The Manitoba Herald, Canada
Reported by Clive Runnels

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves." A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age." an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada , Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul and Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out." he said. The Herald will be interested to see if Obama can actually raise Mary from the dead in time for the concert.


======================
Research has revealed pieces of this story circulating as early as 2006, but they have intensified lately in various sources, especially mass emails. This blog provides a disclaimer, including the fact that "The Manitoba Herald" was published daily from January 11, 1877 until August 2, 1877. Until the author is found, we will classify it as people's media folklore.

Wasn't that long ago back in 2004 I had to sneak into Canuckistan when Bush won re-election. I just snuck back to vote for Obama and now, just 2 years later I have to sneak North again.

(I need a credit card that offers frequent sneaker miles)

Canadian border farmers have learned to identify American liberals by their defensive posturing:

Comrades,

The posture shown above is referred to as the "Cranial Rectal Insertion" [CRI] This name originated with myself.

Lots of change going on and Canada may be the only alternative. It is a scary time for liberals. I don't know if it's true but I hear NPR, in a bold move to the right, is offering an unemployed Charlie Rangel a commentator position in order to balance out NPR's left leaning persona.

Bravo NPR, courage before funding as always.

Rangel is reported to have said, "I just want to make a difference."

If I were white, I'd move to Canada in a minute, but down here, with my skin color, the benefits are already pretty good, and since I know how to game the system, I'd hate to have to learn how to do it all over again in a new country.

Leninka.......you don't need to game the system. The system IS the game.

Also, if I may ask again ... who does your hair ? Those little Party bows are a nice touch !

2 observations:

1. this posture, or the word preposterous, which came first?

2. is the Canadian profiling of illegal liberals legal?

The Canuckistani's are most enlightened. I read that in Montreal the local gov. will spend 3 million canuck bucks (aka: loonies) to rehab an abandoned mental asylum converting it into subsidized housing for starving artists.

Imagine that. Michelle's dream done one better. Not only do these artistes have gov. paid healthcare but free housing too. Now these vanguards of culture will be twice as free to indulge their artistic visions.

I can't wait to see the fruits of their non-labor.

Kim Junk-Ill 킴정크악 wrote:
2. is the Canadian profiling of illegal liberals legal?

We have this concern covered. Under sec. 13 of the Human Rights Code there is no such thing as an Illegal Liberal.

Conservatives are by definition illegal and they want to be able to shoot them on sight. (no matter there they come from)

Krasnodar wrote:Leninka.......you don't need to game the system. The system IS the game.

Also, if I may ask again ... who does your hair ? Those little Party bows are a nice touch !

Comrade Krasnodar,

I regularly have it done at the government subsidized Janet Reno Beauty Salon for women, men, and transgenders.

Now that's a scary thought ! I wonder if ( you know who, but I'm not say'n ) has a czar for the People's Hair Care and Facial Augmentation ?

Yes, he does.... his dear old Auntie Semitic, of course!

Comrades,

For those headed to canada, it is a great place to be between two and three months a year.
The other nine it is a good place to be from.

On the bright side they do have Mcintosh toffee.