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Hillary silent about connection between her Healthcare plan and the Skull & Bones Society
Hillary: Some people have skeletons in their closets, I just have Hsus
Hillary distances self from Rush Limbaugh but not from his Operation Chaos: "I can no more disown him than I can disown the crossover Republican voters"
Rhett Butler Clinton and Scarlet O'Clinton's house in ruins. Plantation empty. New supply of undocumented workers expected soon
Truthers: "Clinton bomb threat was an inside job"
2007
Dixie Chicks win big at music awards
Mein Carter wins for Best Spoken Word at Grammies
Evoking Lincoln, Obama announces candidacy, plans to invade and burn the South if elected
Putin takes break from rebuilding Iron Curtain to declare "US wants to dominate world"
Al Gore unveils new term "hot snow"
Gore: "the higher the snow, the greater the Global Warming effect!"
Hillary Clinton clams she is father of Anna Nicole's baby, millions of campaign cash on the line
Dems let imam lead prayer at Nat'l Committee Meeting, pledge submission, change name to 'Dhimmicrat' Party
Democrats warn that new Bush Iraq strategy might lead to victory
Americans break charity records by donating in direct proportion to international dislike of USA
"I am the most powerful woman in America!" - Chuck Schumer
Defeated by Ethiopians, Islamic radicals promise only to attack wealthy, politically correct, guilt-ridden, White middle class countries
Volksrocket: Amazon billionaire Bezos creates spaceship for the masses. Soon to be distributed to the masses on Oprah
Al Gore: Denver meteor shower result of galactic climate change
Chomsky blames meteor attack on Earth's expansionist policies: "Earthlings had it coming."
Toyota builds car that detects drunk drivers; special New York models also to detect trans-fats, tobacco, firearms, political affiliation & thoughtcrime
Greenpeace sends activists to the sun to protest growing emission of heat
American people mourn death of former US President; American media mourns death of former Iraqi dictator
Ethiopia emerges as world's only superpower capable of defeating Islamic radicals
African liberals support Ethiopian troops but not their mission
Local chapter of Code Pink takes to the streets of Addis Ababa
Ethiopian Neo-cons come out of the closet, embrace Bush doctrine
Democrats make a selfless collective effort to pretend they genuinely liked Gerald R. Ford
God to James Brown: get on up here!
Putin set to announce next year's election results this Tuesday
Charlie Rangel: US Armed Forces must have an equal representation of the wimps, the nerds, and the geeks
Rangel 's plan to reinstate 'The Draft' draws support of beer enthusiasts
MSM: a week after Dem victory economy booms, climate cools, Ozone hole shrinks
Democrat leaders and al-Qaeda agree to wage constructive, bipartisan jihad
Pelosi and Bush sign non-aggression pact, vow to subdue Hillary by 08
K-Fed and D-Feld get the boot
Robert Byrd to become Grand Wizard Pro Tempore of the Senate
Dems take house. Also car, salary, portfolio, and whatever else you got they can tax
Al Qaeda claims bloody October election campaign a success
Media and Democrats "get a room"
Media unveils instant success story: Democrats achieve 4.4% jobless rate, 12,000 point DOW, shrinking deficit, and improvements in Iraq all in one day, just by showing up
Democrats promise to work in bipartisan fashion with House Republicans. In other news, farmers plan to work in bipartisan fashion with turkeys this Thanksgiving
AP: Many overseas welcome Democrat victory
Experts: Democrats to win 435 House Seats, 100 Senate Seats
Democrats could win hands down by promising that embryonic stem cells will cure STD: Study
Doctors: Landis has more testosterone than the entire DNC
Andrea Yates not guilty, Jeffrey Dahmer a misunderstood victimKofi Anan: 1300 Katyusha rockets not disproportionate enough
Historians: Victory disproportionately awarded to victors
UN and Europe celebrate as Israeli military casualties mount
MSM: Did Hezbolla inflict disproportionate casualties on Israeli troops?
Bumper Stickers You Won't See
Venezuela: new international welfare program to allow poorer dictators obtain better weapons
To each according to his needs: Chavez builds up military in arms race against himself
Taliban compete for Darwin Awards as they continue to have asses handed to them by US military
US troops: Taliban dumbest opponent since Dodo
Dutch troops slaughter 18 Taliban last weekend with tulips
MSM : troops in risk of developing "kick ass fatigue" syndrome after months of pounding the Taliban
Murtha: troops in Afghanistan must undergo hunter ethics training, wear bright orange camo
Al-Maliki: I will agree to denounce Hezbolla if US Democrats agree to denounce Marxism
UN now officially John Bolton's bitch
Radical accountants chant "Debt to America" as IRS coffers swell
June - July 2006
ACLU: kidnapped Israeli soldiers not covered by Geneva Conventions
As Republicans scrutinize "obscene profits" of Big Granola and Big Tofu corporations, Democrats push for new Granola, Tofu, and Organic Produce Agency to regulate markets
NY Times: Bush finds cure for cancer; healthcare workers to suffer massive layoffs
Secretary Gutierrez: illegals good for economy, outlaws good for law enforcement
4th of July fireworks fly higher than North Korean missile
North Korean missile launch to be featured in new "Keep that spark alive" commercial by Viagra
NASA: large concentration of trial lawyers migrating to Gitmo seen from space.
New York Times: disarming America one column at a time
JD POWER ranks self #1 in customer satisfaction among customer satisfaction rating services
AP: terrorist plans to build schools, hospitals, and animal shelters hampered by lust to avenge Zarqawi's death
US military forces shatter al Qaeda's efforts to restore peace and stability in the Middle East
Rove uses mind altering beam to overcome prosecutor Fitzgerald
Bill makes surprise secret visit to Hillary's bedroom
Palestinian frustration: no functioning government, virtual civil war - and still can't knock Iraq off the front page
National Enquirer: Zarqawi meets 72 Rosie O'Donnel virgins
Poll: most Americans would like to see a video of Paris Hilton's house bombed next Linguists: mass media used more words "but" and "however" in the last 24hrs alone than during the entire Clinton presidency
Jack Murtha launches Operation Troopwatch
MSM: we kick troops when they're down
Lawyers to Marines: killing civilians is the exclusive right and privilege of Muslim freedom fighters
Experts: as Iraqi military steps up Zarqawi may switch terror tactics to telemarketing
Al Qaeda ponders public image with week of deep thought and introspection
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza. Never! * * * In other news: US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in Iraq
Scientists: Hispanic and Muslim groups in US face increasing danger of being pandered to death
Cindy Sheehan celebrates 10th copy of her book sold!
Operation Chamberlain: Europe offers Iran a reactor
Labor Unions agree to wages determined by free market
RELATED STORIES:
MIT Professor sells "Che" toasts on eBay ------------------------ MIT Professor caught using institute's laser in a scam to make 5,000 "accidental" Che toasts
Senator Durbin apologizes to Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot
Germany rebuilds Berlin Wall to spite Bush
Homosexuality found on other planets
UN: World has 15 years to stop capitalism
Proctologist puts finger on causes of liberalism ~
France : another day without surrender
Survey shows men who work more earn more. Liberal economists baffled
Researchers: abortion not as much fun as previously thought
Supreme Court rules to end US presence in Washington DC
Dyslexic liberal activist attacks fish stall for selling halibut
Bill Clinton explains Big Bang theory to preschoolers
The Village Voice finally runs out of anti-Bush headlines
Bush plan to clone Karl Rove exposed
War in Iraq worsens from quagmire to effluvial morass
Bush's tax cuts linked to iIncrease in cancer rate worldwide
Government program ends as its intended goal has been achieved
Mainstream Media apologizes to Americans for decades of bias
Moveon.org decide to actually move on
Michael Moore gets a real job
Hollywood movie paints a favorable image of Senator Joe McCarthy
Gay and Lesbian leaders declare abstinence best protection from AIDS
France thanks US for saving ass... twice
Ass whooping discourages teen from "doing it again"
Environmental groups switch focus from communism to environment
Peace activists enraged over terrorist attacks
United Nations: capitalism best cure for hunger and poverty
Amnesty International supports US effort to end tyranny and corruption in Africa
Technological progress: nature's only chance
Because this is a communal project, you must pick your individual brains and copy/paste your findings here. Remember that the Party knows everything already, so your contributions will only remind us of what already existed in the depths of our collective consciousness (also known as Groupthink).
Europe admits socialism causes economic stagnation. Looks to US for free market guidance.
Iranian Mullahs realize theocracy untenable. Turn power over to the people.
President of Million Mom March uses personally owned handgun to defend her life. No longer thinks right of self defense a privledge only for the rich and white.
Terrorist tries to hijack plane with nail clippers. Beaten to death by old lady with a big handbag.
Ward Churchill hit on head by falling, frozen poop; no longer self-hating cracker.
(Actually quite nice now...)
Ariana Huffington closes down failed blog, Enters convent.
Hollywood will no longer remake classic movies. Seeks original ideas instead.
Senate passes bill requiring all professional athletes to take steroids. Golfers inexplicably and violently agitated.
Foxs news only 49% fair but is 51% balanced.
Dan Rather descends into bottomless pit: Red Staters not surprised.
African leaders realize that significant economic and political reform only viable solution to African Human catastrophy. Call for free and democratic elections.
Labor Unions admit to artificially inflating national cost of living. Apologize and agree to wages determined by free market demand.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Could Terrorism Actually Be Causing More Invasions?
And Other Headlines You Will Never See
BBC LONDON - Radical Islamic clerics worry that the US may be using al-Qaeda as a recruiting tool.
NEW YORK TIMES WASHINGTON - Senate Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) travels to Fallujah today to urge insurgents to deploy car bombs using cleaner, more eco-friendly hybrid vehicles.
Al JAZEERA SYRIA - With US invasions up 200% since 2001, many Arab leaders now wonder if Saddam's policies were responsible for the increase in pre-emptive US military actions.
REUTERS PAKISTAN - Madrasas were empty today as students marched upon Arab capitals chanting "Bin Laden Lied and Kids Died" while carrying signs demanding an end to violent extremism.
Le Monde FRANCE - Parisians of all ages took the streets this Memorial Day in somber recognition of American sacrifice during the 1st and 2nd World Wars. "Thank You, America. Your fathers and grandfathers will not be forgotten," said President Jacque Chirac in an address to hundreds of thousands grateful French citizens.
ABC WORLD NEWS SERVICE
CAPETOWN - Senator Kennedy Flew to South Africa today for treatment of chronic alcoholism. Confirming speculation surrounding his departure, he spoke to reporters briefly before entering the private rehab facility. "It's time I took responsibility for my actions. It's time I sober up and begin apologizing to everyone I've hurt." Kennedy is expected to retire immediately to begin this mammoth undertaking.
Thank you for your recognition. It is truly an honor.
In the spirit of collective good, my next 5 posts will be riddled with grammatical errors, tedious, and boring. I would hate for others who are less enlightened to feel threatened by my journalistic prowess.
H.A.A.R.P. (High frequency Active Auroral Reaserch Program) is a project that the Pentagon is working on in Alaska that is supposed to beam 1.7 billion watts of electricty into the ionosphere to manipulate weather, and knock out electronic communications.
Saddam Writes Childrens Book - Wins Pulitzer Prize - Announces He Has Redeemed Himself - Hollywood Flocks to His Side - "With his new childrens book, 'Poor Little Arnok Will Never See His Parents Again', Mr Hussein has redeemed himself of all his crimes against humanity." says Jesse Jackson. "He is now an innocent man." Joan Baez and The Christian Peacemaker Teams! link arms and sing We Shall Overcome outside the courthouse.
NYT despairs the Republican culture of corruption that the Abramoff scandle has exposed.
In other news NYT praises the honesty and political integrity of maverick senator Patty Murray (D) WA, for refusing to return $40,000 in contributions connected with Abramoff. Her spokesperson explained: "The money wasn't from Abramoff, it was actually from the tribes he represented. Mr Abramoff was merely hired to give Patty the money. It wasn't actually from him."
Muslims around the world protest caricatures of Muhammad wearing a bomb as a hat by bursting into hotels in search of foreigners to take hostage, chanting "death to France" and "death to Denmark" and vowing vengeance and painful death to all of Islam's enemies.
Cartoon icons Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck taken hostage by Islamic extremist. Terrorist group demands Europes unconditional surrender for offensive cartoon. France complies.
John Dean testifies at Senate Censure Hearing today to bash Bush and shamelessly promote his new book "Worse than Watergate", Democrats applaude loudly in support.
Worldwide leftist anti-Western Civilization proponents, US MsM and academe, Pples' socially-responsible scientists, gays for social justice and jihad-ez admit:
"Okay okay, so there is some pollution coming from communists' China, India, mid-east, EU, Eastern-Europe, Far-East contributing pollution to earth, but it's all still the fault of the USA!"
Leftists and democrats will gather along US borders in efforts to rescue misguided illegal immigrants by warning them that there are no opportunities in this land that is vastly polluted by SUVs, filled with racists and homophobes, evil worker-exploiting capitalist, low-wage jobs, ruthlessly governed by "nazis and neocons", whackos who demand law, order, a belief in a higher and just power, and white people, so it is much safer to remain in their own countries.
Progressive comrades - democrats, leftists, academics, brokebutt cowboys, and jihadez -declare: "Our progressive mission will not be complete until the USA is no different than any third-world village!"
Comrade leftists, democrats, academics, brokebutt cowboys, and jihadez to modify revolution: "Our progressive mission emphasizing re-distribution of capitalists' wealth out of the USSA will now be shifted to re-distribution of socialist-progressive- undocumented-workers and like-minded revolutionaries into the USSA ."
Iraq Insurgency Ends with Construction of Super Walmart, Labour Unions, and Crushingly Responsible Social Programs Paid for by Middle Class. Suicide Bombers to get free healthcare, prevailing wage, 20 hour work week.
The Bill Clinton Appreciation memorial opens in Sarajevo, Bosnians over come by swift end to Genocide under the Clinton adminastration. Many Protest Kiosk memorial of Monica Lewinsky claiming she stole the limelight from the over looked deaths of hundreds of thousands...Slobadon Melosavich widow grieves for Monica.
NYT Headlines
Congressional Democrats call for the resignation of all congressional Republicans.
"The Pages, the recent school shootings, our sacred civil rights shredded on the Right Wing alter of this George W. Bush personality cult - the country has been ruined by their leadership. We call for their immediate resignations," stated an anonymous Capital Hill source.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
