Without you, reporters will die

No one will take precedence over me in being a liberal. I’m snooty, haughty, self-righteous, dispositive of other people’s money and time; I sneer at everything that is not part of me, and not a sparrow falls from the tree but I think of a way that its falling would be better done. In other words, I’m a Made Progressive.

And no one will take precedence over me in my disdain of the Bu$hitler. He is the worst president since Ramses the Great, and he’s responsible for the pimple on my ass. He strangles kittens for his birthday. I miss sleep damning him.

But still I have wondered at our comrades in The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, and mainstream media. As much as I hate the Bush Crime Family (©Randi Rhodes), even I admit that they didn’t let their children roller-skate on the White House parquet like Amy Carter. But our Comrades in the media haven’t found a single thing good about them, to the point that I’ve wondered why.

I have it figured out. I was looking at some pictures of the Bu$hitlert taken in June of 2001, and I saw him drinking a glass of water. That explains it. Since the Bu$hitler drinks water, our Comrades in the media could no longer drink water. And without water, what to drink?

~

Chivas Regal, Bombay Sapphire Gin, Grey Goose, Maker’s Mark, and various premier cru vintages from the finest vineyards on the earth. This is the only way to explain Professor Paul Kurgman, PhD from the Saturn Zoroastrian University. It is the only way to explain the sensationalist documentarian Moo Moo Moore. The best explanation for our Comrades in the media is that they are, quite simply, shit-faced drunk all of the time. It explains the rage and the fact that people are walking away from them, as people walk away from the town drunk. As the town drunk gets drunker his circulation goes down. As time goes on, so does the circulation of the MSM. Enough people have walked away from The Los Angeles Times that it declared bankruptcy. Now it’s in the gutter begging for a fiver for a bottle of Mad Dog.

And as often happens with bad habits, it continues. Lost in their lees, the media to this day continues their job guided by their gut feelings. Did you see Page 1, but below the fold, of our newspaper of record yesterday? “President Obama makes big, firm poopie. Thousands healed of their genital warts and the graves are opened.”

Comrades, I fear for the future of Progressivism. For if the unwashed proles in fly-over country learn the truth, then they might actually see Progressives for what we are.

And then we’d have to get a real job. So let’s have an intervention. Tell your friends in the media to get into a twelve-step program. Tell them to put down the corkscrew. To throw away the ice bucket. To take hold of their lives before they, like the Los Angeles Times are lying in the gutter, wondering why more people read the free shopper than a once-great paper. Before they too, like The New York Times, are taking out a home-equity loan to pay their bar tab.

It’s not easy, but it can be done.
 

Fear not, Commissar, for the People's need for agitprop objective journalism will motivate the Party into action. I have it on good authority (not one of the inebriated fourth-estaters you cite but an inebriated congressional staffer) that buried within the forthcoming national enema fiscal stimulus bill are funds to save our crusading newshounds, clandestinely allocated under headings such as "Aid to Poor Children Lacking Proper Limosine Access" and "National Overstuffed Furniture Restoration Project." The one thing the public doesn't realize about a zillion-page spending bill drafted in short period is that NOBODY knows everything that's in it. It is so gargantuan that Jimmy Hoffa could be buried there and not be found for decades. And given that chronic intoxication has been a tradition in Congress decades longer than in journalism, if any one of them did know, they likely forgot.

In addition, a little birdie-brain told me that a TARP will soon be spread over the NY Times, if only to hide what Punchy and Caroline are doing from prying eyes. The "Carlos Slim" who recently made an investment in the "Newspaper of Obama Record" is not the reclusive Mexican billionaire but an anagram of the last names of certain interested parties who wish the paper to continue its tradition of bullshitting honest reporting (think "C" for Castro, "O" for Obama, etc.) So you see, Theocritus, the newspapers will NOT fail no matter how much cheap booze the publishers and staff drink. They are more important to the Party than the auto companies whose leadership can afford better liquor. The newspapers still control the agenda and now the Party will control the newspapers; not that we didn't in the past but now we have it in writing. Just remember: the People have a RIGHT to know nothing. Now, pass out the bottles of Old Pelosi, the "scotch with a touch of botox to provide a little lift."
 

Opiate, I know that they cannot fail; it's in the Party's interest that they continue to disseminate their utter and complete lies honest and probing journalism. Why, with more TARP money a Times reporter might actually get out of the Green Zone in Baghdad! If that happened, the skies would be rent and there would be a heavenly light.

No, wait. That happened on January 20. Sorry.

I was concerned with the reputation of our dipsomaniac brethren. It is just about the lowest already of all professions, lower than used-car dealers, I believe, but I didn't want it to sink below that of Congress or serial killers, when you can tell the difference.

But I just had a thought. If they destroy their livers can they be so liverish? Or does that mean that their livers are made of Kevlar and thereby indestructible? So many Kennedys are in publishing though that they might have evolved livers which actually need alcohol to function. I have it on good authority that a Kennedy who is not tanked starts getting varices and a platelet count of 50. One tee-total Kennedy had to have a shunt put in his liver just to survive.

So my concerns about their health might have been for nothing.
 

So sorry Commissar, I misread the point of your concerns. You truly are the compassionate individual portrayed by your avatar to care so deeply about the masses of useless hacks national media reporters who serve us so well.

I regret having to tell you this as it will likely break your heart but you must know... the reporters are really not important to the "big picture" as they say in Obamagrad Washington. Think of Marshall Zukhov leading the glorious People's Army west towards Berlin in the Great Patriotic War; remember he forced soldiers at gunpoint asked for volunteers to walk thru the Nazi minefields and clear the mines in front of the tanks. Remember his rationale? Infantrymen are easy to get, tanks are harder. Apply this analogy to the NY Times et al situations. So what if the journalists are getting shit-faced every day? It's not like they have to investigate anything like they did during the BusHitler years; now, they can just take at face value anything Obama says for he only speaks the truth. (This lack of purpose in life may also explain the upsurge in alcoholism.) But why pay a college grad to do this when a deserving ACORN member can surely fill the bill? They are expendable, Commissar, they are just fodder for the cannons of the Obama Revolution. They have served their purpose in bringing down the BusHitler dynasty but they are no longer needed. The important thing is that the media as an institution survives to keep the public confused informed, and that takes precedence over the petty concerns of individuals (unless the Party needs those concerns to batter its opponents, then we care again.) The reporters are just replacable cogs in the Party machine. When they become too well-oiled, we send out for others.

But, the Party is not without heart. Those cast aside for the greater good will be compensated as we do those whose homes we take (under the legal principle of eminent domain, of couse) in order to put up golf courses and car dealerships for the politically connected public interest. How about some free maps to where Rethuglicans park their cars at night? The radiators are full of ethylene glycol, which makes a refreshing cocktail with a little ice.
 

Opiate, I do see your reasoning about ACORN. But might it be wise to hold off expending them quite yet? I mean until elections are considered quite unnecessary. Then of course they will be totally expendable. But we might have to have some storm troopers until that time.

Just in case I propose that we plant patches of ACORN people in counties with large military populations, for the military tends to vote Rethuglican. That's why I so hate the military. They seem to think, utterly with no reason, that it's a bad thing for Islamic terrorists to blow up AmeriKKKa. It's what we deserve for not understanding them better and giving them more than they want. I always feel bad that I can't let my belly get below the floor when I grovel to an Islamic terrorist. I'm sure that dear Pinch understand that feeling well.

Also the military is evil because they actually take an oath which doesn't put them first. How can you trust someone who doesn't think of himself first? I mean, you can't trust a Made Progressive any more than you could get Marker's Mark out one of the boobs of Our Many Titted Empress, but we know how to handle that.

Make common cause with a Made Progressive. In secret meetings choose someone to dump on. The military? You know, some of them actually say the same thing to different people!

That's why they should all be shot.
 

Opiate of the People wrote:

Quote:

....the reporters are really not important to the "big picture" as they say in Obamagrad Washington.


Opiate, you make a very good point, what I got from reading your last entry, (my rough transliteration) is: "The good of The One[sup]TM[/sup]outweighs the good of the many or the few."....or at least something close to that.....
 

Comrade Opiate! While true that the NYT is merely a useful idiot, it's full potential has not been met. While true that we should not become too attached to an expendable commodaty, we must extrude every last quark of potential from our resources like the made progressives we are.

Yes, ACORN supports the One. Yes the liberal college bloggers support the One. However, there are still Kulaks out there that even I, Obamissar of Gulags, have not been able to "employ." There are still those who doubt the supreme majesty of the Obamessiah. There will be other elections and other candidates who need a leg up due to their perceived "lack of experience." Need I remind you there are still Rethuglikkkans sitting in the House and the Senate? We must eliminate term limits and cement the ACORN ARMY (AA, not to be confused with SS, which is something completely different) before we allow the NYT to fail.

I just ordered 5 subscriptions.

Let's band together to save the Party's Mouthpiece.

-Obamissar Vodkavich
Obamissar of Gulags and Car Wash Products
 

Theocritus, the military should not present much of a problem. They are well-trained to follow the orders of their Commander in Chief which, for the forseeable future, will be in the Party's hands. Obama is a shoe-in to be there until at least 2017, even longer if we can get rid of that nasty old 22nd Amendment. If not, Oprah is ready to take over at that time. America is once again a one party nation. The Rethuglicans will be allowed to exist as a stage prop, as the Party needs someone to blame if when things go wrong. The Party may eventually have to pay stooges to play the part of Rethuglicans for no one will want to act the part of perennial whipping boy willingly. Well, maybe Dick Morris, but that's about it. The Party has nothing to fear, Commissar, for the media loves its status as drunken lapdog and the military will do its duty and follow its CIC. ACORN is the Party's ace in the hole and its ranks will surely grow as our plans to destroy the capitalist economy bear fruit. Nothing can stand in our way now, Theocritus, NOTHING! AH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

Comrade Robot, you are very perceptive. Yes, we tell the people it is about THEM when it really is about US. This illusion is necessary to keep us in power for their own good as we know the masses are not qualified to run their own affairs. But, we must convince them we are walking beside them instead of leading them along by their noses. Thus, the good of the many depends on the good of the Party.

Obamissar Vodkavich, the House and Senate Rethuglicans are no longer a problem, they do not have the votes to stop or change anything the Party wishes to do. They will be useful if Comrade Obama can bring some or all on board in the spirit of "bipartisanship" meaning they will not be able to point fingers when the shit hits the fan. The drunken media will demand they do so in the name of "unity", kind of like demanding the defendant at a murder trial sit on his own jury and vote to convict himself. This will probably work because the Rethuglicans are weak-minded imbeciles who want to keep their jobs more than anything else. Thus, the media will do the Party a grave disservice if they completely discredit the Rethuglican Party for then there will be no other convenient scapegoats. We must therefore put some distance between the Party and the MSM, largely for the reasons I stated but mostly because we could use some extra money for vodka rations.
 

I should point out that drunkenness or some form of chemically-induced altered mindset is a natural state for many True Progressives. I fail to see how the editorial staff and prominent writers of most big name newspapers could do their jobs as effectively as they have been doing them without being utterly blitzed out of their minds.

No one, short of a character in Atlas Shrugged, could have equalled the brilliant job done by "Citizen Pinch" Sulzberger in running his family's proud media heritage, The New York Times, in to the ground at full speed without some help from mind-altering substances. I must respectfully offer my dissenting opinion on this matter. Our media masters are not drinking enough. They must remain drunk at all times and they should push themselves right up to very physical limits of survival. Why? Because they have succeeded wildly, beyond all expectations. They have helped put our Beloved Leader in power in spite of him being a blank slate, devoid of ideas or specifics. They helped re-elected our members to the legislature and actually increased our totals to comfortable margins in spite of record low opinion poll numbers and leadership by the most corrupt, feckless buffoons to have held office in living memory. They have turned this country around 180 degrees in just two years. We have gone from a Republican-led nightmare to a new age of totalitarian insanity enlightened Progressive rule. I for one think that we have our drunken media friends to thank for this. We owe them a great debt of gratitude which means we'll line them up against the wall latter rather than sooner.
 

Commissar Theocritus

But still I have wondered at our comrades in The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, and mainstream media. As much as I hate the Bush Crime Family (©Randi Rhodes), even I admit that they didn’t let their children roller-skate on the White House parquet like Amy Carter. But our Comrades in the media haven’t found a single thing good about them, to the point that I’ve wondered why.

I too have wondered. Recall how the great Clinton took the time and effort to remove the "W" from the keyboards, while at the same time removing nearly a million dollars of "gifts" and furnishings? Not a word has been said of any such antics by the Bush brown shirts, and it was reported that they only took back things that belonged to them. with some paltry value of about $45,000. Then it hit me.... they intend to come back! Yes, we must be ever more vigilant.
 

Yes, it is as a friend of mine from South America once said. "If I retreat, it's only to gather myself to pounce."

Like a St. Bernard on a Kielbasa, no, Comrade Marshal?
 

Opiate

Obamissar Vodkavich, the House and Senate Rethuglicans are no longer a problem, they do not have the votes to stop or change anything the Party wishes to do. They will be useful if Comrade Obama can bring some or all on board in the spirit of "bipartisanship" meaning they will not be able to point fingers when the shit hits the fan. The drunken media will demand they do so in the name of "unity", kind of like demanding the defendant at a murder trial sit on his own jury and vote to convict himself.

Of course, Opiate, of course. And our Rethuglican congressthings will be very happy to oblige to keep in the spotlight. For nothing is more important than that.

I propose that we have televised interventions, like Steve Wilkos.

Wilkos: "Why did you think that a Republican has any right to tell other people what to do?"

Republican: "Because I was elected?"

Wilkos: "Wrong, assface! You were elected to continue the redistribution of OPM in the name of the Progressive World of Next Tuesday(tm)!"

Republican: "But my district doesn't want other people to take their money or freedoms..." with a quaver in his voice and fear in his eyes.

Wilkos, shouting, leaning in: "Listen up, assface! What people want doesn't make any difference whatsoever! Your job is to take as much money and liberty from people as you possibly can and you better get used to it! If you just roll over like the other Rethuglicans you can go to one of Pinch's parties, but of course you have to enter by the back door. And if you hurry up and vote to shut down that Limbaugh fellow, Pinch won't have to have his garden party at McDonald's."
 

{microphone off}
I was wrong; the House Republicans refused to eat the crap sandwich and 11 Dems went over the wall to join them in voting against it. The scales are starting to fall from some of the eyes of those who thought ZerO was a new kind of politician. They're discovering there's nothing new about Obama, just the same old shit coming from a different asshole. Folks, at least the ones old enough to recall the early 1990s and before clearly, are starting to remember why they dislike the Democrat party. Most economists agree Pelosi's hors d'crap are not going to help matters at all. I guess the whole country couldn't stay stuck on stupid forever.
 

Unfortunately, Opiate, the vote was still 244 to 188...not close enough of a spread to really give me a lot of hope about a fair chance to defeat Demorrhoid initiatives nor getting our bills through that don't appeal to the party in power. They've got us by the numbers.
 

But those no good imperialists rethuglican thugs has haled action in the Senate! But not to worry, the Gang of 14 is promising to come to the rescue once again!
 

Commissar Theocritus

I mean, you can't trust a Made Progressive any more than you could get Marker's Mark out one of the boobs of Our Many Titted Empress, but we know how to handle that.

After that one picture of the MTE someone posted on another thread, I wonder if the "T" doesn't really mean "testicled."
 

DDR Kamerad

Unfortunately, Opiate, the vote was still 244 to 188...not close enough of a spread to really give me a lot of hope about a fair chance to defeat Demorrhoid initiatives nor getting our bills through that don't appeal to the party in power. They've got us by the numbers.

Y, we knew that the Kleptocrats would likely win the vote because of the numbers. The thing is that Obama made a big show of trying to get the Reps on board for this POS and he failed miserably, so there's a big tomato stain on his "post partisan president" cardboard cutout. The other thing is that when this Piece Of Shitmulus bill ultimately fails to do anything but debase the currency, the Dummocraps bear the entire responsibility as Pelosi wisely shut the Reps out of the deliberations and not one of them voted for it.

I watch Jim Cramer's Mad Money at night because between the theatrics he has some sound thinking. He was pretty pro-Obama initially, not because he bought into the Hope & Change BS but because he is a pragmatist. I think Cramer has a fairly good grasp on what is wrong with the economy and what might fix it. Anyway, last night after the House passed fiscal gas, he was on telling people the Stimulus was a Porkulus and Obama had let them down, at least for the time being. I think a lot of other pragmatists that voted for Obama may be starting to look at things the same way. No, it's not going to move the jerks who think Obama descended from another planet but it may start to shake the faith of the voters who thought he could fix the economy. At this point, that's the best we could hope for.

{microphone on}

Comrade, I love your hat, it is soooo progressive! I presume it is made from the finest recycled materials..... you should be in line for a medel from Premier Obama for your service in promoting the important People's Hatmaking industry.
 

Soon the people will come to realize that they are the problem not a secular progressive governance...

We representatives can pass legislation to strictly regulate population (other than immigration or course) then we will truly be a great country.

Bushilter's mistake with his checks to the people were they used the gifts from above to pay bills not consume for the good of the collective. We will not make that mistake. This stimulus will let the Gov't and neighborhood freedom fighters pay bills for they know better how to stimulate!

Soon only progressives will be allowed to procreate and they will possess the correct programming education to understand what correct progressive stimulus is, for that is the final solution for success!
 

DDR, would you care to be the Commissar in charge of Millinery? Not only your fine chapeau, but all the other chapeaux. Red Star's goons will need helmets with points on them, of course; and Bruno is thinking of branching out to a helmet with horns.

But being Commissar in charge of Millinery would have one other wonderful benefit: You'd be in charge of tin-foil hats! That's like being Doctrinal Supervisor. You would get to chose the station from Saturn or Neptune that loyal comrades would listen to.
 

Marshal Pupovich

But those no good imperialists rethuglican thugs has haled action in the Senate! But not to worry, the Gang of 14 is promising to come to the rescue once again!

{microphone off}

Y, the Gang of 14.... If they had only been at Munich in 1938, they could've said "Offer Hitler HALF of Czechoslovakia, Neville!"
 

Hope! Peace! Change! in our time.
 

Commissar Theocritus

DDR, would you care to be the Commissar in charge of Millinery? Not only your fine chapeau, but all the other chapeaux. Red Star's goons will need helmets with points on them, of course; and Bruno is thinking of branching out to a helmet with horns.

But being Commissar in charge of Millinery would have one other wonderful benefit: You'd be in charge of tin-foil hats! That's like being Doctrinal Supervisor. You would get to chose the station from Saturn or Neptune that loyal comrades would listen to.

Hey now, just a minute! The manufacture of foil ushankas has been a project of mine for quite some months. After all, since there's currently no need for increased uranium supplies, we've had to expand and diversify our operations here at the Re-education Center.
 

Commissar Theocritus

DDR, would you care to be the Commissar in charge of Millinery? Not only your fine chapeau, but all the other chapeaux. Red Star's goons will need helmets with points on them, of course; and Bruno is thinking of branching out to a helmet with horns.

But being Commissar in charge of Millinery would have one other wonderful benefit: You'd be in charge of tin-foil hats! That's like being Doctrinal Supervisor. You would get to chose the station from Saturn or Neptune that loyal comrades would listen to.


Yes! I will gladly accept the appointment...for the People[sup]tm[/sup]!

And I will see what materials are available at the PPPX for Bruno's horny hat. I think I have a colander and two spare "12 inches of Blue Barack" on hand.

Oh, and I will see about procuring the necessary headgear for the troops. It may be mandatory, anyway, seeing how the masses already have soft heads and have suffered much brain trauma already from bowing down and kneeling before the Big O (sound of trumpets, cowbells, disaffected honkies, and Ann Coulter being slapped with a Kielbasa, and everyone MUST bow down).

I haven't seen that much headbanging since the '80s.
 

Commissar Theocritus

DDR, would you care to be the Commissar in charge of Millinery? Not only your fine chapeau, but all the other chapeaux. Red Star's goons will need helmets with points on them, of course; and Bruno is thinking of branching out to a helmet with horns..

But did we not already put Commissar Big Fur Hat in charge of Party chapeaus? Granted, Comrade DDR does have a flair for big hats, but Comrade Big Fur Hat eclipses even DDR's.
 

I would like to point out, just for the record, that I STILL DON"T HAVE A BLOODY HAT.
 

Comrades, I would like a red foil hat, in any party approved shape. Actually I would like a quantity of them, so that I may issue a People's Helmet with my People's Rifle.
 

Pupovich, BigFurHat is AWOL. And anyway don't you think that DDR's chapeau is more, shall we say, something that I, Commissar Theocritus, Commissar and Made Progressive Plenipotentiary, would find appealing? He looks like a tango dancer. And a big fur hat? That could be after all our Many Titted Empress's pudenda.

But why the conflict of interest? There is so much work to be done in tin-foil hats. All party members need one tin-foil hat for seeing a Michael Moore movie. Another tin-foil hat for watching The View. Another tin-foil hat for attending DNC meetings. And yet another tin-foil hat for reading The New York Times although I'd make that one, DDR, out of chewing-gum tin foil because it may not need to be durable.
 

DDR, you say that the masses already have head trauma, leading to soft spots, by their O'beisance to his O'ily O'liness, the O'nly man that we adore. This is I suspect a chicken-and-egg problem. For after all, as much as I adore his O'liness, how could someone whose résumé fit on a postage stamp with bombers for friends be elected to the highest office in the world without some cranial deliquescence? Just think of the people who would analyze carefully the various features on a car that they were to buy utterly suspending judgement in voting for someone whose effect will be so much more.

This obviously points toward Selective Cranial Atrophy. A true Progressive can be shown that the surge in Iraq is indeed working and no matter the evidence, the true Progressive will deny it. But a true Progressive can be told by a man whose asset, whose only asset, is mellifluous tones and a few buzz words, that all will be well, the sun will rise 15 minutes later so we can get some more sleep, and the laws of supply and demand no longer matter, and any Progressive who puts on a barette will have his ears touch from the inside.

It stands to reason. As long as His O'liness is not in the room, when reason runs screaming out the door.
 

Betinov, you will get your hat. Yours will come with little tiny pins and wires. And I have a flash for you. Since your skull has been completely removed, for the sake of the Party, of course, you will be one of the Keepers of the Faith. Because there is nothing between your brain and the Current Wisdom, as beamed down by Laika, noble Space Dog.

When your hat comes I expect it will be a bit uncomfortable, for a while, but then in true Hero Progressive fashion you'll get used to it. I can't tell you how many people I've known who have gotten used to it. To a lot of things. The ultimate in getting used to something is being dead, but that's another story and one well told by Uncle Joseph.

Your brain will pullulate with Party Approved Progressive Thought, and the PART will be transferred up to Laika's space capsule to be rebroadcast to other Progressives.

But there is a downside, I'm afraid. You'll have to watch Faux News and report on any trends. It will fall on you to show where dissent must be repressed.

For a Made Progressive can not longer expect to remain Made as long as there is someone who can offer another opinion. For any other opinion, I add in camera, would be fatal to a Made Progressive.

Ask Dear Leader or Dear Fidel. They know all about this.

Now pardon me, comrades. I have replaced all five toilets in Rancho de Rio Grande to not be the modern, elongated ones, but to be the older, O-shaped ones.
 

Alcoholism is a horrible existance. I wouldn't know, but I do know of accouts where it hurts the drinker, and those around them. . .
(off)
. . .Just look at Ted Kennedy!
 

Ahhh, Comrade Elliott...but what is bad for the individual may be good for the collective! Look at how we have successfully subjugated the natives with ethanol. Ever see any natives in Russia? Now you know why.

And for purposes of keeping the masses in line (this is tier 3 of the Revolution's Plan for Social Control, along with porn, fast food, David Hasselhoff, and Air America--the next tier involves the People's Morale Enforcer[sup]tm[/sup], carried in a holster on every Commissar), I have developed the People's Beer Hat (patent pending):

www.ImageShack.us">

Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!

Guaranteed quick results! See the glazed-over expression in this peasant's eyes!

Every collective overseer needs at least a hundred of these.
 

Air America? You mean that their checks have quit bouncing?

Of course Air America is such a success story. The Al Frankenstein Monster can't get a station in the People's Republic of Austin but he's able to buy all the necro-proxy voters he needs to get into the Senate. Now there's a man after my own heart.

And Hasselhof? Have you seen him jogging? Any silicone in those boobs?
 

Commissar Theocritus, I must beg your forgiveness for my delay in responding, I was busy today beating the goons, doing performance evaluations on my highly trained troopers. Yes Trooper I call “hey idiot” did well indeed, the rest signed with a witnessed “X” One found an unopened can of Bushitters baked beans; several were attempting to open the can via chewing through the top. They were amazed when I took a can opener and removed the top.

In a recent raid we confiscated a large steamer trunk full of costumes and hats. One Trooper dressed up like Carmen Miranda and began the dance around singing CHICA CHICA BOOM CHIC. I wished I could say I was amused but psychotic, drugged up progressive troopers can be very dangerous, especially as they are armed.

As for the new steel helmets, the Troopers like the Pickelhauber, I do fear that they will attempt to play football wearing them. Some are stupid enough to attempt to sharpen the spike, but on the other hand this may not be entirely a bad thing.


Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality Inc
Director of kicking doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Keeper of the faith
 

Comrade Red Star, may I interest you in the first production of People's Rifles for your goons? Currently my loyal workers and peasants have built 7 of them, with 7 more coming back from quality control for rebuild. Having your goons carry the People's Rifle will be good publicity for Factory 665.9 Olympia Collective, State of Obama.
 

Commissar Theocritus, can I suggest that we use Super Glue to attach the tin foil hat to Comrade Brain in a Jar? It is used in the place of stitches etc, and I feel it could offer the best way to secure the tin foil hat to organ material such as Comrade Brain in a Jar. Sure, now and then the helmet will need to be replaced, and this would necessitate the loss of some brain material when it is ripped off, but I doubt it would be noticeable. And you need not worry about the pain, since the brain does not feel pain any way.
 

Pupovich I feel it my duty to warn you, the liquid in Ivan Betinov jar is by his own admittance is NOT WATER,


Before you stick your hands (in your case paws) in there I strongly urge you find out what the liquid is composed of.

Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality Inc
Director of kicking doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Keeper of the faith
 

Red Star, you story about your troopers dressing like Carmen Miranda made me worry greatly. I fear that they have been contaminated by Bruno. Now I know that they are brain-dead thugs very focused and disciplined party workers, and I would never want them to be subjected to the evil aura of Bruno.

Next thing you know you'll be surrounded by Barbara Streisand howling, and since she's a good progressive, that ought to be fine. But she'll peel the enamel off your teeth.

I like the idea of the helmets quite a lot. Make sure that their chin straps are welded into place and they turn into a bayonet which they cannot lose.

I can see you keeping your goons in shape by having them joust with them--running at each other. The winner of the jousting tournament then gets to eviscerate unrepentant Rethuglicans who stand in the way of the Progressive World of Next Tuesday.
 

Comrade7.62, I value your offer of People's Rifles for Red Star's goons. But are you sure that you want him to have the ones which are being remilled to actually work? I've seen his goons and although no one is second to me in my admiration of a good Socialist Goon, it might be safer for them to have rifles which do not in fact work. In fact I've seen his goons and it's best in general not to give them anything more complicated than a bottle opener.
 

Pupovich, I have been considering the problem of Brain in a Jar. We do not want such a fine and loyal comrade to be without a hat. Considering Betinov's sterling contributions to the Party, I think that we ought to give him a special hat:

Platinum needles going directly into his brain which will be connected to a tin can of tomatoes.
 

A tin can for a hat? Hardly seems appropriate for a valued and esteemed brain like our Comrade. Besides, it would not fit.
 

Pupovich, esteemed Brain in a Jar has sacrificed his all to be--a brain in a jar. No doubt he'd be glad to shovel what remains into a tin can.
 

And there is total submission to The Party!
 

I submit! I submit! Call 1-800-ENSLAVE-ME, Elliott, NOW!
 

Done. . . and now I have class envy! Gimme gimme gimme!

Or as Grandpa Simpson put it so beautifly,
Hobo "Spare change ma'am?"
Abe (grandpa) "Yes, and you can't have it!"
(walks into a Socalist Security building)
Abe "I'm old, gimme gimme gimme!"
 

I love the greedy geezers. The richest demographic in America which votes the most and has one of the two strongest lobbies and therefore got their drugs for free. On the backs of their grandchildren.

Such good progressives.
 

Where as instead of living off of their savings they should of done in their youth, they are living off the government, truly good progressives indeed.
 

They've already collected far more than they paid in, you know--think of all the people paying in effect about 3% of their income for insurance for the old, when they're 18 and flipping hamburgers and the people whose health they're paying for are in Boca.
 

I look at my pay-check from where I work (I won't say for privacy reasons), and I'm always suprised at seeing how much is taken out of it for the fedral portion alone, and I'm working at a low-end job. All I can say is more of it will go to the government with the Obamasiah in office, and a democratic Congress (they are the ones who come up with tax bills.)
 

Elliott, you are young and the young do not vote all that much. The greedy geezers vote the most of all, and are the loudest. And so the politicians, who will join them, provide for them.
 

Right, I could have told you that. There in lays the problem, it's two fold. The old want immediate results, since they have little life left, and the young don't vote because the majority of them are lazy asses who would rather have sex with their girlfriend, or sit in front of the TV all day.

I think I see the big problem with liberal thinking all together, they fail to see the long-term outcomes. Think about it, the "stimulus" might stimulate the economy for a short time, but what happens in the long run? You have to find some way to pay off that borrowed money, which leads to government spending, which puts you back in a debt hole.
 

Try this article in The Weekly Standard. It's how to deal with a stimulus, a Keynesiean one, from a conservative view point.

The old do worry about getting by. I've been very ill in my life and know the uncertainty of life. There were times that it took 45 minutes to rise from bed to get to the john. It took a half hour to move up in bed so that my feet (which I cannot feel) wouldn't press against the foot and thereby cause nerve pain. (The first nerves to die are pain nerves, next pressure nerves, next attitude nerves. I have no pain, which is great for gout.)

Nonetheless, they are greedy. I send back every AARP solicitation envelope that is prepaid empty. Just to cost the bastards.
 

Commissar_Elliott

I look at my pay-check from where I work (I won't say for privacy reasons), and I'm always suprised at seeing how much is taken out of it for the fedral portion alone, and I'm working at a low-end job. All I can say is more of it will go to the government with the Obamasiah in office, and a democratic Congress (they are the ones who come up with tax bills.)

Do I detect a lack of patriotism there Commissar?
 

Commissar Theocritus

Try this article in The Weekly Standard. It's how to deal with a stimulus, a Keynesiean one, from a conservative view point.

The old do worry about getting by. I've been very ill in my life and know the uncertainty of life. There were times that it took 45 minutes to rise from bed to get to the john. It took a half hour to move up in bed so that my feet (which I cannot feel) wouldn't press against the foot and thereby cause nerve pain. (The first nerves to die are pain nerves, next pressure nerves, next attitude nerves. I have no pain, which is great for gout.)

Nonetheless, they are greedy. I send back every AARP solicitation envelope that is prepaid empty. Just to cost the bastards.

I read that article you suggested, and as always (or so it seems) the democrats are just going to come close to ScrUBARing(ScrUBAR=Screwing Up Beyond All Repair) the situation. I like what it says, "When monetary policy reaches it's limits, fiscal policy must take priority." It suggested tax cuts and increase spending (I don't know if they were talking of private or government spending however); I don't see Congress or Obama cutting taxes. I get a yuck of the idea of sending back the AARP's letters if it's prepaid. Hahahaha. . .

Marshal Pupovich,
You would think I'm writing anti-Party propaganda and saying disloyal things, but the problem is, is Commissar Theocritus and I sometimes forget to say (off) character.
 

Pupovich, Elliott is a young up-and-coming Commissar not yet attuned to the niceties of grand larceny and chicanery and wholesale lying. I'm arranging for master classes with Meow for him although I'm having to pay for the classes with your Hummels. But since they were originally Meow's Hummels he's fine with that. And he's sure that you will be too.

Me? I think it's peachy-keen.
 

Comrade Elliot is indeed a fine young up-and-coming Commissar. As his avitar suggests, he was probably a bit into the bottle when he seemed to suggest he was complaining about paying taxes. Er.... those Hummels you think you "purloined" from me? They are the broken remains that my divers salvaged from that submarine that went down some time back. They were glued together again by my team of trained underage third world virgins. But not to worry, Meow will never notice the few flaws still visible to sober people.
 

One of you please answer me this, is Meow ever sober?
 

Meow is never sober if I can help it. You cannot believe how he is when he's sober. He sits there, slumping, peering out of his bloodshot eyes, resentful, even more than useful for a Progressive, his fingers twitching, sweating...it's horrible. And then when you aren't looking he smashes things.

When he's drunk or high he steals them and then you might get them back. But when he goes on a rampage he can, believe it or not, do more damage than Our Many Titted Empress with a tusk-ache.
 

This explains a lot. However, I have a hard time believing he does more damage than out MTE. I've seen our MTE on TV going balistic and overheated to many of our MSM men.

However, I will believe you Theo if you say so.
 

Oh, Elliott, when Meow's recovering from a bender, it's just horrible. I've seen our MTE go off on the media and that's bad enough, and here, at the Rancho, she can be even worse. Much worse. But she's direct with her violence. Meow has a sneakiness that is beyond our Empress. You turn your back for a second and the room is a wreck.

With our MTE, she starts to huff and puff and she turns bright red. There is warning. You know it's not going to be easy. And while she's hyperventilating, you can move the crystal to another room.
 

I'll take note of this.
 

Comrade Vlad, take heart, fore the unconquerable spirits of Comrades Matthews and Olbermann will continue as shining examples of how to properly lick the ass of praise the Obamessiah. Just look and see and take Hope^TM that the Progressive World of Next Tuesday^TM and the tellers of truth will endure forever!




And Comrade Keif is properly obsessed with "Obama's package," especially the "private parts," as you can plainly hear in this video clip:






It all kinda makes a tingle run up your leg, doesn't it?
 

Dr. Strangelove

Comrade Vlad, take heart, fore the unconquerable spirits of Comrades Matthews and Olbermann will continue as shining examples of how to properly lick the ass of praise the Obamessiah.

Yes, they hit all the hard hitting questions did they not? We know how Obama feels about A Rod to boot now! Did you not love that question by what's her name, Maura Liason? The one that basically asked "If the rethuglicans were so obstinate about signing on to your wonderful stimulus package which has those wonderful tax breaks and critical for the survival of the country, how will they act when faced with some difficult bill?" I truly almost over tinkled!