Comrades, I would love to be able to write something of great substance expressing how touched I am by how much First Lady Michelle Obama is just like plain, regular, unassuming me, as evidenced by the above photo.

But I'm afraid I don't have time, as I have to run out to the grocery store and pick up a cheap $5.00 $3.00 dinner for my spousal unit.

Sounds quick and easy, right? Wrong! You have no idea what a logistical nightmare it is for me to do something as simple as shopping for groceries. Just ask Michelle, who's just like me!

First I have to send an advance team to check out the place, and make sure there are no unwashed, smelly proles clogging up the aisles who might want to gawk at me or ask me to get stuff off of higher shelves for them because I'm so much taller than they are; or maybe they just want to see my beautiful arms.

But due to budget cuts by Republicans, my advance team isn't as thorough as they could be, so they may miss a few proles lurking about. Therefore, just in case, I have to disguise myself in such a way that I still stick out like a sore thumb. Thus, if people see me, they'll think, “Oh no, that can't be Pinkie—if Pinkie wanted to disguise herself and not be seen or bothered by anyone, she'd do it in such a way to make herself blend in with the rest of the patrons. That woman in the bright gaudy colors and baseball cap and giant pair of ‘Jackie O's' over her eyes must be no one but one of the neighborhood freaks, the kind sometimes seen on street corners yelling about the coming apocalypse."

But that's not all. My staff has to call up ALL the major news organizations beforehand and plead with them to pretty please keep their photographers away from me while I'm shopping, because I really hate being photographed, especially while doing everyday, boring stuff, and ESPECIALLY when I went to all this trouble to make myself look as if I didn't want anyone to see me and, Lenin forbid, recognize me.

Because seriously, I don't think I'd ever even want to be caught dead looking like the subject of this photo.

Comrades, not to worry. An established capitalist has a new commercial for 2012 that will help the cause of our glorious struggle. It will bring back ole' memories of our beloved USSR and give us hope for a wonderful future ahead for us. So all is not lost. And it may help update your wardrobe to give you that slick, fun-filled "prolitarian" look! I'm sure the Holy Trinity (Marx, Lenin ans Stalin) are looking down from that Potemkin Village up in the sky and giving it their approval with a round of soft applause!!!

Was anyone able to get that stunning model's phone number?

Lenin help Target if there is even so much as a car backfiring within a mile of FLATUS; they will immediately be denounced for inciting vilolence with their logo.

Commissarka, may I be so bold as to assume that you ARE (of course) wearing your designer many-thousands-of-$$$s articles of clothing on your just-like-FLATUS jaunts to, say, Target, McDonald's, Taco Bell, etc.? As you and I both know, an order of 12 tacos, 7 burritos, and a tub of mayo is simply NOT the same when one's shoes cost less than $500.00.

Thank Lenin it wasn't Wal-Mart! I would be forever ashamed of our dear FLoTUS. Much better that she frequented the more upscale posh Targe'.

And just imagine if it were K-Mart? Oh what a disgusting thought!

If FLATUS had shopped Walmart it would be tantamount to giving money to the Chinese for substandard products made by child labor!! Barry wouldn't... Ummm, He'd Never..... US Policy is that we wouldn't..... nuts.

Too bad she couldn't get to wally world, she could be following current policy.

You've got her name wrong. It's "Michael." At least that's what Barry called her today.

New Comrade Finepoint, FLATUS is not the name, it is her TITLE. "First Lady Above the United States". (don't look up "flatus" in the Kapitalist Dictionary, the definition stinks...) and yes, Barry calls her Michael, he probably calls her sweetie too, but we dont.

Betinov, I think that you need a promotion for coining "FLATUS." Just think about her egestion on eating. She is, I'm told very sad that the Danes have beaten her to putting an extra tax on butter and other things which people might enjoy.

Pinkie, Commissarka Darling, I do not see you in the kulak environs of Target. I will forever remember that moment when first I set eyes on you and loved you: when you were leaning on your hoe in the north beet field, waving a bottle of Putinka to chase away the buzzards circling in.

This is sort of like Socialist Entropy.

Thank you, Theo. True, the Party could reward me with an Order of Hillary, or Pinkie could give me a Beet of the Week, but I am content to merely bask in the glow of of contentment that comes from serving the Party. As was once said of British LAbour Party leader Atlee, I am a modest man with much to be modest about.

Betinov, I commend your modesty and there is no reason that you cannot brag about your modesty. I do all the time. Why, I'm the most modestest prog in the world. I never brag about all the Hummels I have. Meow might want them back. I never brag about all the proles that I impale. Having them off the welfare rolls would diminish my rolls, if you know what I mean.

But if we want to honor the person with the most to be modest about, let us of course never forget Bouncing Baby Barry Bama. Here's a man who has not, insofar as we can tell, written a single word that really looks as though he's written it. He was editor of a law review but had no single article published under his name, and his autobiographies, although they are dancing orgasms of literary delight, read more like the work of Bill Ayers. The post-bomb Ayers. He got a lot of anger out of his system by killing those people. That's the way it works with progs, you know.

My Dear Theo, are you suggesting that I, Betinov, have written and published more books and articles than the most intellectual president evah?

Please excuse my interuption Comrade, but I believe I've found a possible explanation for that "glow of contentment"you've been experiencing .....

Father Prog Theocritus wrote:Having them off the welfare rolls would diminish my rolls, if you know what I mean.

We do Comrade. We always know, you know?

Butter or Red eyed gravy?

Butter and thyme honey, Noble Space Dog.

Krasnodar, you must repent at Jiffy-Lobo™ for letting the Stoly out of the bag. We all in the Inner Circle know that Betinov is just pickled in Stoly. It's the prog way, after all. But since Betinov is a Made Prog, he keeps that to himself. He drinks Stoly, but in a Putinka bottle, and it's been carefully made so as to look dirty and unwashed. But make no mistake. It's Stoly.

Unless he's drinking Napoleon brandy.

Betinov, in 1981 I licensed some software which was sold internationally. Not much but it was. And I wrote the user's manual.

I too am more published that Baby Barry Bama. But then he doesn't have to be because he's proof that with the drive-by media at your back, all you have to do is work your look.

[ And people are finding out that that's one of the things that Governor Perry has been doing, as I suggested elsewhere. ]

BUMP.

In regards to Michelle's recent reference to this Target trip and her assertion that being asked by a commoner to get something down from a high shelf was racist...

I happen to be 5'11" myself. I'm always being asked by shorter people to fetch items from shelves too high for them to reach. I'm happy to do it. I had no idea it was racist--for which I should denounce myself because what ISN'T racist these days?

Clearly a government program is needed to help shorter people reach items on higher shelves without having to commit the racist act of asking taller people like me. That, or the government needs to put a ban on placing anything higher than 5 feet from the ground.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:BUMP.

In regards to Michelle's recent reference to this Target trip and her assertion that being asked by a commoner to get something down from a high shelf was racist...

I happen to be 5'11" myself. I'm always being asked by shorter people to fetch items from shelves too high for them to reach. I'm happy to do it. I had no idea it was racist--for which I should denounce myself because what ISN'T racist these days?

Clearly a government program is needed to help shorter people reach items on higher shelves without having to commit the racist act of asking taller people like me. That, or the government needs to put a ban on placing anything higher than 5 feet from the ground.

Au contraire, comrade. The government needs to ban all black people from holding employment at any of the large "box stores" so that they will not be, arbitrarily, discriminated against by the white power structure.

This is the only way that we can ensure that no white people ask random black people, dressed like store clerks, to behave like store clerks and uphold the oppressive white power structure.

FIGHT THE POWER!!!!!!

Here's how it works.

If you are a person of color and go into a Target store and people don't greet you at the door, ask how you are doing, ask you to let them know that there is anything they can do to make your shopping experience more delightful, offer to get you a cup of coffee, and hover over you at all times, it is because they are racists.

If you are a person of color and go into a Target store and the people there do greet you, ask you how you are doing, ask you to let them know that there is anything they can do to make your shopping experience more delightful, offer to get you a cup of coffee, and hover over you at all times, it is because they are racists.

If you are a person of color and go into a Target store and the people there do nothing, it is because they are racists.

If you are a person of color and go into a Target store and a short person asks you to help them get something off a tall shelf, it is because they are racists.

If you are a person of color and go into a Target store and a short person does not ask you to help them get something off a tall shelf, it is because they are racists.

In short, if you are a person of color and anyone does anything in your presence or fails to do something in your presence, it is because they are racists. To put it in even shorter terms, if you are a person of color and someone had the absolute audacity to be born of a different color than your own, it is because they are racists.

Ivan Betinov wrote:.......if you are a person of color and anyone does anything in your presence or fails to do something in your presence, it is because they are racists. To put it in even shorter terms, if you are a person of color and someone had the absolute audacity to be born of a different color than your own, it is because they are racists.

Indeed, comrade. This is what we strive to combat. The idea that there are people who are not white must be assailed at every level.

Equality demands that we must treat everybody as white. Skin color is irrelevant.

But Kapitan (my Kapitan), if we treat everybody as white, does that mean that we should accuse everyone of everything evil, real or imagined, that happens to anyone? And if we treat all people as white, who will we blame for our failures?

Ivan Betinov wrote:... if we treat all people as white, who will we blame for our failures?

Squirrels. I vote squirrels.

Or George Bush .<spit>

Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:

Ivan Betinov wrote:... if we treat all people as white, who will we blame for our failures?

Squirrels. [highlight=#ffff00]I vote squirrels.[/highlight]

Or George Bush .<spit>

Comrade Ivan, (if that really is your name)

Don't think because this is a 3 year old thread I wasn't paying attention. (and you most certainly bear close attention) - As is my habit, your most recent remark has been noted and logged in the ever growing Bill of Pending Charges I keep in a very safe place. A word to the wise, comrade...

Me too! Me too! I want to be a victim too!

Margaret, I do believe you've just hit on something. I may not be black, but I'm still a victim! People assume that just because I'm tall, I should fetch stuff from high shelves for them!

They don't look at me as a Commissarka with a shovel. They see me only as a tall person who can get things they can't reach. They simply assume I will do this for them, because who else will, if not another tall person?

And to think I said I'm happy to do it for them? Obviously I don't know any better. Why, I'm like one of those downtrodden, exploited workers in Doctor Zhivago—you know, the ones about whom Lara told Pasha, “They don't want revolution” to which he replied that yes, they do—they just don't know it yet. They must be told—just as I must be told that I am not really happy to do this, that instead I, along with all the other tall people, am a victim of stereotyping and exploitation.

Furthermore, my victimhood checks all the necessary issue boxes for official Party-designated crisis. Comrades, I hereby present for your consideration the five issues, or jewels if you will, that make up the glorious Crown of Crisis that symbolizes the true power driving big government to become even bigger yet:

(1) I may not be black but Michelle is. Far be it from me to question whether she thought her own experience was more race-centered than height-centered. The fact that she feels it was the former means I would feel the same way if I were black, too. Either way, it makes my victimhood a RACIAL ISSUE!

(2) Do I ever ask short people to fetch me things from lower shelves? No! All this time I've been bending over or squatting to reach the lower shelf on my own (three words that no one should ever, ever have to say in that order for any reason). As a result, I'm placing unnecessary stress on my back and/or knees, leading to pain, injury, and ultimately disability. That makes my victimhood a HEALTHCARE ISSUE!

(3) Being tall means people are always asking me, “How's the weather up there?” Aside from the usual response of “It's raining,” at which point I spit on them, the fact that they ask at all highlights a pervasive concern about the climate and proves the government is not doing enough to keep the masses informed about it if they have to ask me. That makes my victimhood an ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUE that affects the whole planet and all of humanity!

(4) Being tall makes me an easier target for drones, snipers, bombers, etc. That makes my victimhood a NATIONAL SECURITY ISSUE!

(5) Do I deserve to be importuned to fetch stuff from higher shelves and report on the weather simply because of my height? If I wore really, really tight shorts and a really, really skimpy halter, does that mean I deserve to be raped? Do you see the parallel? Huh? Do you? Is it not obvious to all of you that every time someone asks me to get them something from a too-high shelf, they are, in effect, raping me? Ergo, this makes my victimhood a WOMEN'S RIGHTS ISSUE!

Comrades, we are all of us victims of one thing or another; we just don't know it because we must be told! I urge all of you to look at Margaret, for example. She wants to be a victim, and she IS a victim—but of what? Look at her. Look for her inner victim. Then empower her by bringing it out, and watch as she finally has awareness to raise, a cause to embrace, a reason to be...and to care.

I'm starting to feel like a victim already. Thanks.

Ivan Betinov wrote:But Kapitan (my Kapitan), if we treat everybody as white, does that mean that we should accuse everyone of everything evil, real or imagined, that happens to anyone? And if we treat all people as white, who will we blame for our failures?

Comrade, we can always identify a scapegoat. The key, as Commissarka Pinkie has so eloquently elucidated, is in maximizing the number of victims whilst minimizing the number of responsible persons. If one is a responsible person, one is automatically to be blamed for everything that is Unfair™ and Unequal™.

The Party™ is never responsible. The Party™ represents those who are not responsible. As such, The Party™ continually seeks to locate those who are responsible and punish them for their responsibility with which ever means is most prudent and practical.

Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:... "First Lady Above the United States" ...

And here I was thinking it was First Large A** of The United States. Just goes to show what happens after drinking too much unfermented beet juice.

Just after the event in question, FLATUS blew off some steam on the David Letterman Show while recounting the harrowing racism she encountered at Target:

“That's my Target run. I went to Target,” she said. “I thought I was undercover. I have to tell you something about this trip though. No one knew that was me because a woman actually walked up to me, right? I was in the detergent aisle, and she said — I kid you not — she said, ‘Excuse me, I just have to ask you something,' and I thought, ‘Oh, cover's blown.' She said, ‘Can you reach on that shelf and hand me the detergent?' I kid you not.”

As the audience laughed, she went on, “And the only thing she said — I reached up, 'cause she was short, and I reached up, pulled it down — she said, ‘Well, you didn't have to make it look so easy.' That was my interaction. I felt so good. … She had no idea who I was. I thought, as soon as she walked up — I was with my assistant, and I said, ‘This is it, it's over. We're going to have to leave.' She just needed the detergent.”

The Horror...The Horror...

C3-PO said it best when he suggested a new strategy to R2-D2: "Let the Wookiee win."