Commodore Snoogie Woogums
I denounce Groucho Marxist for using sign language emulating the hated Churchill's sign for victory. Everyone knows the proper Marxist sign for victory is the fist-- the same as that used by our union bretheren in Wisconsin (who, of course, don't know that we, the vanguard of the progressive revolution, view unions as useful-idiot organizations whose power we must extinguish as soon as we finish our destruction of capitalism, which the Eminent Red Square made clear in his latest book, "Shakedown Socialism").
I denounce Comrade Toorisky for being too risky. I realise this is such a facile denouncement, but I must use all tactics at my disposal when attempting to contrive a denouncement. I think he is in dire need of a facelife to give him a more progressive appearance. Think of the lovely Auntie Semitic.
I must also denounce Scratchasnith just because he just looks like he needs denouncing. His entire countenance screams, "Please denounce me." He looks like a cross between Charles Manson and our heroic comrade, Fidel. Thus, he may recklessly (though subliminally) cause the critically important "independent" voters to associate our hero, Fidel, with Charles Manson. On the other hand, expressing admiration for the works of Manson's minions doesn't seemed to have impeded Bernadine Dhorn's rise to the top in the circles of most-admired progressive leaders. Perhaps he should keep his unkempt appearance. Maybe some independents will think he's Einstein with his facial expression frozen at the moment he said (about Bob Barker) in his first-consonant-in-pronouns-dropping English, "e equals emcee squared."
I need to also warn each of these three defendants as well as their counsel of the futility of a successful defense of these denouncements and charges: Even after a glorious victory over such charges, it seems that the number, frequency and severity of denouncements and charges thereafter tend to increase exponentially. But, the good thing about that is, of course, that it provides more work for our most loyal constituency: Trial lawyers.
As a defendant, I will admit Comrade Graucho was a little confused for this sitting, he was only supposed to hold up one finger!
I have shocking evidence! Although I don't know whom I will be offering it to. It could support the prosecution or the defense depending on which timeline I pull it from.
As you say, Comrade Tovarichi, the crime of tearing of labels from pillows and bedding mattresses (if one is so well endowed to have one) is a FEDERAL CRIME.
Kagan Gourmet, my glorious, blackened robe, was willed to me by my dearly beloved, deceased Mr. Pulloskies and I will wear it with humble pride as he did, while
persecuting . (*%$#!)...... prosecuting the guilty soon to be found guilty, after their fair trial (unless they can prove they are part of the New Black Pampers Panthers and then ALL charges will be dismissed).
My wiggery NO COCKED EYES.
Colone 7.62. as always you are so clearly clear!
I denounce all this Show
Time Trial. I had not time to get my popcorn beetcorn!
Hoarding cheese!? Abusing the mice they probably stole it from and then profiting from said stolen cheese!!? Them's hangin' offenses!
As for the pillow thing, I've always had a beef with those pesky pillow tags myself... I'd never rip one off though... after all, it clearly say's not to...
I must sip of the beet vodka Comrade Rooster smuggled to my house via UPS and ponder these crimes...
Comrade Colonel's system,
If you are not guilty, you would not have been charged, the fact you are in this courtroom proves guilt beyond even a penumbra of guilt!
Against this evidence, there is no defense, guilty as charged, NEXT!
Of course you are not on trial, I was really trying to explain your expedited system of justice. You even make Joseph Stalin look inefficient!
The comment is a tribute to your justical efficiency, devotion to duty,
and Stakhanovite productivity!
I Denounce All Three Of These Criminals Against Peace And Justice!
(And If (If - Well, of course I mean When) these
bourgeois rats mice are found guilty, is it not within the power of the Peoples Court to order that I My Office take possession of their Home Theater systems televisions video propaganda information devices for the Good Of My Peoples Living Collective?)
I guess the only 5th being taken here is by our attorney and that's with our former vodka rations. This should be an entertaining show trial.
WHERE are the defense lawyers for these three gulity bastards? Plotting with the prosecutor? Of course, to be fair, in our Progressive emulation of show-trials perfected by our dearly departed leaders Stalin and Mao, it is the job of defense counsel to plot with the prosecutor the conduct of a show trial culminating with the guilty defendants confessing guilt and then snivelling for mercy, but really, when are they going to get started?
Does that mean that it may fall upon my narrow shoulders the task of defending these patently guilty defendants? Should KOOK-- the Outer Party misfit inside the Inner Party-- undertake this task? What of the fact that I've already pronounced them guilty? Well, that just means that my winning acquittals of all of them will merely add to my legendary skills as a lawyer. Not a bad idea-- Procure acquittals of obviously guilty defendants. Sounds very progressive to me. Just think of Hinkley being acquitted of his attempt to assassinate RayGun ("Reagan" for those outside Berkley). These three defendants seem just as crazy to me as did Hinkley, who I understand now is "living large" (according to the hated Fox News).
I shall politely wait a respectable time for the duly appointed defense counsel to appear. However, my patience is not infinite.
Part of my strategy would be, of course, to make sure that I, and each of the defendants always look only and directly into the wise eyes of Judge Pulloskies and not allow our focus to ever be elsewhere. I have no doubt that such tactic would immeasurably contribute to the chances of acquittal. (Now if Kagan were the judge, I have no doubt that it would benefit the clients for them to make sure she sees them looking where she invites their attention.)
I shall be watching.
I denounce ham radio transmissions. *turns off radio, hides antenna* Or do I? *hides amplifier* Anyway, I have a large collection of mattress tags from several different dimensions torn off by several different people. Who wishes only the tags from the guilty err defendants, and who wishes the ones from the Fraulein?
I too am wondering where the defense attorneys (Reiuxcat and Chedoh) are. As bailiff I'm standing by to examine any bribes and other exculpatory evidence they may have to offer. Frankly I'm getting a bit peckish and was hoping to sample some of these cheeses for freshness.
Comrade Bailiff Whoopie.
If you will look in the wormhole that just opened under your chair, you'll find it connects to the defense attorney's office. Specifically where the cheese is stored. Would you like some crackers?
Comrades, I offer services as expert witness for flimsy defense or States prosecution. My memory of happenings gets better with more money and vodka. A couple of beets and a potato, I'll swear you were somewhere else. Enough money for new shovel, I'll find passport stamp for country you'd like to have been in. Flip side--> enough money, beets AND vodka, and I'll swear I saw accused with Wisconsin Cheese crumbs in thier beards at the scene...
If needed, I'll be in the line at bakery, the state released spring flour ration on Sunday...
Thank you for your kind offer although I am completely certain there will be no lack of character witnesses in this
Also be advised that befriending one of us or offering to testify on our behalf could accidently cause you to be the benefactor of some rogue gunfire when our
current sentences are revealed announced determined.
Since an interim lawyer may be better than no lawyer until the real defense lawyers show up, I offer argument on behalf of these defendants:
First, just a glance at Comrade Scratchasnitch makes it self-evident without the need of any expert psychiatric evidence that he is utterly insane. Just have him spend some time in the Gulag with me benefitting from the psychiatric counseling I regularly receive. I'll even lend him my straight-jacket. I think his appearance alone provides an air-tight insanity defense.
Second, I think Toorisky is equally entitled to the insanity defense as a matter of law for the same reasons I've already stated for Scratchasnitch. Likewise, I would recommend the same remedial treatment for him as recommended above for Scratchasnitch.
But Groucho Marxist is another matter. He is obviously NOT insane. I'll need more time to contrive a defense for him. Be back later.
Govt Cheese Hoarding, Mice abuse, Tearing "Do not Remove Labels" from pillows, Opening a Cheese Stand for Profit, and in the case of Groucho and Scratchy, Bad Beard Grooming.
I thought they ran up their OPM govt credit card!
Anytime a loose comradista wants to step foward and take the blame is fine with me.
Thank you for the use of your razor Reiuxcat. I almost missed it in the cake you sent from your law firm.
Thank you for cleaning up "criminal against the state".
I hear it's most painful when the hemp rope gets caught in one's beard.
Well, Fraulein was complaining of carpet burns too.
Comrade Buffoon, it seems that the photograph you introduced into evidence tends to exhonorate comrade Scratchanitch. Observe, the Tokarov is held in the comrade's LEFT hand, as is proper. It appears that the mouse has attacked the comrade's Cuban Cigar held in his right hand. The photograph appears to show a proper execution of a reactionary anti-revolutionary rodent. HOWEVER, comrade Scratchanitch has committed the capital offense of wearing a UT sweatshirt. Any prog worth his salt would be wearing sweatshirt from Oklahoma, after all, their colors are red and white (well, crimson and cream, which is good enough for government and SEIU work).
Bah! I still have some prowling to do this evening and a long day of napping ahead of me. I shall return later.
And someone let me know when the poker game is tonight, I just happen to have received some spare cash to play with.
Commodore Snoogie Woogums
It's good to know that in our glorious system that justice is still either blind or soon will be.
I was always told in collective pre school that it wasn't moonshine that caused blindness. But enough of that, after I shave this hair off my palms, I'm get me some mouse jerky and government cheese.
Comrade Reiuxcat, I am unclear. Are you saying your clients are guilty or not proven innocent? We need to keep this thing moving along . . . things to do . . . people to see . . . vodka is getting hot.
Not just moonshine, dear Colonel 7.62 but . . . . . . umm, but I digress. 'Get those palms shaved and get involved', as Michael Moore always says.
I am confused by the term "show trial". Whom has to show what? Is it like a peep show? Are there not venues available other than a court room?
Is it similar to all show you mine, if you show me yours? Were names drawn out of the hat or was it a random computer survey?
I have never been formally served, please serve me another vodka.
Your Honorable Comrade Colonel Frau, of course we know the defendants are guilty, but we must put forth an effort to "show" how fair we are with the accused before sentenceing and execution.
Tooorisky, (wow, I get it now, 2 risky) Making fun of snoogie again? Cause that what he sounds like after an hour of pounding Saki. "two riskies please". But I digress.
Tooorisky, I have tried to work with you before. If you don't know what a show trial is, review the Scooter Libbey transcripts. (While there is the slightest remote chance, and not because of anything I intend to do on your behalf, you could not be involved, you'll be asked so many questions over and over we know we'll catch you in a perjury.)
iwould habe somethinh toadd but i"M laughing too harf.
(drinkimg too mych too)
Mos grsious of yuo Frau Jugds. I"ll ve ober ass soom as I finh my car kys. Oops...ok I fond the floor, thos keyz mus be her somwere.
Do we have "court appointed lawyers", or volunteer Lawers?
Both groups speak with a forked tongue, one is paid, one is not.
The decision has already been made, why stand on formalities?
If you want me bad enough, you can get to me. The only question is how many of you I will take out in the process.This is not a threat, but a fact, Father Prog and I had a lively discussion on this same topic some time ago! I do not want to see anyone else hurt over this, except outsiders who volunteer to be on the arrest team. The good times roll when you enter the "fun zone".
A show trial with drinking...and no one invited me? Judge FP, I'm disappointed.
Can we drink at the executions?
"I denounce Comrade Grigori for sucking up to the Judge while making no sense! AT ALL!"
Comrade Buffoon, Oh ye of the sly boot. You know exactly what I was doing. I was merely following the new rules of kinetic engagement*. I was trying to help the Gouda Three and at the same time presenting my mouse jerky evidence to hang them. It's a total win-win for me either way.
*Dear Leader Obama's methods are often beyond the comprehension of mere mortals.
Are we ready to party yet?
Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна
Hey, come on, we came here for a show trial! Let's get the SHOW on the ROAD, peoples!!! We all know that the criminals all signed written confession of their counterrevolutionary, cheese hoarding ways. We want to hear those confessions read by the sneaky little stilton stacking, cheddar chest-ing, havarti hiding scoundrels....where did they find havarti in the Peoples' Republic anyway? Come on, the popcorn is getting stale.
Thank you for your support and advice. However the second word I was unable to hear. See, I have this "Trick Ear" just like Jimmy Stewart in that great classic film, "It's a Wonderful Gulag". Can you slip me a note?
Commodore Snoogie Woogums
ASPIRIN, I NEED ASPIRIN!!!!!
Good Stalin, what was in that wine that the Frau and I shared, and what are these feathers doing in places on my body that mother nature had deemed no feathers should ever go there? Though I must confess I seem to remember something about Barry Manilow and the hottest spot north of Havana having something to do with it.
Just a moment while I slug a few aspirins down and clear my head. Ahh, better,......oops I seem to have confessed a little about seeing Judge Frau on a little legal matter in her chambers, which speaking of confessions........................................
WHERE ARE THEY? Sheesh, you would think these three could at least blame Bush as the cause for straying away from the party line and starting a cheese biz? I mean after all they where smart enough to almost get away with it until the mice (literally) ratted em out, and they can't figure away to pin it on Faux news instead in their confessions to the court?
Oh and if your confessions are as good as some think you are capable of giving, ones that will bring a tear to the courts eyes, I will "take another for the team" and have another private chambers session with Judge Frau and maybe your sentencing won't involve making sure your organ donation cards are current.
I denounce Comrade Scratchabutt for
always shouting in his posts.
It makes my head hurt.
Gulag 4 Alfred
(o m g, I have a headache and where did all the cat hair come from??!!)
Reiuxcat, my my what lovely kitty plates those are. I would be so honored to obtain some of just that quality, if perchance, you have an extra. (ship them to the same address as you did the vodka).
Upon considering of our profound duties of justice and fair equality (and my preponderance to headaches, which might have something to do with the cheap wine. Who sent me cheap wine?!) I think we should . . . .. . . um, what
was I were we talking about? Well, whatever.
And please, STOP ALL THE SHOUTING.
R.O.C.K. in the USSA
If we're through with this outrage, I must get back to the "People's Business".
Commodore Snoogie Woogums
A most wise and just decision!!!!!!!!!! Why just the cost of trying to rehabilitate them would have cost a fortune. They are sneaky, self centered, demanding and act like permanent spoiled brat 12 year olds who have hissy fits that the real world doesn't operate just to make them happy. In other words perfect progs!!!!!!!
JUSTICE HAS BEEN SERVED.........along with a few slices of smoked cheddar.
Commodore Snoogie Woogums
Why thank Frau for the kind words, ummm, what's this? You want me to see you in your chambers again for another private chat about the case? FRAU!
I'm not the one who needs further punishment it was those three and you found em not guilty Where's my wine, where's my wine.
Shovel 4 U
Congratulations to Groucho Marxist, Toorisky & Scratchasnitch on your acquittals. You're fortunate in at least two respects: First, you rejected my advice to plead guilty (or plead insanity) and throw yourselves on the mercy of the court; Second, as is often said among lawyers, you managed to catch Judge Pulloskies on one of her (rare) good days.
I remember well having pled guilty and begged for mercy. My perpetual punishment has been wearing this straight-jacket and spending virtually all my time in the Gulag. Come to visit me when you have nothing better to do.
uh humm, cough, well Comrade Scratchanitch,
Iwe are pleased to see your Progressive Attitude of Secretiveness for Later Blackmail Disclosure ™ . This is numero one from our Democratic leaders, is it not. Wear being continually arrest with humble pride!
Commodore Snoogie, our 'little meeting' is to discuss the proceeding procedures. (wine is still behind the toaster where
it fell you left it)
Shovel, I feel your pain. Well, OK, not really, I know the torture chamber was more 'interesting' than I would care to know about.. I was wanting to see a good execution as well, but I am sure a guilty reichwinger will pass through here, sooner or later. Hang on to those bullets!
Yes, Kook, we are heard your begging, throughout the gulag for, what was it, 6.. 7 days? (oh, the screaming. sooo annoying)
Sorry comrades, I just woke up from a few days of going over the evidence of their vodka hoarding. Head is killing me, but I am glad to say we can now add to the charges. Or did we execute them already?