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Obama Administration Reforms DHS

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Washington D.C. - In the White House, surrounded by kegs, voluminous music, and young women with bongs in hand, President Obama commenced his announcement his DHS reforms. The fiat was only interrupted, momentarily, by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's projectile vomit ordeal in the Lincoln bedroom. Undeterred, the President announced DHS will receive a new name, Department of Homeland Sororities.

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Flanked by a crimson aquatic animal, he also made the announcement of DHS' new symbol, the Red Herring.

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"I'm red, and so are my politics."

The next morning, Mrs. Clinton was reported to be recovering from "allergies."

Is there any question why Leopards must be protected??

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I denounce them for using disposable cups. I mean, how close is this to Earth Day or Gaia is Great Day or Blow Mother Nature Day?

Really!

This must be a special branch of the Department of Homeland Scrutiny. Our glorious Secretary of DHS, J-No, is said to take a special interest in the re-education of female kulaks. These kulaks obviously need to be stripped of their decadent garb!

Send them to the KMTC for re-education and de-lousing [surely it is a vile canard by the vicious right-wing terrorists that the kulaks need to be de-loused because of contact with our self-serving self-less Servant-of-the-People, J-No]

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Running-Dog, to the Jifi-Lobo with you! This is seditious! We know that she ennobles everything that she touches and all that she does is for us.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Running-Dog, to the Jifi-Lobo with you! This is seditious! We know that she ennobles everything that she touches and all that she does is for us.
Commissar Theocritus:

You misunderstand me. In my own, inarticulate way I was attempting to defend our glorious Secretrary of DHS, the lovely J-No.

If I must go to the KMTC for re-education: is it co-ed and can I go with the female kulaks (especially the one in the leopard-print)?

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So long as the leopard print is not real leopard.

Do you think that we ought to have a Department of Animal-Patterned Spandex for comradettes?

I propose that we have it and that its first assignment to be to develop prestressed leopard-patterned Spandex made of Tyvek and piano wire for Our Many Titted Empress. I cannot tell you how many times she's been over at the Rancho de Rio Grande and tried to wedge her bountiful butt into Bruno's drag pants, and the result has been the sound of ripping sailcloth, which revealed a tital wave of stippled lard. Yes, we need that department.

Commissar Theocritus:

I am not certain that Tyvek would have a sufficiently high tensile strength to restrain all of Our Many Tittled Empress's "lotza lovin" posterior. Some experimentation would be needed but I have a suspicion that depleted-uranium is the only material that would do the job.

The Department of Animal-Pattern Spandex for Comradettes (No Real Animals Were Harmedtm) sounds like a great idea. I selflessly volunteer to start the research and development. Some political groundwork will needed to be done in order for His O'liness to impose the appropriate height/weight ratio -- strictly for the Common Goodtm , of course.

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What about something using carbon-fiber technology? A sandwich of carbon fiber, Tyvek, and steel mesh, impregnated at high pressure with resin. I would add powdered granite, or perhaps here's a good use for the powdered depleted uranium. The last time Our Many Titted Empress managed to shove her steatopygous fundament into the Bruno's Halloween Punchinello costume (and remember he's 6'4" so it was a BIG costume), before it burst we had an awe-inspiring view of the stippling and the infected sebaceous glands.

I was hysterically blind for a week and it was so bad that all the heterosexual men there found themselves making advances to Bruno, saying, "I just can't take the risk. I don't want to, but the risk? Not worth it."

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Kind and Generous Leader, I was wondering why you missed the Grand opening of Hemlock Restaurant No 500, I did hear you were under the weather but hysterical blind I was unaware of. Had I known I would have sent a contingent of Goons Highly Trained troopers to help and protect you. For the most part they are limited in ability and flexibility, but they are useful in the areas of “Seeing Eye” dogs,and body guards.

Carbon fiber, combined with carbon Nano-tube technology could well be a possible answer to the MTE challenge. But to hold in this much Cellulite "YIKES"!!!. Remember the downside, this material at minimum has 10X the strength of series 600 stainless, should it fail, the energy release would be so rapid and massive, doubtless would equal the destructive power of a mid-range nuclear fission weapon. I would calculate a yield in the 500 kiloton range.
Just remember old friend, "if she puts this on you really need to be somewhere else".

A distance of 25 miles should do, about the same distance you need to be when the skank in Leopard printed spandex, and her little chunky side-kick in blue start moaning out what ever disgusting noise they are attempt to pass off as singing.


Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality ä INC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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Red Star, thank you as always for your consideration. Come the revolution you will be rewarded with an endless discount at Jifi-Lobo, for your, er, shock troops who need a little attitude adjustment.

Your scenario of our MTE's exploding underwear has renewed something that has caused me nightmares for years. I could only cure them by rolling in beds of OPM.

But your vision of our Skank Secretary of State--that is soul-shivering. I can just see our MTE--SSOS of USSA parading around in carbon nanotube technology at the Rancho de Rio Grande flashing her boobs around the brass pole that she insisted that I have installed.

Do you know how hard it is to clean that brass pole? Varsol doesn't touch it.

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Hummmm…. Yes, cleaning the Brass pole after the MTE, has slithered around it, a poser of a problem, not to mention very disgusting. Especially horrific if Billy Bubba was there with his cigar, and chubby little pigs.

You might want to try a combination of Sulfuric acid, Soft-scrub and Open-pit Barbeque sauce. But as for the Bed of Other Peoples Money, I must break the news to you; the Obamessiah has stated it's all his money. But you are correct it would still be O.P.M. or just O.M.M. or perhaps O.H.M. does not really matter, as Made Progressives, we have a duty to take it away from the proles, they are such children.

Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality ä INC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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You know, Red Star, what do you think about opening a new service in each Hemlock Restaurant?

"Come in for the finest in delectable viands! While you are eating we can give you excellent financial advice too! Bring your checkbook and your credit cards!"

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Yes, Kind and Generous Leader this could work. They come in have a few drinks, we send a "Highly trained Financial Adviser" (Reality a Goon in a suit) give them a few more drinks,


Yes, good idea, the opportunities in the world of next Tuesday.


Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality ä INC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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Once I knew a fellow who bought a car on a credit card. Do you need a new one? I'd think that after a few sessions with a financial adviser you'd have all the cars you want, all the stereos. Your wife a fur coat--screw PETA--and all the lovely electronics that you can handle.

Image One of the advantages, perhaps the only one, of not having a family is that I get to have all the electronics that I want. I sit here on my 545h birthday, shared with Barbra Streisand and Shirley MacLaine, unable to think of a single piece of electronics that I want and do not have.

I am a success. Now if I can only one day knock the shit out of a CNN reporter, my life will be utterly replete.


 
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