Hell freezes over; global-warming deniers exploit incident to mislead public

Terror trial in New York ends in guilty verdict to America; Khalid Sheikh Mohammed T-shirts outsell Che Guevara by 300%


Nobel Peace prize awarded posthumously to Neville Chamberlain; 'only now is his genius apparent,' says Committee

Climate hasn't officially changed since 2008 election of Obama, but experts promise imminent catastrophes if Democrat is not elected next year

UN votes to restore Pluto to planet status; industrialized countries to send reparations and humanitarian supply of own air proportionally to GDP

Harvard researchers find new proof that national deficit of $500 trillion is Bush's fault

Tax Dept. announces new tax on taxpayers who resist taxation on existing taxes

Last living Republican succumbs to euthanasia; few even remember the name of outlawed party in post-political era beyond 2030

India's consumers annoyed by broken Hindu spoken at US-based call centers

Hollywood studios: John Wayne, Gary Cooper, and Humphrey Bogart to be airbrushed out of all movies and replaced by Matt Damon, George Clooney, and Denzel Washington

Microsoft releases Windows 2100 to fix bugs found in Windows 2099, 2098, 2097, and 2096

Public education reaches important milestone as all New York schools report 100% identical test scores in reading, writing, and arithmetic

Male silverback gorilla elected to serve on PETA board of directors; feminist gorillas resign in protest

Britain outlaws use of the word 'Britain' as jingoistic and discriminatory

Supreme Court declares 1st Amendment unconstitutional because 'it was enacted without input from minorities in violation of the Equal Protection clause of the 14th Amendment'

National Endowment for the Arts awards first prize to sculpture of US Constitution in bucket of urine

New York’s Metropolitan Museum bans all works on canvas as 'offensive to canvas-less cultures' and 'inimical to progressive modes of thought'

Dan Brown publishes new installment of The Obama Code , in which Tom Hanks discovers that Barack Obama’s mother was African-American and her alleged 'whiteness' was a ploy concocted later by Fox News revisionists

Man gets 10 years hard labor for starting a business in competition with government services

Bethesda, Maryland community welcomes new 100-acre palatial complex to house the 89 czars and their 800,000 staff members

It's Ramadan time and British Prime Minister Jacqui Smith once again prepares to be raped in the House of Lords by Muslim peers as a manifestation of their grievances

Iceland declared pariah nation for failure to live up to UN racial diversity standards

As Iran resumes missile bombardment of European cities, EU intensifies pressure on Israel to dismantle settlements

White House: Air Force prepared to nuke random American city to show Iran we’re serious about peace

Airlines show profit as crashes with affirmative-action pilots down 20% from last decade

Native population of Paris grows from 8 to 9 percent; chief imam of France warns of Muslim backlash

Junior school teacher found guilty of abuse for failing to educate students on dangers posed by heterosexual relations between consenting adults

Code Pink denounces Stalin as 'insufficiently progressive' due to 'lack of interest in the plight of the transgendered'

Court faces hate-crime quandary as Hispanic teen attacks gay man protesting construction of mosque

Former CEOs of tobacco companies executed; hunt is on for mayonnaise manufacturers

Chicago Olympics threatened by advancing glaciers; police rounds up local global-warming deniers as a preventive measure

60-member Congressional Muslim Caucus sets new time record of 'uninterrupted seething' by remaining in this state for a period of three months

Court rules to dismantle US beef industry, convert barns and pens into rest homes for elderly cows, bulls, and the transbovined

Northern Minnesota community refuses to accept Maoist history textbook; National Security battalion moves in to “restore tolerance”

Necrophiliacs demand marriage rights; gravediggers’ union threatens walkout

First transgendered mute paraplegic pygmy to win Miss America

Rhode Island converted into wind farm; new electricity generated is expected to serve all of Cape Cod

Eight year-old boy faces charges of violating the Children’s Civil Rights Act of 2016 for failing to meet diversity quotas in playground game

CIA under fire for forcing prisoner to spend eight hours in hotel room with no Internet service

Sixty Minutes reveals: Winston Churchill was illegitimate child of English mother and Kenyan alcoholic father

Quarterback suspended from NFL for fondling his female center

Vermont court outlaws construction boots as offensive to women and minorities

Congress fills healthcare budget gaps by selling all 'unnecessarily complicated' medical equipment to Burkina Faso

Embittered by divorce, Nobel Committee Chair Barack Obama threatens to retract all ten of Michelle Obama’s Nobel Peace prizes

Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History



Special thanks to AWOL Civilization for help with compiling headlines from the future

Government program ends as its intended goal has been achieved

Moveon.org decide to actually move on

Gay and Lesbian leaders declare abstinence best protection from AIDS

Labor Unions admit to artificially inflating national cost of living

Peace activists enraged over terrorist attacks

United Nations: capitalism best cure for hunger and poverty

Amnesty International supports US effort to end tyranny and corruption in Africa

Ass whooping discourages teen from 'doing it again'

Another cold, snowy winter threatens survival of struggling Global-Warming-Industrial complex

Environmental groups switch focus from communism to environment

Technological progress: nature's only chance

Democrats: Social Security is a pyramid scheme

Union leaders agree to wages determined by free market

Michael Moore gets a real job

France thanks US for saving ass... twice

Ariana Huffington closes failed blog, enters convent

Hollywood movie paints a favorable image of Senator Joe McCarthy

Mainstream Media apologizes to Americans for decades of bias

Chuck Schumer speechless


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