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Lunar Orbital Oscillation: the new threat to America

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Reports from Washington insiders indicate that federal agencies may soon issue regulations to combat LOO, Lunar Orbital Oscillation, described by activists as "the greatest threat to global diversity since Climate Change."

"In order to survive continuing massive Republican budget cuts, millions of minority Americans have been forced to adopt low-cost carbohydrate-rich diets which destroy their health and their ability to endure long protest marches while at the same time vastly enriching the one-percent," says Francis Liverbilt, chairman of the Coalition for Orbital Stability, a group that brings together concerned activists from all across the progressive spectrum.

The problem as Liverbilt sees it is that the increasing number of gravitationally-challenged Americans – just don't use the "O"-word, he cautions, rejecting a divisive term overloaded with multiple layers of racist and sexist insinuations – has shifted the planet's center of mass so much that hitherto unimaginable gyrations in the moon's orbit have played havoc with tides and horoscopes. "Already we've seen the variations in the lunar orbit exceed 10-47 peer-reviewed light years. That's a number with a whole lot of zeros, even more than the national debt that conservatives are always whining about."

This reporter reached out to some of country's the best-known astronomers for a response, but only one was willing to speak to me, albeit anonymously. "If this guy doesn't know the difference between zeros before the decimal point and zeros after the decimal point, maybe he should go back to the third grade," the scientist said contemptuously. "Not to mention the fact that Henri Poincaré proved a long time ago, in his analysis of the three body problem, that planetary orbits can never be determined exactly to the millimeter. Ask what's-his-name if he even knows what a millimeter is. By the way, please don't mention my name or the name of my university, or my gender, or that I believe that there are only two genders."

Liverbilt emphatically rejects the anonymous astronomer's rebuttal. "First of all, I already did the third grade once and got all A's. Ms. Jones even wrote on my report card that I was very special. Second, everybody knows that old-fashioned science is a mental construct of bigoted, racist, sexist dead European males, so what this cultural rapist Poincaré – and I call him a rapist because this so-called 'three body problem' is nothing more than a glorification of gang rape – proved or didn't prove is totally irrelevant. Third of all, the progressive science has been settled once and for all, so why is this so-called astronomer threatening me and all the other right-thinking activists? One more thing, ask what's-his-or-her-name if she or he knows what Title IX is."

Liverbilt demands immediate government action to halt the alarming lunar orbital variations, and is organizing an international conference in Geneva next year to bring together experts in the hope of framing an effective plan of government and private-sector action. "The root of the problem is the ICF – Individual Carbohydrate Footprint – of the minority individuals most affected by the greed of bankers and international corporations that have raked in trillions of immoral profits from their cynical oppression of the ninety-nine percent. Only government can guarantee wonderful lives and accurate horoscopes for everybody, rich and poor alike. Do you have any idea what happens when the moon changes its path through the Zodiac? When the tides rise? New Orleans will be below sea level in our lifetimes. London, Paris and Washington are next. Chaos, utter chaos!" Liverbilt warns.

I remind him that New Orleans has been below sea level since the day it was founded. "You see, it's already happening," Liverbilt cries. "Time is running out for all of us."

Among the proposed new regulations, which so far have not been released to the public and which Liverbilt hopes never will be, are the establishment of a Nutrition Ingestion Agency by which consumer diet inspectors will monitor the caloric intake of folks and report suspected violations of the Carbohydrate Reduction Code on their government-issued iPhones to local SWAT teams, and the appointment of orbit facilitators, to be stationed in across the globe (Liverbilt suggests St. Barts and Hawaii, where astronomical viewing conditions are optimal) to monitor fluctuations in the moon's orbit. Not only will America's image in the international community be restored, but best of all, new taxes will be imposed on international corporations, bankers and their greedy middle-class accomplices.

"There is a lot of pushback coming from Neanderthal Republican troglodytes against this global initiative," Liverbilt says, acknowledging the opposition to what his opponents derisively call his "Save the Moon" campaign. "But the world is full of people who are too stupid to understand the dangers staring them right in their faces. We can't wait until we've re-educated every single stubborn constitutionalist and neo-conservative revisionist who wants to send the world back to the seventh century. We have to act first and convince later. That's the difficult burden of always being right, and I bear it with pride."

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Comrades, we really need UN regulators to monitor greedy conservatives, Republicans and the real culprit CAPITALISM, which should be considered a hate crime. In fact, I just gave up Nutella in order to avoid the coming prison sentence for deforestation.....my best guess is that failure to comply would also be considered a hate crime.Image

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DhimmiNoMore wrote:The problem as Liverbilt sees it is that the increasing number of gravitationally-challenged Americans – just don't use the "O"-word, he cautions, rejecting a divisive term overloaded with multiple layers of racist and sexist insinuations – has shifted the planet's center of mass so much that [highlight=#ffff00]hitherto unimaginable gyrations[/highlight] in the moon's orbit have played havoc with tides and horoscopes.
I became so excited as I tried to imagine these unimaginable gyrations that I could barely concentrate on the remainder of this most equal article about The Latest Crisis.™ Oh my. But indeed Something Must Be Done,™ and I trust in Dear Leader and all congressmammals* to do it.


* Why only mammals, I ask you? #PiscineLivesMatter #AvianLivesMatter #InvertebrateLivesMatter

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This strange lunar activity accompanied with these outrageous Republican budget cuts is causing strange behavior of a species known as 'Moonbats' and has been pin pointed to their obsessive swarming lately...


 
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