[ PROG OFF ]

There has been a proliferation of pictures on the Internet lately that present Bernie Sanders as a comic book superhero - Captain America, Hulk, Spiderman, Superman, Mad Max, and some more obscure kiddie characters in possession of superpowers.


These pictures have likely been created by confused young adults who, due to negligent and faulty upbringing, can't tell comic adventures from political spin in the mainstream media. Let's unconfuse them.

To begin with, "socialist" and "superhero" are a contradiction in terms.

To be a superhero, one needs the innovation of capitalism and the conservative values of self-reliance.

Progressives argue that superheroes must be socialist because they believe in science, otherwise they wouldn't be able to develop all their gadgets and souped up vehicles, etc., e.g. Batman.

Well, if Batman were a socialist, he wouldn't be using his own money. He'd rely on government grants, and the plotlines of most superhero movies would revolve around the superhero unable to save the city from annihilation because the Republicans cut funding to his secret laboratory. Or they did increase his funding, but it wasn't as much as he demanded so it's still considered a cut.

Sometimes, superheroes get blamed for massive disasters that befall their metropolis. Public opinion turns against them. They hunker down and weather the storm, but eventually they do make a comeback under their own steam.


However, a socialist superhero will never be blamed for anything. When the Joker blows up Gotham and reduces it to a smoldering ruin, Republicans are the ones to take the blame, because they cut funding to all Batman programs that would have enabled him to avert catastrophe. As for the Joker, if he happens to be a registered Democrat or member of a protected victim class, then it's also the fault of Republicans for slashing important social programs like midnight basketball and free passes to Sea World so he'll have something to do besides blow up cities.

And then there are superheroes who achieve their superpowers due to some accident, like exposure to radiation or insect bite.

They tend to deal with the consequences entirely on their own. They figure things out and decide for themselves how they want to proceed with it. They really abhor the idea of anyone, let alone the government, even knowing about them.

During the Cold War, the fear was being turned into a secret weapon against the Soviets. Now it's too many regulations that prevent superheroes from saving civilization. Because everyone knows the only thing that will save civilization is... yup, you guessed it! Socialism!

But so-called socialist superheroes would NEVER keep it to themselves. Why would they, when there's profit and attention to be had in identifying as something they're really not?

First they want everyone to know they're a victim.

They want money and free stuff for what happened to them. They want a phone call from President Obama, asking if they are all right and congratulating them for their courage in publicly proclaiming their victimhood.

And of course they blast Republicans for budget cuts to government agencies that would've prevented the radiation leak or insect bite, and ultimately their new status as celebrity victim.

They may say they want to use their newfound (and government-approved) superpowers to help the downtrodden, but not if it means THEY have to go into a burning building to save someone's baby. Nope!

A Socialist Spiderman, for example, would use his web-slinging skills to entertain and thrill the masses and make them pay enough attention—you might say he lures them into a web—and once he has them captive, he would then raise their awareness about the need for bigger government, without which there can be no firemen to put out the burning building and save the baby.

Because whenever cuts to government programs are threatened, first responders are always first on the chopping block. Or so we're invariably led to believe.

He would tell them how repeated Republican refusal to increase funding for our crumbling infrastructure prevented the installation of additional tracks for that runaway subway train in Spiderman 2. How Republican rejection of single-payer health care for the Sand Man's sick daughter forced him to commit armed robbery that led to the death of Uncle Ben.

Spiderman would tell them that every time Republicans vote to repeal Obamacare, it's as if they're killing Uncle Ben in cold blood all over again.

Bernie Sanders, old white guy, a superhero?

According to this article, which blames the Trump voter for the drop in the labor force, old white guys are "classic" (read, stereotyped) Trump voters. Mind you, Bernie has never dropped out of the labor force, but that's only because he's never been in it.

This article first appeared as a comment on another thread. I used my editorial superpowers to illustrate and separate it into a separate post, which it richly deserves. Next step: Mother Page!

Fear of the golden shovel of retribution and justice prevents further editorial review of the Commisarka's literary prowess. As the scars have yet to heal from my last encounter, I say movement to the Mother Page is always appropriate, and I concur with the actions of The Director (from a safe distance away).