Image

Jeff Sessions admits he has a chronic caffeine addiction

User avatar
Attorney General Jeff Sessions has publicly disclosed that he is suffering from a "near-crippling" caffeine addiction after lashing out against a personal assistant who brought the AG a decaffeinated coffee with his breakfast. Once Sessions realized that his drink contained no caffeine, he was immediately overcome with anger and threw the burning hot beverage at his personal attendant.

What Sessions did not know was that his attendant was following directions from Mary Sessions, the wife of the AG who has in recent months expressed a growing concern over her husband's caffeine habit that finally came to a boiling point and erupted in a semi-public environment.

The personal attendant was treated for first degree burns on their face and neck. It was determined that the injury caused by the elevated temperature of the thrown drink was not severe enough for a hospital visit.

A brief statement by Sessions' family disclosed that Jeff Sessions has been struggling with his addiction to caffeine for at least a decade. His body has allegedly grown so tolerant of the substance that he needed to have a concentrated and synthetic form of caffeine administered directly into the bloodstream through intravenous therapy in order to bypass his liver and kidneys.

Other reliable sources have stated that concern over Jeff Sessions' addiction started when the problem has become serious when Sessions had to start resorting to daily coffee enemas just to feel the desired effects that drinking his coffee used to give him.

For the process of the enema, Sessions would lie on the floor as a trained person would slip in a small hose that hung from a suspended funnel whereby the lukewarm coffee would be poured directly into the bowels of the Attorney General.

In only a few months this method also became ineffective as his tolerance to caffeine grew to the point where the concentrated synthetic form had to be brought in and administered through an IV.

According to many doctors, caffeine can be addictive and people can develop a dependency for the substance if it is overused. This particular case is no doubt an extreme example of caffeine abuse, a trap that Attorney General Jeff Sessions has sadly fallen into. Sessions and his family have asked for prayers and kind wishes during this time for his recovery.

User avatar
Obviously the self care health lessons that Dear Leader Komrade Klinton taught us have been forgotten by this new Administration who all seem to be jacked up on caffeine. "Power through" was the Directive when Komrade Klinton was suffering from severe "allergies" (to the truth).

Image

User avatar
Papa Kalashnikook wrote:... this new Administration who all seem to be jacked up on caffeine ...
TRUMP now adopted an "easy vindication" of his particular caffeine-grabbing addiction.

I haf ‒ he says ‒ zhe Cherman roots, and zhe Kaffeetrinken is zhe #3 Cherman pleasure, right after zhe #1 vhich is Jodeln, and zhe #2 vhich is Schuhplattler-Tanz.

Asked "well, Mister President, so, with German roots, do you jodeln and schuhplattler-tanzen?", TRUMP switched to "Putin's defense" ‒ demonstrated by Sergey the Grump, and transmitted to TRUMP by Tillersosaurus Rex ‒ and blurted out: Who was bringing you up? Who was giving you your manners?


Kaffeekränzchen.1.jpg

User avatar
I will give up my caffeine addiction when they unwrap my cold, dead fingers from around my coffee mug.

Just sayin'

User avatar
Mikhail Lysenkomann wrote:I will give up my caffeine addiction when they unwrap my cold, dead fingers from around my coffee mug.

Just sayin'

Coffee mug? Wimp. This is what REAL addicts use:

nodoz.jpg

One pill has the amount of caffeine in a pint of coffee. Eat 8 and you've drunk a gallon faster than you can say Передозировка!

User avatar
As if that were not enough, Sessions started his own coffee company.



User avatar
Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
Mikhail Lysenkomann wrote:I will give up my caffeine addiction when they unwrap my cold, dead fingers from around my coffee mug.

Just sayin'

Coffee mug? Wimp. This is what REAL addicts use:

nodoz.jpg

One pill has the amount of caffeine in a pint of coffee. Eat 8 and you've drunk a gallon faster than you can say Передозировка!

I'll take mine the way God Marx intended it, thank you very much: with cream and whiskey.

Don't take away the only pleasure in life that remains to this old man.

User avatar
[color=#C0392B]Mikhail Lysenkomann[/color], junk science savant, wrote:I will give up my caffeine addiction when they unwrap my cold, dead fingers from around my coffee mug.

Just sayin'
.
Image .
Image

User avatar
That No-Doz is good, but it's hard to light, and it burns your fingers if you let it get too short.

User avatar
Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:That No-Doz is good, but it's hard to light, and it burns your fingers if you let it get too short.

So true Komrade Ivan. I tried hemostats but kept crushing the little things.I once tried wetting a No-Doz pill and duct taping it to my armpit for an osmosis effect. It didn't work, but ripping off the duct tape kept me awake for quite some time. I don't buy No-Doze anymore.

User avatar
Mikhail Lysenkomann wrote:
Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
Mikhail Lysenkomann wrote:I will give up my caffeine addiction when they unwrap my cold, dead fingers from around my coffee mug.

Just sayin'

Coffee mug? Wimp. This is what REAL addicts use:

nodoz.jpg

One pill has the amount of caffeine in a pint of coffee. Eat 8 and you've drunk a gallon faster than you can say Передозировка!

I'll take mine the way God Marx intended it, thank you very much: with cream and whiskey.

Don't take away the only pleasure in life that remains to this old man.


Certainly nothing wrong with a little extra *POW* under the hood to start the day off right.


 
POST REPLY