News We Don't Have Time To Write About (archive)

Carney calls Obama vacation "Stimulative"; estimates it will create 4 million jobs
 

Countdown to Jobs plan: only 8 more vacation days until "Glorious 5-Year Plan to Create Jobs" revealed to fawning public
 

Obama vacation quote: "The thought of so many unemployed Americans, who are trying so hard to make ends meet in the face of Republican obstructionism, caused a few tears to fall into my lobster bisque"
 

Biden: "Don't worry, the country's in good hands while Obama is on vacation!"; in completely unrelated news, the DOW sheds 1,500 pts.
 

Joey Vento (of Geno's Phillysteaks, and the troublemaker Patriot who refused to sell his cheesesteaks to anyone who didn't order in "English") dies of a massive heart attack while awaiting surgery for prostrate cancer at age 71.
He will be sorely missed!
 

Administration in panic as unauthorized Hurricane Irene threatens to shut down DC for a few days, allowing nation to run itself without express authorization and appropriate permits
 

New White House economist charts the Obama recovery upward like a hockey stick, cites Wall Street tree ring data
 

Obama jobs plan: employ all Americans to create jobs plans in new Federal Department of Job Plans
 

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-08-3 ... erger.html

Gov't blocks AT&T/T-MOBILE merger, cites "insufficient 2012 campaign donations"
 

AT&T and T-Mobile attempting to merge denounce Sprint and Verizon as "scabs", Justice Department as "union-busting".
 

Ninth Circuit dismisses all steroid related charges against Barry Bonds

Quantum leap in size and strength in late 30's now attributed to "delayed onset of puberty"
 

Obama throws out all legislative precedent, demands Congress "pass this speech now"
 

Obama issues signing statement on his latest speech.
 

The American people of New York and Nevada to Obama: we won
 

As Wall Street begins to resist occupation, Left reconsiders the phrase Vive la Résistance!
 

Obama hires Communist Party of the Russian Federation as consultants. Cites their track record of success!
 

Obama confuses Russian embassy with that of the USSR.
 

Adults try to tell OWS there is no socialist Santa Claus, Occupy Wall Street vows to continue waiting, demands more free chocolate chip cookies and milk
 

EPA to collect carbon tax on coal left in naughty childrens' stockings this Christmas.
 

31 years ago today at 10:50 pm EST John Lennon was shot dead.


 

Sarah Palin indicted for putting the gun in the hands of the Hollywood shooter.
 

UN Security Council passes resolution condemning Christmas as an insult to Islam

Placing the Prophet Jesus on equal footing with Allah, as if Allah needs a partner, deemed "Shirk" (idolatry) and "Jahilliyah" (ignorance)
 

Chaz Bono to become father!!

Unidentified lesbian woman artificially inseminated with synthetic Chaz Bono semen created by the Human Genome Project

Sonny Bono still unavailable for comment
 

Honolulu city council OKs 20 story pagoda to be built on top of USS Arizona memorial

Obama praises gesture as key to combatting "rising tide of Shintophobia" in Hawaii.
 

NAMBLA condemns "pedophobic backlash" caused by recent Jerry Sandusky "scandal"

As gesture of outreach to pedophilic community, Penn State Board of Regents re-instate Joe Paterno as head coach
 

Grieving Obama's cut vacation short to honor Kim Jong-il's memory
 

Obama visits local elementary school, makes further recess appointments.
 

Obama warns country, don't be conned by the empty political sloganeering of the Republican candidates.
 

"From each according to their fair share, to each according to their fair shot." ~ Obama, on the campaign trail
 

And On The Seventh Comeback, Whitney Houston Rested.
 

Combination of the drugs and other prescription medication mixed with alcohol do indeed remove "dignity" contrary to singer's claims.
 

In a show of socialist solidarity for Obama's Pond Scum Program, Representative Maxine Waters changes her first name to "Stagnant"
 

Jesse Jackson praises George W. Bush for greatly expanding Food Stamps coverage.
 

Obama, on why drilling for more oil won't affect it's price: "Supply and demand is just bumper sticker economics."
 

Breitbart Died From Liberal Complications.
 

My Liberal Slut For A Daughter Is A GeorgeTown Graduate Overachiever!
 

Kathleen Sebelius dictates gas stations offer fuel at no cost to college coeds struggling with reproductive health issues.
 

Margaret

Kathleen Sebelius dictates gas stations offer fuel at no cost to college coeds struggling with reproductive health issues.
Perhaps we can change Obama's view on "drilling"?What is needed is a new government program showing females how they can get a college education for free!
 

Fluke to Congress: Drill, Baby, Drill!
 

Ivan Betinov

Fluke to Congress: Drill, Baby, Drill!
Thats it!LOLOLOLOLNow where the hell is my damn prog off switch?Oh krikey...I dun shitith my britches.Concept stolen I might add! :-)
 

Weatherman Across Nation Seek to Make Good on Promise of 7" Tonight In Sandra Flukes' County!
 

In an effort to get Limbaugh off the air, Obama will tour the EIB studio and give Rush a 450 million dollar Green Energy loan.
 

"I'm not forcing central planning on the US economy," president Obama explained, "I'm just centrally planning the US economy."
 

New DOE project to investigate possibility of harnessing Georgetown Law School sex drive as Green Energy source.
 

Thousands die as Food Deserts sweep across Midwest.
 

Dead voters vow to go on sex strike until they win contraception justice. John Edwards channels Ted Kennedy at mock Democratic hearing on dead voter's reproductive rights.
 

Carbonite changes name to "Diamonite" as crashing stock prices apply heat and pressure.
 

People's Cube gives itself an A for it's advice to energy czar Chu on economics, gas prices, Next Tuesday
 

Margaret

People's Cube gives itself an A for it's advice to energy czar Chu on economics, gas prices, Next Tuesday
Thanks, Margaret! Posted today, with certificate!

http://thepeoplescube.com/peoples-blog/ ... t8645.html
 

Referring to the decision as a normal routine government function Health Czar Sebelius prohibits the manufacture, sale, and transportation of intoxicating liquors in order to save taxpayers money on health insurance, cites numerous studies.
 

Breaking News: Snoop Dogg cancels White House visit. Rumored to be hiding in an undisclosed location in fear for his life.
 

Pelosi vows to fix 1st Amendment "like we fixed health care."
 

Occupy Tehran movement protests inequality of women in Iran, abject poverty, persecution of homosexuals, overbearing role of religion in government, manipulations of elections, nuclear weapons, and military industrial complex fueling hostility towards Israel.
 

Feds crack down on more cheap back alley black market colleges, denounce the butchers of education robbing the youth of their future.
 

If the war on terror is over, why are we still being screened at the airport?
 

Today's crowded Obama fundraiser ended in disaster as the gleaming new alternative energy factory the president was dedicating suddenly fell over on the crowds, revealing that it was actually nothing more than a humongous cardboard cutout.
 

The New York Times died last week, no one noticed.
 

Supreme Court at the beginning of the day: Send in the clowns, I mean Verrilli!
 

"Farewell voting law" - allowing candidates to claim votes of deceased voters for up to six months after deaths - among Democrat-sponsored legislation this year.
 

Obama's most self-effacing joke at the Correspondents dinner "I've become famous for killing things: jobs, health care, the economy, dogs ... Osama bin Laden" didn't garner as many laughs as expected.
 

Michelle: My stick is bigger than Barack's
 

Scrapping the "Forward" campaign slogan Joe Biden rang in the latest slogan with a cowbell shaped like the President's head. "More Obama!" the crowds yelled as the vice president played the cowbell like a rock star.

The Obama campaign hopes to sell millions of Obama cowbell heads to replenish its sagging war chest and revitalize the youth vote.
 

Addressing the troops at Bagram Airbase in Afghanistan Obama banged on an Obama-head cowbell shouting "More Obama!"
 

Asked how he will deal with contempt of congress charges Attorney General Eric Holder held up a Obama-head cowbell and shouted "More Obama!"
 

Dems poised to roll out "Arbeit Macht Frei" and "America, Erwache!" campaign slogans if "Forward" fails to gain traction.
 

Massachusetts Democrats: We are all Cherokee now!
 

WE ARE JULIA

BUT WE DIDN'T KNOW OUR PLACE
 

Mitt Romney promises to give Turtle Bay back to the Indians on his first day in office.
 

Spurred by poll suggesting Romney lead, Obama endorses gay marriage; predicts come-from-behind victory.

(Yes. It is sophomoric humor, if it even qualifies as humor. It just pisses me off that this jerk thinks the American Public is stupid enough to think this is anything other than a cynical exploitation of a hot-button issue.)
 

Obama supports states' rights for states that agree with him.
 

Obama's new stance on gay marriage finally sews up the Hollywood vote but American Muslims have yet to express their opinion.
 

Charlotte changes its name to "Chaz" in hopes of retaining Democratic Convention.
 

To stem criticism of his stance on same-sex marriage, Obama speaks in favor of polygamy. Campaign begins selling "My four mommies support Obama" onsies.
 

Pow Wow Chow, the book by Elizabeth Warren's cousin cited as evidence that she is an indian, turns out to be a book of ideas for indian themed cocktail parties.
 

San Francisco sues grocery stores for allowing customers to use mandated reusable bags citing the recent norovirus epidemic caused by mandated reusable bags
 

Cherokee Nation demand their stolen high cheek bones back
 

Obscure dying woman, Harriet Johnson, swears on her death bed Obama is her son Lionel Washington Johnson, made up his past, always was a bad boy
 

White House touts Middle-Class Joe Biden as their Middle-Class tribe minority; tales of Middle-Class tribe ancestry and ancient hamburger-helper recipes passed down many Biden generations
 

Obama appoints the first bi-polar staffer as well as an openly schizophrenic czar. Wants to be known as "The First Mentally Ill President"
 

Sandra Fluke announces she's allergic to latex. Cites the need for Obamacare to remain legal to pay for her much needed medications.