Marshal by order of Red Square himself. The mere fact that this has to be explained to you is reason enough to open up a special file for you if you catch my drift. Don't fool yourself, I know the not so subtle ThoughtCrime™ behind that "up to a point" addendum. I believe you would be wise to consider the true meaning of this to be "The Marshal is always right, up to a point of a finely sharpened ice pick in the back of one's head."

Now find me another thousand suspects for that graffiti and perhaps that will soothe my non-soul and I can overlook this incident. I try so hard to get along you know?

As you wish Comrade Marshal. I must apologize, not only was the wrong inner comrade speaking (Inner Comrade #19, there is no problem that cannot be cured by denouncing Marshal Pupovich) but I am still testing the boundaries of my new Revolutionary Duties(TM). I will personally lead a squad to round up 1000 suspects for you to interrogate. Do you have a specific type of suspect you would favor?

Dr., thank you for covering for me.

Pupovich, you do know that I, being a Texan, never deep fry anything when I can smoke it over mesquite wood, don't you? There is nothing quite like rate smoked over mesquite.

Why don't you catch some nutria for me and send them to the Rancho de Rio Grande? We can smoke them and sell nutria jerky.

The only danger is that mesquite-smoked rat looks much like Nansky Peloski.

Comrade Theo, if I ship these flying monkeys to you, can you make jerky of them as well?

Of course. Bruno has a special recipe for Flying Monkey jerky. Remember them in <i>The Wizard of Oz</i>? Judy Garland? Bruno's all over that.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:The only danger is that mesquite-smoked rat looks much like Nansky Peloski.

...which should have been obvious from the second picture, showing Madam Speaker holding one of your mesquite-smoked rats at el Rancho during our last May Day celebration.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Of course. Bruno has a special recipe for Flying Monkey jerky. Remember them in <i>The Wizard of Oz</i>? Judy Garland? Bruno's all over that.

Comrade Vlad, in no way should you consider using the "cream filling" from the gutted flying monkey intestines to paint the garage door of Marshal Pupovich's dacha. Again, I wouldn't even think to suggest such a thing to you.

Careful, Comrade Vlad. It looks like the Marshal has something bigger in mind for you, and it's fortunate that it was only a near miss!

<br>Chicken-Shit Asteroid Veers Away At Last Minute

Oh, whoops. Never mind. I thought it was made of 'chicken shit.'

Comrade Doctor Strangelove. As we speak the Glorious Revolutionary Red Guard(TM) is preparing the People's Missile(TM) based on technology shared from our fraternal socialist allies in North Korea, complete with Dear Leader Kim's patented Big Frash(TM) so that we may destroy this asteroid.

Also can you perhaps tell me why our missiles keep landing in the ocean?

Colonel 7.62 wrote:Also can you perhaps tell me why our missiles keep landing in the ocean?

Because the Dear Leader is most merciful, even in the face of such insolence from the Southern Break-Away Region of the DPRK. He wills the missiles safely into the ocean, where they can do no harm, as proof of the peaceful purposes behind the DPRK space program. It brings tears to my eyes that I will soon be leaving my spying post within the southern break-away region, moving me further away from Dear Leader, so that I can continue my subversion efforts for The Party(TM) within the DoD of the Amerikans.

Doctor, it saddens me to think of you leaving the Korean corporate culture. Your propinquity to Dear Leader. Don't you have the urge to run your hands all over the missiles? To feel the thrum underneath their aluminum skin? To know that but for the peaceful intentions of Dear Leader, the entire world would go up in smoke? And to pray for the mental health of Dear Leader, which is none too good, which is just about par for a second-generation totalitarian, to keep the world from going up in smoke.

Why, just think. Take a lesson from another second-generation totalitarian, dear Senator Teddy. If he hadn't been able to murder that poor woman Mary Jo Kopechne and get away with it, then he himself might be making bombs instead of merely being bombed.

I no longer worry about my garage door. I'm getting a new one tomorrow morning which shall be impervious to the talent-shitting flying monkey/pigeon/Schumers of Pupovich. It will be coated with Nancyskin, which is so gawdawful horrible that anything--<i>anything</i>--that you put on it vanishes.

You could put a hundredweight of elephant dung on it, and you'd still see Nancyskin.

You could staple up pictures of Dachau and you'd still see Nancyskin. Not to minimize Dachau, of course, but that was in the past and Nansky is our future. Those pictures on Nancyskin would have me looking for Mr. Peabody and the Wayback.

It will be OK, Theo. I will be running my hands over even bigger missiles in the USSA. In fact, I never really feel as though I'm separated from my missile, which I must somehow project to others given what the ladies always say to me: "Dr. Strangelove, is that a missile in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?" Of course, I always tell them that I'm just happy to see them so as to not blow my cover.

What about a picture of the MTE on your Nanskyskin garage door? What if Betty develops a giant MTE diarrhea cannon for Pupovich?

Dr., even a gynecological picture of our Many Titted Empress on the Nancyskin garage door would fade into oblivion.

This is the newest defense against bird strikes:


Notice how the wheels seem to be clawed feet...

The problem with a Nancyskin garage door is that between the wrinkles and the, er, "work" on the wrinkles, I would have a Moebius garage door. You couldn't tell it if was open or closed, and with Nansky that's just a bit <i>de trop</i>.

Amazing, the lengths and expense Commissar Theocritus has gone through to defend himself from an attack that never occurred. Ah. the power of mental suggestion! I learned these skills at Moscow School of Psychic Warfare #65. Needless to say. Nancyskin can not protect from the psychic suggestions that a trained psychic warrior can do. Of course, I would never, nor have I ever used such talent against the Commissar. No, if I were to develop such a weapon, it would be more along the lines of a nanobot Jimmy Carter rabbit that would silently invade the very substance of any surface and eat away from the inside. No, I would never do such a thing.

Comrade Pupovich. There was a rabbit in my command tent this morning. I chased it out and cornered it, then used the People's Socialist Hand Grenade of Stalingrad(TM) to kill it. I trust this was not your nanobot Jimmy Carter rabbit?

Bruno! Bruno! WFT, Bruno! Will you do <i>something</i> about that nano Jimmy Carter rabbit? I can't stay on top of the refrigerator for the rest of my life!

Look. I've bought you endless supplies of size fourteen platform mules. I've paid endless charges to Frederick's of Hollywood. And now you say that you can't kill a simple nano Jimmy Carter rabbit?

I swear, Bruno, if you don't kill that goddamned Carter thing I'll make you watch a Richard Simmons video. You know how you reacted the last time that I made you do that.

.....Look! There it is! The nano Jimmy Carter rabbit is under the dishwasher! Kill it! Kill it, Bruno. Look at those teeth! Those teeth! And it's getting ready to talk...

....Lenin, take me now...

Commissar Theo, for only 49.95 Carbon Credits(TM) you too may own a People's Progressive Hand Grenade of Stalingrad(TM). Comes complete with the Comissar's Book of Armaments(TM).

Behold...

...And Stalin raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lenin, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy." And Lenin did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats... And Stalin spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Progressive Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy People's Progressive Hand Grendade towards thy foe, who being unprogressive in my sight, shall snuff it."

Colonel, I feel so much better. Thank you. I shall make sure that we have enough for the Socialists who go "Sneer!"

OK. Here I go: ONE... TWO... FIVE!

Don't you mean the KKKapitalists who go "NEE-o-con!"?

Not after they've had all their limbs cut off in the 2006 and 2008 elections and wonder just what happened as they go on with business as usual.

Sorry the grim realities, Steve Dallas.

Dr. Strangelove wrote:Don't you mean the KKKapitalists who go "NEE-o-con!"?

I thought they just wanted a "Shrub"bery?

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Colonel, I feel so much better. Thank you. I shall make sure that we have enough for the Socialists who go "Sneer!"

I've made up a special batch for Bruno. They explode with a special glittery effect.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Not after they've had all their limbs cut off in the 2006 and 2008 elections and wonder just what happened as they go on with business as usual.

It's just a flesh wound!

Well. assuming that was a nano Jimmy Carter rabbit, and I by no means admit to any connection to it, I can assure you that would only be a developmental model as the finished product, and I by no means mean to imply there really is such a weapon being developed, would be so small that even a Stalin grenade would have little chance of doing it damage.You could literally have thousands of these nano rabbits between the grenades shrapnel.

I am now establishing the Department against Redundancy. "Nano Jimmy Carter Rabbit" is doubly redundant. Jimmy Carter implies nano <i>and</i> rabbit.

The teeth alone...

But to test that it really is a, pardon, nano Jimmy Carter rabbit, does it go and hump the leg of Somalian warlords but shit all over America? That's a 200-proof nano Jimmy Carter rabbit.

Colonel, thank you for your special batch of hand grenades. To get Bruno to use them I'll put some glitter on them and call them Liza hand grenades.

A wise man once told me something which I heed: "You can save lots of money if you remember two words: Cubic. Zirconium."

One thing that I've noticed is that when I manage to lose Bruno the stock of Hobby Lobby, where I purchase the glitter and sequins goes down. But when he homes back, it goes up.

When Bruno is in residence, buy Hobby Lobby. If he starts to get particularly irritating, I'll tell you to buy so you can short it. How do you think that I paid for my sodalite in the kitchen?

Marshal Pupovich wrote:Well. assuming that was a nano Jimmy Carter rabbit, and I by no means admit to any connection to it, I can assure you that would only be a developmental model as the finished product, and I by no means mean to imply there really is such a weapon being developed, would be so small that even a Stalin grenade would have little chance of doing it damage.You could literally have thousands of these nano rabbits between the grenades shrapnel.

Comrade Marshal, while the People's Progressive Hand Grenade of Stalingrad is useful against a single rabbit there are other solutions as well.

Such as the Worker's and Peasant's Socialist Air Burst of Cluster Bombs.

The question is can we get Bruno to fly the plane?

Colonel, I wouldn't trust Bruno with a Big Wheel. How could this possibly fly anything? Now if you could put bombay doors in his bustle, though, that might serve.
As far as cluster bombs go, have you thought of weaponizing Fried Rat on a Stick? The nano Jimmy Carter rabbit would see it, think it's food, and then--boom!--no more nano Jimmy Carter rabbit.

I know, I know, I know, there would be teeth embedded in every wall, but if you want to make an omelette you have to break eggs.

Commissar Theocritus, have you ever considered using exploding rats?

Top 10 real-life spy gadgets

Thank you, Doctor, for that link. I do like the exploding rats. But here's one to get rid of Bruno: an exploding cigarette case:

Comrades, I feel so left out.

I have yet to be denounced and here's to hoping it will happen soon because when it does happen I know I will have arrived.

I had three taco's for lunch today, does that count for anything?

Comrade Beria.....I should denounce you for wasting the time of an important more equal than Inner Circle member such as I, but I will not! No! There is an important lesson for you to learn here. Did you learn anything at the KMRC?? Perhaps this will be a reminder....

Get down and dig me a hole 10 metric cubes deep and 6 wide. Then fill in the hole. Repeat 10 times. Oh. and while you are busy doing that....DENOUNCE YOUR SELF! This should be second nature to you by now. Confess your ThoughtCrime™. tell the world why you are not worth the cost of the bullet, which of course will be charged to your family anyway. Who knows? With a good enough performance, perhaps then we will determine that you are indeed worthy of being denounced by us.

Do you feel left out now? Do you feel like you have arrived? Don't you have a warm and fuzzy feeling now? I sure do.

Beria, you have done wonders. You've distracted Pupovich from his monthly attention-seeking request for a denouncement. I swear, he loves being denounced more than Rosie O'Donnell does Krispy Kremes. Although to be fair, if you want to get good at the being denounced game, there is no better teacher than Pupovich.

I denounce him for training pigeons to talent-shit on my garage door. I even cover it with Nancyskin and he brings in the Nano Jimmy Carter Rabbit, and still he's padding around as though nothing has happened, despite the show trial that I've rigged up on the south forty, framed by my finest impaling stakes.

Here's a primer on self-criticism. Find some little tiny thing about yourself and amp it up a good deal more than it deserves. Beat your breast, wail, gnash your teeth all about your lack of devotion to the Party or the Progressive World of Next Tuesday(tm). Piss and moan and whine. Roll your eyes back in your head.

If you're good enough at this socialist <i>mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa</i> bit, then people will be so impressed with your socialist fervor and dedication that they just won't see that you've stolen the family silver.

Works a treat. Ask Pupovich.

One would think that Nancy would have learned this by now. But what does she do? Makes even our MSM start to wonder about her with her near daily denial and revised denial.

The MSM will just have to have a retreat where they all get together and intone, "We believe Nansky! We believe Nansky!"

This will be helped by a 50,000-lie tune-up at Jiffi-Lobo.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Beria, you have done wonders. You've distracted Pupovich from his monthly attention-seeking request for a denouncement. I swear, he loves being denounced more than Rosie O'Donnell does Krispy Kremes. Although to be fair, if you want to get good at the being denounced game, there is no better teacher than Pupovich.

Commissar, I am one of those who believe "Denounce someone and you correct him for a day, teach him to denounce himself, and you correct him for a lifetime."

Is it not running the danger of solipsism to trust in self-denunciation? And after all, what would we do with all our Thought Police if everyone got good at self-denunciation? This would be like, gasp, people <i>reading books at home</i>. Can't have that.

It might lead to thinking.

Commissar, you need not fret for you are correct. Self denunciation can not nor should it ever replace denunciation by others. All I was saying is that self denunciation is the essential building block for a ThoughtCrime™ free world that is our goal. Take my Uncle Iosef.... sure someone would denounce some poor soul, but it would not end until that person would denounce themselves in front of a jury of more equals.

I do have a worry, though, Pupovich--as the Current Truth is current as of, oh, this second, that means that denunciations need to be current.

Perhaps we could have push email to every comrade which explains any change in the Current Truth so that the denunciations won't be so last Tuesday? How embarrassing to denounce someone for owning GE stock when GE is sucking up to the government on green projects harder than every Hoover made. Before GE was looting working with the government they were capitalist pigs and owning their stock was evil. But now since they're green, you're helping them along.

The Current Truth must always inform the Current Denunciation.

We need AlGore to write a People's Truth(TM) Analytical Engine that will take the current denunciations, coupled with the Current Truth(TM) and only spit out those denunciations that actually are current.

Yes, the Goracle could write a People's Engine of Truth, Analytical. PETA as written by him would be leaden, inaccurate and hypocritical, and therefore the perfect Progressive document.

He can do television commercials for it, dancing the Macarena on Bio-Solar One, his yacht which does not in fact use biodiesel. Which is good because that's a thousand fewer Mexicans who will die of starvation owing to high corn prices.

Just think! The more we can keep the Goracle on the road, the fewer people will be starved for his biodiesel.

How about "People's Engine of Truth Analysis" instead?

Yes, a better acronym. I had thought to find a good website: peta.com is of course for our dear little gerbil lovers--the only problem being there's no room for a gerbil when the head is up there--and some years ago there was peta.org, which is now owned by our gerbil people owing to an anticybersquatting lawsuit. It is now <a href="https://www.mtd.com/tasty/">here</a>.

But PETA must be distributed all the time--and for this we need the services of Laika, heroic space dog, to beam down the Current Truth du jour du heure to our tin-foil hats.

Might I also suggest using "PETA.gov" for the web address in order to differentiate from the guardians of gerbils and distributors of gerbil awareness?

Theo, did you read their hate mail? It's rather amusing.

Dr., some of the comments on YouTube are rather amusing too. It seems that cheap computers really are leveling:


At one time people who had nothing more than the Monkey Manipulative Urge would be reduced to putting cherry bombs under tin cans. Now they can express their personalities on-line.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:I do have a worry, though, Pupovich--as the Current Truth is current as of, oh, this second, that means that denunciations need to be current.

All the more reason that a good comrade be faithful to the principle of self denunciaton. After all, the individual will be the first to realize their ThoughtCrime™, unless of course we beat them to it by virtue of us, being more equal than others, can predict someone else's ThoughtCrime™ before they actually commit it.

Realizing a Thoughtrcime(tm) before it is committed? How very progressive of you, Pupovich. This gives unlimited latitude, as I'm sure you know, to vigilant Commissars, and I intend to take advantage of it.

In fact I'm getting just a little bit tired of the feeling of Pinkie's shovel on the back of my head.

I wonder what Thoughtcrime(tm) she has been committing? After all, I have a shovel too, you know. I could sick Bruno on her. She would have to listen to him sing "The Way We Were" and "Memories" in a voice like a saw going over rusty nail in an oak plank.

That would fix her for all the bumps on the back of my head.

Commissar, I too feel that Pinkie is on the verge of a ThoughtCrime™, I can attest to whatever ThoughtCrime™ you suggest she is going to commit, even if she has not realized it yet. Yes, it is most progressive to nip a ThoughtCrime™ on the bud, no, actually before the bud has even been envisioned.

However, comrades, we must make sure to suppress the 'minority report.' Assuming such, if you both will lie, I'll swear to it.

As Pooh-Bah said in <i>The Mikado</i>, "Choose your fiction and I'll endorse it." But he expected to be grossly insulted for it. As would all good progressives.

Ahh recognizing a ThoughtCrime before it occurs. I am most honored to be in the mere presence of such truly advanced progressive. Mmmm I've got a few lumps on my head as well... Perhaps I need a little mini shovel for Bubba the Che Monster. Bubba whack Pinkie? You do? Good Bubba, good Bubba!

Oh, Colonel, thinking of whacking Pinkie is the most serious of Thoughtcrimes(tm). And the most dangerous too. I can testify that by the time Jiffi-Lobo has at your prefrontal lobes and Pinkie has at the vertex of your head, you're perfectly capable of watching every single Michael Moore movie five times in a row and without beer or strong narcotic. You can listen to Bonnie Fwank, and you start to find Nansky Peloski attractive, although not quite as attractive as your average Valley of the Kings mummy.

All right, one of my canaries has sung a little song to me of how certain comrades in this thread are: (a) accusing me of teetering on the verge of committing Thoughtcrime if I haven't done so already, and (b) discussing the unthinkable possibility of whacking Pinkie with a shovel.

No one, but NO ONE, has ever whacked me with a shovel and lived to tell about it--or let me put it this way, lived to beget progeny if you know what I mean.

And while self-denunciation and self-whacking are all well and good, they still are not sufficient substitutes for denunciation by one's fellow peers or a shovel-whacking by Pinkie.

And as for the Thoughtcrime accusations--Comrades, Thoughtcrime and Pinkie do not belong in the same sentence! You can mention Thoughtcrime. You can mention Pinkie. But you cannot mention them in the same sentence!

Thoughtcrime? Me? Absurd! Ridiculous! Ludicrous! No one is more Progressive in thought and deed and words than I am! Look at all my awareness ribbons and wristbands, and you'll see--no one cares more than I do! In fact, no one has done more to raise awareness about how much I care than I have!

So here are the latest names to be added to the Great Memorial Shovel I saw on another thread:

Theocritus: Because I don't think you have enough bumps on your head yet.

Pupovich: Because you've been skating too long and getting promotions and accolades while I keep getting passed over. Hell, you even got Beet of the Week for doing nothing more than rolling over onto your back and beating your tail on the ground while you looked upside-down at me with those big brown eyes of yours. And that jalopy of yours is still oxidizing in the Reserved for Beet of the Week parking space in front of Party headquarters.

Colonel 7.62: For the Thoughtcrime of wanting to whack me, and thinking you can blame your little Che Monster. I'll bet you sleep with him every night, and you make your mom set an extra place at the table for him, and you scream bloody murder anytime someone sits on him and squishes him the way I'm about to squish you.

Dr. Strangelove: You may not have mentioned me by name, but you're hanging out with the others and that's Thoughtcrime by association. Spare me your mama's tears about how her Strangie is good boy who just fell in with a wrong crowd because of peer pressure and budget cuts to programs that would have kept him from falling in with this crowd, and how he's getting whacked with a shovel at the very same moment he was just about to start turning his life around. Yeah, yeah, I know the whole drill, Ma Strangelove--your little precious was going back to school starting next week to become a REAL doctor, and finally marry one of his kids' mothers. If I had a nickel for every time I hear that from the mother of someone I just whacked, I wouldn't have to freakin' do this!

And finally, Bruno: Just on general principle. And to send him the message that there are other, more effective ways to kill Streisand.

As you can see, comrades, Pinkie loves me more given that my berating was much longer, even though I didn't directly mention her by name.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:Dr. Strangelove: ...and finally marry one of his kids' mothers. If I had a nickel for every time I hear that from the mother of someone I just whacked, I wouldn't have to freakin' do this!

As I have told you before, Pinkie my dear, I will propose to you as soon as the time is right. You're too special to be proposed to at just any old time!

I don't have enough bumps on my head yet? I will have you know that a gave a phrenologist arthritis! I have been whacked about the head for years and it has been the making of me. The only trouble is when it manages to open the wounds left by my latest Jiffi-Lobo tune-up. I am nothing if not diligent in hoeing the party line.

Dr. you may have to wait in line to propose to Pinkie. For some reason I look at Bruno fondling his Streisand CDs and I think of Pinkie and Lenin 'n' Thingies and Leninka and wonder if, just if, there is a better way to go about the world. Now since I'm a Made Progressive I'd have to live on the Down Low, of course, because lying just doesn't bother me, but it would give me the luster of respectability to have one of the Grandes Dames on my arm as I inspect the impaling stakes.

Pinkie, you may NOT talk about my little Che Monster that way. I simply won't allow it. In fact I intend to write a most nasty grievance to Commissar Theocritus about what you said. I'm sure he will know what to do with it.

The tactical folding assault shovel I showed on another thread? The Che Monster has it. And it is GOOD with it. I can't let it have guns, but it swings a MEAN shovel. You two might want to compare tips.

Have you NOT NOTICED the sporty new kevlar helmet I'm wearing? No? Well it's proof against your shovel blows. Nice thick kevlar, and a modern suspension system that absorbs felt impact. And I also have a faceguard for it, the same as our progressive police used when confronting evil RethugliKKKans at the DNC riots. So go ahead! Whack away! And watch out for the Che monster. He cuts people off at the legs now.

Comrades! Comrades! It will not do to have the more-equal comrades sparring this way. Why waste your energy in internecine fights when there are Rethuglicans to bash? I don't care if Freud called it the narcissism of small differences. We ought to unite.

Except of course when I get my cut and then all of you can just piss off.

Colonel, take it from me. I have an on-staff phrenologist to deal with the Pinkie-dealt blows to my bean. You just can't win with her. She looks so demure and sweet and at the first opportunity--WHACK!

The pain is--indescribable. The only cure is a tune-up at Jiffi-Lobo.

Mmmm I never considered hiring a phrenologist. Most intriguing notion.

I suppose the pain would be more bearable if Pinkie was wearing leather while she delivered the blows...

She's fetching in leather but even better in latex. Until she puts the ball gag in your mouth...

{off} I can think of many replies to your post Theo, but perhaps none of them fit to put on a public forum. ROTLFMAO!

Colonel 7.62 wrote:{off} I can think of many replies to your post Theo, but perhaps none of them fit to put on a public forum. ROTLFMAO!

Rolling On The Laughing Floor My Ass Off? Is this yet another new progressive idiom?

a laughing floor of rolling asses

Ex.: I went to a comedy club last night, and the act by Commissarka Garofalo with her pantload of revolution was so inanely banal incredibly funny that it resulted in a laughing floor of rolling asses.

When Our Many Titted Empress is shit-faced drunk and has fallen to the floor of the Rancho de Rio Grande, watching her trying to get up is very funny: laughing at the floor of a rolling ass.

Once our MTE had passed out on the floor, and Bruno put three pairs of panty hose inside each other and filled them with Crisco and put them next to our Many Titted Empress. Nansky came in and saw the panty hose and squealed, "Hill! Darling! You've lost weight!"

That's when our MTE woke up.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:Thoughtcrime? Me? Absurd! Ridiculous! Ludicrous! No one is more Progressive in thought and deed and words than I am! Look at all my awareness ribbons and wristbands, and you'll see--no one cares more than I do! In fact, no one has done more to raise awareness about how much I care than I have!

There you go.... an un-progressive, Bush like sense of competition and one-upmanship! In other words, we can indeed pair Pinkie and ThoughtCrime™ in one sentence. However, since I tried and convicted you of this ThoughtCrime™ before you committed it, I have also taken steps to remove this from your record by sending a squad of nano Jimmy Carter rabbit bots to destroy all records of this and cleanse your brain of those misoriented neurons.

As for your admitedly sparse record of promotions, perhaps we should examine the reasons why? No, that would do little good, I do have some positions I may offer to you should you be interested? For I, unlike many in our collective, recognize a good shovel hand such as yourself, and there are a number of shovel ready projects ready to get going.

Pupovich, there you go again, pretending that you are not the most zealous of comrades. Pinkie just goes about her work whacking the shit out of people without regard to their status. I have a phrenologist on staff right now and a really good barber to try to cover up the ridges and valleys and the compressions.

But you are <i>the most competitive self-denouncer in the Cube</i>. I've seen people clear their throats to do a tentative self-denunciation. It's hard jumping into the deep end, as you might remember. You know--we always remember our first time. And yours wasn't even in the back seat of a Yugo.

There we go. At the drop of an ushanka, Pupovich is clearing his throat and denouncing himself. You've gotten so good at dodging the bullets that I have even quit preparing the prosecution.

I don't know why I bother.

Pupovich! Surely you meant to say "one-uppersonship!"

Commissar Theocritus, I suppose I should say thank you for that kind and accurate depiction of this humble Marshal, though I hardly think of my self as being the best at self denunciation. I only hope to be a good example for less equal comrades, For the Common Good ™ of course.

Dr. Strangelove wrote:Pupovich! Surely you meant to say "one-uppersonship!"

Actually Dr Strangelove, I actually did consider using this word, but then I thought, that is so "yesterday's PC." If one says personship, some other comrade will come along claiming specieism and suggest beingship. Then someone will say you are exluding plant life and suggest lifeship. Yada yada yada. You know the drill. By my use of the traditional "man," I show that I am so progressive that I have risen above such petty progressive arguments so I can concentrate on more important things like grabbing more OPM, for the Common Good™ of course....For the Children™.

Comrade Pupovich, I have discovered an amazing new prog argument. "For the animals"™

You see with all these evil non progs soon being able to carry a LOADED gun in the National Parks, the concern is that there will be more people shooting at animals (one must submit and be eaten by a bear instead of killing it of course, it is the will of Gore)

So they properly dismiss the absurd notion of "rights" and focus on the horrible harm that might come to The Animals(TM) should the unwashed masses carry a gun in the parks.

There will be blood running under the trees comrades! We must act For The Animals(TM) (But only those in National Parks of course)

For the Animals™ comrade, For the Animals™!

And for The Animal's Children(TM).

7.62 wrote:It is the will of Gore

Colonel! Have you had a manifestation of the Holy Gore?!!! There. I've used bang marks and I never use bang marks.

I had a dream last night at the Rancho. I dreamt that the Holy Gore appeared unto me, and I, the lowly Theocritus, touched my head to the pavers to receive the wisdom of the Holy Gore.

Even Bruno was impressed by the Holy Gore but that was probably because of his huge limousine outside which was idling to keep it cool for the return of the Holy Gore. CO2 be damned.

And all of those wetbacks who were coming across the border for food because they couldn't afford the masa for tortillas since the Holy Gore demanded bio-diesel and the price of corn went up so much. I had to impale all those hungry people because of the manifestation of the Holy Gore.

But if you're buddies with the Holy Gore my ushanka is off to you. I want another limousine.

I see that you are testing a new weapon, Theo, to use against the talent-shitting birds that were not, most definitely not, sent by Pupovich:

It's raining birds on Western Australia

Commissar Theocritus wrote:

7.62 wrote:It is the will of Gore

Colonel! Have you had a manifestation of the Holy Gore?!!! There. I've used bang marks and I never use bang marks.

I had a dream last night at the Rancho. I dreamt that the Holy Gore appeared unto me, and I, the lowly Theocritus, touched my head to the pavers to receive the wisdom of the Holy Gore.

Even Bruno was impressed by the Holy Gore but that was probably because of his huge limousine outside which was idling to keep it cool for the return of the Holy Gore. CO2 be damned.

And all of those wetbacks who were coming across the border for food because they couldn't afford the masa for tortillas since the Holy Gore demanded bio-diesel and the price of corn went up so much. I had to impale all those hungry people because of the manifestation of the Holy Gore.

But if you're buddies with the Holy Gore my ushanka is off to you. I want another limousine.

No I'm not buddies, just blessed with a manifestation of the Holy Gore. He appeared and my computer started working. He left and it failed again, proof of His power and Majesty.

All hail ManBearPig!

Dr. Strangelove wrote:I see that you are testing a new weapon, Theo, to use against the talent-shitting birds that were not, most definitely not, sent by Pupovich:

So say you, Dr., so say you. The talent-shitting birds are now attacking my courtyard, which is entirely enclosed, in the center of my house. There are splotches of bird shit all around the window into my kitchen which could only have come from Pupovich-trained talent-shitting birds.

Colonel, the reason that your computer started working at the manifestation of the Holy Gore was to get your credit-card numbers and passwords. I'd change them <i>now</i>. The Holy Gore, being the most equal of comrades, is saving up money to make sure that no Diebold voting machine ever again gives a disappointing vote, no matter how the voter actually uses it.