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Supreme Court Grants Equal Rights to All Americans Except Lonely Singles

In a landmark 5-4 decision today in Obergefell et al. v. Hodges, Director, Ohio Department of Health et al., the United States Supreme Court ruled that all Americans, regardless of sexual orientation, have the constitutional right to marry, but limited the scope of its decision to only Americans with something to offer a partner.

Writing for the majority, Justice Kennedy noted that "by virtue of their exclusion from [the] institution [of marriage], same-sex couples are denied the constellation of benefits that the States have linked to marriage. Today we hold that such benefits may only be denied to pathetic single losers that don't deserve them anyway."

The court concluded that "...the right to marry is a fundamental right inherent in the liberty of the person, and under the Due Process and Equal Protection Clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment couples of the same-sex may not be deprived of that right and that liberty. However, we make clear that this opinion does not award any rights, liberties, or dignity of any kind to pitiful single people that have probably never even had a girlfriend."

This is the door opened, comrades.

Single losers have indeed been granted marriage rights.

It's only a matter of time before one will be allowed to marry his or her hand and obtain all the government benefits that such a marriage will bestow.

This is a victory for all single losers, male or female.

One can now be completely anti-social and benefit entirely from society.

If this is not Next Tuesday™, I'm not sure what day it is.

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:This is the door opened, comrades.

Single losers have indeed been granted marriage rights.

It's only a matter of time before one will be allowed to marry his or her hand and obtain all the government benefits that such a marriage will bestow.

This is a victory for all single losers, male or female.

One can now be completely anti-social and benefit entirely from society.

If this is not Next Tuesday™, I'm not sure what day it is.

*Ahem* Komrade Kapitan, since you seem to be the resident expert on this: can I marry my hand now that all these kinky new laws have been put in? Your mini-article isn't quite clear on this.

I've had a great relationship with my hand...

well, goo'ness gracious, mister supreme court, that there's ayy mighty kind thing y'all done fowr them gay folk, but we single cousins have rights too y'all know? we wan-ta get married ta our hawse owr thay ...uhh pig we want ayy awful big wedding with all thay ...uhh bells ayn' whistles. will comrade obama buy us one frawum his rainy day mowney?

It's Supreme ...

Comrades, then I can petition to marry my dog, horse or cat. In fact why not my car, after all are we not making the act a civil right?

And may I say, that was real 89 percent mostly white of them to do so.

Komrades! I think there must be a clarification of singleness and the lonely loser concept that stigmatizes it. I am one of those singles and am not lonely (okay, I'll admit it, occasionally, I do get lonely. Then I hear some poor bastard's divorce horror story and recover quickly) I have a dog who fervently believes that I am God Himself. And another who thinks I am the miraculous maker of Southern Fried Chicken. And three cats who really don't care what I am as long as I open the door for them.



...As a single (it has occurred to me that I may well be a single malt scotch American too) American it is my hope that the governor of the Great and Sovereign State of Georgia will tell the five black robed tyrants to go pound sand.

Sorry comrades, but your hands and horses will have to wait. Only the queen was captured today, and like hero-turned-traitor Garry Kasparov, attention will now be focused on taking the king. The People's Opiate is the target now, not the People's attractive cousins.

Kommissar Uberdave wrote:I have a dog who fervently believes that I am God Himself.

His name isn't Harvey, is it?

I have a parrot who believes that people are food dispensers put on earth to serve parrots.

43% of the American population believes in Next Tuesday. (By strange coincidence, this is the same percentage that believes in space aliens.)

We have a President who believes he is worthy of the position he holds.

"... the burning glare of a terrible and dark mystical insight filled Cardinal McGavin's soul with terror ... they both couldn't be right, but there was no reason why they both couldn't be wrong."

Norman Spinrad, "No Direction Home"

It is all in the name, Comrades. Call it marriage and behold it is so:

Marriage, marriage, bo-barriage,
Banana-fana fo-farriage,
Fee-fi-mo-marriage,
Marriage!

See how easy that is?

You see, Mrs. Red Square and I belong to different genders, which makes it a mixed marriage. We have been living this unnatural lifestyle for a while now, but despite our obvious anatomical differences, somehow we manage.

So we know what it feels like to be exotic and frowned upon. Now that all the other types of marriage have become mainstream, we'll continue to carry our burden as two mutually attracted but anatomically incompatible beings, patiently waiting for the benevolent SCOTUS to legitimize our unimaginable relationship.

Mixed gender marriage...<shakes head>

What is this kountry coming to?

Turn in your rainbow, Comrade

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