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Where's Chairman M.S. Punchenko?

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Some comrades have been asking "Where's Meow? Has he been laundering money, stealing, gluing his broken Hummels? Raiding the cookie jar at the Rancho? Doing Nancy's drapes? Piloting Air Force One?".

The answer for all the inquiring minds is "NO"!

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The Chairman has been asked by none other than the Super Patriot, Arlen Specter, to help "let loose the winds of a cure" for his campaign contributions.

After Arlen defected to The East, he knew that the Chairman has the ability to sucker inspire progressives into parting with their moneyto contribute to a cause more important than themselves, Arlen's re-election The Cure for Cancer™.

While dining with Theocritus and Bruno at the Rancho on refried beans, roasted garlic, onions and cabbage in a limburger sauce, the idea suddenly came to the Chairman and everybody elses' nostrils within a 5 mile radius!

"Eureka!" cried the Chairman.
"Yes you do Meow, I hope you didn't leave skid marks" said Bruno "and SMO won't be in to do the laundry until Friday."
"My eyes are watering, Meow, have some mercy!" weeped Theocritus.
"No...I mean I know a way to raise money for our new party idol, Arlen!" snickered Meow, in a way only Meow can snicker, like when a wad of Ben Franklins are waved under his nose like smelling salts.
"What brings more sympathy than using a disability like cancer to get people to think they're donating to a just and worthy cause? OK, not including Sarah McLaughlin's rip your heart out ASPCA commercials, but other than that? None I tell ya! I smell cash and lots of it!"
"OK Meow, I'm in" said Theo "but what's our cut?"
"The normal Theo, 75%, but I'll tell Arlen 35%, he's used to that percentage since he's a fool lawyer. I already have an ad campaign planned....I remember seeing progressives holding up signs with Limbaugh, Hannity, Malkin and other reprobates with their mouths taped shut at progressive protests. Phew! Damn! That was a good one! I'm about to let loose another one....Hey! That's a great tag line for the ad campaign!"
"Bruno!" screamed Theocritus "open the all the windows and doors...cough...cough...oh my G.....oops almost said God. It seems the Chairman has found his muse."

So you see folks, the Chairman has been very busy, not slacking, as we forever march forward in the name of Progress!

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What?! Doesn't Commissar Specter know that finding a cure for HIV/AIDS is far more progressive important?!

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How NOT to write advertising slogans:

The URANUS Project:

Help URANUS by removing red tape that conceals breathtaking wonders of your inner world. It's time we let loose the winds of change and let the outside world gasp in bewilderment: EUREKA!

Remove red tape and become a buddy of URANUS
National association of proctologists for change

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The first comment lifted from Huffypoop:

Well first off he should get a native English (or American) speaker to do his web site. "Unleash the cure"? "let loose the winds of a cure"? Probably sounded fine in the original Mandarin or Hindi but something was lost in translation. And since when did medical research NOT result in cures? He might as well institute a fund for making water wet.

Get rid of Specter, whichever party he technically belongs to. The man doesn't belong in the United States Senate and never has.



I think it's grorious that Comrade Specter is using People's Repubrick of China for grorious ad campaign.
Indeed, this is a Great Giant Reep Forward.

Maybe Dear Reader can help Arrin with transration.

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Laika, did you have to air that dirty laundry in public? Bruno and Lupe and I have been tearing off the dry wall in the Rancho. I don't care what you do, after Meow is done with you, you know that you've, er, been done.

But what is worrying is that it's not the same old Meow. After I woke up I fully expected my Waterford to be gone, but it was still there, and so was Meow. I thought he was going to dump another air bomb on us, but he just sat there, musing.

And that worries me. I got the bit about running dear Arlen--his ego was always bigger than his brain and I understand people like that. Jimmy Carter, Comradette Nansky, Babs Boxer, and of course Jay Rockefeller, the senator that West Virginians love because he cleans up good and they can still look down on him.

So Meow has found an angle that I don't know about. And it worries me.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:
So Meow has found an angle that I don't know about. And it worries me.

Comrade Commisar, you want Gulag Man find angle Comrade Chairman have? You tell Gulag Man to find and Gulag Man find.

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We'll have to find Meow first. I looked under all the beds, but no, no Meow. I looked in the local drunk tanks, and no, no Meow.

I looked in every flop house in Culo de Pecos, and no, no Meow.

I'm beginning to worry. What <i>can</i> he be up to? When Meow doesn't want to be found he's as invisible as Comrade Nansky's brain.

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I found a hairball in my boat, so I suspect Meow had been there at some point recently.

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Circumstantial evidence only. Check your most secret hiding place--we all have one. If everything is there, then Meow has not been there.

He can walk past a library and without a moment's hesitation put out his hand on the hollowed-out book. His other hand goes to the book with the $100 bill in it.

It's a gift of his--a true Progressive. And he'll tell you that you're guilty for hoarding.

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Ahh Comrade Theo, I check my most secret of hiding places, and low and behold! My special Not-For-The People(TM) hideout pistol, as well as cash, jewels, precious metals, and my Get Out of Gulag Free(TM) card was gone! And it reeked of cat piss.

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Gentlemen!
Relax!

Meow is safe and back from his secret double mission to the People's Republic of China.
Meow was banging drunk whores with taxpayer funds and planning Arlen's re-election campaign. Both were overwhelming successes!
A diplomatic coup!
We have nobody to thank except Hillary!

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Comrade Red Square, you should be more progressive.

To quote Professor Hugo Farnsworth of Futurama fame "We changed the name of Uranus years ago to put and end to those silly jokes....now it's called Urectum."

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Laika, how did Meow get in and out? You remember the time that he got drunk and woke up with the body of Mao--Meow and Mao--an empty bottle of Jack Black and a half-empty bottle of pain killers. Well that's what he thought they were; they were my roofies that he stole.

How did he get back in? I don't believe that the Chicoms liked it.

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I don't know how he got back in, Theo, but I do know how he got funding for the trip:

http://www.cnsnews.com/public/content/a ... rcID=47976

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Most progressive, most progressive indeed.

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Dr. Strangelove wrote:I don't know how he got back in, Theo, but I do know how he got funding for the trip:

http://www.cnsnews.com/public/content/a ... rcID=47976

Nice. Sounds like something written for the People's Cube:

U.S. Will Pay $2.6 Million to Train Chinese Prostitutes to Drink Responsibly on the Job

(CNSNews.com) -- The National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAA), a part of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), will pay $2.6 million in U.S. tax dollars to train Chinese prostitutes to drink responsibly on the job.

Dr. Xiaoming Li, the researcher conducting the program, is director of the Prevention Research Center at Wayne State University School of Medicine in Detroit.

The grant, made last November, refers to prostitutes as "female sex workers"--or FSW--and their handlers as "gatekeepers."

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Comrade Red Square, as a most progressive statistician has pointed out to me elsewhere, this is simply a study, and designed to try and learn about reducing HIV/AIDS infections. Therefore we should not worry about it. It's for (the Chinese people's) Own Good(TM). It is too bad make prostitution illegal in nearly all of the United States has made it impossible to find American prostitutes to conduct a study on.

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But what I really want to know, Red, is who are the "keymasters?"

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How did he get back in? I don't believe that the Chicoms liked it.
I don't know how he got back in, Theo, but I do know how he got funding for the trip:
Most progressive, most progressive indeed.

He sold bogus plans of the Hildo Hydra.
Your first clue Theocritus was the use of gas.
Cash, jewels, pistol, hairballs, etc..will be returned upon submittal of claim to The Party™.

Would anybody like to fill out the forms?

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Yes Laika, I would like to fill out the forms! That was my CZ 82 he took dangit! The jewels were paste though, and the cash Somali Pirateland Funbucks(TM) so no loss there. But I want my CZ 82 and Get out of Gulag Free Card. Mmm on second thought I may not need the card. Inner Circle(TM) members simply face summary execution instead of Gulag right?

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Inner Circle?

What is that?
Never heard of it. Is it above the Arctic Circle?
Archangel?


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Laika, Noble Space Dog wrote:He sold bogus plans of the Hildo Hydra.
So <i>that's</i> how Meow got the money that he needed. I had heard that the construction on the Three Gorges dam was back on track after scandals about its construction. And nothing could help the Three Gorges Dam more than the Hildo Hydra 7.1 Turbo.

It could be used as a tunnel-boring machine which never gets bogged down. Consider its experience. Also it could, using its piezoelectric properties, be used as a power generator. Run some water of it and it will throw off megawatts of energy.

And most of all, small versions of the Hildo Hydra could be used to run the People's Cars and the People's Busses.

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Laika the Space Dog wrote:Inner Circle?

What is that?
Never heard of it. Is it above the Arctic Circle?
Archangel?

I think he must be referring to a concave navel.

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I think he must be referring to a concave navel.
Just maybe good doctor and you should stop gazing at it now.
That's an order!

These Freudian types are always slipping up.....sigh.


 
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