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Speaker Nanski Endorses Jiffi-Lobo

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Comrade Nanski Peloski, being her ever-charming and -graceful self, gave a presser in which she stated
"From our perspective we won last night. We had one race that we were engaged in, it was in northern New York, it was a race where a Republican has held the seat since the Civil War."
The Speaker continued, "And let me add one thing. We shall include one more thing in our health-care initiative. One visit a month for every American to Jiffi-Lobo. I find that whenever the responsibilities of office weigh me down, whenever I just think that I can't take one more botox needle, I just trot down to the Jiffi-Lobo on K Street and have a tune up."

Speaker Peloski continued, and referred to a conversation she'd had with Rep. John Murtha. Peloski said, "I didn't know about Jiffi-Lobo until I was talking to John [Murtha]. 'John,' I asked him, 'why is it that you, more than any other Democrat, just don't seem to get hot and bothered?'"

"Nanski," Rep. Murtha said, "Right next to the Dobbs House in John Murtha Airport there is a little jewel called Jiffi-Lobo. While I'm waiting for one of the two flights a day that use my airport--that's the John Murtha Airport, named after me, John Murtha, you know, and paid for by the entire U. S., you know," here John pulled at his crotch, "I just step in and Dr. Frankenfurter takes care of all those pesky little grey cells for me. I don't have a care in the world. Now I admit that my aide has to guide me to the plane, but I know that you of all people know that a sense of direction isn't important to an important Democrat legislator. Why, Dr. Frankenfurter is so good that even if I'm lost in a telephone booth I can still steal the pencils from the blind beggar sitting outside."

Speaker Peloski gasped. "Damn, John, you're good. And what was a blind beggar doing in your taxpayer-supported, entirely uncommercial, burden-on-the-taxpayer airport anyway?"

She continued, "I called on my colleague Jay Rockefeller in the Senate and asked him if he'd used Jiffi-Lobo."

Senator Rockefeller said, "Jiffi-Lobo? Never heard of it."

"It gets rid of all your worries and you never have to worry about believing impossible things any more. You can swallow an amazing amount of bullshit. In fact after I've had a particularly good treatment my aide has to go to the toilet with me to flush after I make a poopie because I want to eat it."

Senator Rockefeller dug for a while in his nose, pulled out something large, stringy and green and red and started to wipe it on his suit. His aide yelled, "Senator! That's the last clean suit that you have! You know what to do."

"Oh. Right." And he put his finger in his mouth and belched. "John," he turned to his aide, I'm not getting enough Vitamin C. Remind me."

"So, Jay," the Speaker went on, "does the Senate have any interesting in putting a Jiffi-Lobo in the Capitol itself for the occasional tune-up?"

Sen. Rockefeller uncrossed his eyes and said, "Jiffi-Lobo? What's that?"

"You know, the brain specialists."

"Never heard of them."

"I just told you about them."

"Sorry, Nansky, I do my best thinking when I'm massaging my brain with my finger in my nose. But I don't hear well. Let me ask Sheets Byrd, if he'll pay attention. He found a box in the attic with his old KKK Grand Kleagle outfit in it and he's been having as much fun as a girl in her prom dress. You ought to see him flash his gams as he hoists that robe up."

Speaker Peloski asked, "Er, you'll get back to me?"

Sen. Rockefeller pulled his finger out of his other nostril and asked, "What's that?"

President Obama, on hearing of the Speaker's remarks, agreed.

"We were very successful on Tuesday. We were paying all of our attention to NY-23 and personally I am not convinced that Virginia is really a state. I mean, I don't fly over it to get to Camp David or Hollywood or to Europe when I go to let them have a look at me and to apologize for America. And people have been telling me about something called New Jersey. It is one of the 56 states? I just can't recall."

The President's TelePrompTer started flashing like a disco strobe light and the President Obama straightened and snapped his head back, waving his arms and saying, "That does not compute! That does not compute! I won a Nobel Peace Prize! That does not compute!"

Rahm Emanuel came running out and held a mirror in front of his face, saying, "Mr. President! Mr. President! Pretty Polly! Who's a pretty boy? Who's a pretty boy?"

President Obama cocked his head to the side and saw his reflection and smiled, reaching for the mirror. Emanuel, using one arrière after the other backed away from the camera. "Who's a pretty boy? Come, Mr. President. Andy Stern, you know, president of SEIU, is in the Oval Office for his twenty-third visit and I promise you no visits with General McChrystal or the Dali Lama. Just our goons. Come, Mr. President! Who's a pretty boy?"

After President Obama left the room, Rahm Emanuel came back and mounted the podium. "The President is unavoidably detained with pressing and secret matters of state. I am in charge now. Wolf, to you goes the honor of being the first one to smell my ass."

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It's about damn time!!!! Comrade Pelosi has been getting Jiffi Lobo'a for years and finally we get an endorsement! When will The Party(TM) ever learn to support the faithful industries of progdom? A Party can not be all things to all peoples, comrades, and the rest will be squeezed introduce to Bi-Patisanship(TM).

Finally your beakyness Nancy Pelosi, FINALLY!!!

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Comrade Theocritus,

This report was of such great importance that I wanted to have all of my faculties about me a fresh Jiffi-Lobo before I read it. Now, I'm ready and refreshed. So, now, let's begin.

Placing Jiffi-Lobo in the health care bill is going to lead to great things. Just think! We will be able to completely outlaw wasteful Kleenex tissues and toilet paper. People will be able to pick their noses and poop with complete abandon. No need to worry about the consequences. We can all walk around with crap in our pants, and even girls who wear thong underwear won't have to worry about the poop staining their outer garments. And, this of course, will lead to Comrade Nanski's ultimate sainthood for carrying out her mission of saving the planet. And Sheryl Crow will be able to make up a new hit song about how she went from one square to none.

Nevertheless, I do so envy those people, like Congressman Murtha, and Senator Rockefeller who don't seem to require so many Jiffi-Lobos as the rest of us. They seem to be able to crap and tax as easily as the O'Parrotness can read the teleprompter.

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Leninka, I think that you've got it. I think that Sheryl Crow ought to dedicate the proceeds of her song "One Square to None" to fuel the Goracle's yacht.

My only worry though is that when my dear prog friends come to the Rancho and shit all over everything, some of them at least pretend to look embarrassed. Now that it's just peachy-keen not to worry about shit and pee and boogers, they won't even bother to blush.

I don't know if I will be able to get Bruno to come from behind the couch.

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Commissar Theocritus,
One of my operatives caught Nansky at that press conference with a high speed camera. She was filming at 150 FPS and I snagged the following clip:

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I was wondering. The last time she was at the Rancho my cats Calvin and Hobbes got a very surprised look on their faces and quit sniffing each other's butts. I suppose that they learned better.

However I do have it on good authority that Nanski and Bonnie Fwank do have a good time sniffing each others' butts, and with Nanski's tongue...

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With Nanski's tongue and Hillary's extra sebum, any member of Congress who gets hemorrhoids will be able to get Nanski/Hillary Option Hemorrhoid Health Care Treatment without hardly having to get up off of their asses.

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Oh, Leninka, I do apologize. I think that I have infected you and this gross streak has run rampant. I'm going over to Dad's house for the usual Sunday dinner, which he fixes for Mark and me. He's 83 and very sharp.

I think that I'll just have to watch them eat chicken and dumplings now.

To settle my stomach I'll look at that picture of Janeane Gawdawfulo, greasy, with red tennis shoes.

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You are correct, Comrade Theocritus. It's all your fault. But, please, just put the weighty matters of state out of your head this afternoon and enjoy the chicken and dumplings.

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Speaking of chicken, dumplings, and weighty matters:


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Or is it just the unflattering camera angle?

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Pinkie, that supposes that there <i>is</i> a flattering camera angle.

Well, if I saw Ducky on <i>NCIS</i> ministering to Nansky on his dissecting table, that would be a flattering angle.


 
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