Cube exclusive:

OBAMA CURES MENTAL ILLNESS AND SUBSTANCE DEPENDENCE IN ALL OF MICHIGANISTAN

His healing touch:

Comrades! I, Commissarka of Ministry of Love, Kelly Ivanovna, am very happy to tell you that Obama has yet one more time astounded us with his Healing Powers! And he has ensured, through our comrades in the Commissariat of Medicaid and the Michiganistan Legislature, that his wishes shall be followed to the letter.

People in Michiganistan (who will eventually all be on Obamacare) rest assured that any problem they or a loved one have with depression, mania, or with obtaining an airtight chamber they can crawl into to keep Joe Biden from beaming bad jokes into their head, will be solved in a timely manner and CURED FOR LIFE!

Here is how it works.

Nowadays, and for the past 20 years, if you had an acute exacerbation of mental illness, you went to your neighborhood ER. If that ER had a psych unit, and if all their beds weren't full(which was unlikely) you would either stay there or the Community Mental Health team would come in and cure you *; OR we would admit you.

If their beds WERE full (far more likely) the social worker assigned to you would spend from 8-36 hours finding you a bed in another hospital. Just 8-36 hours, that's right! Because we just have that many beds in Michigan for psychiatric patients and they are completely full only 99% of the time!

But now those in Michiganistan on Obamacare have a much better option: Although they all have been medically cleared before a psychiatric admit can happen, Obama wants to make sure that if they need the odd heart transplant, gender reassignment surgery, or just want a thorough check-up by the GI department, a patient hospitalized for psychiatric reasons will NO LONGER be able to stay in a hospital that specializes in psychiatry and is not attached to a general hospital!!!!!

So now, instead of having to go, say 30 miles from home to a psychiatric unit, patients will need to be shipped to places over 75 miles away, far from meddling family members who tend to disrupt the re-edukation process, anyway. And they will enjoy many more hours in their friendly comfortable emergency room where the staff is always patient and available; or their local crisis center which has comfy chairs where they can sit as they wait (who needs a bed if you're not in the hospital yet?)

Not only that, but Obama has been guiding the Michiganistan legislature, it seems, in their recent attempts at fixing the substance abuse treatment system (because Lenin knows, all those private agencies treating addicts don't know what the hell they're doing, especially when they tell people that addicts don't do well in recovery until they WANT to be in recovery). Because they have just passed a bill making it possible for INVOLUNTARY HOSPITALIZATION of substance abusers. ....and you know what THAT means for our mentally ill?

That's right! The psychiatric beds that are still available to them will now be filled with substance abusers! So no one who needs them will be able to get a psychiatric bed! So since none of them are hospitalized....they must be all better, right? There you have it! The Sainted O. has cured them all!!!

Not only that, but those pesky little stand-alone psychiatric hospitals will soon be shut down, unable to get reimbursement from the Mighty Government. So if the evil teabagging conservative Rethuglikans come into office in 2016, they won't be able to do anything about all these hopey-changey improvements! BWAA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! (Do you like my impression of our MTE laughing? good, huh?)

The change in hospitals contracted with the plans, and the addendum to our mental health code to allow those with substance abuse problems to be committed are real; but the news may currently just been given to those of us in the treatment community, so I can't post anything to back this up. YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO TRUST ME CUBERS!!!! BWA-HA-HA...oops, sorry.

----------------------------

*(Hats off to our beloved brethren working in our CMHs who have prevented needless hospitalizations, such as for a man at one hospital who intended to hang himself....but didn't know how to tie a noose. And the hospital thought he should STAY! imagine that).

Our Dear Leader has defeated death. From now on, anyone who speaks about death is capitalist pig.

Sleep is for everyone and everyone sleep. Some take their naps a bit longer, but it is quite normal. We built coffins underground beds for those who take long naps. If you have anyone sleeping too much. take them to the nearest morgue People's Processing Plant for Deep Sleepers.

Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна wrote:*(Hats off to our beloved brethren working in our CMHs who have prevented needless hospitalizations, such as for a man at one hospital who intended to hang himself....but [highlight=#FFFF99]didn't know how to tie a noose[/highlight]. And the hospital thought he should STAY! imagine that).

In the name of "efficiency" and for The Children™ noose tying instruction will now be included in the continuing education classes at your local undertaker.

Hammer and Loupe wrote:Sleep is for everyone and everyone sleep. Some take their naps a bit longer, but it is quite normal. We built coffins underground beds for those who take long naps. If you have anyone sleeping too much. take them to the nearest morgue People's Processing Plant for Deep Sleepers.

In the Northeast USSA we refer to this normal condition as an "extended dirt nap" - but I must say I prefer your cozier vision - "underground beds".

Say DA! to Michiganistan!

Oops! Sorry, our new slogan is Pure Michiganistan..... Considering the number of tweekers and crackheads hereabouts, there will be no room for us truly crazy people.

The Cube still rules on the People's Search Engine!


Decided during my characteristically halcyon midnight shift to see if we have a form to use for commitment of substance abuse patients. I never found one, but I did notice that when I googled "michigan legislature substance abuse", and looked under the news tab, this thread was second in line:



Not sure why they put "satire" there though....are they mocking us????

Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна wrote:The Cube still rules on the People's Search Engine!


Decided during my characteristically halcyon midnight shift to see if we have a form to use for commitment of substance abuse patients. I never found one, but I did notice that when I googled "michigan legislature substance abuse", and looked under the news tab, this thread was second in line:

google capture.png

Not sure why they put "satire" there though....are they mocking us????

I am sure they are mislead Comrade Kelly.

This problem of the commons is best solved with summary executions.

Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна deserved Cheers when she wrote: .... [T]hey will enjoy many more hours in their friendly comfortable emergency room where the staff is always patient and available; or their local crisis center which has comfy chairs where they can sit as they wait ....

Where everybody knows your na-a-a-me!

Comrade Otis wrote:This problem of the commons is best solved with summary executions.

Comrade Otis,

In these difficult days it is gratifying to find solutions to a pressing problem encapsulated succinctly and clearly in a single sentence. As you see, I am personally unable to do this.