MOSCOW -- Following Buzzfeed's "golden showers" exposé regarding president-elect Trump's alleged escapades in a Moscow hotel, Russian president Vladimir Putin held an awards ceremony in the Kremlin, giving golden medals to a group of heroic Russian women who served the Motherland with distinction in the course of this operation.
"Donald Trump has been organizing beauty pageants for years, hanging out with the most beautiful women in the world, who had gone through thorough vetting and medical examination for various transmittable diseases. Why would he leave them for completely unvetted female individuals with a lowered sense of social responsibility and patriotism?" the Russian president said. "Unless, of course, they are our highly trained and thoroughly examined operatives with a heightened sense of social responsibility and patriotism, like this group here."
"People who order this kind of fake reporting and who fabricate lies in politics - they are worse than Russian prostitutes, they have absolutely no moral standards, while our Russian prostitutes are the best and the most moral and socially responsible prostitutes in the world," Vladimir Putin concluded his speech and proceeded to give golden medals to the group of female recipients.
A respectful silence followed, as everyone in the audience pondering the same question, "How does he know?"
The news quickly spread across the ocean and was reported in the American bourgeois press:
Putin: Trump Didn't Meet Russian Prostitutes, But They Are the Best
May come your way
They bring you Med-als
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As proof, here's a picture of them celebrating another coup:
In the past, Secret Service Agents Hired Non-Union Prostitutes. Not anymore!
The president said, "hire American!" So there!
RedDiaperettePardon this most humbly asked question, but ... where does one place one's Union Label so that it can be "looked for" prior to a transaction?