PC: Mr. President, recent polling indicates your popularity is at an all time low and people think the country is going in the wrong direction. We understand that you have the solutions for America’s problems and the Tea Party is derailing your efforts to save the country. Do you have any strategy to defeat the Tea Party Terrorists. (We felt this was a particularly hard-ball question.)
Pres: Thank you for that question. Yes, our new strategy is effective whining. We saw how the underdog position benefited us during the 2008 campaign and we are tapping into that magic by appealing to the compassion of the American people. If they feel sorry for me, I can win the people over to my side. I have been practicing a quivery voice and looking dejected but this is impossible to incorporate into the teleprompter which creates difficulty. But I feel up to the challenge and have been practicing with my daughters. They think I am quit good at it.
PC: So, are you just whining in general or can you offer our readers something more specific?
Pres: Targeted whining is the key. I only whine about blame worthy issues. By this I mean blaming others must be easily attached to the object of my whining. Preferably we can target my political opponents but anyone will do. The result must be shifting blame for any adverse consequences of my actions onto someone, anyone else. We do have limits. We would never blame Warren Buffet of course and General Electric is off the table but mostly our blaming options are unlimited.
PC: Could you give us an example of effective “blame-whining”?
Pres: This rotten economy is killing my popularity. We have created a “Demon List” which has been well accepted. For example, corporate jets appear excessive to the proletariat so we whine about corporate jet ownership and blame them for damaging the economy.
PC: Does corporate jet ownership have anything whatsoever to do with economic conditions?
Pres: You are missing the point. Don’t over think this strategy. It’s a lot like ink blot testing, what does this ink blot remind you of? What do corporate jets remind you of? Excessiveness … hello!
Think about it, did Jews really have anything to do with the miserable condition of Germany during Hitler’s rise to power? Of course not, but that did not matter? People ate it up. Give the people an object to blame, tell them you are going to attack that demon for their welfare and they will love you for it. Add a little whining to create the underdog effect (David vs. Goliath) and they love you all the more.
PC: Very smart, implementing historical political strategy in current politics. Will this be enough?
Pres: Another tactic we used somewhat during 08 was the “Hey-Seed” ploy. Talk like the good ole’ boys. I’m out of my element here admittedly. I’m black but I can’t RAP – ha, ha, ha … and hey-seed doesn’t install on the teleprompter either, but for some audiences it works, so we are trying to bump “Hey Seed” up a notch. By the time I face Mitt Romney, who is hopeless at “Hey-Seed”, we should be proficient and be able to smack him down. Did you like that? “Smack him down” would be a hey-seed ploy.
PC: You have a strategy for winning the election but do you have a strategy for fixing the country?
Pres: Again, you miss the point. Winning is the point. We don’t need a plan for running the country. We need to run the country. See what I mean? Getting the right people into the right place is key. We are the right people. As long as we (meaning me mostly) are in charge, everything else will work out.
PC: This has been delightful Mr. President. I hope I have not been too rough on you but our readers require a high level of frankness from our interviews.
Pres: Not at all, I’m accustomed to tough, probing media; it doesn’t phase me.
You have unleashed the new Weapon of Mass Destruction: Directed Whining. First that Dear Odimbo inherited a bad economy from the Bu$hitler, which is incontrovertible. Then he feels bad and will make suggestions. And then, well, you see how clever it is. A true, dedicated Whiner-the-Poo always makes it about himself, and why not? The stars revolve around him.
Never however let this be separated from our central tenet: that the Current Wisdom is NOW. The past doesn't count; the future needn't be planned for, only our desires. And if things go bad, it's not our fault, and Whiner-in-Poo will lead us in such deafening screeds that even David Brock will be embarrassed. If that is possible.
It's a truly glorious future that's approaching, fellow travelers; Next Tuesday is nearly here!!
Whiner's Club! I never enter a television studio without it!