Following up on last year's International Woman's Day breaking story about the ban on female flatulence in Indonesia, we have interviewed a local female flatulence expert, Fartima Passagasiya, to see how that particular government regulation has benefitted women and minorities one year later.
"The ruling prohibiting women from farting loudly in public places has certainly boosted our overall modesty and attractiveness," says Fartima, who also runs the local branch of eSharia.com.
"Before this law passed, many women had trouble finding a husband or maintaining a meaningful relationship, with us girls always issuing thunderous clasps of noxious fumes during dinner and a movie, and stinking up the room to the point of tears at the most intimate moments."
"Practicing self-restraint is important while dating; your Twitter followers don't need to know how many times and how loudly you farted on the first date," she writes in her relationship advice column.
"Without government regulations, women would have absolutely no idea how to dress, eat, drink, speak, move their bowels, obey their husband, or pass gas," acknowledges Fartima, adding that the ruling has also improved women's sense of responsibility with the provision of 20 lashes for small farts and up to 3 months prison time for larger ones. "It's a gift that keeps on giving."
The controversial anti-female-flatulence prohibition, professionally known as "fartwa," has also raised concerns among some terrorism experts, who were worried about an inevitable increase in the number of women exploding in public places, which could potentially confuse statistical analysis of suicide bombings in that geographical area.
Fartima dismisses such explosive rhetoric as offensive to the honor of those who martyred themselves while upholding a woman's dignity. "These sisters must be celebrated as martyrs who took one for the international solidarity of women everywhere," she says.
Praising the ban on female flatulence as a fundamental victory for women's rights, Fartima stresses the symbolism of it coinciding with International Women's Day.
"Unfortunately, the international feminist community is still lagging behind with regards to being Sharia-compliant," she says. "Women in Western societies in particular would do well to take notice and demand similar legislations passed in their home countries."
Describing herself as a "radical Islamic optimist," Fartima sees a lot of opportunity in this area, admitting that great strides in this direction have been made in the United States by the First Lady.
"Michelle Hussein Obama has introduced and passionately enforces government regulations on what to eat and what not to eat, what to drink and what not to drink, how and when to exercise, etcetera. And the ban on soda, salt, and trans-fats in New York City also brings them closer to our cultural model," she says. "There's yet hope for America."
Other comrades say: There ain't no butts about it.
Speaking just for myself, all I can add is, I "get" the drift.
Like we have proven through indisputable scientific proof since the 1960's, The Centers for Disease Control will show that flatulence kills, even non-female flatulence.
We will declare an all out war on flatulence - its production, its emission, its unwanted consumption by third-parties via second hand inhalation.
If second-hand smoke is a terrible disease, second-hand flatulence is worse. On that we can all agree. It must be regulated minutely, ostracized, and taxed into oblivion.
The Centers for Disease Control will direct its armies of busy-bodies to your local congressman's office to begin proceedings that will lead to the investigation and eradication of immoral profit taking by the corporations ultimately responsible for the origination of flatulence in any of the tempting flavors it may come in.
Flatulators beware! Your flatulations will soon be a thing of the past. In the meantime, you can huddle together in small, outdoor, cold, dank corridors at least 250 feet from the nearest entry to any public or private building.
"We'll put a cork in your ass, it's the American way…"
Anyer MarxFortunately, after millions of dollars spent in research and development, channeled through
Is that Gummint Cheese ™ ?? It's the food of the Gods!
... and the underlying chemical reaction is :