CLICK TO ZOOM Re-educate your friends, family, and co-workers!
"I'm
looking forward to Purge
Season. Ahhh... the smell
of fear, the sweat on the
foreheads, the glaring
Klieg lights, the flowing
tears, the begging pleas
for mercy... I don't know
about you, but it gives
me goose bumps and a warm
fuzzy feeling that my cold-blooded
reptillian hypothalamus
really enjoys, like
a snake sunning itself
on a warm, flat rock."
If elected to be the Leader of the Free World, would you bring back the ancient Roman post of Imperator? Imperator (English translation=emperor) in Latin only means "first citizen, taken by Rome's first Emperor Augustus. After all, you have already held the title of First Lady, why not First Citizen? Yes, First among equals. Also with DemoKrats trying to take back God and Moral Values, you could do as the Roman First Citizens did, and declare themselves Gods. This would cinch the Pagan vote for sure!
To the Stooge (who, by the way, proves MOST USEFUL again):
You got something there, an ancient, yet timeless feel. I'll keep that on the back burner. But Stooge, can I call you Stooge? What do you think of Patroon? After all I am a bonafide New Yorker now and it has a certain historical ring. Good job!
Hillary
Where were you when John Kerry was fighting and facing death in the Jungles of Vietnam and Canadabodia? And how many purple hearts did John Kerry get? And what service were you in? While you were writing books about Villages, John had already burned down more Villages than the books you write about. And B***h, is it not true, that you did not even write your own book, but only provided some of the material?
You humble servant,
WCK
To WCK:
Watch it mister! Or you find out what service I was in.
I am Larry King, of CNN (Clinton News Network) and tonight we are going to ask Hillary the really tuff questions, that nobody esle will ask. I had to ease up on her a little bit, as too many people had been writing in saying what a mean right wing hate monger, I was. My first question, to Hillary is; Now that you have used your godlike quailities to become Senator, will you still be writing another book? Will, that all the time we have for now.
Larry King:
OK, I give the F**k up, you can ghost-write the next pulp fiction. Just how long have you been kissing my ass, Larry? Have you any self respect? Ok, here's the deal Larry, you write the book, I get ten appearances on your show in the Fall of 2008, and I win the election. Sound Good?
Hillary
Dear Hillary,
I have head that some people prefer to call you Adolf Billary Clinton. What are your opinions on this new name the people have chosen for you?
-Comrade Betty
Comrade Betty:
Don't make me blush! A simple "Heil Hillary" will suffice.
Hillary
Many of our proletarian brethren are unable to afford basic needs like digital cable and black alpha-girl pumps, and yet these poor souls seem to not notice their own condition. I see people every day who have not and probably never will experience the simple joy of getting a full-body massage before soaking in a Jacuzzi full of melted Swiss chocolate while watching Sex and the City on DVD. I try to tell the janitors at my office about how the capitalist exploiters are depriving them of all that is good in life while growing fat on their labor, but they just stare back and mumble that they’re satisfied with how they live. How can I bring the revolutionary message to the oblivious workers without directly condemning their meager—but noble—lifestyles?
Full body massage? Jacuzzi? Hmm....I'll let you in on a little secret, shhhh... Janet Reno is out of town. I'll sneak over and you can give me one of those massages and I'll pour some Swiss Chocolate over you in the Jacuzzi. Did I ever tell you how nice your legs look? Well after that and after you write a nice puff piece in the Times, I'll teach you the Revolutionary message in three easy positions that's neither hard on your knees or back. Please just don't tell Janet, OK?
Word up gizzle?!?! What will yous be doin fo us hood rats and g's biatch?
Dear Gfizzle,
Say de tay, tippy tippy tay, I need some bling foe my thang? You know whatz I mean? You know whatz I mean? It looks like green muthaf@#ker, now hand it over or youse gonna have a pipe upside da head, and I'm not talking glass trash.
Daz right, hand it over, nize and slow.
$$$$$$$$$$$??????????
Sheee-it sebenteen dollas an fifty tree cent You no f@#king Revolutionary, now get the f@#k outta my site.
Hillary, that was merely a front to hide all the pain that I have:(...why do you disrespect me? I can't help that I live in the hood repressed by the white man...now I must be repressed by the white communist woman? You want a revolution? I'll give you revolution...remember the proletariat.
Dear Gfizzle,
I am so sorry I hurt your self esteem, I apologize a thousand times. As we all know self esteem is more important than knowledge or manners. It's not that I disrespect you, after all I am the first Black FFLOTUS, it's just that I was trying to make a point and put it into homey speak that you could understand. See? You should be proud you were rolled by ME, Hillary, Patroon Potentate in such proletarian terms. Be proud Mr. Gfizzle because you did contribute to the Revolution, albeit in a small way. I must say, every cent counts, just like your vote. I'm sorry you feel repressed. I know what! My friend Janet Reno is back in town. Why don't you stop by Maureen Dowd's some late evening, put on some of Janet's leather goods and act out your repression in a playful, but not too rough manner with the three of us naughty white communist women? Sound like fun?
Word up gizzle?!?! What will yous be doin fo us hood rats and g's biatch?
Dear Gfizzle,
Say de tay, tippy tippy tay, I need some bling foe my thang? You know whatz I mean? You know whatz I mean? It looks like green muthaf@#ker, now hand it over or youse gonna have a pipe upside da head, and I'm not talking glass trash.
Daz right, hand it over, nize and slow.
$$$$$$$$$$$??????????
Sheee-it sebenteen dollas an fifty tree cent You no f@#king Revolutionary, now get the f@#k outta my site.
Queen Hilareefah
I didn't understand a single word of that. IT'S LIKE THEY'RE SPEAKING ANOTHER LANGUAGE!
Word up gizzle?!?! What will yous be doin fo us hood rats and g's biatch?
Dear Gfizzle,
Say de tay, tippy tippy tay, I need some bling foe my thang? You know whatz I mean? You know whatz I mean? It looks like green muthaf@#ker, now hand it over or youse gonna have a pipe upside da head, and I'm not talking glass trash.
Daz right, hand it over, nize and slow.
$$$$$$$$$$$??????????
Sheee-it sebenteen dollas an fifty tree cent You no f@#king Revolutionary, now get the f@#k outta my site.
Queen Hilareefah
I didn't understand a single word of that. IT'S LIKE THEY'RE SPEAKING ANOTHER LANGUAGE!
Let's try re-education for Gfizzle. Remember, we're all equal.
Since I am the smartest woman who has ever lived, let me translate my conversation in Ebonish with Mr. Gfizzle:
Mr. Gfizzle wanted to contribute to the revolution and he did by a free will donation of $17.43. Since his donation was small in terms of largess, he began to have feelings of repression, which is not uncommon in the lumpenproletariat. I reassured him that a sexual foursome with three white communist women should cure that, since traditional sexual relations within the confines of marriage will certainly be abolished when I become Lord Protector..er I mean President. Thousands of years of monogamy has proved nothing but repression for all people who cannot freely express their true desires. As for Vladimir's comment, I believe he might be heading for the re-education camp. Ebonish, Spanish, French, Tutu, Mandarin, and Cantonese will be the non-official languages in my administration, since English is a tool of the capitalist oppressors. Maybe Vladimir should get some tutoring from Mr. Gfizzle so he can adjust to our Brave New World.
Since I am the smartest woman who has ever lived, let me translate my conversation in Ebonish with Mr. Gfizzle:
Mr. Gfizzle wanted to contribute to the revolution and he did by a free will donation of $17.43. Since his donation was small in terms of largess, he began to have feelings of repression, which is not uncommon in the lumpenproletariat. I reassured him that a sexual foursome with three white communist women should cure that, since traditional sexual relations within the confines of marriage will certainly be abolished when I become Lord Protector..er I mean President. Thousands of years of monogamy has proved nothing but repression for all people who cannot freely express their true desires. As for Vladimir's comment, I believe he might be heading for the re-education camp. Ebonish, Spanish, French, Tutu, Mandarin, and Cantonese will be the non-official languages in my administration, since English is a tool of the capitalist oppressors. Maybe Vladimir should get some tutoring from Mr. Gfizzle so he can adjust to our Brave New World.
Give 'em Hill
I have been enlightened! I see how this works. I am in-process of re-educating myself in languages other than the language of capitalism, English. Definitely need to see you become the Great Leader of the USSA in '08!
Supporting the People's choice,
Vladimir Ivanov
Red Journalism Headquarters, Moscow, USSR
Since I am the smartest woman who has ever lived, let me translate my conversation in Ebonish with Mr. Gfizzle:
Mr. Gfizzle wanted to contribute to the revolution and he did by a free will donation of $17.43. Since his donation was small in terms of largess, he began to have feelings of repression, which is not uncommon in the lumpenproletariat. I reassured him that a sexual foursome with three white communist women should cure that, since traditional sexual relations within the confines of marriage will certainly be abolished when I become Lord Protector..er I mean President. Thousands of years of monogamy has proved nothing but repression for all people who cannot freely express their true desires. As for Vladimir's comment, I believe he might be heading for the re-education camp. Ebonish, Spanish, French, Tutu, Mandarin, and Cantonese will be the non-official languages in my administration, since English is a tool of the capitalist oppressors. Maybe Vladimir should get some tutoring from Mr. Gfizzle so he can adjust to our Brave New World.
I find myself longing for you more and more everyday. Those thick thighs, that well rounded rear, that lesbo haircut. (I sure hope your not swinging for the other side. Us hetero's need you on our side) I need to be near you, feel you, carress you like no man has ever carressed a shamless, sexless, hypocritical bulldogish woman before. I am tired of spending lonely nights in my bedroom, staring at you in Newsweek magazine with nothing but my fantasies and a paper towel to keep me company. When can we get together and knock boots? I have dug more ditches, swung more shovels and hammers than Bill ever will. Surely that is a turn on. Let me know when we can rendevous.
Forever yours
Ditch Digger.
Dear Double D.
Just to set the record straight (no pun intended) I am Omni-sexual. Discrimination of any sort will not be tolerated in my Administration and that includes sexual preferences! This of course means greater freedom for all the masses. Nevermore will pedophiles, necrophiliacs, incestual, beastial, hetero, homo, polygamist, and onanists like yourself need to worry about being stigmatized by being lumped into a catagory. Your wants and desires are to be realized and celebrated. In this spirit of sexual healing you may stop by Maureen Dowd's apartment any late Friday night and partake in one of our group sessions. Please bring your shovel because Janet broke her broom handle and we need a substitute for it. Make sure it's sanded because I don't like splinters. Be sure to stop by the White House after I'm elected for the Christmas tree decorating. Friends tell me it's like a scene out of "Caligula".
I must say I am perplexed by your choice to appear moderate all of a sudden. I am terrified that you either have forgotten who made you, or you are trying to appeal to the evil Capitalist pig-dogs. Either way, I feel that such behavior is detracting from such a staunch revolutionary such as yourself. Be proud of the party that made you. Remember Komrade Klinton, the party giveth, and the party can taketh away!
You Fool! I AM THE PARTY!
You were a centimeter away from the Gulag buddy! AND THAT"S CLOSER THAN AN IMPERIAL INCH!
OK Hill, take a deep breath
inhale.................
exhale....................
remember your composure..........
I am sorry Koz, let me explain it in simple proletarian terms. I am not a moderate, I am lying. There, see....that didn't hurt. We must use the democratic system to destroy it. Understand now Koz? What the hell do I need to do to convince you people? A Reichstag fire?
Comrade, should all women be forced to wear the burqua?
It is so typical of our western mindset to seek to impose on ethnic minorities our own oppressive notions of gender equality. Western cultural patriarchy is far more insidious in the current post modern, decaying capitalist epoch than at any point in history.
As we know, western women are today subjected to a vicious process of 'normalisation'. Pernicious media systems of cultural control endeavour to reinforce the 'dual systems' exploitation of the patriarchal, capitalist order, and as such keep women in a state of subjugation.
Women are enslaved by aesthetic cultural expectations propagated by bourgeois 'lifestyle' women’s magazines which cultivate new markets for make up, diet fads, cosmetic surgery etc, in effect corporations 'police' both the mind and body of the modern western woman, ultimately she is 'commodified' and repressed by sexually exploitative cultural expectations.
In contrast, Islamic culture allows women to wear the burqua, effectively liberating them from the aesthetic 'rat race'. That is why so many enlightened 'sisters' such as Germaine Greer have woken up to the fact that we have much to learn from medieval Islamic culture.
What are your thoughts on this matter?
Dear Smir,
I like your idea of force but you seem to have forgot my "Pretty in Pink" press conference. I'm sorry to disappoint you but I celebrate the vagina and not the penis. I do admit the burqua makes it a bit more "mysterious" as to what's underneath it, but as an officer of the court I have an obligation to uphold "full disclosure".
I suggest you should head to a college campus near you and take in a production of "The Vagina Monologues". Burqua or not, it's the clothes that make the man, not the womyn.
Are you a lesbian? I think that might make you unequal from the rest of us, because I'm not a lesbian. I'm a man.
Steve, you don't have enough spare change in your pants pockets to pay attention, do you? If you would have read a previous post you would know that I'm OMNI-SEXUAL. I've banged Vince Foster, I've banged Janet Reno. I've humped doorknobs, Buddy the Labrador has humped me. I do not make distinctions where preference is concerned, only a bigot and a (fill-in-the- blank)_____phobe would do that. Come the Revolution, your way of thought will all but disappear, except in the Gulag.
Are you a lesbian? I think that might make you unequal from the rest of us, because I'm not a lesbian. I'm a man.
No one shall burden themselves with sexual genders, soon everyone will be bisexual, and the words male and female will be forgotten forever!
Omni, Comrade Betty, not Bi. You have grasped the main idea though, so I've ordered an extra ration of vodka and two potatoes for you this week. Good Job!
Hillary, my comrades and I are looking to institute the Party in our local school community. However, we face a dilema- should we attempt to re-educate students who resist the change, or should we simply remove them? Since you will surely have to deal with this in two years, I thought you could help.
Komrad Andry,
I am glad you asked that because it does take a village nowadays. Resistence? No need for that! Just visit the village pharmacy and tell the pharmacist "resistence" and he'll give you a bucket full of Ritalin. That should cure it, but if it doesn't work, then we can talk deportation.
Hillary, my comrades and I are looking to institute the Party in our local school community. However, we face a dilema- should we attempt to re-educate students who resist the change, or should we simply remove them? Since you will surely have to deal with this in two years, I thought you could help.
I also have this problem. However, when I wear clothes featuring the Sickle and Hammer or Che teachers call me a terrorist. This slur doesn't apply to me AT ALL, as I am a respectable comrade in the school. I even represent the smart kids on a team. Thanks.
Marxboatright,
Try the swastika and maybe even a t-shirt of me. That should set them off like Bastille Day.
If Monica Lewinski was a revolution, which one would she be and why?
Also, on a similar note, if given the chance how and where would you like to fight her? Examples: Knife-Fight in the Jungle, Chains in the Alleyway, Boxing Match, etc.
With Love,
Steve
That would be the "French Revolution" .....beret, inhaled, knees, surrendered.
My friend is going to China. Given your knowlegde on revolutions, what should he do over there? Do you have any advice for him?
Stay away from Johnny Huang and Ng Lap Seng, that's an order!
Other than that, take in The Great Wall, see the Forbidden City, and have a nice bowl of snake blood soup.
http://www.flyingchair.net/story.php?storyID=470
Hunan Hillary
oh....and tell Charlie "Ya- Lin" Trie I need another bagman. Hey, maybe your friend can help?
I am a journalist (wink wink) with a mainstream press organization. My question is, would it hurt your cause if we started a "Mainstream Media Party?" At our 2005 Investigative Reporters and Editors Conference (IRE for short), as we all jumped to our feet to give Dan Rather the resounding "standing 0" he so deserves, I suddenly saw a bright light and lost consciousness. When I awoke, our collective destiny was clear in my eyes! A revolution! A Party of our own! Of course we would remain a sub-party devoted to your success, my fine Comrade.
My only worry is that the time may not yet be for such a bold undertaking. Please advise.
Yours in print,
Comrade Mainstream
There is and will be only one party, The Peoples Party!
-Kommissar Betty
Well, it's been damn near two months and not a single new question.
That proves: A) I'm so smart, I have all the answers.
B) Karl Rove is keeping the liberal press busy on a witch hunt.
C) Bush has nominated a Supreme Court Justice.
D) All of the above
(The answer is "A". Have you forgotten? It's all about me, you fool!)
When you are elected, will you break up The Supreme Court and abolish the Constitution? Will you replace it with a Progressive version of the Loya Jirga, where we have wise elders such as yourself, Jimmy Carter, and Diane Feinstein deciding issues that will impact our daily lives? These institutions have stood in the way of the Progressive Movement for far too long.
Yes, absolutely, but don't mention C. in my presence again. Loya Jirga and a twist of the Peoples Court ala 3rd Reich. Rollie Friesler has already rendered his service, so there won't be any real need for me to be there except for high profile cases that generate media exposure and campaign cash....and by my second term we won't have to worry about that anymore, since the Diktat of the Proletariet will be firmly established and the Village will rule SUPREME!
We know that the capitalist dog's concept of "names" is only a tool used to maintain the bourgeois class barrier. Since it would be impossible to steal from the workers to give to the capitalist pigs if no-one had a "name" and we were all truly equal, would you institute the People's egalitarian measure of outlawing forever the elitist practice of "names"?
Names? Where in the hell have you been since the New Deal? Ever hear of "indentity theft"? It isn't your name that's being stolen Mr. XXX-35-7892.
Ha ha! Check the latest poll. You dropped 15 points, bitch!
You've never been up against someone like me before. Better vaseline back your stringy hair and get your straight razor, cause I'm gonna bring it right to your doorstep in Chappaqua. And you better keep Bill out of Westchester, 'cause we have a few warrants out on that pervert.
Ever heard of Arkancide? You wanna make the list? Check out my Memorial Day post on this string and get back with me. I got Fahmey on speed dial. It CAN be arranged, slut!
Sean, Sean....wait a minute! I don't hate you! I may have said some caustic remarks about you now and then, but it's all part of the game...you know (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) So how about booking me for your show 8 times in the fall of 2006 and 12 times in the fall of 2008?
Sound good? It'll improve your already fantastic ratings and I'll get to spew some conservative bullsh*t and blow smoke up everyones ass.Think of the money Sean....how much do you want? Everybody has a price Sean. Gimme a figure.
Save the BS pub for CNN no one wants to see ur skank ass on Fox
well maybe Alan and Greta but that's it...die young, stay pretty!!
OOPS! too late!
You may be a "Great American" Sean, but I am a "Greater World Socialist"!!!!!
You're going to pay for this Sean.......I got that old fart buddy of yours, Marty, tied up in a basement, in an undisclosed location outside of Cincinnati. If you don't want to see him hurt or worse yet, maybe even an "Arkancide" you'll cough up the airtime. You have 96 hours to comply.
You forced me to do this Sean, you only have yourself to blame!
Hey Hillary, guess who intercepted a "secret song" your hubby wrote? Should make good campaign fodder!
Quote
Danke Schoen, Darling, Danke Schoen.
Thank you for all the joy and pain.
Picture shows, second balcony, was the place we'd meet,
You'd suck my meat, what a Dutch treat, you were sweet.
Danke Schoen, Darling, Danke Schoen.
Save those lies, Darling don't explain.
I recall, you rolled up in a ball.
How I spooged on your dress, what a mess, I confess.
That's not all.
Danke Schoen, Darling, Danke Schoen.
Thank you for walks down Lover's Lane.
I can see, you bent over my knee.
Cigars in your behind, all the time, sniffed them like wine, that was fine.
Danke Schoen, Darling, Danke Schoen.
Thank you for blowing me again.
Though we go on our seperate ways,
Still the memory stays, for always, my heart says, Danke Schoen.
Danke Schoen, Oh Darling, Danke Schoen.
I said, Thank you for licking me again.
Though we go- on our seperate ways,
Still the memory stays, for always, my heart says, Danke Schoen.
Danke Schoen, Auf Wiedersehn, Danke Schoen
You are going DOWN (and not the kind of "down" you like, you muncher!)
Once again Bitch, nobody gives a rat's ass for Bill. It seems you're obsessed with the hillbilly. Better watch out, or the next thing you'll hear is Bill telling you to "put some ice on it".
Well, you have a choice when it comes to ice, you can have some on your lip ala Bill or I can put you on ice. My kinda ice is NOT nice. Republican? You're about as Republican as Arlen Specter, who's going to be playing the bagpipes at your Scottish Funeral.
Well, well, well.......
Musta scared the litlle squint
She ran off, it's been three days. I guess that "RINO" remark hurt.
Awwww....I feel bad now, we have so much in common. We both pretend to be something we aren't and our husbands are assholes <sigh>.
Come back, I Dream of Jeannie! I didn't mean it, maybe we can be friends and the New Yorkers get screwed.
Heck, either way, friend or foe, the New Yorkers get screwed.
Sorry, I've been busy during the day (and at night). I met this smooth-talking southern lothario uptown the other day, and we've been getting it on ever since. He tells me his wife is a haggard bitch with grotesque cankles and a fetish for old smelly fish. He loves to worship my feet and do as he's told. He has a chest scar from a bypass and a daughter named Chelsea. That's right, I had your man beeatch!!! HA HAHAHAH BWAHAHAHAHAHA
Welcome back from your vacation in Alaska. I heard you proved that Global Warming is a result of mankind in just three days. Good job. How about looking through a telescope and telling us about the big bang next? It's BIG After that you could tell us whether God exists, I Do how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop, 347 and how many times your husband has banged whores, teenagers and tacky hangers-on? 15,000 (estimate)
You foul, arrogant beast from Hell! Is there any topic that you can't master in a weekend you grotesque fire-hydrant-physiqued butt-plug of a human being? No.
I have worked as a climatologist for my entire life, and I would NEVER DARE to postulate what you have called a FACT. You bitch! Thank You!
PIRRO IN 2006 is gonna get her ass kicked
My responses in red italics....Hillary.
Thanks for stopping by!
Hmmmm . . . FOUR days and no response from the little fire-hydrant! Perhaps she is busy checking on the whereabouts of one Southern Male Scamp with the libido of a rabbit? Check Shonna's Massage Parlor on 135th street uptown!
I was having my nails done so I can scratch your sna....eyes out!
Jeannie, can't we be friends? We have so much in common. You still can be Senator in 2006. All you have to do is join my Coup d'etat September 24th. Say yes Jeannie and it's yours.
My hubby is out of town. Wanna come over, have some margaritas, and bury the hatchet or something similar? You know, oubleday ildosday can be fun! Lesbe friends from now on!
Love and kisses,
Jean
I'm there babe! I like your legs! You're the sweetest Rino I've ever had to deal with. Don't tell Maureen Dowd.....she might get jealous....unless you like threesomes. You gotta try this neat little toy I got in my bag of goodies....It runs on diesel.
"I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the most profitable sector in our entire economy that they're being watched," she said in explaining her call for an inquiry by the Federal Trade Commission. "I think human nature left to itself is going to push the limit as far as possible, and that's what you need a government regulatory system for: to keep an eye on people to make the rules of the game fair, to make a level playing field and not give anybody some kind of undue advantage."
I'm sorry, your point being......what?
I stand by my original quote.
No Stoli for you, come back two years!
Now you listen to may Mrs. Clinton! *huccup* Jost because we ahr in tha same pahrty doesn't mean you ahr *hiccup* tha voice of tha Revolution. Ah'm the liberaherl lion, the chahmpion of tha working man and ah'm *hiccup, hiccup*. Excuse Me. Ahs I was saying, Ah've spent ahver 40 yahrs in the Senate trying to bring tha revolution to fruition and not ahbout to laht some jeannie come lahtely tahke the prominence from me! Ah'm running for tha presidency in 2008 ahnd won't be sharing the spotlight with some piano legs frahm illil, illlino, illos... tha state with a city of Chicago. Ah well be tha great people's leader!
Do you ever see Mary Jo's face at the bottom of a bottle? Keep it up jackass, I'm thinking of a Fall Purge Season, and with you that's something that should have been done a long, long time ago....
Now you listen to may Mrs. Clinton! *huccup* Jost because we ahr in tha same pahrty doesn't mean you ahr *hiccup* tha voice of tha Revolution. Ah'm the liberaherl lion, the chahmpion of tha working man and ah'm *hiccup, hiccup*. Excuse Me. Ahs I was saying, Ah've spent ahver 40 yahrs in the Senate trying to bring tha revolution to fruition and not ahbout to laht some jeannie come lahtely tahke the prominence from me! Ah'm running for tha presidency in 2008 ahnd won't be sharing the spotlight with some piano legs frahm illil, illlino, illos... tha state with a city of Chicago. Ah well be tha great people's leader!
I feel an extension of Purge Season coming on. Ted Kennedy? never heard of him....
You listen to meh private, you cahn have it *hiccup* aht other places but you're naht going to interrupt meh when I'm talkin'! *hiccup*Ah've served tha pahty for many yahrs and won't be tossed ahside like a Trotsky. *hiccup* Ah'm the leberaherl *hiccup* the liberaherl *hiccup* lion and chahmpion of the *hiccup*. Hold thaht thought. Ah think ah need a drink.
Dear Madame Clinton
I have left the democratic party because partly you, partly JOhn Kerry, partly Dick Durbin. I don't feel like I belong in the party because I am patriotic, because I back the military and our police, because the borders should be closed and because I believe hard work and discipline work for anyone. Anything you can tell me to help me?
Defector
yeah...you hear that knock at the door?? Pack your sh*t, you get one bag, it's bohemianlikeyou and the Sercret Police of the Revolution coming to drag your ass off to the Lenin Institute of Re-education. OH YEAH, better pack some Tylenol and a bandaid cuz Kommissar Betty is gonna smack you upside the head with the People's Shovel.
Have a nice trip, a$$wipe.
Don't forget to tell him the train leaves at midnight for the Archipelago.
Hillary,
Can I be part of your revolution? I think I proved with that whole Oil-for-Food kickback scheme with Saddam that I have absolutely no moral scruples - but I can also play submissive, too! Just let me know what I need to do.
Hillary, y'all be stupid fly and Hugo da voodoo man gots yo swatter.. hangin', word dat beyatch.
Now, jus thuppose you juxtaposed with me. Here be ma main question; babygirl, wat you be doin' dis friday an who you be doin it with? You best be answerin what I wants to hear cuz Hugo da voodoo man gots your luv babygirl and its all majik, so do you want some of dis here sugah or wat?
Hillary,
Got a few questions for you. I know we've been working a lot of this whole socialist solution, so you know I'm not some sort of arm-chair revolutionist. But do I really have to give up *all* of my money? Couldn't I just give half of it - it's not like instituting a 100% tax on republicans/conservatives wouldn't give us enough.
Second, are we still allowed to 'marry upward?' And for that matter, do you have any plans to 'get rid of' your husband when it becomes convenient? And if so, I don't suppose you have a thing for vaguely-french-looking senators?
So, Hillary, how is the CPUSA treating you? If anyone gives you trouble there, you can gulag them. Also, there are some willing recruits over at the RCP and the WWP, thanks to me.
On the whole Mother Moonbat thing, Sheehan was just trying to placate the crowd and the Mechevic Trotskists (they are on the way to the gulag right now). She is still for you, hillary.
And, thank you for being in my latest McLenins commercial. Ration card usage at them has jumped by 64%. Trikitos and McLenin burgers are the best sellers. Stalin Freedom Camp fries are also doing well, and the McBreshnev shakes are a great seller.
What should I do? There is a new group of communists called the National Boshleveks who want to sweep me and you from power. I can't Gulag them right now, as I need money!
Hill,
When you win in 2008, and we move back to 1600, can Monica still come over??
Bill (anywhere but Chappaqua)...
The answer is yes for obvious reasons. The masses are fascinated by our family dysfunctional appearence. You can let Chelsea bring over her friend Michael Jackson too. Think of the photo ops!
By the way, how's that UN thing going, have you got Kofi compromised yet? What is taking you so long?
Hill (Chappaqua? Oh, yeah....hehehehe, I almost forgot!)
What of NJ? I hear that Komrade Korzine is in a tough race with the Captialist pig dog Forrester! Corzine is running on HIGHER taxes!! How can anyone NOT vote for him?!
I wish to know what the party needs me to do in the county of Bergen to help the cause. Rest assured, I've already rigged half the machines in the state to come up for Corzine.
Greetings fellow Comrades and your most absolute excellency Comrade Hillary,
I am a new member at the cube and I hail from The Peoples Commonwealth of Virginia and I have excellent news to report. Just recently on the glorious November Election day Revolution, my fellow Demokrat apparatchiks and I have selected Comrade Tim Kaine to serve as our proletarian governor to free us from the likes of the evil and wretched Republican controlled legislator who wishes to give us tax breaks, encourage pro-business economic growth and completely and utterlessly destroy the good name of you Comrade Hillary.
Oh praise be to the revolution and the good-think concepts of progressive ideals! Oh Comrade Hillary, you would love Comrade Kaine so much and I hear him and his wife are having marital problems and she might become available before to long for you our most absolute excellency!
Please Comrade Hillary, send all us Demokrats a word of hope and praise for our efforts here, I have worked hard within the offices of the party and me and my fellow apparatchiks have done everything to ensure that even the deceased vote will be counted.
For the glory of the socialistic progressive liberalized overwhelming bureaucratic Revolution!!!
Yours FOREVER,
Chairman Meow-Say-Pun
P.S- Tell Soros to wire us some more money, we had to pay out to much this election to get these inner-city folks out to the polls....
Here it is....are you ready?......Hope & Praise.
You're gonna hafta kiss ass a ton more than that sweetie!
We'll do lunch sometime....
Shit, Virginia, might as well been Arkansas.
You seem very nice. But i've got a bad feeling about all this. What reassurances can you give me?
Is this some kind of sass talk?
Ok, here is your "reassurances".
Don't vote for me and expect a knock on the door about 2AM, make sure your one suitcase is packed and don't bother to write a farewell note to your family....after all your just another Joe Blow. Verstehen Sie?
Tank u in comrad Bil fo awl the wunderfol tings u did for da edukashional sistim' becauze of u i hav now gadeuated wifth honurs in hav ben accpeted to haverd loaw basd on my progeessirve breleafs+ awl otders dat sayd thdey was smatyr thyn me hav ben resjeected becouse thy lyked that old mayn Regan from da eeghtiies- i prays u an da wunderfol demoratic patty fo awl yoor hayrd werk,
tank u laady and mr mayn bil
Comrad susie stupyd
Oh, pardon me while I wipe a tear from both my eyes. Success stories such as yours Susie are so heart moving....and proving Democratic Socialism Works! Glory be to the Village for now and forever! Awomyn!
Hello Cubeies!
I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, but those of you close enough to me to know, when Election Day and Halloween approaches, I undergo a metamorphosis, not unlike Kafka's dung beetle, but more like Lon Chaney Jr's Wolfman. Hair starts growing out of my knuckles, my finger nails grow long, my teeth turn into fangs, my camel toe becomes humongous and I have an uncontrolable urge to politically campaign for anybody as long as they pledge fealty to me. Republicans claim they can't notice or tell a difference in me, but for me it's pure hell campaigning for somebody else other than ME.
Dr. Malek has been giving me injections leftover from Dr. Morell's secret stash he had for Hitler and I've had much improvement these past few weeks.
I'm looking forward to the Yule/Kwanzaa/Some Jew Holiday season and by golly with the help of the ACLU we can finally eradicate this phoney holiday known as "Christmas" this year! This of course doesn't mean we'll be getting rid of the "Christmas Tree", we'll just rename it the Wiccanbaum. After all, we have all those condoms, cock rings, and anal teasers that we've been saving throughout the year for decorating the tree on this very special occasion. The whole Cube is invited for this wonderful tradition started by me and don't forget to bring the KY Jelly.
Chimpy Booshitler offends me and, I'm sure, the sensibilities of every member of the revolutionary vanguard. He jumps up and down with his cowboy hat. He smiles. He waves his little monkey hat in the air. And he looks at me with those beady little eyes like he knows he's untouchable.
I can't take it anymore. Are you of the opinion that Booshitler is in need of re-education? Perhaps - as they say - a little "treatment?"
HITLARY (SORRY) HILLARY HAS FALLEN ILL. SHE WAS UNABLE TO SEE THE DIFERENCE BETWEEN NATIONAL SOCIALISM AND INTER NATIONAL SOCIALISM . BUT NOT TO WORRY SHE IS IN GOOD HANDS AND FOR THE MOMENT NO INFO WILL BE GIVEN OUT TO YOU (THE MASSES). SMERSH HEAD OF KGB.
In glorious old days, of the great Khrushchev and Brezhnev, we had only to write simple letters to politburo in order to aquire, shall we say, "implements of revolution"(plus trunk load of ammunition!) Now, Comrade Putin and even YOU, glorious leader ask for "contributions" in exchange for these implements.
What has happened to priorities of revolution? We send letter to your office, requisitioning "implements". We recieve bill for $25,000...and pre-paid at that! You claim to be our leader, but you do not provide us with our basic need, "implements", unless we pay money that simple, honest, travellers simply do not have! $25,000? If any of us had that kind of disposable income, we wouldn't be a rabid pack of disenfranchised Marxist revolutionaries, now would we? Hell no, we'd be sitting on fancy beach with Chairman Dean, or in posh ski chateau with Commrade Failure, er, Kerry. Instead, we sit here, in stinking basement, 10 revolutionaries to a room, no hot water, no clean clothes, no electricity, DAMN IT BITCH, WE AIN'T EVEN GOT SUNLIGHT!
How are we to secure polling stations come Novemeber and beyond? Wool socks filled with washers? We don't even have the socks, let alone the washers! Furthermore, in spare time I have done research, and "implements" of the Model 74 variety can be had for as little as $500 a piece! We asked you for one shipment of 25 "implements". At best price, that would still come out to only half the ammount you ask of us!
Some of the adherents here in North East Sector are becoming disillusioned by lack of supplies such a cruel capitalist display on the part of leaders such as yourself, Chairman Dean, Commrades Kennedy and Kerry, and Commrade Soros, aka, People's Bank. Commrade Sheehan makes soapbox out of son's coffin, and you all make big fuss. Dinners. Dancing. Tropical Vactions. Large gift baskets of assorted cheeses, chocolates and muffins! What has SHE done? Make fool of her self in public and weaken People's Cause, that's what! While we, the TrueVanguard of Revolution sit in stinking basement and play solitaire with deck of 51, watching toes freeze off!
Where is Global Warming as promised by Commrade Gore? We suffer while bastard Bill makes friends with Imperialist Bushes. NYET!
We are strong of will, and rich in spirit, but if such disapointments are to be the norm in organized People's Struggle, then perhaps we would be better served to align ourselves with the Imperialist Bushes as well! Perhaps join National Guard, dah? They will give us "implements". They will give us warm beds, hot water and food, socks without holes in toe, AND SUNLIGHT, GLORIOUS SUNLIGHT, HOW I MISS YOUR WARMING TOUCH!!!!!
Ahem, do not take this as ANYTHING other than simple illustration of the dangers of low morale amongst Revolutionary Vanguard. We could never join imperialist US Army, but desertions could be possible, if not probable if relief does not come soon.
Best Wishes, Long Live Glorious Struggle, and Glorious Revolution, and Glorious People's Leader,
Commandant Ivan Jerkinov,
AMSOC Sector Chief,
New England Soviet Socialist Republic
I am sorry about the state of low morale, therefore I am sending Janet Reno and Maureen Dowd over to your basement for some oral pleasure. I hope you like mowing shag carpet.
Reno is man, and Dowd is pruned-up bottle red with shrill voice and empty head!
UNEXCEPTABLE!
Unless you want mutiny, send us those two lovely lefty-headcases Aniston and Jolie!
Aniston enjoys sleeping in dog bed, so our accomodations will surely be to her liking. And as for Jolie, well, look at her mouth!
Enough said!
Respectfully,
Commendant Ivan Jerkinov
AMSOC Sector Chief, New England Soviet Socialist Republic
Those two are out of town right now. How about Barbara Streisand? You and a comrade can play "Chinese Finger Cuffs" with her. She likes that! She also has a very special talent where she sings "People" while manually manipulating your manhood. Wear protection though. (She's been with my husband in the biblical sense, you don't know what you might catch) If you pound on her hard enough you can actually un-cross her eyes. You don't want to do it too often though. Once she begins to start seeing things straight, she might begin to think straight and we don't want to lose a useful idiot, do we?
There are so many young and attractive Bolshivette whores running around the entertainment industry these days for you to send on "morale boosting" trip to People's Revolutionary Vanguard, yet now you insult us with offer of digusting, disease ridden, over-the-hill, illiterate hag.
This Red Faction is CLOSED!
OK, OK.....I understand. Babs is a little long in the tooth, how about Jeanine Garawfulho? She's cute in her own special way! She's younger! C'mon, toss a poor dog a bone fellas!
Garafallo is hack "comic"(if you find 20 minute rants about ovarian cysts funny), who built entire career by serving as Ben Stiller's "booty call"...until of course, Mr. Stiller got rich and famous, no longer requiring booty call, and married, at which point Garafallo's career declined into it's current state of airing radio show to 9 people nation wide.
We're not even sure she even likes men anymore(or ever did), and thus doubt her willingness to serve as morale booster for embittered Red Factions.
No cash, no perks, no hot, slutty, Bolshivette tail...screw this, I'm getting a job and joining the National Guard!
Screw you AND your revolution,
Resigned Sector Chief Ivan
Trolling around the Cube I have come across your desperate plea for a "morale booster". Her Socialist Majesty H*llary R. Clinton has tried to appease your needs with many eligible semi-single Party members who are more than happy to give themselves for the glory of the revolution. I understand your reasons for rejecting such hideous gutter trash and why you have moved to resign........ NO! I DONT UNDERSTAND!!! How could you renounce the Party !? Is'nt tax increases, open borders, unionized everything and the watchful eyes of the nanny-state far more important than "cash,perks and or Bolshivitte booty" Lenin help us all, you sound like a REPUBLICAN advocating incentives for hard work, HOW DARE YOU!!! How could you turn down the more than generous offers presented by Her Excellency H.R.C???
The Party is always right Comrade, no matter what position our leaders may have one day or the next, they are always right, tis the way of the Demokratik Party. It is your Party and my Party and we must hold it dear to our bosoms and always remain loyal. One day Comrade, after the revolution, the Amerikan people will sit in glory as Comrade Clinton reigns over the feudal state enslaving all of us under the yoke of socialism within the peoples working paradise where high taxes, superb re-education and social acceptance of omi-sexual and deviant sexual practices become the standard bearer amongst the nations of the uncivilized world.... Stay Comrade, and help make that tommorow today.
Stay strong Comrade or be ready to find yourself in academia undergoing re-education..... The Party Hand-puppet,
Chairman Meow
Komerade Frau-fuheress Hitlery! Ve hav a problem. Vhile my bold soldiers were attempting to reskue ze prizonors held by ze terrorizt movment "Swordz of Demokracy", zhe unit I vas kommanding fell victim to an IED! I now have 6 soldierz in Kritikal Kondition, which I hav already noted Komerade Doktor Fuku. Howevar, I also hav news zhat zhe frontal assault led by ze Afrkia Korps haz bekome bogged down! VE NEED SUPPORT! KAN ZE PARTY SPARE ANYTHING TO DESTROY ZE ZIONISTS? ANYTHING VOULD BE VELCOME!
Komerade Frau-fuheress Hitlery! Ve hav a problem. Vhile my bold soldiers were attempting to reskue ze prizonors held by ze terrorizt movment "Swordz of Demokracy", zhe unit I vas kommanding fell victim to an IED! I now have 6 soldierz in Kritikal Kondition, which I hav already noted Komerade Doktor Fuku. Howevar, I also hav news zhat zhe frontal assault led by ze Afrkia Korps haz bekome bogged down! VE NEED SUPPORT! KAN ZE PARTY SPARE ANYTHING TO DESTROY ZE ZIONISTS? ANYTHING VOULD BE VELCOME!
I have dispatched a legion of the New Peoples Red Army Nixon clones to assist you in your time of need. Don't worry about sending them into death traps, they have no will of their own, use them just like you would useful idiots, or democrats.
I Zalute ze Partee in zhis hour of dezparation. Ze Frontline haz been stabilized. Howevar, ze cost vas very high. Zhough I am getting new cazualty reports around ze clok, it is clear we hav lost at least 48% of all our forcez. I do not even vant to think about vhat vould hav happened had zee Red Army aid not arrived vhen it did. Ze men still alive are unruly and angry. Ve vould hav used ze Commizars to shoot zhem, but zhey are about all ve hav left. Ve are not avare ov any reports indicating ze Swordz of Demokracy (from know on, to konserve ze toliet paper I am uzing az stationary, to be reffered in my reportz az ".S.O.D.") hav handed ze prizonerz over to ze rezistence, but zhat kould change at any moment. My forces need time to regroup and resupply. Howevar, I am tranzmitting ze planz of vhat ve are kalling now (until Komerade Khairperson Fraufuheress Hitlery givez uz zhe official name) Operation Glass Chicken.
Ze objectivez of Operation Glass Chicken are zhe followingk:
1. Clean Alpha Cave Syztem of .S.O.D. fighterz. Zheese tunnels have a very good view of ze battlefield, and vill be important to planningk our next moves.
2. Destroy ze .S.O.D. main base at Canyon #1313131313131313M95. Az far az our Gheztapho agents hav been able to determine, zheis iz ze enemy's Forvard Kommand Post. Ze capture or deztruction of zhis vill greatly hamper zhere ability to kontakt and kommand zere forcez.
3. Kill Kheiftan Abdul Lamar Al Fazama. He zeems to be zhe lokal .S.O.D. Kommander, and I hav a feelingk he vas direktly responsible for zee IEDs zhat hav slowed zhe advance. Hiz death vill kriple zhe enemy in zhe immediate area.
4. Seize Village Kodenamed Alphabetakappaphi. Vee are knot shure if zhis village iz alligned vith zhe .S.O.D. terrorists yet, but zhey seem to be gettingk a great deal of reinforcements from somevhere in zee area, and zhis iz zee only human settlement in a 22,000 kilometer radius, so it iz zee most likley kandidate.
5. Klean out kave systemz Beta, Gamma, Luna, India, Echo, Texcoco (vhy did I name vone of zhem zhat?), Sarajevo, and Kappa of ze .S.O.D. Ve arn't sure vich vone of zhese haz ze prizonerz, if any, but our spiez hav seen ze enemy movingk vast amounts of zupplies into ze caves, so ve must investigate!
I need time to rest zee men, so zee operation kannot be effectivly launched until April 9th Pacifik Standard time. Vhe hav until zhen to discuss our taktiks. Howevar, if ve do not hear back vrom you or reach an agreement on taktiks, or lose kontact vith you etc. by zhe 17th, zhen vee vill be vorced to attack usingk our best guesses.
Again, thanx for zhe Nixon Klones!
Yours Warmly, Reichfuher SS Hit H. Ead
PS Kan you have Doktor Fuku on standby? Ve have a kill ratio of 1:7 in favor ov us, but zey breed like wabbits. Ve expect heavy Kasualties!
Hello, iz zee Politiburo zhere? My men are ready but ve hav not discussed taktiks vor uze against the .S.O.D. If you hav a useful plan, please post it here! Also, ve hav problems. Ze .S.O.D. hav detected our staging area and hav moved up the skeduale for when zhe prizonerz are to be transferred to Al-Quaida, so ve MUST akt fast! I require a plan by 12:00 .P.M. on zhe 16th. If not, zhen ve vill be forced to go alone. I am still waiting for korrispondence from Komerade Doktor Fuku, and we request his assistence, as the sheer cleverness and size of zhe enemy force vill most likley generate large Kasualties. Please Post Back.
Dear future and GREAT! leader of the Democratic Peoples Republic of the U.S.S.A, when you move into the former White House, now the Red Peoples Palace, who will be your First Lady?
Your humble comrade from the frozen tundra between your legs.
Sadly, vhe hav learned zhat zhe senator haz already been handed over to zhe terrorizts. zhow zhis iz sad, zhe .S.O.D. seem to be relaxing their probing effortz, so I need to know vhat objectivez (listed above) we are to take and vhat objectivez zhe Red Army vill take. I am pleased to announce zhat zhe Afrika Korps is now back to full strength, but vhe need to know our strategy! Please say who haz vich objectivz, then vhe vill go in and Noon Tommorow, before anozer prizoner iz skedualed to be handed ovar to zhe Terrorists. Zhe Luftwaffe is begginink karpet bombingk az heavily az vhe kan (but somehow, I doubt A hand glider and a vooden airplane vhe painted iron crosses on vill do much damage). My men are ready for zhe Komerade Khairperson Fraufuheress' vord.
Gott Dammit! Zhat took quite longer zhan expekted. Neverzaless, here are zhe AAR zhat vas approved by zhe partee az beingk politikally korreckt:
Nazi-Soviet Alliance # before zhe battle:
1.2 million Red Army soldierz
800,000 Afrika Korps and Whermact personnel
.S.O.D.z:
187 million soldierz
Kheiftan Abdul Lamar Al Fazama
trilions upon trilions of zhose GOTT DAMMED IEDs
Lossez:
Nazi-Soviet ALliance
50 Red Army officerz
100 Afrika Korps personnel
.S.O.D.z:
194 million soldierz
Zhat Bastard Kheiftan Fazama
Zhe senator vhas killed by zhe resistence against zhe zionistz, but zhe other POWS vere freed.
Zhe 194,000,000 death toll for zhe SODz out of only 187,000,000 people will be devastating to zhe Iraqi population, az it only numbered 26,000,000 before zhe battle, but zhat iz zhe price zhat is necessary. I kongratulate zhe Red Army Kommerades for our kombined efforts to destroy zhe SODz!
Warmest greetings from local 221.. We appreciate your efforts to further the cause of the working man and his union leadership. I hope that you have recieved this months 'care package' that was sent on behalf of our democrat brothers and sisters (and all of the republican ones too. HAHA) So you truly have bi-partison support here at the local level. God I love collecting dues. Whoops, did I say God? Wait, thats ok right?? Part of the new campaign..We love God..blah blah blah. Trying to win over those family value assholes again aren't we? Well, ya gotta do what you gotta DUE ...hehe..pun intended.
Take care Hill,..gotta go crack some skulls!!
UB
Dear UB40, no...wait, that's some rock group and a limey unemployment registration form...Just UB.
Dear Comradochka Hillarochka, I'm overwhelmed with Joy that you may be a Leader of Free World. Once you won we'll need to protect our revolutionary winnings and must be vigilant.
Since I'm retired may I suggest Comrades from ATF who served your husbandwife
with such loyalty. Especially Comrade who arrested that 5 year old reactionary scoundrel (Elian, was it?)and returned him to Fantasy Island of Freedom.
I could just hear him arriving back "The Plane Fidel,the plane!".
I think Comrades from NAMBLA will be best suited to provide quality care to
the children of Progressive Population, so no boy wil ever run away.
Please let me know your decree.
Lovingly Yours,
Iron Felix
Felix, you old cat! How have you been?
Have you been drinking Guinness again, because all I have to say to your plan is .........BRILLIANT!
Comrade Hillary, My Many Titted Empress, I bow to your wishes. I shall shine your hooves with my tongue until it has blisters. I shall pop the pimples on your steatopygious ass. I'll drive Richard Simmons over for some Quality Exercise Time.
But please, beloved Empress, do not say that you are homosexual. I can take anything but that.
But please, beloved Empress, do not say that you are homosexual. I can take anything but that.
Commissar Theocritus.....One more time just to set the record "straight" (no pun intended).
If you would begin by reading the whole thread you would know that
Quote
I'm OMNI-SEXUAL. I've banged Vince Foster, I've banged Janet Reno. I've humped doorknobs, Buddy the Labrador has humped me. I do not make distinctions where preference is concerned, only a bigot and a (fill-in-the- blank)_____phobe would do that. Come the Revolution, your way of thought will all but disappear, except in the Gulag.
Quote
Just to set the record straight (no pun intended) I am Omni-sexual. Discrimination of any sort will not be tolerated in my Administration and that includes sexual preferences! This of course means greater freedom for all the masses. Nevermore will pedophiles, necrophiliacs, incestual, beastial, hetero, homo, polygamist, and onanists like yourself need to worry about being stigmatized by being lumped into a catagory. Your wants and desires are to be realized and celebrated. In this spirit of sexual healing you may stop by Maureen Dowd's apartment any late Friday night and partake in one of our group sessions. Please bring your shovel because Janet broke her broom handle and we need a substitute for it. Make sure it's sanded because I don't like splinters. Be sure to stop by the White House after I'm elected for the Christmas tree decorating. Friends tell me it's like a scene out of "Caligula".
Yes, Mine Empress, I did read the droppings from your mouth, but such is the wonder of your ability to control the orbits of the planets to suit your will that I was bewitched. But still, although I consider you the perfect embodiment of Perfect Evil, the go-to girl for the Devil himself, the Beatrice to Machiavelli, still I cannot help but wish that I did not share this one thing with you for I know that I, a lowly being not worthy to swim in your hugely pleniful and copious and well-stocked enemas, am not strong enough for that.
But do you think that the well-sanded broom handle is quite enough? Why not coat it with C4 and cayenne pepper?
But one thing creeps into what I am pleased to call my mind. Is it just possible that you are not sexual at all, or anything else at all, but merely four of five hundredweight of naked need, willing to assume any shape whatosever for the attainment of power? In that case you would make a very fine fire plug if fire plugs could tell people what to do. You have the hips for it.
Our Glorious Leader has been closeted with Bill Gates and the head of Merck, whose stock has been tanking not because of the Vioxx problem, but because he's paying attention to the diktat that Our Many Titted Empress will issue on the first day of her unlimited term as President for Life.
Macroshaft and Merck will develop a neural implant which will broadcast messages of peace and unity into the brains of every comrade in these United States. People with IQs above normal will have periodic spasms of electricity, causing electro-convulsive therapy, insuring that they cannot plot to overthrow the People's Order.
(Pace "Harrison Bergeron" by Kurt Vonnegut's Welcome to the Monkey House, and the United States Handicapper General is Diana Moon Glampers. Who gets a gun and shoots the rebel Harrison Bergeron. I read this in high school in the early 70s and laughed at it, thinking it utterly impossible. This was before quotas and preferences. Now it's not that foolish, and is the primary reason compelling me to utterly resist the attempt by some to place gays on the goo-goo list to join in the victimology parade. "Harrison Bergeron" is utterly chilling reading. It can happen here. It is happening here. Be afraid. Be very afraid.)
I have found a solution to at least one of your emotional and electoral problems.
We can neutralize Bill's cheating with the new Cheat Offsetting program. It works just like the Carbon Offsetting program - by funding someone else to be faithful and NOT cheat. This will neutralize the pain and unhappy emotions in your family as well as the potential voters, leaving everyone involved (including Bill) with a clear conscience.
Red Square. I like your idea of being cheating-neutral. Let us be mean-neutral. We could finance the operations of entire convents and monasteries, dedicated to not being mean, therefore allowing our Empress to do what she wants to and be mean-neutral.
My empress, I adore the ground that your hooves tread on. But you must confess that you, being a woman of such force and character, an UberFrau, have so intimidated us lesser mortals that although there have been 27024 views of your glorious bull, there have been only 94 comments, and I dare greatly to increase the comments by 1.064% with this one.
Only a pittance, beloved Asmodeus.
Craig is incapable of answering your summons, as I thought you might remember. Do you not recall that you directed me to give him a vacation that he would never forget? The constituent atoms of his being are now fertilizing the corn fields which I shall use to feed the pigs which I shall use to make sausage to feed to Osama bin Laden--are you still holding him in your pentagram?
But if you change your mind, which you, as Empress of the World, have every right to do, and we shall change our thinking in accordance to Your Divine Wishes, let me know and I'll dig up the corn field and mold it into another Craig. It ought to be about the same size.
Time to shut down the opposition. Osama Obama had his chance and he blew it.
I suggest you implement my rule #3.
RULE 3: "Whenever possible, go outside the expertise of the enemy." Look for ways to increase insecurity, anxiety and uncertainty.
You've always been especially creative at Rule #3. This should be lots of fun.
I understand your rule about going outside the expertise of the enemy, but if deceit and treachery are the stock-in-trade of the Democratic party, the only way to go outside their expertise is to say the truth.
I suspect that if Our Empress were to say, with all forthrightness, that 2 and 2 are 4, there would a flurry of calculators to check her, and when people found she was right, massive coronary failure.
But then the best liars have always commingled truth with lies--C. S. Lewis's Screwtape Letters show that.
Perhaps Our Empress could get a poodle and be nice to it. It would have to be trained, of course, not to run from her--perhaps cutting its tendons would work, and lest it bite, pull its teeth. Cutting out the larynx would prevent barking.
Mine Empress, I bow again to your wisdom. I had not thought beyond the idea of a dog, but of course what kind of dog needs a focus group. Beagles have been used.
Poodle? That is the dog of little old ladies. It would fetch the blue-rinse set as long as it were seen to be loved. Recall that Bill was accused of not caring about pets--witness him abandoning Socks to his secretary and there are questions, on the rabid right, if Buddy met his end as did Vince Foster and all the others. Also the poodle's coat might tangle with the hair on your lovely thighs, and cause it pain, meaning it would bark and upset the blue-rinse set.
Daschund? A friendly breed, but the small ones are energetic and some on the rabid right might think it resembles the Hildo 7.0 that someone forgot to turn off.
Chihuahua? Perhaps that's the best. The toy ones are so light that their paws would leave the least pawprints walking across your glorious thighs, and being short-haired, or no-haired, there is no risk of their entanglement in your hair.
By no means get a cat. You may own a dog but a cat has staff. And drugged to keep it immoble its tail would quit twitching. Also the cat would run from what it could only interpret as the smell of a very ripe fish.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
buy a T-shirt
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
buy this sticker
Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
