WASHINGTON, D.C. -- White House Spokesman Sean Spicer answered CNN's Fareed Zakaria, who was granted special entry for today's news conference after understating his case by calling Donald Trump "a cancer on American Democracy." After some prodding from Marco Rubio waving his hands behind the cameras, Mr. Zakaria raised the problem Donald Trump has not yet resolved: Muslims with small hands.
"Yes, Fareed, we will allow Muslims with small hands to enter the country," Sean Spicer said. "The immigration limits imposed by the president say nothing about small hands, or Muslims, or Muslims with small hands. It is possible, however, that the president will issue another executive order about Muslims with small feet."
After being taunted by reporters from the New York Times and Washington Post, Spicer walked out of the room, but then returned to the podium.
"I want you to understand ladies and gentlemen," said the White House spokesman. "The president has nothing against Muslims with small hands. My hands are more or less average sized," he added, "and I never felt discriminated against because of my hands."
"I understand that there are many snowflakes, I mean, citizens hiding in safe spaces across our great nation who are sitting on their small hands. I am fully aware of how offensive diminutive hands can get. I know that some people who have an abundance of melatonin pigmentation claim that is the reason for their low self-esteem, but it's never been because of their small hands and other small appurtenances."
"Look, I can't help that they've become hysterical thinking that they'll be deported once their small hands are discovered by a Republican with large hands and other large appurtenances," said Spicer. "I want to assure these snowflakes, I mean, whining, delusional psychos, I mean, people, that these rumors are not true, no matter what they have read in the New York Times or seen on CNN or MSNBC."
The spokesman then left the podium, only to call for another news conference ten minutes later.
"I have good news for you," Mr. Spicer said. "Mr. Trump intends to execute on every initiative he promised during the campaign," he said. "Above all, it's the promise to make small hands great again."
The reporters jumped up, waving their small hands for the cameras, hugged each other after the president's capitulation, and erupted in cheers for the first time in full support of the president's new mental health initiative.
People with small hands no longer have to fear being humiliated with wink-winks from people with normal hands, or being deported to Canada with the rest of Hollywood.