After complaints left unresolved, the scandal-scarred United Airlines is no longer threatening to "disappear" its passengers, both human and non-human. The issue arose when the owner of the giant rabbit who died in the care of the airline last Tuesday suspected a cover-up after her bunny's remains were allegedly cremated so she would never know the truth about how it died.

Pundits at major news outlets suspected an obvious link between this gruesome incident and the recent merger of United Airlines with their North Korean counterparts, which resulted in the newly-named United-Pyongyang Air. Some experts claim that the merger was the North Korean government's ploy to find novel sources of nutrition to feed their nation's starving people.

News have leaked earlier about North Korean generals being fed to the dogs, also cats, snakes, and even giant rabbits, who are, in turn, then being fed to the general North Korean population, including United-Pyongyang's passengers. United got in on the game by instituting a lottery to decide which passengers or any of the transported pets get to "disappear" for the common good, serving as nutritious sustenance to the rest of the flying community.

An anonymous North Korean defector gave investigators detailed evidence of a widespread conspiracy ranging from the premeditated murder of giant bunnies, to the hiring of North Korean hitmen and hitwomen who roam international airports with poison applicators, to entire planes disappearing over the China seas, with United-Pyongyang covering all of it up with legal language and small print at the bottom of every ticket, relieving involved parties of any responsibility.

We have since learned that United's employees now have to sign a nondisclosure agreement in Korean to cover the period of their employment and afterward, forbidding them to talk about anything related to their work at United-Pyongyang Air.

Reportedly giant rabbits all across the globe are hiding in terror from owners who would ship them on United-Pyongyang Air. Interviewed by the Globe, one giant rabbit in hiding was clearly unable to speak, nor even to identify its assumed gender, although it must have been a cisgendered female since it didn't come on to the Globe reporter dressed up as a United-Pyongyang Air stewardess.

Asked about this matter in Honolulu, former President Barack Obama jumped off his surfboard and read a prepared statement from the teleprompter: "The death of Simon the Giant Bunny is a tragedy that surpasses 9-11. Simon should get a national holiday, the same as we got after Donald Trump murdered Trayvon Martin, the son I never had."

With his famously wide smile, he added, "All human and non-human minorities, including sexual refugees and foreign nationals from Somalia, have rights to free passage and free health care guaranteed by the US Constitution. For our democracy to continue, we cannot allow discrimination against these few remaining voters for the Democratic Party."

The former president, however, rejected the idea of taking military action against United, pointing out that subtle diplomacy, which includes nagging, guilt-tripping, demands for reparations, and raising taxes, has always been more effective.

"No bunny is illegal."

-Hillary Rodham Clinton

Kommissar Chernobylski wrote:
With his famously wide smile, [Obama] added, "All human and non-human minorities, including sexual refugees and foreign nationals from Somalia, have rights to free passage and free health care guaranteed by the US Constitution. For our democracy to continue, we cannot allow discrimination against these few remaining voters for the Democratic Party."

And pouting frowning magisterially, he intoned, "It's not who we are."