Associated PressScientists to Vie for $25M Climate Prize
MargaretI think what we need to do is kill off as many people as possible... maybe two or three billion for starters. You know its coming to that anyway so I thought I'd be first. Do I get my $25 million now?
Red SquareThe good news is, YES!!! YOU HAVE WON $25 MILLION DOLLARS!!! *ka-ching!*
Chairman M. S. PunchenkoI'm confused and require a prolier being to explain this to me.
O'BrienThe Party faithful will of course be given the appropriate cave space that is due their rank and shall be spared from the misery of the transition, for we will need to be around to keep some semblance of society after the dust settles.
Chairman MeowThe Party is currently fabricating the needed computer generated models (with numbers!) to take down the scourge of Big Soda Pop™.
O'BrienSo now we must fabricate the lies about how we The Party elite must unfortunately have the jets and limos and things...
MargaretMister O'Brien sir, we don't deal in lies. This is one of the most deadly serious issues of our time. Coca Cola and Pepsi are getting away with murder.
France Tells U.S. To Sign Climate Pacts or Face TaxHe [Jacques Chirac] said that he welcomed last week’s State of the Union address in which President Bush described climate change as a “serious challenge” and acknowledged that a growing number of American politicians now favor emissions cuts.
O'BrienYes!! Breathing has got to be the number one producer of CO2 in the world!
O'BrienBreathing has got to be the number one producer of CO2 in the world! Comrades we must start a campaign to either get everyone to stop breathing in the name of the planet or to wear heavy bulky cumbersome filtration units similar to the ones we require coal burning power plants to use!
Sister Massively OpiatedActually... and please don't ask how I know this... the effects of oxygen breathing life forms putting out CO2 as a result of breathing is cancelled out somewhat by CO2 breathing life forms - there is a net decrease... However, because flatus is similar among all life forms whether they breathe O2 or CO2, there is a net increase because there is no cancelling effect... so... the carbon culprit your lookin' for is farts...
Sister Massively Opiatedoh... wait... life on earth is carbon-based... Crap, crap, crap (no... I'm not saying crap is the problem)... Oh well... back to the drawing board!
Chairman M. S. PunchenkoNO BLOOD FOR HYDRATES, THE WORLD IS WATCHING! DRAIN THE OCEAN NOW, END GLOBAL WARMING!
O'BrienMore solutions to the Imminent Global Warming Doomsday Catastrophic Event Just Around The Corner (IGWDCEJATC)! This one is kind of killing two birds with one stone kind of thing. The answer:
Before the sky fell, SMOOw... hey... HEY! Something wet just fell on me.... Some-thing wet just fell and HIT me... THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLI..... <hisssss.... transmission ends... >.
Chairman M. S. PunchenkoUgh... I'm sick... <sneeze><cough><cough> Ugh.... I found this little gem on Macy's website to keep you warm this Ice-Age, SMO... It's for men but I'm sure you could make use of it (the comment below is pretty funny).
Sister Massively Opiated
Quote:Looks like we got our Red The Progressive Hedgehog, Kommissar of Wildlife and Robotics. I didn't know he was moonlighting for Macy's. One might almost conclude that the ration coupons we so generously give him are not enough to support this comrade's lifestyle.
RedtheProgressiveHedgehogit is true that the ration coupons are not supporting me anymore.
Laika the Space DogIt's the year 2061...
Red SquareLooks like we got our Red The Progressive Hedgehog, Kommissar of Wildlife and Robotics. I didn't know he was moonlighting for Macy's. One might almost conclude that the ration coupons we so generously give him are not enough to support this comrade's lifestyle.
Laika the Space DogThey're People!
Chairman M. S. PunchenkoDr. P and I will be attending New York Fashion Week soon, we plan to shake down the whole Progressive Elite Community while viewing the nations top rag makers. We also plan on unionizing the models there... that is after we get them drunk and, uhhh, well you know.
O'BrienAnd your blizzard SMO, we experienced a similar snow storm here in the Peoples State of Illinois, it's because of global warming! Yes! Global warming is causing sub zero temperatures and snow and ice and all things cold! I have proof! See it's all hot and stuff around the equator right, getting hotter and hotter and hotter cause of global warming. So as we all know hot air rises right? Where where does the air come from to replace the air that is rising? From north of the equator (or south)! It sucks all the cold air from the poles to replace all the warm air that is rising and thus making everything cold and snowy and blizzardy and stuff! Damn you global warming for cooling everything off! *shakes fist at random objects*
Dr. W. S. PalimpsestStand and deliver,
My dearest friend Dr. PBTW, Punchy, ole pal, which Hollywood tool is loaning us his/her jet for this year's festivities?
Sister Massively OpiatedAHHH... Does this mean The Chairman and Dr. P will be needing your Highwaymen outfits cleaned? Dr. P! You are very difficult to find "hosiery" for, given your height... and will have to be digging for black powder and musket balls... damn! Why can't you give a dolphin a little more notice!!!
Sister Massively OpiatedPlease let me know what type of plumage is for going on funny Britisher hats. May I also suggest plain black masks this time, as you look silly in Mardi Gras fifi things and no models on catwalk will 'show you their tits' in return for beads, during fashion week... I promise...
Chairman M. S. PunchenkoP.S SMO - Make sure my ruffle pirate shirt is dry-cleaned, I wish to impress Calvin and Tommy this year (I know those bastards will seat Dr. P and I next to them AGAIN - they always do!) Oh, pick up my tiger print Ushanka too, you know, the one with the ivory elephant tusk sticking out.
Dr. W. S. PalimpsestSorry, SMO, but redistribution duty calls. Yes, we'll be needing our "dandy" highwaymen outfits pressed to perfection so that we can look "flash" and grab our quarry's attention! <The devil take your stereo and your record collection> Err, pardon that last bit.
Dr. W. S. PalimpsestIn addition to powder and ball, we'll also require some new flints -- you remember how the Chairman's pistol misfired on our last outing and we almost made damned fools of ourselves. Blasted cheap N. Korean flints!
Dr. W. S. PalimpsestAs for the plumage, it's got to be ostrich feather and I agree with your suggestion of going with "plain black masks". I guess the foppish chartreuse and gold disguise that I wore last time didn't quite inspire the requisite dread in our kulak prey.
Chairman M. S. PunchenkoThat whole pistol misfiring was particularly embarrassing, that is until the projectile hit Commissar Roscoe in the face (which made it most amusing)
Chairman M. S. PunchenkoI know how you like to hob-nob with the super rich and famous. If you come I will buy you a very cheap second-hand Hello-Kitty sketch book so you can draw all the latest rag styles. Your Uncle Ka-Ching told me how much you like to be around the well-to-do coked up people of alternative life-styles and how much you enjoy hitting up the night scene with this years "it girl" (although I think Paris Hilton is still in the headlines, or on the cover of some raunchy tabloid). Just be sure to let us know so we can give you a private room on the jet so that we can keep you away from the scantily-clad models in the orgy room (I wouldn't want you to become corrupted on account of Dr. P and I - that is until you are fully programmed by the media to become a coke whore... and when I say coke you know I mean fairy dust and not the dreaded soda-pop which is destroying the youth).
O'BrienComrade! Is that CO2 bubbling up out of that pool?
Chairman M. S. PunchenkoThat whole pistol misfiring was particularly embarrassing, that is until the projectile hit Commissar Roscoe in the face (which made it most amusing). Of course he suffered in agonizing pain and had to wear metal nose piece for the rest of his days, or should I say until he was shipped out to Siberia for the whole Taurus incident...
SMO: People's Arbiter ElegantiaeDr. P... you will find an Adam Ant compilation disk in your carry on... please do not work yourself up too soon...
Dr. W. S. Palimpsest
SMO: People's Arbiter ElegantiaeDr. P... you will find an Adam Ant compilation disk in your carry on... please do not work yourself up too soon...
Sister Massively OpiatedGreat Uncle Nikita's Shoe!
Dr. W. S. PalimpsestSMOAE: Of course it's not a thoughtcrime: it's the will of The Party.
Sister Massively OpiatedTo lift people out of their ditches for even a second risks that they will see over the edge, and the precipitous drop back into reality from such heady heights of bourgeoise opulance will certainly crush their spirits, and hinder the cause.
Red Square"Because, my dear son, this asshole is our Motherland, and we must always love it and be forever grateful and faithful to it."
Quote:Hey, Progressive Hedgehog. Based on your avatar, you must have connections with Aeroflot. You know, they're phasing out the Tupolev Tu-154-B, the pride of Soviet civil aviation. See if you can get us a deal on one those celestial beauties.
|Commodore Snoogie Woogums||7||2822|
Users browsing this forum: Exabot [Bot], Red Square, Yahoo [Bot] and 73 guests
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'
CIA responds to Democrat calls for transparency by releasing the director's cut of The Making Of Obama's Birth Certificate
Obama: 'If I had a city, it would look like Ferguson'
Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson (hic), it would look like a city'
Obama signs executive order renaming 'looters' to 'undocumented shoppers'
Ethicists agree: two wrongs do make a right so long as Bush did it first
The aftermath of the 'War on Women 2014' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of broken and disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office
White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders
Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time
Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy
Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents
Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences
Study: crony capitalism is to the free market what the Westboro Baptist Church is to Christianity
Fun facts about world languages: the Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow
African countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is so incompetent, it scares us"
Nobel Peace Prize controversy: Hillary not nominated despite having done even less than Obama to deserve it
Obama: 'Ebola is the JV of viruses'
BREAKING: Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama
Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free
Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness
President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser
Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members
White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos
Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency
Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"
Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids
Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution
"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
It's Big Fur Hat
The Fine Report
Sad Hill News
Looking at the Left
Red Planet Cartoons
Death By 1000 Papercuts