Thoughtcrimes and Misdemeanors:
A Thoughtcrime Confession From North Dakota Campus

We regularly receive thoughtcrime confessions from the masses. While some of the workers and peasants may be hardened thoughtcriminals, the majority are those who have accidentally gotten into a mental trap set up for them by capitalist propaganda.

Sometimes the unwashed get drunk and commit various thought misdemeanors simply for the lack of proletarian vigilance - nothing that can't be fixed by a proscribed five-hour session of self-criticism with a shovel on the front lawn of the Party headquarters.

Today we received such a confession. The collective shall choose a proper punishment for this comrade. We just want to remind you once again: all thought crimes are heinous, and the punishment shall be swift but fair!

I recently committed a thought crime by trying to discuss the supposed racism caused by the Fighting Sioux logo at my college, the University of North Dakota.

After my official reprimand by our dept. chair and the subsequent meetings of sensitivity training to all graduate teaching assistants we were reminded that hate speech is bad against certain people. If the speech poisons the campus community, especially those who suffered indignities from a generation long since gone, then it must be wrong and therefore silenced.

After the meeting, they handed us this flier to remind us of the errors of our ways, how wrong we are and that political discourse is a bad thing unless you're bashing the right kind of views.

Tim Rodenberger
University of North Dakota
Grand Forks Campus

There is only ONE solution for the masses, outside the Party inner circle, so they may evade thought crimes: Stop thinking!

Once good leftists embrace "stopthink", they will become wonderful progressives with heads full of mush... I mean malleable clay (shaped by the Party only of course). These "Stopthink Pregressives", or "Useful Idiots" as dear Lenin called them, will not question flip-flops; junk science claims (Global Cooling followed by Global Warming, followed by Global Cooling....); hypocritical position changes (separation of Church and state/total exclusion/persecution for the Christians and Jewish Religions but bending over backwards to appease the Islamic Religion/Political system); abandoning of long-held positions in total (Militant Feminism in the 70s-90s abandoned after 9-11-01 so as to not offend our Jihadist ROP(tm) brethren); and the constant re-write of history required to keep the Glories of Socialism afloat.

Thus, "stopthink" is the ONLY proven method for leftists to rid themselves of the possibility of Thought Crime!!

After a while, I learned that the best thing to do is to remain completely anonymous and make fun of the schools behind their backs. After all, They never taught me anything I couldn't have learned from T.V. or videogames.

I would like to suggest that we all join the 22nd American Muslim Day parade, I feel that this is exactly what we all need to cleanse are minds of hate. We all know that Allah is the MOST merciful and the MOST kind.

Red Square wrote:<p class="maintitle"> Thoughtcrimes and Misdemeanors:
A Thoughtcrime Confession From North Dakota Campus</p><i>We regularly receive thoughtcrime confessions from the masses. While some of the workers and peasants may be hardened thought criminals, the majority are those who have accidentally gotten into a mental trap set up for them by capitalist propaganda. </i></p>

Dear Red Square,
ALL RIGHT!!! I CONFESS!!! And I did not fall into the trap of Thoughtcrimes accidentally... Forgive me... PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!! I actually went looking for information on The Fighting Sioux and their Logo, and The University of North Dakota in an ill-advised effort to (I am so ashamed)... to better understand the issue... I am a Thoughtcrimal of the worst order as I should have understood that there is no issue, since the Cube processes and provides me with all the information and understanding I will ever require... it was only my selfish curiosity that got me here... If this dolphin had hair, I would be pulling it from my melon in finfuls... If I had fists and hands, I would be beating them against the ground and dashing ashes on my head in mourning for my good standing in the Party... but alas - my fins only kick up the dust... my flukes only disturb the good people's earth on which I am not fit to swim...

Red Square wrote: <p><i>Sometimes the unwashed get drunk and commit various thought misdemeanors simply for the lack of proletarian vigilance - nothing that can't be fixed by a proscribed five-hour session of self-criticism with a shovel on the front lawn of the Party headquarters.</i></p>

... and so I do swear to undertake such a session... a complete five hours with my well-honed shovel, which I'm sure will be confiscated from me the moment I have completed the proscribed 300 minutes, though that shouldn't be difficult, as I'm sure my melon will have become but a meaty mass by then... leave it where it lays when the time comes... I believe that given the depth and seriousness of my Thoughtcrimes, I am irredeamable (and my spelling is atrocious)... This goes beyond Thoughtmisdemeanors and so you must drag my wretched corpse through the streets, letting small children throw stones at it... please.

You know I have not been well recently - a result of too much time spent in Britain, first in that whole sushi bar/polonium poisoning incident last year, and more recently, retrieving Meow from the clutches of Sienna Miller before she could convince him that he was the next Jude Law and then humiliate him in the British Tabloids (what a disaster that would have been!!!)... I believe the stress of these two events combined with the eight hour under-the-radar-flight across the north Atlantic to Gander in the Tupolev, and having to restrain Meow while covered for most of the trip in his bile and vomit (clearly, he ate nothing but fish and chips, bacon 'butties' and some sort of scrumpy alcoholic beverage the entire time he was there) must have had some sort of effect on this poor dolphin, for I believe that some if not most of the poisonous compounds that Meow purged from his body and onto me must have been absorbed through my dolphin skin - but not even I could have believed this illness could have come upon me so quickly, could have effected my bodily health so drastically in so short a time or that it had reached my mind and effected it so... and yet it has!!!... and so I am of no further use to the Party except as an example... Please, if you would grant me only one wish, let it be this... that you allow me one last contribution to my beloved Cube by allowing me to be made an example of... I ask nothing more (except that you not allow Michael Moore anywhere near my broken and bleeding corpse... if only in respect of Aki's feelings toward his pod-mother), as my weakness of body and mind, whatever the reason (MEOW!), only expose the Cube, the Party... nay... the People to weakness and this cannot stand!!! A Kommissar, particularly one of Housekeeping, Disappearances, Composting, Dissection and Limo Service must be strong and not give in to bodily failure, let alone failure of mind so easily... It is to be expected in one such as a Chairman, say, who has had to come into contact with large amounts of $oft Ca$h as part of his official Party duties and so cannot be expected to maintain either his own health or personal korrektness and may even taint those around him to the point that they themselves are irreparably damaged... but still, the honour of serving one such as he more than repays the sacrifice of one's ever-sharp shovel, life, honour, dignity, and self-respect... and life... But what is the worth of the life of one lowly dolphin compared to that of the Kollektive?... it is but a pin-point of spit used to polish some Chairman's Solid Gold Bedroom Doors in an ocean of such spit...

Red Square wrote:<p><i>Today we received such a confession. The collective shall choose a proper punishment for this comrade. We just want to remind you once again: <b>all thought crimes are heinous, and the punishment shall be swift but fair!</b></i>

Just so... and as you say, "nothing that can't be fixed by a proscribed five-hour session of self-criticism with a shovel on the front lawn of the Party headquarters." Comrade (if I may still call you so... if only one last time... but I do not even deserve that kindness), I take up my shovel, sharpened and polished to a mirror shine, and begin my punishment... May Laika have mercy on my conscience (since we all know, there is no such thing as a soul, and the belief in such is the very opiate of the masses which oppress us... Sister should know!)... Here I go (No! No, dear children... you must watch... it may be frightening, but only for a moment, and then you will see, it is very close to be Gobsmacked, but with a deeper and mushier dent than can be administered with the flat of one's hand, a wall, or even the floor... and somewhat messier - so you may want to put on your finger painting smocks or rain gear)...

And please remember that though I may be a Thoughtcriminal of the most heinous order, Sister does love you, and her beloved Cube... I only wish I could have seen Potympkingrad... 38... or 42... either one... just once...

Wham! Wham!
Sister... Wham! Wham! Wham!
Massively... Wham! Wham! ...whamwhamwhamwhamwham!
Opiated... WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM!!!!.
Wham!... whamwhamwhamwhamwham!... Wham! Wham!... Wham! Wham!... Wham!... whamwhamwhamwhamwham!... whamwhamwham!...Wham!...Wham!.....whamwhamwham!.... wham!...ungh.. wha......

Thanks again for publication.

May the capitalist pigs be ridden when our Chinese friends buy them out and sell their possessions on Ebay!!

Can I plead guilty to thougtcrime committed prior to seeing the light? Before I came here, I actually went beyond thoughtcrime, and committed the crime of writing to the NCAA where I pointed out what I then imagined as their hypocrisy of trying to subject these schools for their various racist and hate speech mascots. It just seemed odd that this very organization is headquartered in INDIANapolis, INDIANa. But alas, I have seen the light, and now understand that they could do no wrong, that their decree is right, and it is perfectly acceptable to be headquartered in a city and state that honors these noble indigenous people, the original American progressives.

<gasping and choking>What? You did what? Commissar! I am surprised!

<uncontroable bawling> SISTAH! SISTAH! I DON'T BLAME YOU... I BLAME MYSELF! Oh, whoa there... what am I saying!? Of course I blame Sister! Josef Baby Juggling Stalin! I almost had a conscience there for a second! Ugh... my mother would have been ashamed to see me actually... apologize! My goodness! Hmm, yes...errhhmmmm.... let me pull out my handy dandy copy of the Soviet constitution so that I may grant you a pardon, SMO. Hmmm... where did I put those Insta-Power-Abuse slips??? OH! here they are... let me just fill it out...



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Chairman of the Presidium of the Supreme Soviet and rightfully elected by the People with the consent of the People's chosen deputies <snicker…snort!> I, MEOWSEVICH S. PUNCHENKO, on August 31st in the year of our sovereign Empress, Hillary Rodham Clinton, with the power invested in me by the left hand of Her Excellency and the by powers of the Soviet constitution as outlined in section {insert section and number you wish to abuse here } 121 #11: hereby {insert power you wish to abuse here }PARDON {insert name here } COMMISSAR SISTER MASSIVELY OPIATED: for committing the thoughtcrime(s) {insert crime against the state here } EVERYTHING : and will place full blame {insert individual/group name here }THE BARISNIKOV FAMILY: for all crimes against the State, the Party and the People.

For crimes committed against the State, the Party and the People, I, MEOWSEVICH S. PUNCHENKO, hereby condemn the {insert individual/group name here } THE BARISNIKOV FAMILY: to accept the rightful punishment(s) chosen for him/her/it/them by the People to include {insert punishment(s) here } CONFISCATION OF PROPERTY, FORCED LABOR, EXECUTION: and for these punishment(s) to be carried out {insert a time best for you here } NOW: as decreed by the State, the Party and the People.


NOTE: As of 1/5/03, boxes on the Insta-Power-Abuse slips DO NOT have to be checked anymore for order specifications to be carried out. This is partly due to failure of Commissars to properly check the boxes which led to a Tuttle/Buttle like incident. Please insert as directed the appropriate information needed. Once again, THE BOXES DO NOT HAVE TO BE CHECKED.

NOTE: Both RED SLIPS and BLUE SLIPS are to be kept by the firing squad and are to be submitted with NAME and ADDRESS of the accused/executed so that the bill for the bullet(s) may be mailed. Please submit both RED SLIPS and BLUE SLIPS to the Office of Party Billing, Slush Funds and Off-Shore Accounts.

RedtheProgressiveFox wrote:<gasping and choking>What? You did what? Commissar! I am surprised!

I did, but keep in mind, this was before I had seen the light of Progressive Thinking. You know, the deeper one had been in the slime of imperialistic reactionary conservatism, the greater the devotion and love one develops toward the Party.

Commissar Pupovich wrote:You know, the deeper one had been in the slime of imperialistic reactionary conservatism, the greater the devotion and love one develops toward the Party.

Or is it the other way around, hmmm, Commissar? Remember, the Party is always behind you, always watching. Just because we're paranoid it doesn't mean that our ranks aren't full of traitors and turncoats. Purges are, in fact, the healthiest and the most efficient thing the Party has developed so far.

If I were found guilty of being a traitor or turncoat, even if this was but a slander of my enemies, I would long to be purged rather than bring any dishonor on the Party. It is not my fault that I once spouted the reactionary lies, I was raised in a family that believed in such nonsense, I was educated in schools that ingrained imperialist propoganda into me, and of course Bush lied. But I have seen the light of Pure Party Progressivenss, and for that, I am most grateful. Praise Lenin, Stalin, and the MTE!

Red Square wrote:Just because we're paranoid it doesn't mean that our ranks aren't full of traitors and turncoats.

Speaking of that, my Proletarian Comrades, as I was being watchful and shrewd of our party faithful, I came across this nugget of dissension and came here immediately to report my discovery. These poor, unfortunate workers have become somehow disillusioned in the class struggle™ and have begun to break ranks.

My Left Wing

Please scroll down to read all the comments posted. There are some very disturbing comments, such as "Now it all seems so futile." and "...I feel helpless."

I felt that I must report this activity at once.

Perhaps we can send a "Public Servant™" to pay them a visit...


-Mikhail

Commissar Pupovich wrote:...I was raised in a family that believed in such nonsense, I was educated in schools that ingrained imperialist propaganda into me...

Well, have you denounced your reactionary parents, your criminal teachers, and your scoundrel aunts and uncles, and your running dog siblings? Do you have a documented proof of it? Without a documented proof of service to the Party your words and your entire existence might as well be mere figments of your imagination... <looks around nervously> For a certain fee, of course, the papers can be arranged. Do you have foreign currencies? I bet you do. Good. Meet me here tomorrow at the same time.

Mikhail T. Kalashnikov -

Welcome to the Party, comrade! The spirit of proletarian revolution remains strong with you, I can tell at once! How is your native Udmurtia these days? Has it been completely destroyed by the capitalist monetization - or has the communal Stalinist spirit survived the puppet oligarchs?

Did you know that Congressman John Murtha is also originally from Udmurtia?

And where did you find that picture of a People's Deputy pocketing a bribe? That is a classified document which is only allowed for display in the modified version of Chairman Punchenko's avatar:

Red Square wrote:

Commissar Pupovich wrote:...I was raised in a family that believed in such nonsense, I was educated in schools that ingrained imperialist propaganda into me...

Well, have you denounced your reactionary parents, your criminal teachers, and your scoundrel aunts and uncles, and your running dog siblings? Do you have a documented proof of it? Without a documented proof of service to the Party your words and your entire existence might as well be mere figments of your imagination... <looks around nervously> For a certain fee, of course, the papers can be arranged. Do you have foreign currencies? I bet you do. Good. Meet me here tomorrow at the same time.

I am sorry to report that I have failed to do so previously, so allow me to do so now. Alas, my father, who I am ashamed to confess, was rumored as I remember, a member of the hideous John Birch Society, passed away when I was but a young pup. I hereby denounce and renounce my family (though my sister could be considered a useful idiot at times), my running dog teachers that filled my head with reactionary fables, and any one else I can think of that may be a danger to the Party. I am fairly talented with Access, and so designing a database to track their names, last known addresses, significant and insignificant descriptive instances of their crimes against the state that I can recall, complete with times and dates of said incidents. Needless to say, this will take some time, but I am tying this database into the Party's central database so that the security organs can access this data as it is developed. As for foreign currencies, it would all depend on your definition of foreign. All of my currency is in rubles.

Red Square wrote:And where did you find that picture of a People's Deputy pocketing a bribe? That is a classified document which is only allowed for display in the modified version of Chairman Punchenko's avatar

Dear Leader, I hate to point this out concerning this seeming loyal comrade, but I would be remiss in my duties if I did not. I do hope I am mistaken in this instance, but it seems to me to be a dangerous thing he has done. Now I will be the first to admit I have no skills with photoshop programs, but his posting of a picture that would suggest someone has been tampering with official Party history could be disturbing to some.

Please do not be frightened by the amount of papers and pamphlets I have brought. I will merely use them for consultation purposes. Comrade Red Square, thank you very much for your kind and generous remarks. I shall address your locale inquiries below, in just one moment.

I can understand that I have been granted a privilege, that is to talk without limit, but that is too much, because everything has a limit -- your patience and my endurance -- and common sense advises me not to make a long speech.

I see that I have to respond to some of the charges leveled against my activities in connection with this dramatic problem. One of the charges against me is that I have adopted an opportunistic position. That is a remark enjoyed by our Repugnican friends and I must defend myself by saying that it is Bush's fault™. The price of oil worsened the crisis, but who was responsible for the oil crisis? The industrialized capitalist countries who abandoned their coal mines and dedicated themselves to squandering cheap fuel. The transnational companies that made enormous profits and maintained the supply of cheap fuel that competed with coal, that competed with everything, but at what cost? But they also caused the fuel crisis with their waste, with their senseless, irrational squandering of the human and natural resources of the world. I am not ignorant of the fact that the price of oil had an impact and worsened the crisis, but the industrialized capitalistic countries are responsible.

On the matter of my ability to use Photoshop™, I must admit that I do possess a modicum of talent with the program. However, the image in question was left untouched by me, though I cannot say that it was untouched before I came into possession of said image (here). Perhaps the Cheniac was trying to set me up so he could push me out of the arms business... you know how "they" operate. Or, perhaps the Propaganda Department was attempting to save costs and recycled the image in the same fashion as our dear leader Lenin's mummy. Besides, we all know full well that it is a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy™ anyway.

This is a very serious matter and we cannot allow anyone to confuse or deceive us. We should not let such traps be successful. But well, these cases exist in the world. We must develop an awareness that these problems exist in order to solve them. How many tens of millions of people are being threatened by this, how many people are harmed every year! Millions of persons are made miserable. However, we are now linking the two things.

If indeed the image in question is disturbing to the Party Members here, then it must be dealt with. Disturbance is like a cancer that multiplies itself, that destroys the organism. It is a cancer that requires surgery. I assure you that if I am required to remove the image in the spirit of the Common Good™, I shall do so immediately, for to disturb the masses is to disrupt production, and disrupting production may lead to food shortages. And as I told the workers in a previous meeting immediately after the triumph of the Popular Unity™, not even a little bird can be fed with images.

Red Square wrote:Did you know that Congressman John Murtha is also originally from Udmurtia?

<br>I was unaware of that! I am glad to see that the Bourgeoisie haven't completely undermined his Socialist roots. Ahh, Udmurtia. Alas it is not the industrial juggernaut it once was, but my humble little factory is continuing to produce fine, high quality armaments without interruption. Here also is a foto of the Military Museum of Mikhail Kalashnikov™, right. To the left, (ugh!) decadent imperialist Levi's™. Here is the Website of a virtual tour of my Museum, also.

<img width=500 src=https://kalashnikov-weapons-museum.ak47 ... /levis.jpg>


I shall close with an old Russian joke that was told to me when I was just a boy;

One political exile asks a newbie,
What did you get?
25 years.
What for?
Absolutely nothing.
Liar! For absolutely nothing they give you only 10 years!

<Chuckle, Chuckle, Ahhh, good times, good times>

I believe we have created an awareness here today. I am sure, as you are sure, that our movement, our struggle, will march forward and that we shall attain victory. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Mikhail Kalashnikov

The image above is of my late brother Boris who lost his life in order for me to move up the Party hierarchy. Ahh yes, I still remember the night when Boris and I were chatting over a cup of vodka... it was then when the Stasi (this was in East Germany, mind you) broke down the door, clubbed him over the head and dragged his little ass right out the apartment! Apparently dear brother Boris was aiding Western intelligence agencies (or so I told the Stasi that was what he was doing).

All I have left of Boris is his Ushanka, overcoat and favorite scarf... something to remember his sarcrifice by on my behalf. Poor, poor little Boris... Moscow was very unhappy to hear of what he had done. So mad, in fact, they gave me his Dacha, his salary and his wife... who - after a few years and bad aging - I left for someone much younger. Boris was a good Communist, someone who never took a bribe or never stuffed his overcoat with other people's money. And that, comrades, is why he failed... he had a conscience.

NOW WHO IS LAUGHING, BORIS! ME! THAT'S WHO! I'M LAUGHING! MOSCOW CENTER EVEN GAVE ME YOUR PRIZED ART COLLECTION, TOO! HA HA HA!

Rest in Collectivist peace, Boris Yulanov Punchenko. You would be missed if there weren't so many great things you had that are now in my possesion!

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:The image above is of my late brother Boris who lost his life in order for me to move up the Party hierarchy.

I am so relieved to hear this explanation, and I extend my condolences as I can see that you still mourn his loss. It is good that you have so much of his to keep his memory alive.

It just warms my heart, family, values, and morals of communism is what it is all about.

Commissar Pupovich wrote:

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:The image above is of my late brother Boris who lost his life in order for me to move up the Party hierarchy.

I am so relieved to hear this explanation, and I extend my condolences as I can see that you still mourn his loss. It is good that you have so much of his to keep his memory alive.

I too am comforted by these words, and extend my deepest condolences that your dear brother had but one life to give in order for you to advance your career. If he had but taken your lead and stuffed his pockets - you would have so much more now.

-Mikhail

Mikhail T. Kalashnikov wrote:If he had but taken your lead and stuffed his pockets - you would have so much more now.

Or dare I say, had he taken his lead, we may be comforting Commissar Boris today? But isn't that the way of things? The more equal of equals flourish.

OK, comrades... that is enough now. I don't ever want to hear about Boris again. Boris is dead to me....... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Get it? He's dead to me!!! HA HA HA! Ugh, <wipes tear from eye> that was good, yes, I needed that, I really did... so.... who is up for some Chinese? Anyone? Anyone at all?? My treat!

------------
------------

Dearest Comrade Chairman Meowsevitch,

Certainly... most certainly, he IS dead... The Limo Service picked him up just this morning, and in gratitude for your pardon, Chicken Sushi will be waiting when you get home, bath drawn... My treat!

And yes... I am up for a little Mu Shu... and maybe some dumplings...

Oh... and I hope you don't mind, but I have donated the Barisnikovs to our necro-proxy drive in your honour... votes you can be proud of! I believe they will be some of my best work!

Best regards,
SMO