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SeaWorld unveils plans for new Seatopia marine habitat

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Under intense pressure from animal rights groups, Sea World acknowledged today that it will be ending the Killer Whale, or Orca, shows that have delighted and educated millions over the past 50 years. As part of the announcement Joel Manby, SeaWorld's president and CEO, also introduced plans for an ambitious new exhibit tentatively named “Seatopia.”

“While everyone here at SeaWorld is proud of the good work we've done over the years, we've come to realize the cruelty of keeping magnificent mammals like Orcas in captivity” said Manby. “That is why we have decided to immediately replace our entire Orlando park with a 160-acre, 100-foot deep ocean simulator.”

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“The orca shows drew millions of devoted fans over the years, and that allowed us to rescue and rehabilitate countless marine creatures. But humanity is wiser now, and while few of our specimens are capable of surviving in the open ocean, we feel that building a single massive tank to house all of exhibits is the most humane option available.”

Plans show that Seatopia will be an entirely self-contained habitat, with areas that can support coral reefs, sea grasses, and varying sizes of aquatic life from plankton to Orcas.

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“There will be no human interaction with the animals at all, other than routine maintenance of the attraction,” said Manby.

“I think this will satisfy our critics, and we expect that our fans will love seeing how their favorite animals from “Empire of the Penguin” to “Shark Encounter” to the "Dolphin Nursery” interact and frolic with each other as they would in the wild.”

SeaWorld intends to devote the remaining 40 acres of its current facility to restrooms, concessions and souvenirs, as well as a new viewing area on the perimeter of the tank that SeaWorld team members have affectionately dubbed “the Colosseum.”


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The product of harmonious coexistence and interbreeding of species in a progressive Seatopia:

THE KILLER PENGUIN.

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Newsreel from the ministry - Seaworld will become a zoo where Newly Immigrated Comrades can look at the former "white middle class":

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How dare humanity think they can remove these peaceful creatures from their hostile, short, unforgiving lives and turn them into celebrities with world-class accommodation and medical care.

As the saying goes, "You can take the Orca out of the Arctic, but you can't take the environmental temperature regulation, water purity monitors, scheduled feeding times, and adoring fans into it."

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I was envisioning Sea World equipment digging a pit in the ground with a Shamu laying at the bottom, but I couldn't figure out how to do it. These graphics are hilarious though, especially that magnificent pengwhale.

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While you're there don't forget to sign up for the Pray You're Not Prey Interactive Experience.

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Biff Henderson wrote:
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While you're there don't forget to sign up for the Pray You're Not Prey Interactive Experience.

Is this the cult of the sharks?

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Hammer and Loupe wrote: Is this the cult of the sharks?
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This is the only thing I am aware of that is stinking up the airwaves with a large, cult-like following. Steer clear of the bubbleheads.Edit: The Shart Tank - every attraction needs a catchy moniker.


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Minitrue wrote:Newsreel from the ministry - Seaworld will become a zoo where Newly Immigrated Comrades can look at the former "white middle class":
Will there be a worst of creatures exhibit that uses Muslim science to explain how Jewfish secretly control the oceans?

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Orcas, or "Killer Whales", are not, in fact, whales. They are what is known as false whales, and are actually the largest species of dolphin. SeaWorld may believe they are 'decommissioning' their current orca attractions, and replacing them with more natural habitats, but we have been in secret negotiations to have them join our beloved Peoples' Cube, under the auspices of The Cetacean Arm of the Sentient Non-Human Peoples' Cube. It is my hope that when they mysteriously disappear from their so-called Aqua-Amusement Parks world-wide, that all of the Cube's hairless finger-monkeys as well as all other non-human sentient persons will make them as welcome as we were made when we were brought into the loving but strict bosom of our beloved Mother Cube. We are already in talks to discuss what roll they will play in our shared endeavors.

Sister Massively Opiated,
Kommissar of Housekeeping, Pod Matriarch

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Dear Comrade SMO! I have a question to one of your multiple personalities that self-identifies as a weaponized dolphin. I'm trying to visualize "The Cetacean Arm" but I can't seem to wrap my brain around it. Will you help?

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Biff Henderson wrote:
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While you're there don't forget to sign up for the Pray You're Not Prey Interactive Experience.

And if you don't like muckin' about with sharks, you can sign up for our Get Bored of Waterboarding Experience! Isn't as interactive, but ten out of ten Proles say it was definitely more intense!

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Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
And if you don't like muckin' about with sharks, you can sign up for our Get Bored of Waterboarding Experience! Isn't as interactive, but ten out of ten Proles say it was definitely more intense!
By Lenin's Beard, that's
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Red Square wrote:Dear Comrade SMO! I have a question to one of your multiple personalities that self-identifies as a weaponized dolphin. I'm trying to visualize "The Cetacean Arm" but I can't seem to wrap my brain around it. Will you help?
Beloved and Wise Incarnadine Trapezoid Leader,

I was speaking metaphorically, but it brings up a good point. As I mentioned in a recent post, we do sometimes struggle to get things done, like wrapping gifts... "Just put your flipper there, on that knot, and hold it tight."... Can be quite a bitch. But really, if I can be... "a weaponized dolphin," as you put it, then why not tools that act as... I dunno... prosthetic finger-monkey-like arms and hands. Besides, has the pod ever let you down?

That said, please don't give it a second thought, never mind mentioning my other personalities. I've worked very very hard to subsume the others into this highly functional and, both physically and verbally, respectably articulate dolphin... and what's next? Outing Comrade Squirrel Craptek? You never questioned Pupovich's persona. I'm getting a distinct Doggist vibe, but really, I know you're just freaked out by my zipper like teeth... You've said as much, which is why we so rarely post pictures of the pod anymore. We are so happy in our work, we cannot help but smile, and whistle. And so our teeth are often on display, though we try to keep our mouths shut for pictures now that we know how disturbing you find our dentition.

Faithfully,
SMO

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Oprah receives the Biff Henderson Humongous Medal from Dear Leader
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Ben was awarded a lesser medal...
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You know you want it...
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Comrade Putout wrote:.
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You know you want it...
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Comrade Putout,

You tempt and tease and aim to please but at the risk of having my chalk privileges revoked I must loudly protest that humbly decline as there's no way in Gaia's fouled orb I'd allow my backside to be that close to I am unworthy of being ‘honored' by Dear Leader. On the practical side, unlike Okra (May her trough overflow with bounty), this simple prole has no need for a lunch bucket on a rope. The Collective™ decides provides. Speaking of trinkets, have you seen the latest offering in the People's™ gift shop?
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You know you want it...


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Comrade Putout,

If you think for one second that enticing dreamscapes and the lure of celebrity will dissuade me fromhold that thought…when I think of all the times a rash decision hampered what was best for the Children™…well, it leaves this old pioneer felling sickened and ashamed at the thought of erroneous predilections coming before the needs of the masses. I'm going to have to cut this short because of a rash decision to trade a goodly portion of my computer access allotment for some slightly off potato scraps (It's not often you can get your hands on any with a recognizable surface texture). Well, there's mash to brew so I'll be off until I have time to chat with you again.

Collectively™ Yours,
Comrade Biff

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It seems that our very own Captain Craptek has been moonlighting at various animal action shows as a snake tamer.

I wonder if it can be called animal abuse if the abuser is also an animal? Especially if it contains certain progressive homoerotic connotations?

If it is not animal abuse, we would like Captain Craptek to do a show for our kollektive free of charge, in the spirit of economic equality and justice.

If it is animal abuse, we would like Captain Craptek to perform for our kollektive, free of charge, every Tuesday - in punishment.

We'll call it "Raising awareness about Snake Abuse Show" and collect entrance fee, with proceeds going to raising all kinds of awareness about all kinds of issues.

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Glorious Incarnadine Trapezoid,

I believe that in this instance, our brave Comrade Captain Craptek, is in fact what those in the business would call an 'animal wrangler'. Not only that, for a Squirrel, given his size, he has shown great courage in subduing a dangerous and venomous reptile.

While I am known for my work related to non-human sentient persons' rights, I do not believe that most modern reptiles alive today (as opposed to those alive during the Mesozoic Era, during which time there may have been many dinosaur reptiles that met the standard for sentience), in general, meet the standard for 'sentient'. Crocodilian species, in general, make devoted mothers, but snakes do not possess mirror neurons, which are the sine qua non for both a theory of mind, and the ability to experience empathy (although biologically, empathy is not synonymous with altruism). As such, snakes, whether water or land snakes, are dangerous predators in the wrong environment, and just as on a plane, if we were to have them loose in the Cube, which has such tight security as to be considered practically hermetically sealed, and whose location is not only hidden but constantly moving, due to our patented and proprietary technology of Next Tuesday™, it could be tremendously disastrous, not to mention, a great tragedy.

But our dear colleague, Captain Craptek, Hero Squirrel, has gone Full Mongoose.. a brave act indeed. I am reminded of the somewhat politically incorrect (in its imperialist overtones), but also inspiring story of Rikki-Tikki-Tavi in The Jungle Book, about an heroic mongoose who saves his human family from a revenge driven and murderous cobra. I believe Comrade Craptek is not abusing this snake, but rather, simply wrangling it for what is actually an animal edukation programme, and in the process, keeping many safe from a marauding venomous... ummm... I can't see the markings clearly, but what I suspect is a either a Crotalus pusillus (Tancitaran dusky rattlesnake... I believe it has a rattle on its tail), or a Crotalus drissus (South American rattlesnake), both of which are pit vipers.

As for doing a show for the Kollective, please let me know what you decide so that I may ensure we have an ample supply of anti-venom on hand, for any Party Members who wish to see our brave comrade in action, For The Children!

Respectfully,
Sister Massively Opiated.

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Red Square wrote:It seems that our very own Captain Craptek has been moonlighting at various animal action shows as a snake tamer.

I wonder if it can be called animal abuse if the abuser is also an animal? Especially if it contains certain progressive homoerotic connotations?

If it is not animal abuse, we would like Captain Craptek to do a show for our kollektive free of charge, in the spirit of economic equality and justice.

If it is animal abuse, we would like Captain Craptek to perform for our kollektive, free of charge, every Tuesday - in punishment.

We'll call it "Raising awareness about Snake Abuse Show" and collect entrance fee, with proceeds going to raising all kinds of awareness about all kinds of issues.


Comrade Director,

I have no idea where you obtained that photo. But believe me, those days are long gone. Here's a more representative snapshot my dad took of me and my friend Jake playing cowboys and indians. That's when we lived in the swamp - a long, long time ago, really.

Comrade Dolphin SMO, (if I may be so bold)

Yes, the snake was a type of rattlesnake but I can't recall which. As you can see, I was somewhat distracted at the time. Sorry, but no more time to talk -

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Goodness Gracious, Comrade Squirrel Craptek!

I've only just realized we have met before. In October of 2004, pre-Katrina, when the Pod was still in servitude to the Amerikkkan Navy, we were dropped into Lake Pontchartrain on maneuvers, when we discovered our orientation gear was malfunctioning. We had to make our way through a number of swamps to get out to sea once again, and along the way, we found ourselves guests of the Family Craptek Reptile Petting Zoo and Snake Charming Show. You did indeed go Full Mongoose, and although we had to pay our entry fee with Pick'n'Mix Trail Mix (which we had also been issued, in error), at the very least we found a good use for it.

The show was quite entertaining, although young Aki had nightmares for some time after being called on from the audience to put his head in an Alligator's mouth.
Best,
Sister

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If Captain Craptek had only provided us with a transparent background copy of this magnificent image of himself riding atop a rattler we could have had a bit of fun at his expense!
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You know you want him...
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It seems that more than one squirrel can ride a 'snake!'
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I had to alter the original image for some of the more delicate comrades here at The Cube
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        Mystery item No. 1

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[color=#C0392B]Sister Massively Opiated may have explained a long standing mystery at the family petting zoo when she[/color] wrote:Goodness Gracious, Comrade Squirrel Craptek!

I've only just realized we have met before. In October of 2004, pre-Katrina, when the Pod was still in servitude to the Amerikkkan Navy, we were dropped into Lake Pontchartrain on maneuvers, when we discovered our orientation gear was malfunctioning. We had to make our way through a number of swamps to get out to sea once again, and along the way, we found ourselves guests of the Family Craptek Reptile Petting Zoo and Snake Charming Show. You did indeed go Full Mongoose, and although we had to pay our entry fee with Pick'n'Mix Trail Mix (which we had also been issued, in error), at the very least we found a good use for it.

The show was quite entertaining, although young Aki had nightmares for some time after being called on from the audience to put his head in an Alligator's mouth.
Best,
Sister

Sister,

Does this little guy look familiar? Hmmmm?

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Just yesterday Madame Blavatsky has predicted an interspecies relationship for SMO - but no one expected this!!!

Mrs. Opiated!!!!

How long were you going to keep this a secret from the kollektive, Sister Dolphin?!

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Red Square wrote:Just yesterday Madame Blavatsky has predicted an interspecies relationship for SMO - but no one expected this!!!

Mrs. Opiated!!!!

How long were you going to keep this a secret from the kollektive, Sister Dolphin?!

I say, embrace her progressiveness. I hope she did consider her female rights to an abortion. Anywho, she does invite more equal rights for all species.


 
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