Image

News We Don't Have Time To Write About (archive)

Group Thinker
Iraq Insurgency Ends with Construction of Super Walmart, Labour Unions, and Crushingly Responsible Social Programs Paid for by Middle Class. Suicide Bombers to get free healthcare, prevailing wage, 20 hour work week.

User avatar
Reparations Movement Takes Aim at Largest Corporation that Benefitted from Slavery: The Democratic Party. Sues for 800 Billion Dollars.

User avatar
Cash Strapped Air America Applies For Federal Funding

User avatar
Majority of American School Children Can't Find United States on Map of North America

User avatar
Cindy Sheehan Celebrates 10th Copy of Her Book Sold!
Image Ms. Sheehan at book signing for her book Not One More Mother's Child.

User avatar
ACLU kicks off 6-6-06 celebrations by removing Christians from public property.

User avatar
NYT: We are disarming America, one column at a time.

User avatar
NASA: large concentration of trial lawyers migrating to Gitmo seen from space.

User avatar
Future 4th of July celebrations canceled due to fireworks contributing to global warming.

4th of July outlawed because dud fireworks kill.

User avatar
White House: Helen Thomas expected to be inducted as a living exhibit for the Museum of Natural History and White House Historical Society

Open https://politicalhumor.about.com/librar ... zombie.htm in a new window.

User avatar
MSM: new progressive dance craze "The Macaca" sweeping media outlets nationwide.

User avatar
NYT: Sources reveal Mercury to be "swift-boated" next by Administration.

The Bill Clinton Appreciation memorial opens in Sarajevo, Bosnians over come by swift end to Genocide under the Clinton adminastration. Many Protest Kiosk memorial of Monica Lewinsky claiming she stole the limelight from the over looked deaths of hundreds of thousands...Slobadon Melosavich widow grieves for Monica.
NYT Headlines

User avatar
Sandy Berger caught stuffing pants with edited 'Path to 9/11' footage.


User avatar
Pope refers to Islam as violent. Muslim response: Violence

User avatar
Pope refers to Islam as violent. Muslim response: Violence

And your point is??


User avatar
Congressional Democrats call for the resignation of all congressional Republicans.
"The Pages, the recent school shootings, our sacred civil rights shredded on the Right Wing alter of this George W. Bush personality cult - the country has been ruined by their leadership. We call for their immediate resignations," stated an anonymous Capital Hill source.

User avatar
Democrats press for investigation and invite Congressman Foley to become a constituent in sunny San-Francisco.

User avatar
"The Pages, the recent school shootings, our sacred civil rights shredded on the Right Wing alter of this George W. Bush personality cult - the country has been ruined by their leadership. We call for their immediate resignations,"

...I dunno how anonymous the source is with the initials N.P.

User avatar
Democrats press for investigation and invite Congressman Foley to become a constituent in sunny San-Francisco.

see above

User avatar
Congressional Republicans finally get some balls - tell Democrats "Screw you! You're goin' down!"

"The real story behind this Foley thing is something you'll never read in the news. The real story is about how a political party, the Democrats, have planned and conspired through months of preparation, to launch attacks just before the elections in order to confuse the electorate and try to create an air of scandle where none exists in order to intimidate the Republicans from voting at all. The real story here is about a political party that stands for nothing but lust for political power and the little kingdoms they can create with political power, that sees all issues through the prism of Party politics rather than the central issue "what is good for the nation?" and acts in such concert that it is obvious to even the most casual observer that their "Party" is more like a conspiracy of organized crime encompassing a top-down army taking what amounts to marching orders from a centralized cadre of Party elites. You so-called journalists, get some balls and relearn your "who, what when, where, why, and hows" and start being "journalists" instead of some kind of simpleton knee-jerk emotional reactionary of-use-to-no-one but other party hacks jokes worthy of nothing but jobs with Pravda or Granma," stated an anonymous Capital Hill source.

User avatar
ACLU: Treason Charges Against Adam Gadahn Violation of Civil Rights

User avatar
Democrats Propose Vote-by-phone Voting

User avatar
Margaret wrote:Democrats Propose Vote-by-phone Voting

Why not? Seems like an easy way to slant elections in our favor.

Vote early and vote often!

User avatar
Israel to Try President on Rape Charges Under Sharia Law.
Prosecution Looking For 4 Male Witnesses.

Stoning still scheduled for female victim.

User avatar
Laika the Space Dog wrote:Israel to Try President on Rape Charges Under Sharia Law.
Prosecution Looking For 4 Male Witnesses.

Stoning still scheduled for female victim.

Did she say Jehovah?

User avatar
Did she say Jehovah?

Yes, and it was one helluva Halibut.

There will be extra security to make sure there are no women in the crowd. I got a pretty good deal on some rocks from a street vendor who looked almost like Eric Idle.


https://www.pistolwimp.com/media/50510/

User avatar
Laika the Space Dog wrote:
Did she say Jehovah?

Yes, and it was one helluva Halibut.

There will be extra security to make sure there are no women in the crowd. I got a pretty good deal on some rocks from a street vendor who looked almost like Eric Idle.


https://www.pistolwimp.com/media/50510/

masterful...how funny can they get??


User avatar
Comrade Otis wrote:Castro is Dead but in Stable Condition

Following Comrade Otis' lead, we should start a "Castro is Dead" series:

Castro is Dead... and has registered as a Democrat to vote in the November elections.

Or, perhaps this variation:

Castro is Dead... and will be voting Democrat in the November elections.

User avatar
How about this -

Doctors: Dead Castro to vote Democrat in the November elections

In fact, why don't we introduce a new idiom?

Instead of saying "He kicked the bucket" or "He bought the farm" or "He's pushing daisies" we may as well say "he's voting Democrat."

Example:

Kennedy: "Would you give my regards to Andropov?"
Pelosi: "Haven't you heard? He's been voting Democrat for a few years now."
Kennedy: (drops his glass) "Oh my, was he ill?"
Pelosi: "The rumor says he was shot by Brezhnev's daughter Galina who was upset with the KGB taking away her dacha and other free government stuff. The poor bastard lasted only a couple of months after that."
Kennedy: "Couldn't she take him for a night ride over a bridge? Works instantly and leaves no mess. In a way I'm glad the old rascal is voting Democrat, although you must admit he would've been more useful to us alive."

User avatar
I hear Hughie Long is still registered and voting DemoKrat...and Dracula (even with the stake up his errr in his heart).

Robert Byrd to become Grand Wizard pro tempore of the Senate

User avatar
MSM: Rep. Charlie Rangel to reinstate "The Draft", thousands of beer enthusiasts gather in solidarity around his Congressional office.

User avatar
"Kramer" confesses addiction to rightwing talk radio; Blames racist outburst on "the merchants of hate: Limbaugh, Hannity, & Beck".

Rosie O'Donnell accuses herion addict of homophobia for refusing to share a needle with a man wearing a Barbra Streisand T-shirt.

Meanwhile, Clay Aiken is still gay.

User avatar
I heard this song playing on the radio while standing in line at the DMV and it just struck me as the most appropriate song to sum up the New Direction instead of using U2's "Beautiful Day". Just listen to it and I think you'll understand.

Democrats unveil Sarah McLachlan's “Sweet Surrender” as New Direction theme song.

( If the Cube had a theme song--what would it be?? Hmm, another competition in the works methinks?)

User avatar
New Evidence: Senator Tim Johnson Poisoned by Baloneyium 210 - Republicans Charged

User avatar
Senators Rockefeller and Snowe Demand Lord Monckton be Arrested, Imprisoned

"We can no longer allow anyone to question us. They are a danger to humanity and freedom."


https://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/12/ ... CM029.html

User avatar
Danny Bonaduce's New Book - "How to Speak to a Moonbat (if you must)"

User avatar
Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:If the Cube had a theme song--what would it be?? Hmm, another competition in the works methinks?

Good Chairman, one of my grad students, the aspiring hip-hop artist, Jihad E, has written just such a theme song (PPL³) and has posted the lyrics in the People's Songs section.

User avatar
REPOST of last year's Xmas headlines:

North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment

Scab elf bludgeoned while trying to cross picket line

Santa's sleigh grounded: PETA files animal cruelty suit against jolly old St. Nick

Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer

Rudolph publishes auto-biography, says shiny nose still cause for discrimination

----------------------------------

Oh No, Tannenbaum!: Eco-warriors liberate Xmas trees from brutal confinement in bourgeois homes

User avatar
AP: Rosie O'Donnell's flatulence linked to NYC gas odor.

User avatar
Close, but the real source was when she spread her legs, Meow. You were one hole away from the truth.

User avatar
Laika the Space Dog wrote:Close, but the real source was when she spread her legs, Meow. You were one hole away from the truth.

LOL! Oh my, I'm afraid I will not sleep now tonight, too many dirty images are flashing through my young untainted mind.

User avatar
U.S. botches strike against Somalia; troops fail to hit aspirin factory

User avatar
Laika the Space Dog wrote:Close, but the real source was when she spread her legs, Meow. You were one hole away from the truth.

eeeeewwwwwwwwWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

I smell gifelta fish :(

User avatar
Laika the Space Dog wrote:You were one hole away from the truth.
Next to Rosie we're all mini-golfers.
And please no gopher jokes.

User avatar
Al Franken quits Air America, decides to run for Senate. "At least I can force the tax-payers to pay my salary," Franken jokes.

User avatar
Hillary outraged as Obama, Edwards, Richardson and Kucinich all claim to fathering Anna Nicole's baby. Jesse Jackson still has yet to file a claim.

Eight-hundred senior citizens in good health pronounced dead in New Hampshire as Democrats begin early '08 registration efforts.

MSNBC ranked last again after falling behind the Golf Channel and the Geriatric Bingo-Night Channel.

User avatar
Hillary: "When I'm President I'm going to arrest and try David Geffen and make him pay for his crimes against the People and the State. And that goes for the rest of you traitors too!"

User avatar
In show of Democratic solidarity, Obama promises to 'purge himself' if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial for 'High Crimes Against the People'.

User avatar
New study shows that Earth's "fever" is contagious; Mars asks planets to kick "Greenhouse Mary" out of solar system

Moon says orbiting Earth "is just sooo lame"; Plans relocation to hipper, cooler planet


User avatar
And high corn prices have increased the price of masa, used for tortillas and tamales, in Mexico. How wonderful to starve people in Mexico so that they can come to America and vote for the Democrats who will give them food.

User avatar
Not really a headline; more of an aphorism:

People who live in GreenHouses, should not expel noxious gases!

User avatar
But if they are expelled into a video that the Academy likes, flatus can win an Oscar.


User avatar
Perhaps you recall the scandal about acid rain. A half billion was spent proving that it was not manmade. Some acidity came from rain onto limestone, but most of it came from formic acid, which was released when ants fight.

For this I propose midnight basketball for ants.

User avatar
Al Gore: The Financial Times is Just the Mouthpiece of the Oil Companies

User avatar
Theocritus: Algore is just the mouthpiece of the ghost of Lenin.

User avatar
Ghost of Lenin: Algore Will Do 'Til the Next Stalin Comes Along.

User avatar
Have you seen <i>The Omen</i>? I saw that when it first came out, in perhaps 1974 with parents, and my mother said, "Look at the hair on that child. Looks like a little Kennedy." I come by it honestly.

But Algore, Stalin, Swaggart, Torquemada--same song, different verse. But Swaggart doesn't have a cheering section at CBS and Harvard. And he's a lot more fun. McDonald's has a McSwaggart Burger--you buy it and watch someone else eat it.

And the puta who was paid by him to pleasure herself while he watched: "Jew mean dat man who cries on television and people give heem money? He geeves us money an I like dat."

The most honest one of the group. My heart warmed to her. She's an honest whore.

User avatar
I don't care to much for Swaggart but do like his cousin Jerry Lee... oh, and Jerry Lee's devil music... yes, I like that too.

User avatar
Devil music is redundant because Satan was the greatest musician, thus proving that MUSIC IS THE DEVIL!!! But of course science has already disproven all acts in the bible to be nothing but amazingly coincidental happenings, and pure lies, so indulge all you want!

User avatar
The good Premier wrote:so indulge all you want!

Indulge all I want??!!?? How dare you sir, how dare you throw your prolier than thou attitude in my face! I know you're hording rolls of toilet paper in your gas guzzling eco-limo... I know you're doing it! Even when the Party banned the use of any material on one's ass you are continuing to wipe! <sniff> <sniff> I can't smell a thing coming from your way... I know you're wiping! I KNOW IT! How many trees had to die this week so you could stay fresh and clean, huh?!? HOW MANY TREES HAD TO DIE!!!!

User avatar
Premier Betty, have you forgotten that it is the policy of the cube that truth is what we say it is? If it seems to be a lie, that means that we're not saying it enough. After all, repetition makes truth. Facts are an inconvenience. Global warming? A lie, surely, but see the traction we've gotten? And appearance is all and we shall make sure that appearance is all, if people are not educated, or educated beyond their intelligence, such as Algore. For if people are cool or uncool, not right or wrong, then anything is permitted if it sparkles enough. Ask a magpie after a bit of tin foil. Or an Afghani child going for a brightly colored landmine.

The piety of Global Warming and no economy? A child with no hand? Same thing.

And since we define truth, we have torn down all gods, secular or religious, from all pedestals to jump on them ourselves. And since others might see what we have done and try to do it themselves, we must make sure that they cannot. For our biggest enemies are not the unwashed fools, for they are fools, but our acquaintances, in on the con, knowing how it works.

Lenin signed death warrants happily for White Russians and Democrats, but agonized over the murders and deportations--the creative murders--of the artists and thinkers, insuring that no one could say that the emperor has no clothes, destroying a country's soul.

All hail Lenin! Now that fellow knew his apples.

User avatar
Meow, if a bear shits in the woods and doesn't use any paper, does Cheryl Crowe hear about it?

Gee. I hope I spelled her name right.

User avatar
If a bear shits in the woods and doesn't use any TP, he/she is given a scholarship to the university of his/her choice and is showered with awards for being Earth friendly. We have a lot to learn from the bears, comrades. Especially the polar bears who are drowing as we speak so Betty can wipe his ass.

User avatar
If the bear chooses a scholarship to Vanderbilt, it can finish the law degree that Algore dropped out of taking, or the dinivity degree that he flunked out of. And then the bear can marry a very silly woman who will call the ghost of Frank Zappa on the carpet to rail about words on music albums and have Zappa say, "Lady, it's by a group named Black Sabbath. What do you think is going to be inside?"

Then the bear can have a child and name it after a Russian novel, but not quite. Say, Dr. Chicago.

Yes. I'm liking it, Meow. Let's all shit in the woods and rub the shit all over ourselves and then go frolick in Laurie David's bed.

User avatar
Commissar Theocritus wrote:Let's all shit in the woods and rub the shit all over ourselves and then go frolick in Laurie David's bed.

I rather not... I don't want to get whatever is on Laurie David's bed all over me... it could be alive for all we know... and deadly.

User avatar
Nah, she's killed it. And anyway, it wouldn't survive the trip in her Prius--from which she yells abuse at people in SUVs, while she hires a Gulfstream to fly to LA. "Can't bear the common people in first class, you know. Not out sort."

But an idea struck me. If Global Warming™ is really changing things so fast, doesn't it follow that evolution is happening fast too? Well, I want it so it is. To hell with reality if it conflicts with ME. Since evolution is happening so fast, and it is because I say it is, then Laurie David could be a bear turd laid in 1975. A talking coprolite.

User avatar
Cropolite? Isn't that a Darwin awful low calorie beer that the Party has been pushing since the late 70's?

User avatar
A coprolite is a fossilized turd--think of Nanski's face. But I look at her and think that someone repossessed the collagen injections. And if I went on about what she might be like underneath the clothes, I'd have you walking on my side of the street.

Therein lies my evil. The abililty to taunt non-believers with the idea that they too could win a weekend between the sheets with Nansky, Our Many Titted Empress, Ellen, Barbara, Barbra.

Do you realize that some people actually would like that? I wonder if they bring their own whips.


User avatar
Ah. No doubt she was the winner of the Camel Cup outside Ridyadh. Prince Bandar rode in his Mercedes to watch the camel jockeys--quite literally true--in their national sport of camel racing. I've seen it with my own eyes.

Ah the speed. The form. And the personalities of the camels. When they are standing, that's what they want to do. When they're sitting, that's what they want to do. They can spit in your face 10 feet away. Let's run them for Congress.

I wonder if the same couturier who does Our Many Titted Empresses dresses to hide her cellulite-farm thighs could do the same magic for a camel's hump.

But Margaret, you have opened my eyes. This may change <b>my</b> luck.


User avatar
Omar the bomb-thrower wrote:cross worshipping occupiers...
Now I've heard of cross-dressers.

And no doubt Harry Reid is the House Majority leader when his meds aren't working. Sometimes he gets messages from Saturn in his bridgework.

I've got it! It was the voices that told him to get into that real-estate deal.



 
POST REPLY