Comrades, I used to consider the anus a paragon of equality since every person, rich or poor has one. But recently I have become aware of the inequality of the typical American anus.

Since the coronation of Dear Leader we've seen multi-national industrial conglomerates like GE and car companies touting their green energy initiatives.

But where their anus is concerned, the typical American stubbornly clings to his creature comfort. Despite calls to reduce or even eliminate the use of toilet paper for the good of the planet, manufacturers of toilet paper still advertise the thickness and softness of their product. This is utterly shameful.

The short time spent wiping one's ass appears to trump the entire future of the human race.

I propose a punitive tax on toilet paper. Fee's should be assessed based on layers, softness, quilting, absorbency, strength as well as colored floral prints. And why must every roll have a cardboard core? Does anyone ever wipe their ass with that? Wasted paper!

Comrades we can and must reform this nation, one asshole at a time if necessary.

First they came for the lightbulbs, but I did nothing. Then they came for the toilet paper. What's next Diet Coke?

They'll pry Diet Coke out of my svelte, manicured hands.

Comrade Whoopie, we must tax all soft paper products, for what is to keep someone from using a napkin instead of toilet paper to wipe their behind? We must tax napkins, regular paper, cotton balls, table clothes, pine cones, or anything else that can be used to wipe someone butt.

Uh oh, I think I just made myself a thought criminal. Time for me to get re-educated.

RedBear, if you think, you are a thought criminal. That is why you must let the party do the thinking for you.

And Whoopie, I think that it must be pointed out that the dung of a Progressive has no odor other than rosewater and sweet jasmine. It also carries no harmful microbes, nor will it support any after it has been expelled. It is only the evil reactionaries who produce stinky bodily wastes. Thus, I can endorse taxing toilet paper, as we don't need it and the conservatives will thus be the only ones paying the tax. This is justice in its rawest form.