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White House: human-animal splicing will make better humans

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WASHINGTON, DC - President Obama has approved animal-human DNA splicing research today, which he is hoping will ultimately lead to the creation of the New Man, the most equal living creature on the planet fit to live in the progressive society of the future as predicted by Karl Marx.

While other countries are still unsuccessfully attempting to breed the New Man by genetically modifying the human race, Barack Obama, after studying the human genome, has concluded that humans in their existing form lack many necessary qualifications.

Humans, as they exist today, have a number of uncorrectable shortcomings, starting with inefficient warm-blooded bodies that require food, clothes, and shelter, a high-maintenance diet, a breeding partner to procreate and raise offspring, and ending with insufficient number of arms, hands, and fingers, inferior mobility as bipeds, and - most importantly - ridiculously low amounts of blind loyalty and altruism.

To be in the forefront of this new frontier, scientists need to look beyond the human race and engineer the New Man by combining human genes with those of other mammals, birds, insects, crustaceans, and even viruses. While scientists predict that results will vary, political strategists are preparing contingency plans to make sure the public doesn't see anything remotely resembling the scenes from Alien Resurrection.

According to insiders, the experimental stage will include breeding such combination creatures as centaurs, satyrs, griffons, chimeras, and various other big and small anthropomorphic animals.

Making them equal to humans in self-awareness and reason, however, is not enough. They will also need to have souls - which in modern terms means they must be granted legal and human rights by the government, as well as equal protection under the Constitution as U.S. citizens.

The best way to accomplish that, in President Obama's experience, is to create a civil rights crisis: organize media reports about hate crimes and bullying caused by bias and xenophobia, have members of conservative and religious groups issue demeaning remarks and demands to stop the breeding project, stage an avalanche of media articles in support of the "underdog," give a tearful speech to the nation from the Oval Office, and, finally, have paid bloggers popularize YouTube videos with intolerably cute half-human kittens and puppies.

While none of this is out of Obama's sphere of expertise as president and ex-community organizer, time puts limitations on his ambitions. On the one hand, this plan can only succeed while he is still in office, which gives him a year; on the other hand, disclosing his plans prematurely may damage his approval ratings and jeopardize the project.

Experts believe that the best timing to start the new human/animal civil rights movement would be in the third week of July, during the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio.

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I can imagine a mass mailing from Obama's OFA (Organizing For America) sending out emails with pictures of lonely hybrid females asking for support and $3.00 donations.

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Red Square wrote:I can imagine a mass mailing from Obama's OFA (Organizing For America) sending out emails with pictures of lonely hybrid females asking for support and $3.00 donations.

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I wish to volunteer. Please sign me up ASAP.

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Captain Craptek wrote:I wish to volunteer. Please sign me up ASAP.
But when you get to meet them this is what you will most likely see:

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Don't you wish you were like Spiderman? Try not to think about The Fly with Jeff Goldblum.

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Trofim Lysenkovich Snarkovsky wrote:
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old fashioned way not good enough?

What Dear Leader wants, Dear Leader gets. I am not so fortunate to be on the project, but I write what I am told to write.Thank goodness I am not on this project.


Captain Craptek wrote:I wish to volunteer. Please sign me up ASAP.

You horrible, horrible furry sympathizer.

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Let me do the genetic splicing of two People's Cube threads, adding the Heroes thread into the mix. R.I.P. David Bowie - you were ahead of time in all the important issues of today.

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I was going to post a photo of that woman that had all the plastic surgery to make herself look like a cat -- and what she looks like today, now that she's in her seventies...

...but the pix are too horrible. I can't do it. Go Google her. NOT right before dinner.

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hmm, genetic modifications, a better human, a master race...

If it was a good idea, it might have been tried before, no?

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[color=#C0392B]Ivan the Loose Meat Deli Man[/color] reminded me of a job I once had when he wrote: hmm, genetic modifications, a better human, a master race...
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Speaking of modifications...
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The furries would have a decent shot at beating canidates in my opinion.
The exceptions would be in my opinion
Green Party's Jill Stein
and the Republican Party's Carly Fiorina, Rand Paul, and Donald Trump.
The furs could easily beat any of the Democrats, although Bernie Sanders, like in his race against Hillary, might have a shot.

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Comrades, the state announces that it is forbidden to read the thread, "White House: human-animal splicing will make better humans" on Political Forums due to illegal activity.


 
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