Activist Lawsuit: God Guilty of Malicious Climate Change

Fight against climate change has taken a new dimension Monday as a new legal defense group, Spiritual Lawyers Against Natural Disasters (SLAND), initiated international class-action litigation against God for the environmental destruction and Global Warming that has resulted from acts that He has caused to occur. "For many years enviro-activists, spearheaded by Al Gore and financed by trial lawyers, have been pointing to human greed, oil industries, and Western capitalism-based societies as the main causes of Global Warming," said SLAND lead attorney and Executive Director, Peacedove Handwring at a press conference. "While all these factors are a fine cause for international insurance litigation, the primary culprit of climate change that is more powerful and more difficult to deal with, has so far escaped attention of our lawyers. That culprit is God."

~

Mt. St. Helens: May 18, 1980 was the day that produced more "greenhouse gasses" than any single event in human history. In that 24-hour period, more toxic pollutants were spewed into the Earth's biosphere than any single day, week, month or year before or since. And it had absolutely nothing to do with humans

"Over thousands of years, God has been producing so-called 'natural disasters' that have caused many times more pollution and carbon-dioxide emissions than anything man could even conceive," P. Handwring explained. "Yet He has been effectively absolved from any responsibility from our current plight. With the advent of The SLANDers, the free pass afforded to God is going to come to a decisive end."


"Impeach God! We must do it for the children!"
Peacedove Handwring, lead attorney and
Executive Director of SLAND, among supporters.

Pressed for specifics, Ms. Handwring provided some compelling examples to support her claims:

"May 18, 1980 was the day that produced more global-warming emissions than any single event in human history. In that 24-hour period, more toxic pollutants were spewed into the Earth's biosphere than any single day, week, month or year before or since. And it had absolutely nothing to do with humans: it was the eruption of the volcano known as Mt. St. Helens in Washington.

"We in the progressive environmental movement had little to say about this, because most policy experts and scientists dismissed this as a 'natural disaster.' But who is ultimately responsible for supposedly 'natural disasters' such as this? Only one person: God.



"Furthermore, as we allege in our federal complaint, God has been singularly responsible for the repeated ice ages that have plagued the Earth since He supposedly created it, each of which was followed by periods of global warming. We consider it eminently unfair that during these unnatural temperature cycles, so many species could not adapt and went extinct. After all - who is He to play... God!?"

Responding to critics who claim that the SLANDers are pursuing a legal dead-end by suing God, Ms. Handwring said: "It is beyond dispute that we in the progressive community have mastered the art of using the law, schools and public news media to advance anti-industrial, anti-freedom, anti-capitalist, and anti-human perceptions and values. But while we have focused on factories and automobiles and the like, we've allowed God - the most grievous violator of our right to a clean environment - to not face the responsibility or consequences for the fact that He has been the primary cause of Global Warming.

"Consider other supposedly 'natural disasters' that also contribute more to global warming than humans ever could. Lightning strikes a forest and it goes up in flames, belching clouds of toxic materials into the atmosphere. Until now, we chalked it up to a 'random occurrence.' But who is really responsible? That's right - God.

"We at SLAND are now going to marshal and focus our legal skills, and all the resources at our avail, to expose this travesty, and to finally hold God accountable, both in a court of law, and in the so-called 'court of public opinion.' Then, and only then, will we be able to deal with the real cause of so many needless deaths of humans, animals and plants," Handwring said.

The first stage of SLANDers' campaign will be massive public demonstrations by the most notorious enviro-activists who have protested throughout the world over the past 40 years. Ms. Handwring's convincing PowerPoint presentation gave the assembled journalists a preview of what may be coming to a park, shopping mall, or public school near you:

Anonymous members of the newly-forming "SLANDers Loonbat Protest Brigade"

As of this time, God was unavailable for comment. One of God's spokesmen, St. Ernest, however, issued the following statement: "While God certainly respects Ms. Handwring and her fellow attorneys at SLAND, at the moment He is too busy trying to deal with the insanity of religious wars occurring throughout the world to respond to her accusations as fully as He'd like. We are, however, in receipt of the SLANDers' discovery motions, and will be responding to them at our earliest opportunity. And although we aren't sure which court would have jurisdiction in such a cosmic matter, God is eagerly looking forward to defending both Himself and human freedom against SLANDers' allegations."

Adapted for the People's Cube
from Jon Quixote World blog

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HOW BAD IS GOD'S CONTRIBUTION TO CLIMATE CHANGE? Every year about 60 volcanoes erupt. The following eruption magnitude scale - called the Volcanic Explosivity Index or VEI - is based on a number of things that can be observed during an eruption. VEI Description Plume Height Volume Classification How often Example 0 non-explosive < 100 m 1000s m3 Hawaiian daily Kilauea 1 gentle 100-1000 m 10,000s m3 Haw/Strombolian daily Stromboli 2 explosive 1-5 km 1,000,000s m3 Strom/Vulcanian weekly Galeras, 1992 3 severe 3-15 km 10,000,000s m3 Vulcanian yearly Ruiz, 1985 4 cataclysmic 10-25 km 100,000,000s m3 Vulc/Plinian 10's of years Galunggung, 1982 5 paroxysmal >25 km 1 km3 Plinian 100's of years St. Helens, 1981 6 colossal >25 km 10s km3 Plin/Ultra-Plinian 100's of years Krakatau, 1883 7 super-colossal >25 km 100s km3 Ultra-Plinian 1000's of years Tambora, 1815 8 mega-colossal >25 km 1,000s km3 Ultra-Plinian 10,000's of years Yellowstone, 2 Ma Source: University of North Dacota

I'm not sure if the SLANDers Loonbat Protest Brigade Official Globe Piñata that woman is holding is supposed to be ironic or sincere, but either way, I find it disturbing... and yet I have an irrational desire to beat it mercilessly with a bat...

YAY! Candy!

I never realized that God lived in a cheap apartment and looked like a 60's hippie trying to adapt to a life in modern times after time traveling into the future.

It's the Sahara all over again.  When will His greed be satisfied?

That's what I was thinkin', until I realized the Loonbats wouldn't eat processed sugar and the damn thing would probably be filled with carob and granola cluster... Which made me want to beat them mercilessly with a bat...

New York Times - Richard Dawkins and Daniel Dennett, famed pseudoscientist and pseudo-pseudoscientist, submitted an amicus brief in support of SLAND.

"Too long the world's people have suffered from the delusion of 'God'," the brief states, "This is only the latest in a long string of abuses that 'God' has perpetrated upon humanity. 'God's role in catastrophic climate change should encourage the US to ban all religious content immediately, taking the lead for a world which is more and more quickly throwing off the chains of 'God' in all 'his' forms and submitting to the easy yoke of Darwin. After all, our research has shown that the concept of 'God' is scheduled to exist no longer by 2050 (though alas, this is after the date that our research has shown the earth's atmosphere will heat to the point of combustion), so there is no point in maintaining this despicable psychological crutch. Unless, of course, we need a scapegoat."

While Dennett expressed dismay to this reporter that SLAND still embraces the shamefully un-Bright title "spiritual", he granted at least that this was preferable to theo-fascism of an organized religion.

In order to be truly progressive, one must place the blame squarely (or cubely) where the blame lies - with those Zionists. (Shhhh, we can't say Jews because we're not antisemitic. The Jews are OK, but man, those Zionists . . .) After all, who was it that first proposed monotheism? Yep, that's right. So in a way, we can attach this series of crimes against the environment to the Zionists' rap sheet. After all, they can be thought of as the press agents for God! They are at the very least, accessories to the crimes.

Hmm... I like where you are going with this, GSG - I really do like where you're going with this. Yes, I agree (in all my infinite wisdom and knowledge, naturally) that the Zionist Imperialist Cosmo-Nazis (who are trying to colonize space before we do) are CUBELY to blame for this latest outrage! With that said, I will also like to state for the record that the Christians are also to blame... there is enough blame to go around and once Her Excellencies Colosseum of Hope™ is built, we will then see how the Zionist and the Christians fare against lions! BWAHAHA! BWHAHAH <cough><cough> BWAHAHA!

It's for the children.... It's all for them! We love you Comrade Goodspaceguy Nelson!

A very nice touch indeed, Mis! Just as we are to ban all industrial activity on the premise that it causes global warming, we must also ban God and His religious institutions for exactly the same reason.

And yes, G.S. Ghost - since Zionists are the press agents for God, they are clearly an accessory to this greatest of all crimes against humanity.

Note to self:
SEND AHMADINEJAD NOTE TO CHANGE RHETORIC: ACCUSE JEWS OF ORCHESTRATING GLOBAL WARMING. PROGRESSIVE COMMUNITY WILL SUPPORT. BOMB ISRAEL, THEN RECEIVE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE WITH AL GORE FOR JOINT EFFORTS TO END GLOBAL WARMING.

Wait... I'm confused... was it Jews or Zionists that proposed monotheism... and do we hate monotheism, or do we hate Richard Dawkins (who I think isn't such a bad scientist, though not logical as he is a rabid atheist and logically, and therefore scientifically, you cannot prove the non-existence of something)... I just want to know if I have to hate myself of not... and if I'm purged, who will clean up the mess... Just trying to be a good Kommissar...

xoxo
SMO...

SMO, when in doubt, blame the Jews. It's been working for the Palestinians for almost 60 years, and it revived the fortunes of former bottom-of-the-barrel president Jimmy Carter.

As for hating, we modern progressives don't hate. Only hateful, intolerant, racist, oppressive conservatives hate. We only . . . we . . . um . . . we speak a higher truth, a nonhateful truth . . . and um . . . hey, somebody help me out here.

Oh, and Red Square, great plan. It will fool moose and squirrel for sure.

So, now we know who is really responisble for sunspots! We should have known!

Well hell... someone shoot me now... Pravda - you're gonna hafta do mop-up duty... Meow... sorry but your sheets aren't out of the dryer yet... It was nice while it lasted boys...

<Yis-gadal v'yis-kadash sh'mey raba...>

Quote

Oh, and Red Square, great plan. It will fool moose and squirrel for sure.

Where is boom?

Ban God! Ban God's Zionist flunkeys! Ban industry just for good measure! Ban funding of scientific research by anyone but the government (to protect against trumped-up industrialist global warming denial)! Ban Ray-Bans! Wait, what... ?


This is what happens when one identifies with any group of humanity other than the Party! But never fear, I will register my proposal with Our Beloved Leader that a simple course of re-education will do.

It ain't me, baby... they stamped it on my papers...

This is a perfect inversion of the classic "Who created God?" argument. Congratulations, sister!

As for everything else - do I sense a dangerous relapse of thinking?

One man's pseudoscientist is another man's seminal researcher. Once you grasp that idea, everything else will fall into place. When in doubt, think of the People's Inventor Comrade Al Gore. Whose hard line would he toe?

"Science" is everything that advances the clock of the Revolution closer to midnight. Now, why would you hate Richard Dawkins if you admit that he is a rabid seminal researcher? Culture wars include fighting against all traditional institutions of the Western culture, including religion. And what kind of religion is that? It's a monotheistic religion. So it must be destroyed.

Now, advanced students of Marxism know that historically and philosophically speaking, monotheism was a more progressive worldview than polytheism, as it was a step up in advancing human knowledge of objective reality. But for the unwashed masses, monotheism should be presented as dirty, oppressive, sexist, patriarchal, and degenerate - as opposed to the progressive tree-worshipping religions of hunters-gatherers. That's why praises must never stop for the most important book of our time - The DaVinci Code!

This progressive "novel" portrays monotheism as a step down from the earlier worship of the sacred feminine, which existed in balance with the masculine. Together, they both yielded the beautiful peace and harmony that the world enjoyed for thousands of years until some evil male chauvinists, through insidious propaganda, murder, threats, and brainwashing, imposed the degenerate monotheistic religion which excluded the sacred feminine - and that was the beginning of the horrid 2000 years of testosterone-driven wars which will continue until we wake up and begin to worship the sacred feminine again: Hillary Clinton.

Though hardly scientific by any measure, The DaVinci Code is exactly what the masses need to read today: about how DaVinci was a hunter-gatherer, along with Victor Hugo and Sir Isaac Newton - they all worshipped the sacred feminine!

(If anyone else needs technical assistance in restoring and reinforcing tongue-in-cheek techniques, try using lollipops).

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! We can't hold God responsible for crimes in this past century.  He is at fault for every single weather-crime since the beginning of time.  What about the progressive souls of Sodom and Gomorrah?  Those people were more progressive than what societies would even about being for thousands of years! Proof: According to some books, they made sure that everyone was equal (literally! They would squash those that were too tall, and stretch those that were too short). They also shed their gender identities, as God Himself wrote in His Self-Published Book.  And what did He do?  Weather Crimes! He made sulfur rain from the sky, are we gonna let Him slide on that one?!

I AM THE WINNER!!!!
... oops...
... f**k...

<gasp!> The Lenin Code! I almost forgot! <vomits>

Ah, the Lenin Code story... Wait, we'll post a few more Global Warming stories, then we'll unveil the Lenin Code...

Hokey Smoke! Look what I missed while I slept. And it's God's fault that we need sleep. How can we plan for the overthrow of the evil capitalist regime if we're unconcious for one-third of the day? This will be the next lawsuit.


SMO, reciting the Mourner's Kaddish over yourself can lead to a bad precedent. For example, had I performed my own bris, my children today might be even more unusual than they are. Of course, I don't see them much since, as a good progressive, I am letting "the Village" raise them.




One man's lollipop is another man's sucker.

Well that certainly explains the difficulty with my recent self-trepannation... it's like trying to cut your own hair in the back... At least this time I remember to use a hole saw and not a flat boring bit - the time before that was just embarrassing, scrambling around for something to cover the hole, and just try to use tin snips when your brain's exposed...  it's like trying to cut your own hair in the back... and now there's the constant necessity of degauzing, the embarrasment of  setting off of store alarms... the radio interference (though somehow Laika always comes through loud and strong)... But even with the hole saw, it's mighty difficult to work in the mirror... like trying to cut your own hair in the back... but as Betty was busy with the Nixon clones all weekend... what's a girl to do? It's like trying to cut your own hair in the back... but at least this time... I think I have to get my hair cut in the back... sorry... what?

... actually...  shouldn't joke... Sorry Laika... forgot about nasty Hoffman Halo calibration and necessitating incident, whereas my self-trepanning is strictly for amusement...

What is Lenin Code... am waiting to hear about Lenin Code... You know how I feel about code... have dreamt of code for keeping contact when Kanadistan wall is built... wished for decoder ring and Enigma machine with many pretty brass wheels and buttons to push - Red and Chairman know this... I hope is not like Da Vinci Code - I do not wish to think of Tom Hanks or naked fornicating Gnostics... though now that I think of it, with Meow involved is concern... I don't mind thinking of Audrey Tautou, often, but is very distracting... Please... When will we hear about Lenin Code?

This just confirms the suspicions I've had all along.  God sucks.

I think I figured out the whole problem... WHO, in God's name, authorized the publication of these?!?

  +       +     =
 

GLOBAL WARMING!!!

And then, just to confuse things they mixed animals into the picture... The first edition was just for idiot animals to psychically communicate with each other....

...

... but after a number of human idiots complained about feeling left out, and the publishers realized that animals didn't do stupid shit like this, they put out a second edition for idiot humans to psychically communicate with animals... I don't even want to consider the potential implications...


The animal books are funny. They lend themselves to joking and hold the potential for much hilarity.  However, there's something about a book called The Idiot's Guide to the Sun that strikes me as inherently dangerous on any number of levels... It's just plain irresponsible, really...

                               
                        (pretty fire! ahh... it burns!!! SUN BAD!!!)

BTW Chairman, I'm sorry, but there was no guide to appliances, though there was one for remodelling one's bathroom.... and one for Jerusalem... OH! HELL NO!!! <whacking forehead>...
     

Excellent point. Which leads us to...



Now I know what our next Global Warming story is going to look like...

Always knew Al was too "white-bread" for spicy food... He needs a soundtrack... How 'bout "Ring of Fire"...

... and always remember, it was his lovely wife Tipper who was so keen to label and 'limit' song lyrics in the 80's... I think it's called a very advanced sense of morals... isn't it?

Someone beat ya to it, SMO.

http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/home/daily/site_020607/content/01125104.guest.html

Yeah... but Rush thinks it's because the Democrats will bring about the Rapture...

Do you get Rush up there in Kanada?

Speaking of bloated capitalist lackey LIES LIES LIES... I think - and I'm thinking because I care - that The People need a proper word to counter-balance the decadent, exploitive, hate-filled and...uhhh... hate-filled "MegaDittos" that is used as a greeting by Limbaugh listeners. So far we have "pro-active, sporks and spoons!" for a rallying cry... now we need a greeting... something that sums up our progressive wisdom... something... uhhh, something... something good, yeah, something good.

A professor for our cause was talking of him (Limbaugh)the other day, said that most of his anti-progressive-capitalist-loving friends are narrow minded for not listening to the party approved mass news media and listening to an enemy of the people.  The professor is an expert on my current subjects including the war (he has written several articles to the newspaper for the cause.)

Rush is da worst enemy of The Party™ and, by extension, of The People™. I have to listen to him almost every day to keep updated about what the enemy is up to. Only because of that - and what did YOU think? But that activity is for the Party elites only. The People™ shouldn't be allowed to listen to Rush because The People™ are weak intellectually and spiritually (which is why we are always guarding them against harm, the biggest harm being Rush). He's the kind of a motormouth who delivers more sense and hilarity in 3 hrs than some progressive broadcasters don't deliver in their entire careers. AND THIS IS WHY WE NEED TO INSTITUTE "FAIRNESS IN BROADCASTING™!" We need to dilute his intensity with some lukewarm inanity coming from a puny-minded weak liberal who will get equal time and equal pay.

Who would be the best pair for Rush if they are forced to work as a duo? Maher? Colbert? Garofalo? Franken? We'll need to keep a teem of psychiatrists and intensive care units standing by at all times to prevent breakdowns and meltdowns. But that's a show I'd pay dearly to see.

Preparing for the advent of the FAIRNESS DOCTRINE™ we must prepare a worthy co-broadcaster for Rush who won't easily break down, who would be as flexible, as reliable, and as fuzzy as a doomat!

WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?

Hmmm, this is a question that must be answered immediately and in direct proportionate response - WE (The Party) MUST HIRE A COLLECTIVE TO COUNTER RUSH! Yes, one progressive mind is not enough to silence this monster, no, we must have multiple progressive minds screaming collectively into the mic. to counter this hideous beast of falsehoods and lies!

We will need: The NYT, WaPo, BSNBC, CNN, Mike Malloy (cloned of course), all of Air America, parts of California, Laika and the entire Munchkin Village from The Wizard of Oz to make broadcasting "fair" again.... yes, there is no other way. IT MUST BE DONE FOR THE CHILDREN! THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!

Damn!  I was hoping he'd forget (I'm holding out for The Crazy World of Arthur Brown for the Global Warming theme song.  http://homepage.ntlworld.com/gary.hart/lyricsb/brown.html)

Anyways....what's all this about God????  People, don't you remember that as Young Pioneers and Octobrists,  you were shown Grandfather Lenin gives you candy when you ask, but God or allah or whoever gives you nothing?  Religion is the OPIATE of the people. Global Warming is the Daily Truth! [/img]

Doesn't he say something like "conversationalists across the fruity plane" or some such mildy-pithy and clearly prescription drug-induced phrase?... Well... I can come up with something mildy-pithy and prescription drug-induced... that's my speciality...

If you want something more formal and pehaps even marshall, you could give a "Salute to those within the Cubist Sphere" or if you wanted something more warm and inclusive, you could "send a Group Hug around the Cubist Sphere"... which is kinda nice and non-judgemental... Saluting might provoke competition over who could receive 'more' salutes... it's congratulatory, which might be misconstrued in such a way as to provoke thought-crimes of winning... but group hug just makes everyone feel good...  

Of course, there's the ubiquitous 'Star' that our re-edukators give us stickers of for good work and which is such an honoured symbol!... You could send "A Red Star Around the Cubist Sphere"... that way you praise everyone equally and inclusively, AND unite them in a cause...

I am concernd about the idea of looking for a Cube equivalent of Mega-Dittos or Ditto-heads... Don't we already have The Party Faithful and The People.  It disturbs me, Chairman, to think this would not be enough.



Certainly, the Fairness Doctrine dictates such, but I don't know if Mulva or the Mime are available... Doesn't the Mime already have a well-paying gig impeaching people?  I know, I know... one can always line one's pockets a little more for the cause.  Maher is to individual... Colbert is too full of himself... Garofalo will simply get into endless semiotics conversations with him, or try to, and the whole thing would devolved into a "what?"... "what?" back-and-forth... And Franken is just to odd sounding and looking for Rush not to simply make fun of him and I don't believe that Al would be able to stand up to it - he'd just run off and write a book and end up on a tour...

No... I believe we must look to the past... to tradition.  It is my strong belief that we must bring back Aaron Brown!  He is the anti-Rush... and while he may get teary-eyed at things in the outside world, he can take care of himself.  He can be intellectually-grounded when Rush is making frat-boy jokes... Dignified when Rush is inciting inappropriate mob-like or Ditto-head behaviour... he is soothing where Rush is abrasive.  Plus, it would validate his failure to maintain his media place if he were to come back... and validation of failure is almost as good as not competing at all!

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts,
SMO

isn't there someone voting Democrat out there we can prop up next to Rush?

Would this voter happen to be dead or alive?

can't read? I said "voting Democrat" didn't I??

heh...hmmm...I GOT IT!!! PAUL WELLSTONE!!!

I don't know... I'm leaning towards Bobby Byrd... oh wait... nevermind.

where are the dachshunds?

I thought Aaron Brown was a fully enfranchised necro-proxy... you mean he's not dead?

http://www.deadoraliveinfo.com/dead.nsf/bnames-nf/Brown+Aaron
still kickin'

well hell... that site just got bookmarked... LOL

Phil Donahue is a good pick...he has that "Mr. Magoo" appeal to him that The People™ just love. How can Rush hurt a poor defenseless Mr. Magoo type? How I ask!? John McLaughlin works too, he has one foot in the voting booth and it won't be long till he pulls that pearly lever.

hehe fun to just go shopping for necroproxies once in a while

Meow wrote:

you mean "Phil Donahue is a good prick", right??

No, Phil doesn't have a "prick" - he's transgendered, Pravda... he had to sell what he had to some Chinese organ harvesting triad to have money to eat for a night (it's sad really, poor guy can't get any work other than turning tricks in some San-Franny back alley). Ah yes, I remember it as if it were yesterday... or three weeks ago... or was it a year ago? Hmmm

<flashback>

I was in my limo with Dr. P and Yuri...yes, we were all going to a swanky new sex toy shop in the Castro district when we came across a mildly aged man in pumps and a red cocktail dress.. the man was stoned out of his mind when he attempted to clean the windshield with some soiled newspapers and a bottle of Jim Beam. Hmmm, yes, it was a sad sight when we saw it was Phil, we all knew he was "let go" at MSNBC after his show flopped - but never in our wildest dreams did we expect The Party to cast him away like yesterdays airbrushed counter-revolutionary. I remember Dr. P shouting drunken obscenities at poor Phil, and then rolling down the window to throw a handful of change at him. It was a shame, especially when Phil fell to his knees to collect the coins... to his dismay they weren't real coins but instead tokens that me and Dr. P accumulated at Chuckie Cheese's the previous night (They hold an annual orgy for Party Elite in the ball pit... followed by ski-ball and video games afterwards... I happened to win a stuff animal with my tokens that night.) <sigh> Poor Phil; I hope he gets back on his feet and off his knees soon... to see such a sight reminds you that The Party will not tolerate failure.


That is why I think Phil and John should co-host the Rush Limbaugh Program so that they may both be remembered for something...anything...they're desperate, HAVE PITY! HAVE PITY ON THEM!

10 meanie points for Meow *Yay*

I stand corrected...salute!

Da, but would this not be ecologically damaging for the Bat's? (Do they come out in the daylight?)
Power to the troddendown and switch hitting Republicans screwing up the Democrat nomination process. Nothing like a good Putsch.

Comrade Rush has perpetrated greatest hoax of all while secretly pretending to dislike AHE he has sent mind numbed robot Publicans out to vote for her as guise for defeating her. Makes perfect sense to Party Faithful who never show any sense  question the wisdom of the party leaders.
Power to the Troddendown and Time Magazine editors with too much time on their hands.