The following story is true. I, Komrad Jak, fearless New York Times reporter, visited the future and returned bearing good news: The future is progressive!

Chapter 1: Rove's pill

It all began last Thursday. I had been stalking Karl Rove for an interview for several days. He always managed to elude me. Nevertheless, I discovered his habits, and as he began his daily hour of solitary evil laughter, I crept into his evil laboratory hidden beneath his personal IHOP. As the damp air filled my lungs, I scoured the moss covered floor for a light-switch; then I remembered they were usually on walls. I reached out into the darkness and pulled a metallic switch. Some instrument lights came on, and a strange device materialized out of the darkness. I recognized it immediately: a time machine.

"I wonder how this thing works?" I thought aloud.

"That's an espresso machine." informed a sinister sounding voice.

"ROVE! Where's the time machine!?" I demanded.

"Over there in the corner." he said as he pointed to a diseased mop and bucket.

"I'm not falling for your Republican dark warlock tricks!" I shouted defiantly.

"Oh, it may not look like much now, but once you take this pill, you'll see it for what it is. Think about it, do you really think I'd make a time machine look like a time machine without there being some sort of trick?"

Rove wore a strange smile on his face. But I knew what he was doing, he was trying reverse psychology on me. He knew I didn't trust him and that I wouldn't believe anything he said, so therefore if he told the truth I'd assume he was lying, so the best way for him to deceive me was to tell the truth. I wasn't falling for it.

"Gimme that!" I snatched the pill from his grubby dirty republican hands and crammed it down my throat.

I began to feel dizzy almost immediately. A wooshing sound seemed to surround me, and I felt happiness in my buttocks. Rove began to lead me to the time machine, and I obediantly followed. Before I knew it, my face was covered in water. Dirty water. With a roach swimming in it. Who would've guessed time machines were filled with water? Eventually the water overcame my semi-conscious state and I blacked out.

Sunshine greeted my newly opened eyes as I blinked into the world of tommorrow.

"He's waking up!"

"We're saved!"

"Our messiah is here!"

Funny, I didn't think Obama would be in the future. As my consciousness returned to me, a crowd of people were gathering singing praises to what I suspected had to be Obama - though I didn't see him anywhere. A man, who appeared to be in charge, came forward and greeted me.

"Welcome traveller from the past, we have been waiting for you. You see, my people and I are threatened with disaster and we need a savior!" the man spoke candidly. It was at this moment I realized he was actually a talking monkey.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not Obama." I replied. I didn't want to get their hopes up.

"Um, we're not actually looking for Obama. You see, things here in the future, in the year 2108, are very different from the world you remember." the talking monkey noted.

"What I want to know is, is the world finally progressive?"

"You might want to sit down for this. I'm going to give you the full story in a nutshell, and you tell me what you think. The future is run entirely by machines built by conservatives some decades ago. Incidentally, we kinda killed off these same conservatives..."

"No more conservatives!? Fantastic!" I was ec

The talking monkey pursed his lower monkey lip, then continued, "Actually, it's not fantastic. You see, the machines that run our world are breaking down and none of us know how to fix them. We need a conservative who can fix the machines for us."

"You've got the wrong guy. I'm a New York Times reporter."

"What's that?" someone within the crowd inquired.

"It's a fancy term for communist."

"Oh. We may have a problem then. You're actually a moderate by our standards," said the talking monkey, "You see, we were kinda hoping for someone very specific from the past. You may have heard of him, his name is Bush."

"WHAT!? Bush is no savior! He's the most evil man EVER!" I shouted.

"Precisely. You see, we wanted the most conservative conservative from the past we could get. Looking back through history, we know that the more conservative a conservative is, the more they are hated....."

".....And no one is hated more than Bush." I finished his sentence. I had to admit, it was some pretty good logic. But still, why Bush?

"Anyways, we had sent the time machine back in time to Bush, hoping it'd bring him back here. Unfortunately, it seems someone named "Rove" intercepted it and used it to see the outcomes of elections so he could change them." the talking monkey elaborated.

Damn that Rove. Even in the future he was still tricking people and talking monkeys.

As I cognitively digested his tale, a discrepancy emerged. "Wait a second talking monkey, in my time, progressives didn't kill people, or even conservatives for that matter. How is it that future progressives began this practice?"

"You really don't know? It was just the logical extension of the policies that existed even in your time. You know how abortions are a woman's right to choose? You know how the state is like the ultimate mother who knows best? And do you know about death with dignity? Well, we basically merged those three principles into one. We decided people and conservatives could die when they wanted to, but that they wouldn't always know when it was was that they wanted to. The state, always knowing best, made this choice instead. And, because of a woman's right to choose, the ultimate mother got to have these abortions on demand whenever she wanted them. Incidentally, the state decided that conservatives desired death with dignity, so we carried out the abortions and that was that."

"Gosh, that's brilliant! I simply must tell Obama about this when I return to my own time."

"Yes, you can do that...But first, we have some work for you to do. You may not be a conservative, but you at least KNEW conservatives, so you should still try to help us." the talking monkey spoke bluntly.

"Oh yeah? What happens if I don't?" I shot back haughtily. I suppose that feeling useful for once was going to my head.

"Then the state will have one more abortion to carry out." the talking monkey put forcefully.

"When do I start?"

The talking monkey turned around and motioned to the crowd. I didn't understand his gesture, but several members of the crowd came forward with objects in their hands.

"These are the great machines which run our world. Their complexity astounds even our greatest engineers and scientists. Perhaps you can decipher their strange conservative design so that they might be fixed." said the talking monkey.

"Those are cabbages. Cabbages are living things, not machines." I spoke dryly. Was this a joke?

"Living? You mean they have artificial intelligence? My lab team had thought so." intoned a man with the word "scientist" stamped on his forehead.

"Well, perhaps not living anymore. This cabbage badly needs water. Definitely not a machine though."

"Wait, so if these so-called cabbages are living, then why can't they vote? And why are we eating them?" asked a different man with the same forehead stamp.

The monkey interjected, "We stopped eating living things decades ago. Do you mean to tell us we failed? Oh Gaia help us!"

A groan rose up from the crowd.

"You didn't fail, just think of it as an abortion. Maybe, according to the state, the cabbages WANT to be eaten."

"Oooooh", "Brilliant!", "Our savior!" went voices in the crowd.

"And for the cabbages to start growing again, they will need water." I added.

"Thank you, oh wise one. We shall do as you say. But first, let us show you the world of the future, a most progressive world indeed." said the talking monkey.

And I let him lead me there with his furry little hand.

To be continued...

Talking monkeys? That is indeed a great future! I only want to live in a future that will have monkeys that talk to me!

This is delightful! And yet another confirmation of my vision of the coming World of Next Tuesday! Karl Marx prophesy is coming true! In the latter days, comrades and Commissar's alike will have great visions of what is to come.