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Kavanaugh: secret alien from Pluto planning to conquer Earth

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GNN (Galactic News Network) -- With a cloture vote hours away and a confirmation vote likely happening over the weekend, Democrats may have one final chance to stop Brett Kavanaugh from becoming a member of the United States Supreme Court. An allegation has been made that he is actually an alien from Pluto.

An anonymous source states that she is the great grandmother of a woman whose boyfriend said his fourth cousin's roommate's uncle's neighbor's former girlfriend's father's aunt's brother's childhood friend told him that Judge Kavanaugh is actually a secret agent alien from Pluto working to help his kind conquer and enslave the people of Earth.

The person making this claim said he was abducted by aliens many years ago, had a device implanted in his brain, and can occasionally pick up conversations from these aliens. He had to think about it for a few days and ask attorneys whether what he heard was for real or not. He can't remember when he was originally abducted by aliens or where or even if they were from Pluto. He only has a vague sense of what they even look like. He did say he felt cold when they were around. However, he is 100% certain that the transmission he picked up is what he says it is.

Pluto's government has a number of grievances against Earth. First, they do not appreciate being spied on in 2015. They feel having a probe fly by their planet is contributing to climate change on Pluto. They also do not like being designated a "minor planet" just because there are other planets around their size in their part of the solar system. When they take over Earth, they will restore Pluto to full planet status.

Pluto's government has been watching the most powerful country on Earth, the United States, and how its people react. When the Supreme Court decides on something, the people eventually accept it without question. So, Pluto managed to ensure their spy, whose Earth name is "Brett Kavanaugh", was selected to fill the next Supreme Court vacancy. Kavanaugh has been given a special device that will control the minds of the other Supreme Court justices. However, it can malfunction with justices that are old enough to have personally known King Tut and who tend to fall asleep a lot in modern times.

The plan is to get enough justices to strike down Trump's Space Force as "unconstitutional". Even if Trump ignores the court, the delay will be long enough that Pluto's forces can surround the Earth and begin to take over. First, they will move the Earth out of its orbit with the sun, causing 'global cooling'. When a new ice age begins, residents of Pluto can begin moving to Earth and enslaving humans.

"The Earth has been in the 'Goldilocks Zone' for too long. It also has more usable space than our planet. We feel that by redistributing what Earth has in terms of usable space, it would allow for more equality in the solar system we all share. We are refugees from a planet out in the hinterlands of this solar system. We have a right to take over Earth and make it more like our planet. All your base are belong to us!" the anonymous representative from Pluto said.

Democrats are mixed on this. Some want an extended investigation from the Galactic Bureau of Investigation (GBI) and another delay on the confirmation vote. But just as Joe Biden said years ago when criticizing investigations, the GBI will do a "He said, she said, and they said. PERIOD. PERIOD!" Republicans think the person making this latest allegation is just a little bit insane.

Other progressive groups have different views. An anonymous high level member of one of the groups explained "If Kavanaugh had only pretended to be a LGBTQIAPPXYZABC pansexual transgendered individual who uses pronouns like zhe or zir and had a COEXIST bumper sticker on his sustainable electric-powered flying saucer, we could overlook the Pluto part and taking over our planet. But he pretends to be a typical privileged white male? THAT is disqualifying! We can't let him anywhere near the Supreme Court. Deport him back to Pluto! And now we know why he has ice everywhere. He needs it because he's from Pluto!"

Kavanaugh insists that he was born on Earth, is a human being, and did not even know that life of any kind exists on Pluto. He states emphatically that his only goal in all of this is to serve the people of the United States as an associate justice on the Supreme Court. He denies any knowledge of plots to take over the Earth and bring about a new ice age.

Progressives are not buying it. Since an accusation has been made, the new standard is that it must be true. They are readying a whole new set of protestors who stand up and refuse to let the Earth be overrun by self-proclaimed "refugees" from Pluto. Professionally printed mass produced signs reading "No interplanetary invasions!", "Pluto is just a minor planet!", "Send Kavanaugh back to Pluto!", "Pluto 'refugees' go home!", "Keep Earth warm! No new ice age!", "Global warming, not global cooling!", "No hearts for invaders from Pluto!" and "No ICE! No ice age! No Pluto immigrants!" will be distributed to protestors.

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Comrade Vlad Linen wrote: Progressives are not buying it. Since an accusation has been made, the new standard is that it must be true. They are readying a whole new set of protestors who stand up and refuse to let the Earth be overrun by self-proclaimed "refugees" from Pluto. Professionally printed mass produced signs reading "No interplanetary invasions!", "Pluto is just a minor planet!", "Send Kavanaugh back to Pluto!", "Pluto 'refugees' go home!", "Keep Earth warm! No new ice age!", "Global warming, not global cooling!", "No hearts for invaders from Pluto!" and "No ICE! No ice age! No Pluto immigrants!" will be distributed to protestors.
Will protestors be encouraged to wear funny hats? On-site hat booths are now being prepared for the protests, along with the usual sign-printers and popcorn machines. (After the unfortunate events during a previous protest, special surveillance will be provided to prevent MAGA hats from appearing among the merchandise spontaneous apparel.)

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Comrade RedD, most equally! Tinfoil hats to pick up messages from Pluto about Kavanaugh are encouraged! Protesters without a tinfoil hat can buy one at the booths.


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Comrade Vlad Linen wrote:Kavanaugh insists that he was born on Earth, is a human being, and did not even know that life of any kind exists on Pluto. He states emphatically that his only goal in all of this is to serve the people of the United States as an associate justice on the Supreme Court. He denies any knowledge of plots to take over the Earth and bring about a new ice age.
There you have it, guilty as charged. Let the impeachment begin!

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Comrade Red Square, most glorious illustration as always! And now, I am waiting for the sky to fall in as accused-almost-rapist-and-likely-alien-agent-from-Pluto "Brett Kavanaugh" has been sworn in to the Supreme Court! What ever shall we do? I second Komissar al-Blogunov. He is guilty because he has been accused! Demand impeachment now! Maybe that will save us from the sky falling in or an impending invasion from Pluto!

Oh and as to Ancient Aliens, I have heard rumors that "Brett Kavanaugh" (his Earth name) is not 53 earth years, but actually tens of thousands of years old. When primitive people drew artwork of what looks like an astronaut, it was actually "Brett Kavanaugh" inside! This is what I have been told so it must be true. Indeed, he is actually older than Comrade Ruth Bader Ginsburg!

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Pluto transited Scorpio November of 1983. Pluto is a transpersonal planet, and as such prefers a gender neutral pronoun. Meanwhile, supporter's of Pluto and skeptics of testimony by Deborah Ramirez that she saw and touched "it", gather outside the Supreme Court.

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