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Solving the Collective Healthcare Crisis

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Comrades! While everybody else is on the denunciation bandwagon, a most serious matter has come to my attention, and that is that we must move quickly to collectivize health care on the Cube or we may never recover. In other words, we could all die unless immediate action is taken. It is absolutely imperative, therefore, that I appoint myself Komissar of Cubist Health while there's still hope left. I am eminently qualified for the position, and my resume is most impressive:

  • Four time recipient of Hero of Cubist Labor
  • Silver Shovel with oak leaf cluster
  • I have no medical background
  • I have never paid taxes

The approach to Healthcare™ on the collective will be strictly Darwinian and therefore infallibly scientific. Remember, if you doubt Darwin, Richard Dawkins says you're stupid, so there. This of course means our system will be geared to expedite the survival of the correctest which means health care must be rationed out carefully to propagate good genes, and to ensure that people we don't like drop dead critical cases are properly cared for in due time. Healthcare™ will be prioritized in the following scientific manner:

  • Red Square (with guaranteed embalming in a glass case)
  • Inner Party Members (with guaranteed bronze statues)
  • New Members to the Collective
  • Useful Idiots
  • Useless Idiots
  • Republicans
  • People Who Entertain Unauthorized Thoughts (duly stripped of their freethinker status)
  • Rush Limbaugh

Time is of the essence, comrades. So stop denouncing each other and start appointing yourselves to the various departments which urgently need funding for new wallpaper and other medical technologies such as, but obviously not limited to…
  • Mental Health and Reeducation
  • Physical Health (think of proles who have developed "shovel elbow" and other maladies)
  • Department of People's Learjets and Gulfstreams
  • Beach Inspector
  • 1-900-ENSLAVEME Crisis Hotline
  • Other Necessary Departments for the Children™

Appoints yourselves, comrades, the Collective depends on it (and there's trillions for funding; first come, first serve).

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Comrade Blogunov,
I find your Approach to Healthcaretm most intriguing! I hereby declare myself The CCCP (Colonoscopies Can Cure Productivity) Tzar. A simple butt often neglected proceedure that can cure liberalism non-party approved thought. Yes, most party approved thought eminates (in more ways than one) from the bowel. The colon is the party organ.

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Submit an itemized budget request form; you're first in line.

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Comrade nothing can describe the feeling of pride I get thinking that someday, a pigeon will get to relieve himself on my very own bronze likeness.

I only hope that during the next revolt the proles tear me down, melt me and redistribute the bronze in the form of medals commemorating the event.

Sign me up for coverage.

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Kommisar, I would like to be in charge of the People's Pharmacy and it standards, the USSA Pharmacopeia. I have no medical background, work mostly in the underground economy and I am a former Imperialist with a skill set effective in dealings with dissidents, rethuglicans and so called free-thinkers. I would be honored if you would grant me this request. I'm sure that I could send some eternal bliss your way too.

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Done! Because you have spoken first in requesting this office, your future there will be good. You get to decide who gets what meds when, and who doesn't. Personally, it makes me giddy when proles tearfully beg at my feet for this procedure or that procedure, and I get to laugh, kick them in the face, and tell them to get back in line and wait their turn (again!). What's more, you may imprison all who seek medical treatment independently of our compassionate system, and use them for medical experiments.

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I wish to be appointed комисса́р of Mandatory Abortions for Rethuglicans and Traitors (formerly known as super patriot dissenters before the Glorious People's Revolution of 2008) aka KMART.

My previous experience of killing fruit flies in a high school biology class should translate well into this new position since insects and political dissidents are nearly indistinguishable.

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Thank you Komissar, you will not regret it! Of course you will have first choice of all of the best drugs. Just send me a list and I'll have them delivered to your office immediately. The proles can stand in line at the Peoples Pharmacy, which has been allocated 1 billion in construction funds in the stimulus package.

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Comrade Lysenko, I am deeply concerned about conservatives who typically have large families and engage in despicable practices such as homeschooling. It's certainly time to implement a mandatory abortion policy (for the ChildrenTM) similar to that of our enlightened Chinese comrades. You're in charge.
Also, I will see to it that you have adequate funding so that you have another opportunity to once and for all refute the genetic theories of backward religious fanatics (pardon my redundancy) like Gregor Mendel. Have a go at cross breeding plants and proles and see what happens. We will further proclaim your theories to be dogma by informing others that "the debate is over" and volunteering dissenters for more medical experiments. This is going to be more fun than executions.

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And Comrade RJ, send me a variety pack, and I'll let you know which ones go best with the finest vodka. Oh, my Darwin! This is such an improvement over drinking distilled tractor fuel back on the collective farm. Some days I just love my job.

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Note to Inner Party Members: You are, as ever, completely exempt from the HealthcareTM restrictions you place on others*. You probably knew that, but I just wanted to assure you that your status of greater equality is not threatened by the establishment of this department or any of its policies. In other words, IPMs are grandfathered onto the Castro PlanTM which means you can have doctors flown in from anywhere while the proles wait in line only to be told to get back in line.
*This policy void regarding IPMs who have been denounced and/or declared non-persons, have disappeared and "lost rights of communication", or have been outright executed.

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Komissar, I am having the Timothy Leary collection deliverd to your office today. It's a fine selection of assorted of drugs to make your day a smooth one.


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The UPS truck arrived just when my proles were busily sweeping dust away from the 50' bronze likeness of me that greets you as you begin your way up the 1 1/2 mile drive to my humble 200 room dacha. You very thoughtfully provided a pill for every contingency: depression, compulsive behavior, compulsive behavior, compulsive behavior, and AD- look! A bird! Can't wait to try some combos so I can continue to overhaul our Healthcare™ for the Children™.

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Komissar Blogunov,

Good news Comrade! Your promotion has just been approved. Please, not need to thank us for the thorough and timely processing of your paperwork.

Your certificate appointing you to the high post "Kommissar of Cubist Health" is in the mail.


 
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