Due to the likelihood that our secret satellite communications with Laika will be monitored by those filthy Western Capitalists, the Central Committee has given our noble CubeLeader Red Square the task of going into orbit to converse with Comrade L. directly.

Needless to say, plans of inducing the electorate into re-electing Dear Leader Obama by way of Laika's broadcast signals must be made under absolute secrecy.

Remember that which Stalin taught us so well.... you can't be too careful or too paranoid.
SO SHUT UP !

The work has already begun...... Stay tuned.

That's not Red Square in the photo. It's an imposter. Nothing to see here. Move along, and mention this to nobody. I'm not here either.

Comrades, I am happy to report that I was, this very Winter Solstice Holiday, given the gift of a Laika the Space Dog hoodie!

Besides being totally surprised, I was also delighted to find that, when wearing it, Laika's transmissions come in MUCH more clearly. While it does help to wear my tin foil hat at the same time, frankly, the difference is barely noticeable - the hoodie makes all the difference. I suspect that a T-Shirt would get you close, but a hoodie - Good Lenin, it's amazing!!

BTW, it's good to see that Comrade Square is WAY OUT THERE!! He's definitely got the Left Stuff, and I can hardly wait to hear what he has to say after conversing directly with Laika!

As you can see, the capsule has already been obtained.

Red Square, in his typical thoroughness, donned his space suit and tanks, then crawled inside the vehicle to make sure he will be able to fit .

Undoubtedly, other items will be needed for the flight. He is open to suggestions...........

Perhaps a beet to nibble on? (everything's bigger in Texazistan...)

FLOTUS is in need of a vacation. Just saying. Duty calls.

Good Lenin! The very thought of Red Square weightless with FLATUS in a confined capsule...<shudder> "In space, no one can hear you scream..."

Somebody tell Red Square that the pressure sphere wasn't structurally designed to take those kind of weight loads. ( I hope she doesn't tip him over....)

Not to worry comrades. Dea FLAUTUS ius merely rubbing her backside against the capsule for good luck.

Like I said......... it's not meant for that kind of punishment !
Why, the compression loads alone would .........

BTW: I was able to locate a capsule communications antenna at the thrift store !


Now, if I can only find some screws in my parts can.......... or maybe some crazy glue...........

ROCK of course you get better reception with a hoodie. I have personally designed the hoodies with an integral mesh antenna, the better to receive the transmissions of Laika, Noble Space Dog. In fact I highly recommend using the hoodie IN ADDITION to your superheterodyne, phased-antenna-array tin-foil had. The hoodie's antenna is big enough for the processor to store a whole 15 seconds of transmissions.

What, I ask you, would you do if you drove slowly under an overpass and didn't have constant direction from Laika? Why, you might begin to think for yourself! And that won't do.That's why I developed the Perpetual Truth Hoodie. So you'll never have to make an undignified rush to Jiffy-Lobo™ if you, quite by accident, of course, start to think for yourself.

Next is 64GB CCCPhone. It looks for all the world like an iPhone but can store up to two HOURS of Fidel's preaching and if you don't insist on sound, it can store the text of all of Dear Oleader's speeches. From the last two weeks, of course; you have to have exabytes to store all of them.

So Red Square is making the Great Leap Forward from the blogosphere to the bathysphere. What other champion of the People's Correctness would think to recycle 1930s underwater technology for use in the twenty-first century's outer space?

As Krasnodar pointed out, we need a propulsion system to get this into orbit. Since the Defense Department is about to be gutted (as well it should, as well it should), surely there should be a few surplus cannons laying about. We just have to remember to make sure the porthole is facing toward the muzzle rather than the propellant, and--Joe's your Uncle--Red Square is screaming his way to the final frontier.

" Joe's your Uncle "....... My weekend's off to a good start !

BTW: Joe is everyone's Uncle, whether they like it or not.

Preparations out in the fields continue.......



( Who let that Oleg guy with the Pobeda drive out here ? )

" Hello..... connect me with launch security at the main gate. Yes..... NOW "

It appears that the ill-gotten gains of Store #86 have been going toward new tractors and the development of beet-based jet propulsion and astrogation. I do hope that the The People's Cube Ministry of Space Flight is properly focused on Mooslim relationships as Dear Leader (PBUH) has directed for Amerikka's NASA... (I don't see any crecent painted on the side of this launch craft!) and that all meals will be prepared Halal, and the rules of flight and astrophysics will be compliant with the Sharia interpretations.


And I believe that I have solved the problem of Moochele wanting to accompany Red Square. As based on Historical precedent, she gets her own spacecraft which will travel two days prior to Red Square, and return two days after, all funded by Rethuglikkan "revenues" and collections at gunpoint donations by the People™ .

Tovarichi,

Space fight has gotten a little easier for us since Dear Leader made his changes and NASA's not littering up the skies with their shuttles anymore.

Oh, about the tractor..... the U.A.W. has generously provided it as a gift in appreciation of Obama and Red Square's enlightened sponsership .......leadership. Good thing . It seems the proceeds from Store #86 sales have already been used by Red Square to get himself a cold-cut combo w/ chips and a drink at Subway.

Our Islamic astronaut volunteers won't go up unless, following re-entry, they can crash the capsule into a bus-load of school children inside Israel. Unfortunately, we had to say no to them because we plan on using it again. As a consolation though, we did promise them that the Collective won't be buying any LOX from Jooish delicatessens to be used for launch.

Krasnodar out.

Addendum: Unfortunately, Michele won't be able to make the trip into orbit.

( insert sounds great sighing and weeping from the audience. )

It seems NASA's Nova booster project was cancelled some time back in favor of the lighter, more economically feasible Saturn V. As you know, the latter produced only 7.5 million lbs.of thrust. FLOTUS would require, by best estimation, 10 million to even reach L.E.O.! What really quashed the deal was that in order to build the Nova, some funds would need to be re-directed from entitlement programs.....
Good luck with that during an election year !

She (or her supply of fresh lobster and french fries) might have fit into the cargo bay of the shuttle, but they're all retired and on display in front of museums in blue states (as opposed to the state where Mission Control is physically located...) Such are the sacrifices the People must make. Laika will have to confer with FLATUS after her next vacation or trip to the buffet line.

There is a new executive order regarding top secrets.

ALL TOP SECRETS MUST BE PASSED ON TO AHMADINEJAD AND THE IRANIAN MULLAHS!

As a good will gesture, King Hussein of Amerika has given them one of the very finest Amerikan stealth drones to disassemble and share with China and Russia.

Red Square,
It would be advisable to carry a radar scanner so you don't get hassled for speeding by
the local authorities.......... then again, you'll be moving along at five miles per second, so the chances of them catching you are slim.