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And no one will take precedence over me in my disdain of the Bu$hitler. He is the worst president since Ramses the Great, and he’s responsible for the pimple on my ass. He strangles kittens for his birthday. I miss sleep damning him.
But still I have wondered at our comrades in The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, and mainstream media. As much as I hate the Bush Crime Family (©Randi Rhodes), even I admit that they didn’t let their children roller-skate on the White House parquet like Amy Carter. But our Comrades in the media haven’t found a single thing good about them, to the point that I’ve wondered why.
I have it figured out. I was looking at some pictures of the Bu$hitlert taken in June of 2001, and I saw him drinking a glass of water. That explains it. Since the Bu$hitler drinks water, our Comrades in the media could no longer drink water. And without water, what to drink?
~
Chivas Regal, Bombay Sapphire Gin, Grey Goose, Maker’s Mark, and various premier cru vintages from the finest vineyards on the earth. This is the only way to explain Professor Paul Kurgman, PhD from the Saturn Zoroastrian University. It is the only way to explain the sensationalist documentarian Moo Moo Moore. The best explanation for our Comrades in the media is that they are, quite simply, shit-faced drunk all of the time. It explains the rage and the fact that people are walking away from them, as people walk away from the town drunk. As the town drunk gets drunker his circulation goes down. As time goes on, so does the circulation of the MSM. Enough people have walked away from The Los Angeles Times that it declared bankruptcy. Now it’s in the gutter begging for a fiver for a bottle of Mad Dog.
And as often happens with bad habits, it continues. Lost in their lees, the media to this day continues their job guided by their gut feelings. Did you see Page 1, but below the fold, of our newspaper of record yesterday? “President Obama makes big, firm poopie. Thousands healed of their genital warts and the graves are opened.”
Comrades, I fear for the future of Progressivism. For if the unwashed proles in fly-over country learn the truth, then they might actually see Progressives for what we are.
And then we’d have to get a real job. So let’s have an intervention. Tell your friends in the media to get into a twelve-step program. Tell them to put down the corkscrew. To throw away the ice bucket. To take hold of their lives before they, like the Los Angeles Times are lying in the gutter, wondering why more people read the free shopper than a once-great paper. Before they too, like The New York Times, are taking out a home-equity loan to pay their bar tab.
It’s not easy, but it can be done.
In addition, a little birdie-brain told me that a TARP will soon be spread over the NY Times, if only to hide what Punchy and Caroline are doing from prying eyes. The "Carlos Slim" who recently made an investment in the "Newspaper of
No, wait. That happened on January 20. Sorry.
I was concerned with the reputation of our dipsomaniac brethren. It is just about the lowest already of all professions, lower than used-car dealers, I believe, but I didn't want it to sink below that of Congress or serial killers, when you can tell the difference.
But I just had a thought. If they destroy their livers can they be so liverish? Or does that mean that their livers are made of Kevlar and thereby indestructible? So many Kennedys are in publishing though that they might have evolved livers which actually need alcohol to function. I have it on good authority that a Kennedy who is not tanked starts getting varices and a platelet count of 50. One tee-total Kennedy had to have a shunt put in his liver just to survive.
So my concerns about their health might have been for nothing.
I regret having to tell you this as it will likely break your heart but you must know... the reporters are really not important to the "big picture" as they say in
But, the Party is not without heart. Those cast aside for the greater good will be compensated as we do those whose homes we take (under the legal principle of eminent domain, of couse) in order to put up golf courses and car dealerships for the
Just in case I propose that we plant patches of ACORN people in counties with large military populations, for the military tends to vote Rethuglican. That's why I so hate the military. They seem to think, utterly with no reason, that it's a bad thing for Islamic terrorists to blow up AmeriKKKa. It's what we deserve for not understanding them better and giving them more than they want. I always feel bad that I can't let my belly get below the floor when I grovel to an Islamic terrorist. I'm sure that dear Pinch understand that feeling well.
Also the military is evil because they actually take an oath which doesn't put them first. How can you trust someone who doesn't think of himself first? I mean, you can't trust a Made Progressive any more than you could get Marker's Mark out one of the boobs of Our Many Titted Empress, but we know how to handle that.
Make common cause with a Made Progressive. In secret meetings choose someone to dump on. The military? You know, some of them actually say the same thing to different people!
That's why they should all be shot.
Quote:
....the reporters are really not important to the "big picture" as they say in Obamagrad Washington.Opiate, you make a very good point, what I got from reading your last entry, (my rough transliteration) is: "The good of The One[sup]TM[/sup]outweighs the good of the many or the few."....or at least something close to that.....
Yes, ACORN supports the One. Yes the liberal college bloggers support the One. However, there are still Kulaks out there that even I, Obamissar of Gulags, have not been able to "employ." There are still those who doubt the supreme majesty of the Obamessiah. There will be other elections and other candidates who need a leg up due to their perceived "lack of experience." Need I remind you there are still Rethuglikkkans sitting in the House and the Senate? We must eliminate term limits and cement the ACORN ARMY (AA, not to be confused with SS, which is something completely different) before we allow the NYT to fail.
I just ordered 5 subscriptions.
Let's band together to save the Party's Mouthpiece.
-Obamissar Vodkavich
Obamissar of Gulags and Car Wash Products
Comrade Robot, you are very perceptive. Yes, we tell the people it is about THEM when it really is about US. This illusion is necessary
Obamissar Vodkavich, the House and Senate Rethuglicans are no longer a problem, they do not have the votes to stop or change anything the Party wishes to do. They will be useful if Comrade Obama can bring some or all on board in the spirit of "bipartisanship" meaning they will not be able to point fingers when the shit hits the fan. The drunken media will demand they do so in the name of "unity", kind of like demanding the defendant at a murder trial sit on his own jury and vote to convict himself. This will probably work because the Rethuglicans are weak-minded imbeciles who want to keep their jobs more than anything else. Thus, the media will do the Party a grave disservice if they completely discredit the Rethuglican Party for then there will be no other convenient scapegoats. We must therefore put some distance between the Party and the MSM, largely for the reasons I stated but mostly because we could use some extra money for vodka rations.
No one, short of a character in Atlas Shrugged, could have equalled the brilliant job done by "Citizen Pinch" Sulzberger in running his family's proud media heritage, The New York Times,
Commissar Theocritus
But still I have wondered at our comrades in The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, and mainstream media. As much as I hate the Bush Crime Family (©Randi Rhodes), even I admit that they didn’t let their children roller-skate on the White House parquet like Amy Carter. But our Comrades in the media haven’t found a single thing good about them, to the point that I’ve wondered why.I too have wondered. Recall how the great Clinton took the time and effort to remove the "W" from the keyboards, while at the same time removing nearly a million dollars of "gifts" and furnishings? Not a word has been said of any such antics by the Bush brown shirts, and it was reported that they only took back things that belonged to them. with some paltry value of about $45,000. Then it hit me.... they intend to come back! Yes, we must be ever more vigilant.
Like a St. Bernard on a Kielbasa, no, Comrade Marshal?
Opiate
Obamissar Vodkavich, the House and Senate Rethuglicans are no longer a problem, they do not have the votes to stop or change anything the Party wishes to do. They will be useful if Comrade Obama can bring some or all on board in the spirit of "bipartisanship" meaning they will not be able to point fingers when the shit hits the fan. The drunken media will demand they do so in the name of "unity", kind of like demanding the defendant at a murder trial sit on his own jury and vote to convict himself.Of course, Opiate, of course. And our Rethuglican congressthings will be very happy to oblige to keep in the spotlight. For nothing is more important than that.
I propose that we have televised interventions, like Steve Wilkos.
Wilkos: "Why did you think that a Republican has any right to tell other people what to do?"
Republican: "Because I was elected?"
Wilkos: "Wrong, assface! You were elected to continue the redistribution of OPM in the name of the Progressive World of Next Tuesday(tm)!"
Republican: "But my district doesn't want other people to take their money or freedoms..." with a quaver in his voice and fear in his eyes.
Wilkos, shouting, leaning in: "Listen up, assface! What people want doesn't make any difference whatsoever! Your job is to take as much money and liberty from people as you possibly can and you better get used to it! If you just roll over like the other Rethuglicans you can go to one of Pinch's parties, but of course you have to enter by the back door. And if you hurry up and vote to shut down that Limbaugh fellow, Pinch won't have to have his garden party at McDonald's."
I was wrong; the House Republicans refused to eat the crap sandwich and 11 Dems went over the wall to join them in voting against it. The scales are starting to fall from some of the eyes of those who thought ZerO was a new kind of politician. They're discovering there's nothing new about Obama, just the same old shit coming from a different asshole. Folks, at least the ones old enough to recall the early 1990s and before clearly, are starting to remember why they dislike the Democrat party. Most economists agree Pelosi's hors d'crap are not going to help matters at all. I guess the whole country couldn't stay stuck on stupid forever.
Unfortunately, Opiate, the vote was still 244 to 188...not close enough of a spread to really give me a lot of hope about a fair chance to defeat Demorrhoid initiatives nor getting our bills through that don't appeal to the party in power. They've got us by the numbers.
Commissar Theocritus
I mean, you can't trust a Made Progressive any more than you could get Marker's Mark out one of the boobs of Our Many Titted Empress, but we know how to handle that.After that one picture of the MTE someone posted on another thread, I wonder if the "T" doesn't really mean "testicled."
DDR Kamerad
Unfortunately, Opiate, the vote was still 244 to 188...not close enough of a spread to really give me a lot of hope about a fair chance to defeat Demorrhoid initiatives nor getting our bills through that don't appeal to the party in power. They've got us by the numbers.
Y, we knew that the Kleptocrats would likely win the vote because of the numbers. The thing is that Obama made a big show of trying to get the Reps on board for this POS and he failed miserably, so there's a big tomato stain on his "post partisan president" cardboard cutout. The other thing is that when this Piece Of Shitmulus bill ultimately fails to do anything but debase the currency, the Dummocraps bear the entire responsibility as Pelosi wisely shut the Reps out of the deliberations and not one of them voted for it.
I watch Jim Cramer's Mad Money at night because between the theatrics he has some sound thinking. He was pretty pro-Obama initially, not because he bought into the Hope & Change BS but because he is a pragmatist. I think Cramer has a fairly good grasp on what is wrong with the economy and what might fix it. Anyway, last night after the House passed fiscal gas, he was on telling people the Stimulus was a Porkulus and Obama had let them down, at least for the time being. I think a lot of other pragmatists that voted for Obama may be starting to look at things the same way. No, it's not going to move the jerks who think Obama descended from another planet but it may start to shake the faith of the voters who thought he could fix the economy. At this point, that's the best we could hope for.
{microphone on}
Comrade, I love your hat, it is soooo progressive! I presume it is made from the finest recycled materials..... you should be in line for a medel from Premier Obama for your service in promoting the important People's Hatmaking industry.
We representatives can pass legislation to strictly regulate population (other than immigration or course) then we will truly be a great country.
Bushilter's mistake with his checks to the people were they used the gifts from above to pay bills not consume for the good of the collective. We will not make that mistake. This stimulus will let the Gov't and neighborhood freedom fighters pay bills for they know better how to stimulate!
Soon only progressives will be allowed to procreate and they will possess the correct
But being Commissar in charge of Millinery would have one other wonderful benefit: You'd be in charge of tin-foil hats! That's like being Doctrinal Supervisor. You would get to chose the station from Saturn or Neptune that loyal comrades would listen to.
Marshal Pupovich
But those no good imperialists rethuglican thugs has haled action in the Senate! But not to worry, the Gang of 14 is promising to come to the rescue once again!{microphone off}
Y, the Gang of 14.... If they had only been at Munich in 1938, they could've said "Offer Hitler HALF of Czechoslovakia, Neville!"
Commissar Theocritus
DDR, would you care to be the Commissar in charge of Millinery? Not only your fine chapeau, but all the other chapeaux. Red Star's goons will need helmets with points on them, of course; and Bruno is thinking of branching out to a helmet with horns.But being Commissar in charge of Millinery would have one other wonderful benefit: You'd be in charge of tin-foil hats! That's like being Doctrinal Supervisor. You would get to chose the station from Saturn or Neptune that loyal comrades would listen to.
Hey now, just a minute! The manufacture of foil ushankas has been a project of mine for quite some months. After all, since there's currently no need for increased uranium supplies, we've had to expand and diversify our operations here at the Re-education Center.
Commissar Theocritus
DDR, would you care to be the Commissar in charge of Millinery? Not only your fine chapeau, but all the other chapeaux. Red Star's goons will need helmets with points on them, of course; and Bruno is thinking of branching out to a helmet with horns.But being Commissar in charge of Millinery would have one other wonderful benefit: You'd be in charge of tin-foil hats! That's like being Doctrinal Supervisor. You would get to chose the station from Saturn or Neptune that loyal comrades would listen to.
Yes! I will gladly accept the appointment...for the People[sup]tm[/sup]!
And I will see what materials are available at the PPPX for Bruno's horny hat. I think I have a colander and two spare "12 inches of Blue Barack" on hand.
Oh, and I will see about procuring the necessary headgear for the troops. It may be mandatory, anyway, seeing how the masses already have soft heads and have suffered much brain trauma already from bowing down and kneeling before the Big O (sound of trumpets, cowbells, disaffected honkies, and Ann Coulter being slapped with a Kielbasa, and everyone MUST bow down).
I haven't seen that much headbanging since the '80s.
Commissar Theocritus
DDR, would you care to be the Commissar in charge of Millinery? Not only your fine chapeau, but all the other chapeaux. Red Star's goons will need helmets with points on them, of course; and Bruno is thinking of branching out to a helmet with horns..But did we not already put Commissar Big Fur Hat in charge of Party chapeaus? Granted, Comrade DDR does have a flair for big hats, but Comrade Big Fur Hat eclipses even DDR's.
But why the conflict of interest? There is so much work to be done in tin-foil hats. All party members need one tin-foil hat for seeing a Michael Moore movie. Another tin-foil hat for watching The View. Another tin-foil hat for attending DNC meetings. And yet another tin-foil hat for reading The New York Times although I'd make that one, DDR, out of chewing-gum tin foil because it may not need to be durable.
This obviously points toward Selective Cranial Atrophy. A true Progressive can be shown that the surge in Iraq is indeed working and no matter the evidence, the true Progressive will deny it. But a true Progressive can be told by a man whose asset, whose only asset, is mellifluous tones and a few buzz words, that all will be well, the sun will rise 15 minutes later so we can get some more sleep, and the laws of supply and demand no longer matter, and any Progressive who puts on a barette will have his ears touch from the inside.
It stands to reason. As long as His O'liness is not in the room, when reason runs screaming out the door.
When your hat comes I expect it will be a bit uncomfortable, for a while, but then in true Hero Progressive fashion you'll get used to it. I can't tell you how many people I've known who have gotten used to it. To a lot of things. The ultimate in getting used to something is being dead, but that's another story and one well told by Uncle Joseph.
Your brain will pullulate with Party Approved Progressive Thought, and the PART will be transferred up to Laika's space capsule to be rebroadcast to other Progressives.
But there is a downside, I'm afraid. You'll have to watch Faux News and report on any trends. It will fall on you to show where dissent must be repressed.
For a Made Progressive can not longer expect to remain Made as long as there is someone who can offer another opinion. For any other opinion, I add in camera, would be fatal to a Made Progressive.
Ask Dear Leader or Dear Fidel. They know all about this.
Now pardon me, comrades. I have replaced all five toilets in Rancho de Rio Grande to not be the modern, elongated ones, but to be the older, O-shaped ones.
(off)
. . .Just look at Ted Kennedy!
And for purposes of keeping the masses in line (this is tier 3 of the Revolution's Plan for Social Control, along with porn, fast food, David Hasselhoff, and Air America--the next tier involves the People's Morale Enforcer[sup]tm[/sup], carried in a holster on every Commissar), I have developed the People's Beer Hat (patent pending):
www.ImageShack.us">
Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!Guaranteed quick results! See the glazed-over expression in this peasant's eyes!
Every collective overseer needs at least a hundred of these.
Of course Air America is such a success story. The Al Frankenstein Monster can't get a station in the People's Republic of Austin but he's able to buy all the necro-proxy voters he needs to get into the Senate. Now there's a man after my own heart.
And Hasselhof? Have you seen him jogging? Any silicone in those boobs?
In a recent raid we confiscated a large steamer trunk full of costumes and hats. One Trooper dressed up like Carmen Miranda and began the dance around singing CHICA CHICA BOOM CHIC. I wished I could say I was amused but psychotic, drugged up progressive troopers can be very dangerous, especially as they are armed.
As for the new steel helmets, the Troopers like the Pickelhauber, I do fear that they will attempt to play football wearing them. Some are stupid enough to attempt to sharpen the spike, but on the other hand this may not be entirely a bad thing.
Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality Inc
Director of kicking doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Keeper of the faith
Before you stick your hands (in your case paws) in there I strongly urge you find out what the liquid is composed of.
Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality Inc
Director of kicking doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Keeper of the faith
Next thing you know you'll be surrounded by Barbara Streisand howling, and since she's a good progressive, that ought to be fine. But she'll peel the enamel off your teeth.
I like the idea of the helmets quite a lot. Make sure that their chin straps are welded into place and they turn into a bayonet which they cannot lose.
I can see you keeping your goons in shape by having them joust with them--running at each other. The winner of the jousting tournament then gets to eviscerate unrepentant Rethuglicans who stand in the way of the Progressive World of Next Tuesday.
Platinum needles going directly into his brain which will be connected to a tin can of tomatoes.
Or as Grandpa Simpson put it so beautifly,
Hobo "Spare change ma'am?"
Abe (grandpa) "Yes, and you can't have it!"
(walks into a Socalist Security building)
Abe "I'm old, gimme gimme gimme!"
Such good progressives.
I think I see the big problem with liberal thinking all together, they fail to see the long-term outcomes. Think about it, the "stimulus" might stimulate the economy for a short time, but what happens in the long run? You have to find some way to pay off that borrowed money, which leads to government spending, which puts you back in a debt hole.
The old do worry about getting by. I've been very ill in my life and know the uncertainty of life. There were times that it took 45 minutes to rise from bed to get to the john. It took a half hour to move up in bed so that my feet (which I cannot feel) wouldn't press against the foot and thereby cause nerve pain. (The first nerves to die are pain nerves, next pressure nerves, next attitude nerves. I have no pain, which is great for gout.)
Nonetheless, they are greedy. I send back every AARP solicitation envelope that is prepaid empty. Just to cost the bastards.
Commissar_Elliott
I look at my pay-check from where I work (I won't say for privacy reasons), and I'm always suprised at seeing how much is taken out of it for the fedral portion alone, and I'm working at a low-end job. All I can say is more of it will go to the government with the Obamasiah in office, and a democratic Congress (they are the ones who come up with tax bills.)Do I detect a lack of patriotism there Commissar?
Commissar Theocritus
Try this article in The Weekly Standard. It's how to deal with a stimulus, a Keynesiean one, from a conservative view point.The old do worry about getting by. I've been very ill in my life and know the uncertainty of life. There were times that it took 45 minutes to rise from bed to get to the john. It took a half hour to move up in bed so that my feet (which I cannot feel) wouldn't press against the foot and thereby cause nerve pain. (The first nerves to die are pain nerves, next pressure nerves, next attitude nerves. I have no pain, which is great for gout.)
Nonetheless, they are greedy. I send back every AARP solicitation envelope that is prepaid empty. Just to cost the bastards.
I read that article you suggested, and as always (or so it seems) the democrats are just going to come close to ScrUBARing(ScrUBAR=Screwing Up Beyond All Repair) the situation. I like what it says, "When monetary policy reaches it's limits, fiscal policy must take priority." It suggested tax cuts and increase spending (I don't know if they were talking of private or government spending however); I don't see Congress or Obama cutting taxes. I get a yuck of the idea of sending back the AARP's letters if it's prepaid. Hahahaha. . .
Marshal Pupovich,
You would think I'm writing anti-Party propaganda and saying disloyal things, but the problem is, is Commissar Theocritus and I sometimes forget to say (off) character.
Me? I think it's peachy-keen.
When he's drunk or high he steals them and then you might get them back. But when he goes on a rampage he can, believe it or not, do more damage than Our Many Titted Empress with a tusk-ache.
However, I will believe you Theo if you say so.
With our MTE, she starts to huff and puff and she turns bright red. There is warning. You know it's not going to be easy. And while she's hyperventilating, you can move the crystal to another room.
And Comrade Keif is properly obsessed with "Obama's package," especially the "private parts," as you can plainly hear in this video clip:
It all kinda makes a tingle run up your leg, doesn't it?
Dr. Strangelove
Comrade Vlad, take heart, fore the unconquerable spirits of Comrades Matthews and Olbermann will continue as shining examples of how to properlyYes, they hit all the hard hitting questions did they not? We know how Obama feels about A Rod to boot now! Did you not love that question by what's her name, Maura Liason? The one that basically asked "If the rethuglicans were so obstinate about signing on to your wonderful stimulus package which has those wonderful tax breaks and critical for the survival of the country, how will they act when faced with some difficult bill?" I truly almost over tinkled!
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President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Bovine community outraged by flatulence coming from Washington DC
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
Server problems at HealthCare.gov so bad, it now flashes 'Error 808' message
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Dizzy with success, Obama renames his wildly popular healthcare mandate to HillaryCare
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
GOVERNMENT WARNING: If you were able to complete ObamaCare form online, it wasn't a legitimate gov't website; you should report online fraud and change all your passwords
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
DNC launches 'Carlos Danger' action figure; proceeds to fund a charity helping survivors of the Republican War on Women
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Obama: 'If I had a son... no, wait, my daughter can now marry a woman!'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Susan Rice: IRS actions against tea parties caused by anti-tax YouTube video that was insulting to their faith
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
White House: top Obama officials using secret email accounts a result of bad IT advice to avoid spam mail from Nigeria
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
Gosnell's office in Benghazi raided by the IRS: mainstream media's worst cover-up challenge to date
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
After Arlington Cemetery rejects offer to bury Boston bomber, Westboro Babtist Church steps up with premium front lawn plot
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
US Media: Can Pope Francis possibly clear up Vatican bureaucracy and banking without blaming the previous administration?
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Oscars 2013: Michelle Obama announces long-awaited merger of Hollywood and the State
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Kremlin puts out warning not to photoshop Putin riding meteor unless bare-chested
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and
other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Meek inherit Earth, can't afford estate taxes
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Obama attends church service, worships self
Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending
Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space
Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off
Obama Administration running food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"
Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
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