Komrades, we all know about the dirty Russian influence in the election of Donald Trump We all know that Alex Jones, Sargon of Akkad, Milo Yiannopoulos, and all the others are just Russian agents. But, I'm afraid there's one we haven't touched yet. And it goes directly to the top. In fact, it threatens the very foundation of our beloved Kube.
Yes, friends, you all have had the WOOL pulled over your EYES! This very website you're on is a hotbed of Russian influence! Don't believe me? Let's take a look.
From the top, we have a hammer and sickle, a Russian symbol. There is RED everywhere on this website, a RUSSIAN color! Everything is referred to as the "People's" thing, but it ISN'T! It's just like the White House being referred to as The People's House, when it's actually owned by TRUMP. This might be The People's Kube, but the KUBE is ACTUALLY owned by an OLD RUSSIAN DRUNK! More on his seditious, treasonous ass later.
Che, Laika, Lenin, Stalin, Putin, Drive-in, EVERYTHING on this site is RUSSIAN! And if you don't think you're Russian, well I'm sure that the owner of this website has us all on the waiting list to become Russian.
And now, regarding the guy who has all of our email addresses and has sold them down the river to other spy agencies. The first glaring detail on him is that HE IMMIGRATED HERE (or so we're told) FROM RUSSIA! Isn't that enough not to trust him? Although, the Russians lie all the time, I wouldn't be surprised if he just made it up while he was drinking Stolichnaya Potato Label. But, let's assume that he really did immigrate and that he pays tax. That means that he was sent here by PYOOTIN HIMSELF to interfere with our elections and put Trump into office! Don't believe me? Check out this site's twitter: @ThePeoplesCube. TONS of PRO-TRUMP things on there!
BUt, it may not entirely be his fault. According to science from the POOMA* institute, hair loss is a sign of senility. All the recent videos I have seen of him show the top of his head is just like the moon, minus the craters. BUT! This is an even more chilling discovery than if he wasn't senile. That means that PYOOTIN has the capability to deploy THOUSANDS of SENILE RUSSIAN DRUNKS to do his bidding in our formerly safe country.
This all means only one thing: The People's Cube is RUSSIAN, THROUGH AND THROUGH! How was I HOODWINKED into signing up for this website? I should've seen it. "Stalinist version of The Onion" my ass.
In fact, how do I know that the rest of the commentators on this website aren't Russian? Ivan says he's from Texas, how do I know that he isn't from Troitsk!? Genosse says he is from Germany, how do I know he isn't from Georgia? Minitrue says he is from the EU, how do I know he isn't from the RF (Russian Federation)?
How do I know I'M not actually a Russian agent working for Putin? The doublethink has even infected ME! I think I'm an American, how do I know I'm not a Russian?
Obviously, the only solution to this problem is to NUKE this site from ORBIT and to ACCUSE EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY of being RUSSIAN! how do I know this computer I'm typing on isn't Russian? My drink? The chair I'm sitting on? Am I hacking into Russia by using this website? Is Russia hacking ME? Is Russia hacking the NSA hard drive that has all my data?
Is America actually a Russian creation? Was George Washington actually Grigori Cleanski? Was Thomas Paine actually Tomas Hurtki? Was England actually a Russian front for a worldwide Russian conspiracy hatched three centuries ago? Was King George actually Tsar George? Was the Cold War actually a Russian plot to store nuclear arms on another continent?
Bozhe moi, this is all so hard to think about...
*- Pulled Out Of My Ass
Your powers of deduction are approaching those of the elite intelligentsia , as exemplified by such outstanding luminaries as Schumer, Pelosi, Maher or even the commentators at MSNBC ! It isn't inconceivable that you might be a political analyst for the DNC .... then I remembered they fired their entire staff.
Or did they ?
You have been missed, Comrade. Especially since you took your ration card with you in your absence. If you are going to take midnight train rides of unspecified duration, please just leave your ration card in the box at the station, that's what its there for, and it's checked every Tuesday. (they don't accept that card where the train stops...)
Enough chit-chat, there are beets to tend and tractors to mend!
Commissar for the Liquidation of All Enemies of the Proletariat Working Classes, member in good standing- Vanguard of the Dictatorship of the Proletariat Working Classes!
Comrades! Why point out petty traits of our members, we can always denounce them later and then rehabilitate them at our whim! We control the education of the masses and they only believe what we tell them to believe Comrades! "The Revolution"(™) is based on science and the inevitable historical truth of our founders! I may be losing my hair though, my precious bodily fluids must be being hijacked!
In the name of "The Revolution"(™) and the workers of the world Comrades! We march Victory!
(going from bad to worse - some commands come from an enigmatic Товарищ Штирлиц!)
ThePeoplesComradeI was fooled into voting for Trump by a news outlet named "Sputnik". Those Russian are so devious it is scary.
Laika made me do it....
Komissar al-BlogunovWait, is this a warning about the Kube or the Cube?
Both, Komrade Blogunov. Chilling, I know.