Czar Czar
Carney calls Obama vacation "Stimulative"; estimates it will create 4 million jobs
Czar Czar
Countdown to Jobs plan: only 8 more vacation days until "Glorious 5-Year Plan to Create Jobs" revealed to fawning public
Czar Czar
Obama vacation quote: "The thought of so many unemployed Americans, who are trying so hard to make ends meet in the face of Republican obstructionism, caused a few tears to fall into my lobster bisque"
Czar Czar
Biden: "Don't worry, the country's in good hands while Obama is on vacation!"; in completely unrelated news, the DOW sheds 1,500 pts.
Che Gourmet
Czar Czar
Administration in panic as unauthorized Hurricane Irene threatens to shut down DC for a few days, allowing nation to run itself without express authorization and appropriate permits
Margaret
New White House economist charts the Obama recovery upward like a hockey stick, cites Wall Street tree ring data
Czar Czar
Obama jobs plan: employ all Americans to create jobs plans in new Federal Department of Job Plans
Czar Czar
mi
AT&T and T-Mobile attempting to merge denounce Sprint and Verizon as "scabs", Justice Department as "union-busting".
Callmelennie
Ninth Circuit dismisses all steroid related charges against Barry Bonds
Quantum leap in size and strength in late 30's now attributed to "delayed onset of puberty"
Margaret
Obama throws out all legislative precedent, demands Congress "pass this speech now"
Groucho Marxist
Obama issues signing statement on his latest speech.
Margaret
The American people of New York and Nevada to Obama: we won
mi
As Wall Street begins to resist occupation, Left reconsiders the phrase Vive la Résistance!
Zampolit Blokhayev
Obama hires Communist Party of the Russian Federation as consultants. Cites their track record of success!
mi
Obama confuses Russian embassy with that of the USSR.
Margaret
Adults try to tell OWS there is no socialist Santa Claus, Occupy Wall Street vows to continue waiting, demands more free chocolate chip cookies and milk
Ivan Betinov
EPA to collect carbon tax on coal left in naughty childrens' stockings this Christmas.
Superkommissar Maksim
31 years ago today at 10:50 pm EST John Lennon was shot dead.
mi
Callmelennie
UN Security Council passes resolution condemning Christmas as an insult to Islam
Placing the Prophet Jesus on equal footing with Allah, as if Allah needs a partner, deemed "Shirk" (idolatry) and "Jahilliyah" (ignorance)
Callmelennie
Chaz Bono to become father!!
Unidentified lesbian woman artificially inseminated with synthetic Chaz Bono semen created by the Human Genome Project
Sonny Bono still unavailable for comment
Callmelennie
Honolulu city council OKs 20 story pagoda to be built on top of USS Arizona memorial
Obama praises gesture as key to combatting "rising tide of Shintophobia" in Hawaii.
Callmelennie
NAMBLA condemns "pedophobic backlash" caused by recent Jerry Sandusky "scandal"
As gesture of outreach to pedophilic community, Penn State Board of Regents re-instate Joe Paterno as head coach
Margaret
Grieving Obama's cut vacation short to honor Kim Jong-il's memory
Ivan Betinov
Obama visits local elementary school, makes further recess appointments.
Margaret
Obama warns country, don't be conned by the empty political sloganeering of the Republican candidates.
Margaret
"From each according to their fair share, to each according to their fair shot." ~ Obama, on the campaign trail
Navigator
And On The Seventh Comeback, Whitney Houston Rested.
Navigator
Combination of the drugs and other prescription medication mixed with alcohol do indeed remove "dignity" contrary to singer's claims.
Navigator
In a show of socialist solidarity for Obama's Pond Scum Program, Representative Maxine Waters changes her first name to "Stagnant"
mi
Margaret
Obama, on why drilling for more oil won't affect it's price: "Supply and demand is just bumper sticker economics."
Navigator
Breitbart Died From Liberal Complications.
Navigator
My Liberal Slut For A Daughter Is A GeorgeTown Graduate Overachiever!
Margaret
Kathleen Sebelius dictates gas stations offer fuel at no cost to college coeds struggling with reproductive health issues.
Navigator
Ivan Betinov
Fluke to Congress: Drill, Baby, Drill!
Navigator
Navigator
Weatherman Across Nation Seek to Make Good on Promise of 7" Tonight In Sandra Flukes' County!
Superkommissar Maksim
In an effort to get Limbaugh off the air, Obama will tour the EIB studio and give Rush a 450 million dollar Green Energy loan.
Margaret
"I'm not forcing central planning on the US economy," president Obama explained, "I'm just centrally planning the US economy."
Ivan Betinov
New DOE project to investigate possibility of harnessing Georgetown Law School sex drive as Green Energy source.
Ivan Betinov
Thousands die as Food Deserts sweep across Midwest.
Margaret
Dead voters vow to go on sex strike until they win contraception justice. John Edwards channels Ted Kennedy at mock Democratic hearing on dead voter's reproductive rights.
Navigator
Carbonite changes name to "Diamonite" as crashing stock prices apply heat and pressure.
Margaret
People's Cube gives itself an A for it's advice to energy czar Chu on economics, gas prices, Next Tuesday
Red Square
Margaret
Referring to the decision as a normal routine government function Health Czar Sebelius prohibits the manufacture, sale, and transportation of intoxicating liquors in order to save taxpayers money on health insurance, cites numerous studies.
Laika the Space Dog
Breaking News: Snoop Dogg cancels White House visit. Rumored to be hiding in an undisclosed location in fear for his life.
Margaret
Pelosi vows to fix 1st Amendment "like we fixed health care."
mi
Margaret
Feds crack down on more cheap back alley black market colleges, denounce the butchers of education robbing the youth of their future.
Margaret
If the war on terror is over, why are we still being screened at the airport?
Margaret
Today's crowded Obama fundraiser ended in disaster as the gleaming new alternative energy factory the president was dedicating suddenly fell over on the crowds, revealing that it was actually nothing more than a humongous cardboard cutout.
Margaret
The New York Times died last week, no one noticed.
Margaret
Supreme Court at the beginning of the day: Send in the clowns, I mean Verrilli!
mi
"Farewell voting law" - allowing candidates to claim votes of deceased voters for up to six months after deaths - among Democrat-sponsored legislation this year.
Margaret
Obama's most self-effacing joke at the Correspondents dinner "I've become famous for killing things: jobs, health care, the economy, dogs ... Osama bin Laden" didn't garner as many laughs as expected.
Ivan Betinov
Michelle: My stick is bigger than Barack's
Margaret
Scrapping the "Forward" campaign slogan Joe Biden rang in the latest slogan with a cowbell shaped like the President's head. "More Obama!" the crowds yelled as the vice president played the cowbell like a rock star.
The Obama campaign hopes to sell millions of Obama cowbell heads to replenish its sagging war chest and revitalize the youth vote.
Margaret
Addressing the troops at Bagram Airbase in Afghanistan Obama banged on an Obama-head cowbell shouting "More Obama!"
Margaret
Asked how he will deal with contempt of congress charges Attorney General Eric Holder held up a Obama-head cowbell and shouted "More Obama!"
Ivan Betinov
Dems poised to roll out "Arbeit Macht Frei" and "America, Erwache!" campaign slogans if "Forward" fails to gain traction.
mi
Margaret
Margaret
Mitt Romney promises to give Turtle Bay back to the Indians on his first day in office.
Ivan Betinov
Spurred by poll suggesting Romney lead, Obama endorses gay marriage; predicts come-from-behind victory.
(Yes. It is sophomoric humor, if it even qualifies as humor. It just pisses me off that this jerk thinks the American Public is stupid enough to think this is anything other than a cynical exploitation of a hot-button issue.)
Ivan Betinov
Obama supports states' rights for states that agree with him.
Margaret
Obama's new stance on gay marriage finally sews up the Hollywood vote but American Muslims have yet to express their opinion.
Ivan Betinov
Charlotte changes its name to "Chaz" in hopes of retaining Democratic Convention.
mi
Margaret
Pow Wow Chow, the book by Elizabeth Warren's cousin cited as evidence that she is an indian, turns out to be a book of ideas for indian themed cocktail parties.
Margaret
San Francisco sues grocery stores for allowing customers to use mandated reusable bags citing the recent norovirus epidemic caused by mandated reusable bags
Margaret
Cherokee Nation demand their stolen high cheek bones back
Margaret
Obscure dying woman, Harriet Johnson, swears on her death bed Obama is her son Lionel Washington Johnson, made up his past, always was a bad boy
Margaret
White House touts Middle-Class Joe Biden as their Middle-Class tribe minority; tales of Middle-Class tribe ancestry and ancient hamburger-helper recipes passed down many Biden generations
Groucho Marxist
Obama appoints the first bi-polar staffer as well as an openly schizophrenic czar. Wants to be known as "The First Mentally Ill President"
Groucho Marxist
Sandra Fluke announces she's allergic to latex. Cites the need for Obamacare to remain legal to pay for her much needed medications.