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Muhammad resigns as prophet amid sexual assault allegations

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Muhammad resigns as prophet amid sexual assault allegations

On the heels of this week's resignation of Karl Marx as leading figure in the communist movement due to allegations of sexual misconduct, the triggered social justice organizers of the #MeToo collective have claimed the scalp of another progressive icon.

At a press conference, supported by her family and lawyers, a woman named Aisha claimed that she was taken as a bride by Mr. Muhammad when she was nine years old. When asked why it took so long for her to come out, she stated that she feared nobody would believe her since the testimony of a woman is not worth a lot in her social circle. The crying woman also confessed that Mr. Muhammad used to beat her when she displeased him, and she feared physical retribution.

Mr. Beelzebub, the lawyer representing the accused prophet, denied the gravity of the accusations, saying that "everyone was doing it at the time," and that his client "did not remember the situation in quite the same way."

But later that day more stories emerged from other victims, encouraged by Aisha's testimony and resulting in the viral #MuhammadToo campaign on Twitter.

The first ones to come out were members of a Muslim Boy Scout group, who claimed that Mr. Muhammad ordered their fathers to beat them if they refused to pray. They were followed by a slave girl who was a victim of sex trafficking and claimed that the Prophet of Islam was present while she was being gang-raped shortly after his companions captured her and turned her into a sex slave.

These revelations led the Grand Imam of Al-Azhar, the prestigious Islamic university in Cairo, to issue a statement, calling on Mr. Muhammad to step aside. "I've struggled with this decision because he's been a good Prophet, and I consider him a friend," the statement said. "But that cannot excuse his behavior and his mistreatment of women."

Reacting to pressure from colleagues and the media, Mr. Muhammad called a press conference and declared that after a good deal of soul-searching and consulting with his family members and lawyers, he finally made the tough decision to step down as prophet - a move that many in the Muslim community saw as a shock, followed by a sudden sense of relief.

The first world leader to respond was the Grand Ayatollah Khamenei of Iran. "I consider Mr. Muhammad a dear friend and respect his accomplishments, but he has a higher obligation to his believers," Mr. Khamenei said in a short statement. "Now that his legacy is tainted beyond repair, I call for the immediate dissolution of Islam as an ideology and a political movement. We are making preparations to convert the Islamic Republic of Iran back to Zoroastrianism immediately. Praise Zarathustra."

Worldwide, Muslims are now discovering further evidence of Mr. Muhammad's past misdeeds in the Islamic holy texts, which has remained overlooked for 14 centuries, despite having been reproduced in millions of copies, written or printed in black ink on white paper.

"If only I had known!" cried King Salman of Saudi Arabia, who spoke on behalf of the world's majority of Muslims. "Now that I'm reading the Quran more thoroughly, I'm suddenly finding all kinds of sexual misconduct and other improper behavior. All this talk about killing apostates, terrorism, and torture. Who could have guessed? He seemed like such a nice gentleman."

King Salman has not yet made a decision on what new replacement religion he will impose on his country, but insiders have indicated he is "showing an interest in Judaism."

People in the Palestinian territories of Gaza and the West Bank celebrated the resignation today by dancing in the streets and passing out candy to children. Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas, also known as Abu Mazen, insisted that from now on he wanted to be known only as "Mr. Mo" and described the new faith of his people as "officially atheist."

With no more reason for strife and jihad to continue, Mr. Mo set up a telephone call with Israel's PM Benjamin Netanyahu, proposing to start negotiations about the incorporation of the territories previously controlled by the PLO and HAMAS into the state of Israel. "Because after all," the PLO leader explained, "their army has hotter chicks."

Linda Sarsour was seen entering a nunnery. According to inside sources, she will henceforth be known as "Sister Linda of the Sacred Heart." The abbess declined an interview, saying only that "Sister Linda has taken a vow of silence, to atone for her sins. Leave her alone. She has suffered enough."

The website The Religion of Peace, known to keep track of jihad terror worldwide, has acknowledged a complete lack of new material since Mr. Muhammad's resignation and announced that it will probably have to shut down. "The world seems to have suddenly become a less violent and a much safer place," their editorial stated, asking readers to contact them if they find a reasonable explanation for this phenomenon.

Manufacturers of real news, CNN and BBC, were quick to point out that this newfound tranquility should not make us jump to conclusions, stressing that "world peace has nothing to do with the disappearance of Islam, and saying otherwise makes one a bigoted racist or maybe even a Trump supporter."

* * *

For the readers who would like to learn more about the now abolished religion known as "Islam," we heartily recommend the new, guaranteed Non-Fake-News publication, The Gospel According to Muhammad.

It is available on Amazon, with a foreword by Comrade Red Square, People's Director, himself. Buy your copy now, before the thought police raids our clandestine printing machine.


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Comrades! Again fact is more interesting than fiction! Please stop or I may hurt myself in laughter.


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A small anthology of Facebook comments:

[highlight=#f6f7f9]Don't forget the PETA Complaints!
Watch for death threats after this one.
The accusers were paid off by Ali!
Oh no! not one of the demonicrats favorite icons!
everyone was wondering where the little girl learned a big word like molester
Careful Oleg, this may end up starting a fatwa!

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Brother Al-Minitru al-Belgi.. I mean, Komrade Minitrue - your Kubicle in Dar al-Brusseliyah got a truly robust guard, ja? In any case, I sincerely recommend a phallocentrically heteropatriarchal unit of Polska Husaria, alternating with a troop of Magyar Huszárok.

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        Mystery item No. 1


(Bavariastan Kubicle reading, of course, your glorious tractatus, gradatim.)


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Comrade Dummkopf, thank you for your advice! I do not need another security detail, however. My current batallion of Israeli soldiers is performing very well.

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https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldn ... rwear.html

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If our socialist comrades can keep up the immigration numbers like they are now, and even excluding the illegals who will not receive permanent residency status according to PEW, the glorious nation of Sweden will reach Next Tuesday ™ in the year 2072!

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You wonder why it took so long, because everyone back in Mecca in Muharram of -3 AH knew for a fact that Mohammed was thighing A'ishah. It was the reason that the Former Prophet had to flee Mecca. Dont believe that paganophobic story of religious intolerance of the Meccans. They had no problem with the Muslim faith that consigned them all to hell. It was all about the A'ish.

Of course we actually do know why it took so long to "break the silence". The Jewish rabbis of the Bani Qurayzah were fully prepared to "come forward" and "break the story" in Dhu al Qa'idah of 5 AH. At which point The One Time Prophet had them all arrested. Then, thru his contacts in the Medinan Stream Media, he concocted a charge of supposed collusion with the Meccans during the Battle of the Trench. And we all know the rest of THAT story!

Naturally, all the other Arab tribes got The Hadith, which meant nobody would touch the A'isha story with a ten foot pole. So the Wall of Silence remained. Until now.

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Callmelennie wrote:You wonder why it took so long, because everyone back in Mecca in Muharram of -3 AH knew for a fact that Mohammed was thighing A'ishah. It was the reason that the Former Prophet had to flee Mecca. Dont believe that paganophobic story of religious intolerance of the Meccans. They had no problem with the Muslim faith that consigned them all to hell. It was all about the A'ish.

Of course we actually do know why it took so long to "break the silence". The Jewish rabbis of the Bani Qurayzah were fully prepared to "come forward" and "break the story" in Dhu al Qa'idah of 5 AH. At which point The One Time Prophet had them all arrested. Then, thru his contacts in the Medinan Stream Media, he concocted a charge of supposed collusion with the Meccans during the Battle of the Trench. And we all know the rest of THAT story!

Naturally, all the other Arab tribes got The Hadith, which meant nobody would touch the A'isha story with a ten foot pole. So the Wall of Silence remained. Until now.

Comrade Callmelennie - You left out the best part!

"In the epic conclusion of the saga, the Empire prepares to crush the Rebellion with a more powerful Death Star while the Rebel fleet mounts a massive attack on the space station. Luke Skywalker confronts his father Darth Vader in a final climactic duel before the evil Emperor. In the last second, Vader makes a momentous choice: he destroys the Emperor and saves his son. The Empire is finally defeated, the Sith are destroyed, and Anakin Skywalker is thus redeemed. [highlight=#ffff00]At long last, freedom is restored to the galaxy[/highlight]."

C Craptek,
Bearer of glad tidings

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Now, now, Minitrue...

You seem to mistrust the concept of accelerated, orderly and peaceful transition from Civilization-E to Caliphate-I. Not that I know of such a concept, but surely there is some memo of EUSSR's Central Committee to that effect, in Dar al-Brusseliyah - ja?

There, in that memo, you get a bold panorama presented, depicting Mahommedan youths keenly following the teachings of elderly, gray-haired European engineers, doctors, scientists, builders, agronomists, IT experts, financiers, managers, ... (all of them of a highly equal variety of genders and sexual orientations, of course) ... , who enthusiastically pass to the spellbound audience their knowledge, standards, documentations, databases, prof journals, infrastructures, production lines, ... , and all their professional experience (plus, in the case of Germans, also a somewhat overwrought penchant for perfection, particularly in engineering).

And not to forget the memo pages on mentoring artists - musicians, painters, photographers, writers, vocalists, sculptors, actors, ... - who graciously convey the greatness and œuvres of Socrates, Shakespeare, Archimedes, Mozart, Einstein, Da Vinci, Aristotle, Händel, the Bruegels, Platon, Gauß, Vitruvius, Kubrick, Columbus, Buonarroti, Dirac, Proust, Phidias, Marx (Groucho!), Pythagoras, Casals, van Eyck, Bashevis Singer, Rembrandt, Mendeleev, Vivaldi, Caruso, Newton, Paganini, Pushkin, Riemann, Hopper, Eisenstein, Twain, Nureyev, Daguerre, Homer, Gutenberg, anonymous painters of incunabula, ... ... ... , to their fascinated Salafi disciples.

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Today this story has been picked up by FrontPage Mag:

https://www.frontpagemag.com/fpm/268747 ... oples-cube

And I like how it's appropriately surrounded on their homepage, especially Robert Spencer's article about Linda Sarsour's claim - A “GOOD MUSLIM” CAN'T COMMIT SEXUAL ASSAULT. Sounds almost like her response to the news of Mohammed's resignation.

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Comrades! Make Islam Great Again!

All followers of the Prophet (piss be upon him) must join the Moon Collective!

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Mullah Mc Master, the renowned expert on Islamic history and theology, has done it again: he assured the unhappy, worried proles of the peaceful intentions of our Muslim friends. After all, he should know: unlike self-taught amateurs like Robert Spencer and Pamela Geller, Mc Master was extensively schooled in Islamic ideology during his military education. It is good and reassuring to know that the evil president Trump is supported by such an expert.

On the general's orders, the Pentagon released a small overview chart to establish once and for all that there are many important differences between traditional Muslims (like Muhammad himself) and the religion-hijacking terrorists that have nothing to do with islam. For example, Muhammad did not have a cell phone. Merry Marxmas everyone!

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Progressively limping behind The People's Cube leadership,
now DER SPIEGEL (52/2017, of Dec. 23) jumps the shark:

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(... jumps the shark, but the other way round: oh, how close are our religions to each other ...)
(they should have put Linda Sarsour for "Virgin Mary" here, as she dons a fully condomic hijab)


        Mystery item No. 2

(sure, sure - as your readership shrinks daily, you just double down on so-called "provocation")


UPD.
Huh, similar shtick in Vox (hello, JournoList!), as pointed out in FrontPage Mag.



 
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