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Important Update on your Tin-Foil hat

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Komrades! Today while reading through my daily rotation of Pravda, Izvestiya, and then Pravda again, I discovered a Glorious new article. It details that your Special Laika Tinfoil Hat is actually designed to INCREASE your sensitivity to Laika Waves rather than decrease it! This confirms what the Kube has known for ages!

Researchers Prove Tin Foil Hats Boost Receptivity To Government Signals


This is a new Glorious Current Truth, and I have proposed for it to be put into the national legislature. This means that the unwashed in our Glorious society are actually being washed even faster! However, does the fact that the unwashed say to wear tinfoil hats and have gained a reputation for wearing tinfoil hats mean that they are actually the washed in disguise trying to recruit more people to party and Kubist ways? But then again, their reputation for being crazy would discount everything, so this may not be so true. Furthermore, it also means that I will be carving a stone hat for when I go to Texas. Or Arizona.

So, it is being no wonder that space dog is able to sending signals to hat from orbit.

"When in Rome, be doing as is Romans." So in Texas, wear tinfoil Stetson. In Arizona, not be going outside because of excess New Age fruit and nuts.

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Comrade Stierlitz... it is obvious from your officer's hat that you were in charge of this recent study!
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How did this get out? This was Super Top Secret NSA (never seen again) information. Did somebody send Hillary an email about this?

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First, just to get it out of the way, I denounce myself in the strongest possible terms.

Long ago, I was a minor apparatchik in the FAA aviation security apparatus. It was my job to stand near the security checkpoint and watch the contract screeners not find dangerous and deadly items like box cutters. Then 911 happened. Suddenly the screening process became "Federalized".

Before I was swallowed whole by the gaping maw of TSA, I was still on duty watching the contract screeners who were becoming less enthusiastic toward their task than before. Looming unemployment will do that for you.

We noticed, especially after 911, that we had many passengers coming through the check point with foil in their caps. We decided to have some fun. Anything to boost morale. Mine in particular.

I bought two popular brands of aluminum foil and placed them in my lectern. The screeners would give me a high sign and send the foil wearing passengers over to see me.

I would cordially greet the passenger and then say that I couldn't help but notice the foil in their cap. I would then ask what brand they used. No matter which brand they said, I would produce a roll of another brand and tell them that it blocked the signals better. I knew because I worked for the Federal Government. I gave each of them a new square of the more effective foil to reline their hats. They would usually thank me profusely, apply the foil to their hats, and then walk happily off down the concourse to catch their plane.

Those were happy days. Customer satisfaction, especially among the tin foil hat crowd, was at an all time high. It all came to an end one day when one of them actually wrote a thank you note to my boss. I was given the thank you note along with a letter of reprimand and told to never do that again.

You know I took that to mean that I had to find a new way of amusing myself at someone else' expense.

I've got the shovel and a warm coat. Off to the rail yard. Again.....

Currently Truthful but long winded,

Red Salmon

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Fishy comrade, a kindred government employee recipient of a paycheck!


For true amusement at the expense of taxpayers and customers, transfer to the Department of Veteran's Affairs (working motto: "WE'RE not happy until YOU'RE not happy!")

There, in compliance with Party guidance and heavily amended by local policy, you can take hopes and dreams and official government promises and dash them to a gazillion pieces for eight hours daily with two 15 minute breaks and 30 minutes for a lunch if you brought one.
The Union is strong (except here in Texazistan), and the chance of being sacked is next to...


excuse me, there's a knock at my dacha door, and somebody seems just a bit impatient...


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President Obama thanks Red Salmon for thirty-years of public service as he prepares to release him into his retirement stream...
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You know you want him...
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Most Equal Komrad Ivan,

Sadly I am already an annuitant. I was offered the early retirement as an alternative to the Headquarters Gulag. Satan's Lair in Arlington was not to my taste. The VA has made it quite clear that they do not want someone who is not only already retired from Federal Civil Service, but a fairly disabled Vet to boot.

I hope you are responsible for the latest indignity service that the VA has inflicted on provided for me. I receive my monthly allotment of Soma ™ from the VA via the US Postal Service. Imagine my delight when all three packages came postage due this month. The Postal Clerk said his came the same way. Certainly there is some kind of service award for such innovative thinking. Please post pictures of the ceremony.

Blah blah, the Current Truth ™,

Red Salmon

PS. Most Esteemed Comrade Putout, your depiction of Federal Retirement is far more accurate than you might imagine.

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The always well dressed [color=#C0392B]Ivan the Stakhanovets[/color] wrote:
Excuse me, there's a knock at my dacha door, and somebody seems just a bit impatient...

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THEY GOT HIM!!!
(I would've arrested him for having an oversize head!)
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Comrade Ivan, ambassador to Texazistan, lives in cute pink house with fairy statue outside window? I think not. This is not Texish.

Real Texan lives in ranch house with steel roofing.

Real Texan has cow horns on front of car truck vehicle.

Real Texan shoots feral hogs with Mosin-Nagant of great accuracy and invites friends to eat barbecue of deceased.

Real Texan vastly outnumbers integer Texans by factor of aleph-one. This follows from ZFC.

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Comrade Lev,

I found this image of Comrade Ivan's cute pink house.

th.jpg

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Pamalinsky wrote:Comrade Lev,

I found this image of Comrade Ivan's cute pink house.

The attachment th.jpg is no longer available

No, that's Ivan's grandparent's place, they get confused often since Ivan's named after his grandpa but doesn't have a junior suffix on his name. Ivan actually spent all his money on beer and porno mags so now he lives in one of these:

Cardboard-Box-House.jpg

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Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
Pamalinsky wrote:Comrade Lev,

I found this image of Comrade Ivan's cute pink house.

th.jpg

No, that's Ivan's grandparent's place, they get confused often since Ivan's named after his grandpa but doesn't have a junior suffix on his name. Ivan actually spent all his money on beer and porno mags so now he lives in one of these:

Cardboard-Box-House.jpg

Why does Ivan rate a 2 room suite, and I live in a tree? Answer? Corruption! That's why! "Income redistribution?" Huh! More like "Bullcrap redistribution!"

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You got that right, Comrade Crap! I am now on medication for constipation. (medication for constitutional patience) OK, really corny and quite a stretch to make a point. Well, at least I'm "reaching for it." That's gotta count for something. Cheesh!

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Captain Craptek wrote:
Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
Pamalinsky wrote:Comrade Lev,

I found this image of Comrade Ivan's cute pink house.

th.jpg

No, that's Ivan's grandparent's place, they get confused often since Ivan's named after his grandpa but doesn't have a junior suffix on his name. Ivan actually spent all his money on beer and porno mags so now he lives in one of these:

Cardboard-Box-House.jpg

Why does Ivan rate a 2 room suite, and I live in a tree? Answer? Corruption! That's why! "Income redistribution?" Huh! More like "Bullcrap redistribution!"

Rich folks problems <spit>

One small squirrel, in an entire tree... I bet if we moved you to the front of the breadline you'd want toast.That damn box still sleeps six, and we take in boarders during the summer to pay taxes...

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Hey Comrades!

I have learned to pleat my tinfoil hat, not scrunch it! Not only is it more stylish, I get increased reception. (I watch the Kardashians) Even my boobs look bigger. It's amazing! I am now on a permanent LSD trip. Awesome, man!

"PLEAT, DON'T SCRUNCH" is my new motto to the oppressed masses.

Trust me, it works!

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Our fashion plate [color=#C0392B]Pamalinsky[/color] wrote:Hey Comrades!

I have learned to pleat my tinfoil hat, not scrunch it! Not only is it more stylish, I get increased reception. (I watch the Kardashians) [highlight=#ffff00]Even my boobs look bigger.[/highlight] It's amazing! I am now on a permanent LSD trip. Awesome, man!

"PLEAT, DON'T SCRUNCH" is my new motto to the oppressed masses.

Trust me, it works!
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Stop bragging Pammie and show me how to fold that tinfoil hat!
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Pamalinsky channeling Kim Kardashian through her tinfoil hat:

pammies-tinfoil-hat-i7575 copy.jpg

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Pamalinsky wrote:Hey Comrades!

I have learned to pleat my tinfoil hat, not scrunch it! Not only is it more stylish, I get increased reception. (I watch the Kardashians) Even my boobs look bigger. It's amazing! I am now on a permanent LSD trip. Awesome, man!

"PLEAT, DON'T SCRUNCH" is my new motto to the oppressed masses.

Trust me, it works!

Pammy, I've been pleating my tinfoil hat for my entire life because a scrunched hat doesn't go with a suit and tie too well. Nice to see you've joined the refined ranks. You'll never wear it scrunched again. Just be sure you know how to do it so you can teach others the power of the pleat.

And, trust me, a lot of women have come to me thinking that their boobs look bigger post-pleat. Well, I've done a little bit of research on the subject. The reason why is because their old hat was inefficiently processing signals and outsourced some of the processing to the visual center of the brain. Now that the have an ultra-efficient pleat, their visual center can be just used for seeing, and everything should be looking crisper, cleaner, more vibrant, and bigger. It should be like going from VHS tape stored near magnet to an IMAX movie.

Now, you have to be careful with this. Don't use it on the unwashed, they need to be on a trainer scrunch for at least a year, preferably 2 to 3, otherwise the pleat will melt their brains into a gurgling puddle of goop. Also, if somebody is over 65 and has been scrunching their entire life, you may want to put some bends and some kinks in the pleat to make it easier for them, because their brains will have been formed to receive the scrunch signals. And, if they feel the least bit uncomfortable, and it doesn't feel like revolution, switch back to the scrunch immediately.

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Pammie... I AM SHOCKED!!!


You know I'm kind of tight with Captain Craptek and I just might be able to get you some modeling work at Craptek's
Safer-Space World! (Mainly the stuff I don't want - I'm just kidding!) (Seriously... I'm not standing next to that Shit Box!!)
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[highlight=#ffff00]Edit: I forgot your little logo in the bottom right-hand corner... fixed it![/highlight]

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Ha! Ha! Ha! Comrade Putout! You're shocked?
Well, that'll learn ya!

(I know it's a little fuzzy around the edges but couldn't figure out in the time allotted how to select and distort the designated areas so as to get a harder edge, if you know what I mean.)

Oh and, I'll take any under the counter jobs you got. I need all the help I can get!

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When Kim Kardashian complains about the size of your ass...
you got a fat ass!
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Comrade Putout wrote:.
When Kim Kardashian complains about the size of your ass...
you got a fat ass!
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I dunno... Looks like she's stealing an exercise ball to me. I mean, that big ass with that small body? Not even with implants can you get that.

Also, the dress hangs all wrong. The lines aren't clean anymore, and the chest region is too tight. Some people think it's attractive, I think it's uncomfortable. I know that if my Johnson was being squeezed like the chest pictured I wouldn't be able to walk. I'd expect such a fit with a leather or even a spandex or nylon material, but not with a flowing, graceful dress. Even with a pair of trousers I might expect it, although with less pronunciation of the bulbous posterior. I dunno if it's the editing, but that dress is seriously NOT working for her.

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Comrade Putout wrote:.
President Obama thanks Red Salmon for thirty-years of public service as he prepares to release him into his retirement stream...
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You know you want him...
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obama-with-red-salmon-i7543.jpg

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Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
Comrade Putout wrote:.
When Kim Kardashian complains about the size of your ass...
you got a fat ass!
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I dunno... Looks like she's stealing an exercise ball to me. I mean, that big ass with that small body? Not even with implants can you get that.

Also, the dress hangs all wrong. The lines aren't clean anymore, and the chest region is too tight. Some people think it's attractive, I think it's uncomfortable. I know that if my Johnson was being squeezed like the chest pictured I wouldn't be able to walk. I'd expect such a fit with a leather or even a spandex or nylon material, but not with a flowing, graceful dress. [highlight=#ffff00]Even with a pair of trousers I might expect it, although with less pronunciation of the bulbous posterior. I dunno if it's the editing, but that dress is seriously NOT working for her.[/highlight]

Ha Ha! Gotcha all! That ain't no butt, it's a bustle!
The wasp waist, big bustle thing was, if you'll pardon the expression, "really big" at the end of the 1900's. Yuuuuge! Kim is just trying to resurrect this so she can cash in on her "assets." Seems to be working. God bless the working girl!

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Pamalinsky wrote: Ha Ha! Gotcha all! That ain't no butt, it's a bustle!
The wasp waist, big bustle thing was, if you'll pardon the expression, "really big" at the end of the 1900's. Yuuuuge! Kim is just trying to resurrect this so she can cash in on her "assets." Seems to be working. God bless the working girl!

You can hide things under it. I am sure at times Comrade Pam was on her unicycle.


 
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