Moved by an incident in which several meteors were killed while attempting to land in Russia last week, President Obama announced that all of the immigration reforms his administration has proposed to Congress will be amended to apply to meteors as well as other undocumented Democrat groups.
In making the announcement, the president rejected his own straw-man argument that meteors should not be placed on a par with other immigrants because they are nothing but "space junk", alleging that such notions are part of a GOP "War on Meteors" he says that party will be waging during the 2014 mid-term elections.
The president made his remarks to a hastily-assembled group of reporters whom he addressed while attempting a 30-ft putt on an unspecified golf course.
Mr. Obama took no questions after his remarks, closing out the session by telling the assembled journalists "Get lost now, after I make this putt I'm going to have a very expensive lunch I don't want you to see me eating."
Civil rights groups immediately hailed the action as "groundbreaking," literally as well as metaphorically.
A spokesperson for the Southern Meteor Law and Donations Center observed that the president had effectively killed two birds with one space stone, opening the nation's doors to both extra-terrestrial beings as well as non-sentient mineral ones.
The spokesmeteor stated the center was preparing a new mailing soliticing funds from donors to advance legislation to protect meteors from being taken advantage of by conservatives who seek to make use of meteors' iron and nickel content.
"We don't allow them to take feathers from eagles so we shouldn't allow them to take nickel from meteors".
Meanwhile, clueless white guys at the Republican National Committee were beside themselves after realizing that President Obama had scored another major political coup at their expense.
"When are we gonna learn?" whined Karl Rove on national TV. "We are busy jabbering about issues no one cares about like the economy and the debt while Obama is running rings around us on social issues. He has just secured the meteor vote for the Democrats for at least a generation. YAAAAAH!"
Political scientists commented that as long as the GOP remains in the thrall of the regressive white Christian Tea Party types, the party will be excluded from appealing to emergent new voter groups such as meteors.
"You see a lot of 'Danger - Falling Rocks' signs in rural areas dominated by conservatives" noted one expert. "That shows you the backward, bigoted attitudes that are entrenched there. It's just sad how insular and cliquish those people are."
"You would never see such a sign in New York or other progressive urban areas. We're much more open-minded, tolerant and diverse."
Token nominal conservative David Brooks of the meteor-friendly NY Times speculated that the GOP would now engage in a mad scramble to locate Meteor-American candidates for the forthcoming 2014 elections.
"I fully expect to see a lot of people named 'Rocky' on their ballot next year", observed Brooks, who added "As usual, the media will accuse the Republicans of pandering and as usual, they will be right."
As has been his practice, Mr. Obama will be speaking next week flanked by numerous meteors who are expected to benefit from his policies. The president will be appearing to commemorate the opening of a new federally-funded factory manufacturing solar-powered electric toothbrushes and is expected to acknowledge the contributions of Meteor-Americans in making heavenly bodies and solar power possible.
A rare photo of a NASA spacecraft in the asteroid belt, registering Democrat voters for the 2016 election. With billions of new voters registered, President Barackzebub Hussein Obama is guaranteed a third term!
R.O.C.K. in the USSAA rare photo of a NASA spacecraft in the
Obama gives equal rights to all meteors.
R.O.C.K. in the USSAComrade Putout - my R.O.C.K.s are your R.O.C.K.s :) Especially when they're, um, "off".
Undoubtedly, your favorite rock group is the Rolling Stones, comrade.
It was the Rethuglikkkan obstructionists in Congress that have unleashed this SHITQUESTER upon the lands."
We're all gonna die.