People's Volunteers needed ---- no life or social skills required ---- please write ads for free and post them below as text.
To create People's Cube Ads is an idea whose time has come. We've seen too many of them, all aimed at lining the pockets of greedy kapitalist Google masters.
We need to create ads that cost nothing and bring no profit. Volunteers needed NOW with no life or social skills to write ads for free and post them below as text.
Creative Directorate at the Propaganda Department shall take care of the rest.
I didn't mean everybody should be making gif files - that's the job for unpaid volunteers at the propaganda department. Comrades of distinction like you may submit ideas as plain text. We have imagination.
JEW B GONE
Reliable international franchise
available in your area.
1-800-HIZ-BLAH
Anti-Bush Stickers & Gear
Pre- Packaged Opinions, because
there's just not enough time to think for yourself.
FREE NPR MUG AND T SHIRT
With every 3 Hummers you torch.
EARN MONEY AND HELP THE ENVIRONMENT.
Make millions off a crappy slide show.then fly around the
world on a private Jet leaving a huge carbon footprint
and finally drown in you own hypocrisy.
HELP FEED THE HUNGRY.
Abort extra mouths before they are born.
Meet other lonely subsidized idiots just like yourself!
It’s easy, fast and free*! Sign up, submit an active address and meet other hot, subsidized idiots living in their mother’s basement! Text: PUNCHENKO to 6969 now OR register at Lonelylosers.scam!
*additional charges, surcharges, fees and other requirements may apply. Confidentiality not guaranteed. The Punchenko Foundation for a Richer Tomorrow is not responsible for personal information given to a third-party. The Punchenko Foundation for a Richer Tomorrow is not responsible for any monies lost, transferred, stolen or misplaced. Additional charge of $29.95 for first time, second time, third time and fourth time users will apply. All charges, surcharges, fees and other monetary requirements will be added to your phone bill and credit card accounts submitted at least several times an hour. User(s) will not be notified of billing. User(s) will be permitted ten minutes to cancel membership upon registration. Failure to cancel membership within ten minutes of registration will confirm your agreement of a ten year subscription for $456.99. Void where prohibited which is nowhere since the Party is running Congress now. You are a sucker. Additional sucker charge of $78.87 will apply upon registration.
Hmmmm, the Pup may have to look into his ad.... But you say Meow blew it with you? The Chairman? The price seems reasonable, much less than other services I have tried, even with the surcharges. One thing about the Chairman, at least you know all his reasonable charges will go to the Many Titted Empress. I have a Red Square Express Premium card just burning a hole in my pocket to use.
Nyet, Commissar Pupovich, I fear you misunderstand. I signed up for one of these services before and got matched up with Mulva. That reference to idiots living in their mother's basement made me think at once of Mulva.
I'll gladly give all I have to our MTE without seeing Mulva again.
I'm afraid Mulva is too good for you, Comrade Pinkie. You see, your prole sensibilities couldn't handle the international celebrity of Mulva or his parent's $400,000 Mini-Mansion. It just isn't you, Comrade Pinkie. I mean, he is such a celebrity he has the power - yes, the power - to turn down a man begging for a few dollars so that he, International Celebrity Mulva, can buy some hot Starbucks coffee and some tasty eats from Panera Bread. He is that *important*! Have you heard his music? It is absolutely visionary... NO!... it is divine, yes, it is art sent from the heavens above in the caring and compassionate arms of transgender angels. I must have soiled myself several times listening the harmonious screeching of Mulva and his band of noble progressives.
Once again, for the record.... he is too good for you.
Hope my komrades don't object to me posting these actual google ads. You will see how gloriously progressive they are. The first, for obvious reasons, and the second is a favourite with our progressive Islamic freedom fighting friends wherever they happen to be...
I'm afraid Mulva is too good for you, Comrade Pinkie.
Chairman, I must confess my weakness yet again. Who is "Mulva?" Exhaustive research carried out at my own expense I might add, revealed 3 possibilities.... Mulva as the name of the Junior Mint gal from Seinfeld, a Mulva who headed a huge Big Oil company, and my most promising suspect, some Alva character at Nitwit Planet to which I found a link here.
I'm afraid Mulva is too good for you, Comrade Pinkie. You see, your prole sensibilities couldn't handle the international celebrity of Mulva or his parent's $400,000 Mini-Mansion. It just isn't you, Comrade Pinkie. I mean, he is such a celebrity he has the power - yes, the power - to turn down a man begging for a few dollars so that he, International Celebrity Mulva, can buy some hot Starbucks coffee and some tasty eats from Panera Bread. He is that *important*! Have you heard his music? It is absolutely visionary... NO!... it is divine, yes, it is art sent from the heavens above in the caring and compassionate arms of transgender angels. I must have soiled myself several times listening the harmonious screeching of Mulva and his band of noble progressives.
Once again, for the record.... he is too good for you.
Ah, thank you for clearing that up for me, Chairman Meow. I always had the impression Mulva was interested in me only because I had HBO.
I should never have doubted you, esteemed Chairman! Here, take the rest of what I have for the Many Titted Empress--it's only a few kopecks I was saving to bribe the local commissar for a new shovel, but I think it's better spent on Her Excellency. I have faith that after she assumes power, she'll give me the new shovel, and Universal Free Vodka, too.
Meet other lonely subsidized idiots just like yourself!
It’s easy, fast and free*! Sign up, submit an active address and meet other hot, subsidized idiots living in their mother’s basement! Text: PUNCHENKO to 6969 now OR register at Lonelylosers.scam!
*additional charges, surcharges, fees and other requirements may apply. Confidentiality not guaranteed. The Punchenko Foundation for a Richer Tomorrow is not responsible for personal information given to a third-party. The Punchenko Foundation for a Richer Tomorrow is not responsible for any monies lost, transferred, stolen or misplaced. Additional charge of $29.95 for first time, second time, third time and fourth time users will apply. All charges, surcharges, fees and other monetary requirements will be added to your phone bill and credit card accounts submitted at least several times an hour. User(s) will not be notified of billing. User(s) will be permitted ten minutes to cancel membership upon registration. Failure to cancel membership within ten minutes of registration will confirm your agreement of a ten year subscription for $456.99. Void where prohibited which is nowhere since the Party is running Congress now. You are a sucker. Additional sucker charge of $78.87 will apply upon registration.
Chairman, I must confess my weakness yet again. Who is "Mulva?" Exhaustive research carried out at my own expense I might add, revealed 3 possibilities.... Mulva as the name of the Junior Mint gal from Seinfeld, a Mulva who headed a huge Big Oil company, and my most promising suspect, some Alva character at Nitwit Planet to which I found a link here.
Commissar Pupovich, Nitwit's the one you're looking for. Mulva's 15 minutes at the Cube actually elapsed long before I was transported here, but on another thread, Comrade Hillary posted the link below. The comments are the icing on the cake.
I notice if you go to Mulva's blog now, he insists on first approving any comments before posting them.
Yeah...the Cube had the effect.
Notice all the goose eggs after we retaliated.
<sigh.....>
If we had ever know he'd just sulk and go back up to the attic of his parent's mini-mansion in Woodbridge and not blog, maybe the Party's harsh criticism wouldn't have been so harsh.
I notice if you go to Mulva's blog now, he insists on first approving any comments before posting them.
Yeah...the Cube had the effect.
Notice all the goose eggs after we retaliated.
<sigh.....>
If we had ever know he'd just sulk and go back up to the attic of his parent's mini-mansion in Woodbridge and not blog, maybe the Party's harsh criticism wouldn't have been so harsh.
Commissar Pupovich, Nitwit's the one you're looking for. Mulva's 15 minutes at the Cube actually elapsed long before I was transported here, but on another thread, Comrade Hillary posted the link below. The comments are the icing on the cake.
Yup, I read that, and he truly is a Nitwit. Still wonder, what was the thinking behind calling him Mulva? Or was that the name he used when he came here?
Yup, I read that, and he truly is a Nitwit. Still wonder, what was the thinking behind calling him Mulva? Or was that the name he used when he came here?
I gathered that when addressing the man whose mother called him Alva, Chairman Meow, as always thinking of female body parts and what rhymes with them (though instead he claims the Seinfeld defense), slipped and called the guy Mulva. The name stuck as such names tend to do. Hell, I've been called everything from Stinkie to Twinkie to Tinkie-Winkie. Of course, the last thing people remember after doing that is the sight of my shovel slamming upside their head.
As it happens, last night I was speaking to a most intelligent man who just came back from living in Berlin, where he was also investigating links to neo Nazi's and 9/11. He is convinced that they were linked to 9/11 as well. Seeing how in Europe, the date would be 11/9, and he did show me a lot of information about the significance that that date held for Hitler.
Laika dubbed him Mulva, Comrades. I think a few of you - and I'm not saying any names here - need read up on your archives (Pinkie and Pupovich).
Hm . . . I read the comments on that link, and could've sworn it was you, great Chairman. My humble apologies. I don't think the re-education center where I'm assigned is receiving enough public funding, hence my gaffe.
As for what happened at the Cube before I was transported here, well, naturally I had no idea what kind of information I was going to inherit, or what kind of information might be concealed from me, perhaps destroyed before I came here, or even smuggled out in the legs of someone's pants.
Eggselent point Pinkie! How were we to know what was allowable for us to see? What was a trap set for catching thought criminals? What was evidence waiting to be destroyed? It was not our fault!
I know this doesn't fit the format for Cube Ads but I think it cries out to be a Cube Ad. I just can't decide on the rest of it. "click here for the New York Times editorials"? There is something that would make this gold, (or RED), but I can't put my finger on it.
Help Save the Planet Today! Help us save the trees and the planet
by recycling your used paper currency
(only USD accepted) at your local
DNC sponsored currency recycling center.
Dave from www.dontflameme.com emailed this ad -
------------------------------------------
Turn Your Guns Into Sickles And Hammers Forfeit them to MoveOn.org
------------------------------------------
We'll post it with the others when we have a new batch.
I made some of these ads functional and added then to my website. If you have a site and wish to do the same. Here is the gif and necessary code. You will also need some very basic HTML skills.
Al-Qaeda in Iraq seeks under-represented persons for work in crowded street markets! Women, children, the elederly, and those with mental handicaps given special preference.
See here for the inspiration:
http://abcnews.go.com/International/WireStory?id=4226818&page=1
Carbon Credits:
The only guilt free method when you absolutely, positively must get your biz jet from NY to LA to attend a Global Warming protest....and back again.
ANGRY? DISAFFECTED? MUSLIM? LIKE TO TRAVEL? Burn cars in France for college credit!
Up to three quarter hours awarded for each Peugeot.
Earn a master's degree in torching SUVs.
Find out more at your nearest mosque, madrassa, or Muslim seminary.
Billions for Bad Businesses!
Product sub-standard? Painful market downfalls affecting your sleep? Go to http://squeezethetaxpayer.gov for no-obligation grant
You Too Can Be an Illinois Senator!
For merely a few million dollars! Call Cook County Jail; ask for Rod OR go to http://lincolnspinning.org
Be a Part of an Exciting New Change-Oriented Team!
Corrupt inside-Washington experience and "connections" a plus. Ambassadorships and Cabinet positions going fast! Call 1-800-GET-HOPE; ask for Barack.
It occurs to me that the above are somewhat dependent on current events. I shall endeavor to design ads less apt to become dated. But in the meantime, I thought these might be amusing.
Gun Collectors Needed For Coming Purge!!!
Must be fast, agile, and stupid. Irrational hatred of facts and reason a plus!
1-800-GRAB-762
Wealth Distributed to the Suspecting!!!
The Glorious Committee for State Security is opening an office near you! Register now! One lucky Genetic Grouping will win a State-funded trip to exciting Winter Wonderland!
Love to Argue? Global Warming Apologists Desired! Meetings every Thursday night at your local Collective Rally Hall. Subject to snow delays.
Thanks you comrades. I have added the latest ads to the pool, with slight changes (see above). Let me know if I missed anything good. Ads with too many words are excluded no matter how good they are.
Are you tired of not getting what you want?
Do you think it's not fair that you should have to work for a living?
Do you think that the words "HOPE" and "CHANGE" are the answer to all your problems?
Then give your soul to the ONE, THE LORD OBAMA, and all will be provided.
Just quit your job at BURGER KING today. Stay home with your six children and your wife, or live in girl friend who dropped out of high school and doesn't work any way, and wiat for the government checks to come rolling in! After all, why should you have to work when there are so many out there who make way too much money as it is? They are just hording all of it. But not any more....
NOW WE GOT OBAMA!!!!
♫ HE'S GONNA SPREAD HAPPINESS, HE'S GONNA SPREAD FAIRNESS.
THE RICH HAVE TOO MUCH MONEY! OBAMAS' GONNA SEIZE THEM!
HE'S GONNA TAKE IT, AND REDISTIBUTE IT!
OBAMAS' GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD! ♫
American Constitution and Bill of Rights
Be a part of history as it is ripped to shreds!
Come to Washington, DC anytime on January 20; ceremony expected to take less than five minutes.
Kids Bored with Camp?
Send them this year to Kamp Re-Ed-U-Kation!
No need to pick them up afterwards.
New Childhood Hero!
Pavel Morozov was martyred in the USSR after he dutifully reported father to the authorities for keeping grain from the collective. But he's been ignored by Russian children since 1990. Collect ALL Pavel figurines, each with a different party slogan. In McDonald's Happy Meals this week!
Inspectors Wanted
to search all Amerikan homes for evil incandescent light bulbs when they become illegal in 2012.
Your Children Wanted
You're not capable of raising them anyway, you backwards conservatives. Drop them off at any public office; we will turn them into proud representatives of the State! (In fine print: you will be executed on the spot)
JEWS KILL CHILDREN! Don't let them win!
Go to http://waringaza.pa to see current score:
Muslim suicide bombers, 1,203,398; Israel 4
SPEED COURSE IN ECONOMICS DESIRED
Prefer one on one tutoring if possible, must
be available at 3 am.
Call 1-800-WHITE-HOUSE, ask for Barry
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
