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Al Gore in his living room taking apart Tipper's
Blackberry to see what's in it.
Ask me about technology.
No more politics. I have returned to what I love
and know best - inventions!
Remember: frequent computer crashes
happen because people press the W key too much. Avoid
it at all costs! That key had been removed from all
White House keyboards on my secret orders! Every
time you press a W key George W Bush knows what you're
thinking... And don't listen to static in your phone
line - you never know who may be playing with your
brain. A lot of folks who I know did that wound up
voting for W. So there.
Did you know that the new free Laika the Space Dog
Browser (aka Firefox in non-socialist sectors) allows
you to send email without having to stick a stamp
to the monitor?
Dear Al,
My computer is loaded with spyware, what can I do?
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You have come to the right place, Comrade, as it was I that actually invented spyware, one weekend while I was tinkering in the garage with my telescope.
I am trying to network together several computers running different operating systems and hardware. A Mac running X, a PC running Linux, A windows 98 computer, an OS/2 machine, my palm pilot, and one running MSDOS 3.1. Should I use Samba to tie them all together?
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As you know, Comrade, you have come to the right place, as it was I that actually invented the Internet, and the Internet is just one big network. As for your question about using Samba to tie them altogether, NO. I just don't see how a dance is going to help here. What I would suggest, and I hope I am not getting too highly technical here, is that you go down to Radio Shack, and buy either some wire, or one of them wireless things.
Yours, Al
P.S. Make sure you plug it into one of these things.
Al,
do you think the Microsoft and Billy Gates are evil?
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Of course not. B. Gates and Microsoft are a fine company, which is allowed to make a profit, as that is the American Way. Now, that being said, Gates is one of the richest men in the world. His company has employed unfair practices against others. It is up to us as Democrats, to make sure that all the profits of MS are eventually siphoned off, in extra taxes and court judgments. After all, the filthily rich must be made to pay their share of taxes.
Hi, I am Bill Gates. Here at Microsoft we strive to deliver Good Software, at fair and reasonable value. Al, with your vast experience as inventor of the Internet, I was wondering if you would accept the multi million dollar post of Vice President in charge of Tax reduction, here at Microsoft?
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Hi Bill, or should I call you boss? I accept your offer, as I know that I bring
the talents that you require for this position. Yes, taxes are way too high for a
company that works on such a narrow profit margin as Microsoft.
Is it true that you and the Brady Campaign are developing a secret satellite system to identify gun owners and terminate their existence? Is fellow Comrad John Kerry assisting you?
Commie Carl
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Yes, the new top secret satellite will be gathering intelligence of huge importance to the Party. Termination will come shortly after the Revolution. This new satellite is powered by solar only as we don't want to pollute outer space, and is painted with green lead-free biodegradable latex paint. However, the new 6-ton People's Computer that I invented to pilot the satellite into orbit has stopped working after the technicians painted the motherboard with the remainder of that same green paint. The paint manufacturer is currently being sued by a team of dedicated trial lawyers. In the meantime we have deemed it wise to narrow our search for experienced pilot, one without fear in the face of death, with doglike loyalty in hopeless conditions. Our first choice for this one way mission is Space Cadet Laika. I know he or she will do the right thing for the Revolution, and be volunteered for this mission.
As far as your question about John Kerry - who is John Kerry? Never heard of him.
Yours, Al
P.S. The picture below shows the People's Moonraker. Launched to the Moon in the 1970s, it was burglarized and its tires were stolen during the lunar eclipse, after which it was abandoned. Letters with fines from the Sanitation Department are being thrown away properly recycled.
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Yes, we should use more of my inventions on this site. A chat room is something I invented while visiting a men’s bathhouse with my good friend Jim McGreevy.
I may not be a Homosexual-American like Governor McGreevy, or a Metrosexual-American like Senator John Kerry, or an Alpha-Male-American like Bill Clinton, but I’m proud to be who I am nonetheless - an Unbiased-Beta-Male-American. In that capacity I accompanied Governor McGreevy to the men’s bathhouse for the purpose of cleaning myself with soap and some of them fancy sponges, and in the process to meet some common homosexual folks in their natural habitat and hear what they had to say about global warming. What does that have to do with chat rooms, you ask? That’s what I thought too. Inside the steam room, however, as I was listening to some warm chatter while seeing nothing due to the dense fog, it occurred to me that the place felt exactly like the perfect society that we Democrats always talk about – you know - filled with warmth, love, mutual understanding, and common purpose. It’s the world as it ought to be! It’s the world as it might have been if Bush hadn’t stolen the election and betrayed this country! If we could only find a way to make all American citizens and undocumented aliens alike chat as warmly among themselves, naked but not seeing each other, or maybe wearing some pajamas and whatnot, it could be a world filled with love, mutual understanding, and common purpose. The Internet I had already invented; all I needed was to add an equivalent of steam room to it.
So I say let’s set up a chat room and full steam ahead!
- Al Gore
People's Inventor By Accounting
Not a chance. A 24/7 functioning chat room would require a team of Party-approved, ACLU-trained censors to analyze discussions in real time for political correctness. We can't waste people’s money on such wanton projects! Our North Korean comrades don’t use chat rooms, and we should be more like them. If you want the feeling of common purpose, go to the bathhouse.
Any computer that is made by degenerate capitalist warmongers like Apple or Dell or any of the other expropriators of workers labor should never have been in the possession of a Party member in the first place. Throw these computers out with rest of garbage at once.
I advise you to put in your requisition forms for latest CommuProl 3 TableTop computer.
This is the communal home computer of the future:
Proud Party member Comrade Otis with his new tabletop CommuProl 3.
The CommuProl 3 is only computer with Party Compliant fire-wall. This fire-wall will keep out all capitalist exploitation thus allowing you to remain free. Plus it comes fully equipped with new updated version of ICU2 spyware created by comrade scientist Gore and already indelibly burned into the ROM for your added protection.
Yes Comrade Otis is correct about turning in the computers to the Government. At first I was uneasy giving up my non compliant operating system but now I have found the joys of the Goverment issues (and monitored) systems. No more junk e-mail, just e-mails from my friends saying how great this country is!!! Boy do I love living under this great Communist system. Long live the UN Chip used for compliance, this is really the way to live!
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And to make this concept more agreeable with the voters we'll equip all government-issue computers with beer taps yielding an unlimited supply of beer. Of course to make it unlimited it has to be the Al Gore Energy-Saving Renewable Light Beer, which is easily accomplished by connecting a flexible hose to local urinals. The secret is in the special organic composition of the urinal cake, which is a trade secret involving processed hemp.
Comrades,
There is no problem buying IBM computers now. All real IBM brand is now made and owned by Communist Red China.
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As I always say, if its made by Buddists Monks, it must be good.
So these devices are already Party compliant? Do they have the little red tamper tape over the access ports as required for by the party for random government inspections?
From now on, the proletariat shall only use inexpensive RED tape. No longer shall they be tied to the capitalist Scotch Tape for their tape-like adhesive needs
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I wish I could take the credit for inventing Red Tape. I did, however, maximize its use during my tenure as VP. We tried to use excessive Red Tape to prevent the average citizen from ever acquiring guns or weapons, as just one example. Actually, it was my Great Great Great Uncle from the old country that invented Red Tape. You may have heard of him, E. Gore. He also invented the saying "Parts is parts."
Comrade Betty! Yes! Better RED than bled ... by capitalist exploitation.
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Comrade Gus,
Is that a question about economics? Political economy of capitalism can be better explained on this site by people's economist Paul Kurgman. Me, I'm just an IT guy here.
Linus Torvalds, the man who invented Linux, is a great inventor, only next to the likes of myself and Edison of course. Linux is a fine Operating System made by dedicated workers who ask for no money in return. Only the satisfaction of producing an Operating System that is completely free for the people drives them on. For that reason alone, Linux is the future.
Al, I was wondering, this being the week you get your first paycheck as VP of MS Tax Reduction Department. What do you "REALLY" think of our evil competitors at Linux?
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You know, Mr. Gates, I have always been against the practice of dumping a product to hurt and create a monopoly, and clearly the folks at Linux are doing just this. Also, it is Un-American to give something away for free. Let's just say that they know what their product is worth. I call upon the W administration to do something about this threat know as Linux. There must be something done for people who have been tricked into putting this junk on their computers, and now regret it. Linus Torvalds is a know computer hacker and probable terrorist who should stand trial for this act of vandalism known as Linux. And worst, he comes from Finland - what kind of a country is Finland? For all I know it's right next to Russia! And speaking of Tax Reduction, could you perhaps write the check to my wife's name?
We can make that check in your wife's name, no problem. As an added bonus I will see to it that it is hand delivered to you by a Buddist Monk. As that is your normal method of being paid off?
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That, or we can employ my FBI sleeper agent I converted during my tenure at the White House.
Dear Al,
You should know better than to expect the evil overloard W to do anything about this problem, we will all be better of if you have dear Kim of North Korea to help you level the Linux headquarters into a radioactive pile of ash. After that, we can all celebrate with large ammounts of peoples vodka!
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Forget vodka. If we all don't start immediately to drink my Energy-Saving Renewable Light Beer, the entire world will turn into a radioactive pile of ash by approximately next Tuesday. Trust me.
Comrade Gore? What is to be done about the new Fascist Bourgeois power structure? Spellcheckers are their latest, and most worrying system of control. By defining what words are, or are not acceptable, the designers exercise control over our intellectual discourse.
The great Foucault charted the transition from a top-down form of social control in the form of physical coercion meted out by the sovereign to a more diffuse and insidious form of social surveillance and process of 'normalisation'. The latter, is encapsulated by the spellchecker. It has became the metaphor for the processes whereby disciplinary 'technologies', together with the emergence of a normative social science, 'police' both the mind and body of the modern individual.
As we all know, Spellcheckers were designed by the Military/Industrial/Microsoft Complex, with the aquiescence of the Raegan administration, in an effort to the keep the populace stupid and controllable. A classic example of Bravermans 'deskilling' thesis.
If you have a spellchecker then you will never really need to learn how to spell, just type whatever and the computer will fix it. You stay stupid, the corporations can control you easier because of that stupidity, and a new fascist state is born with unlearned dolts as the Sonderkommando!
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Me, I always liked checkers. Also chess, backgammon, and horseshoes. Now, what the heck are spell checkers? Something out of a Harry Potter book? Never used them, not gonna start now.
Spellcheckers are their latest, and most worrying system of control. By defining what words are, or are not acceptable, the designers exercise control over our intellectual discourse.
The great Foucault charted the transition from a top-down form of social control in the form of physical coercion meted out by the sovereign to a more diffuse and insidious form of social surveillance and process of 'normalisation'. The latter, is encapsulated by the spellchecker. It has became the metaphor for the processes whereby disciplinary 'technologies', together with the emergence of a normative social science, 'police' both the mind and body of the modern individual.
...Spellcheckers were designed by the Military/Industrial/Microsoft Complex, with the aquiescence of the Raegan administration, in an effort to the keep the populace stupid and controllable. A classic example of Bravermans 'deskilling' thesis.
A thought-provoking analysis of how the capitalist elite deploys pernicious technologies of control to keep subordinate classes in a state of subjugation through the process of deskilling!
For decades, postmodernist philosophers have been hard at work deconstructing the modernist fallacies of metaphysical realism and epistemological objectivism. As members of the cognoscenti, we realize that spelling and grammar, as well as the "standards" associated with them, are merely part of a hegemonic order of manipulation designed by the ruling class for the purpose of reinforcing traditional power structures and limiting the size of the discursive playing field.
However, as Gramsci brilliantly observed, cultural hegemony can only be achieved with the consent of subordinate groups. So, by adhering to the linguistic standards of the bourgeoisis, we are complicit in our own marginalization. Consequently, we have to continue to use all of the resources at our disposal to poke holes in the grand capitalist meta-narrative that has so insidiously and detrimentally shaped the worldview of the working class, causing the dispossessed to remain apathetic in the face of fascist encroachments.
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I concur. I think.
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Before you start advocating other organizations, you must join here FIRST, comrade "GUEST." Then perhaps we can have a meaningful conversation about the capitalist concept of patents.
Linus Torvalds, the man who invented Linux, is a great inventor, only next to the likes of myself and Edison of course. Linux is a fine Operating System made by dedicated workers who ask for no money in return. Only the satisfaction of producing a Operating System that is completely free for anyone drives them on. Linux is the future.
But companies make money off of Linux.... This shall not do.
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This looks like a reasonable idea and I've always been a friend of reason. For instance, the logic of Global Warming dictates that energy-guzzling capitalist economies should be dismantled by next Tuesday. That means no more computers. Who will then need software I ask you? So why patent something that will soon wither away along with statehood, family, and private property?
But don't fret! For that occasion I have invented an energy-neutral hand-held processor. I admit, the idea has been around for a while, but it truly takes a visionary like me to patent it just one week before it becomes the only device of this kind available to the consumer.
- Al Gore
Founder and Chairman of Generation Investment Management
Do you work less than Baghdad bob? Just wondering if you two slackards are bucking for a job in Washington DC as Senators? You two seem to fit all the requirements.
Revolution!!!!
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Excuse me, Politruk Tito, but I served as Senator of Tennessee before I became VP of this nation. Rightfully, I would be President (and Supreme Commander) if Bush hadn’t stolen it from me. But I’d rather talk about TECHNOLOGY. So stick with the discussion before I use my computer here to wipe you off.
And to answer your first question, Baghdad Bob and I work the same amount. We redistribute efforts so that nobody comes off too smart or too slow. You should try working with a shovel yourself sometime.
Mr Gore, I was curious what your thoughts are on the advantage of using IPX/SPX over TCP/IP. I am setting up a small network here and need some advice from the Gore-man.
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Here's some "suite map" I looked up that might solve your problem. The guy that gave me it said it worked for him. But I figure you might need to rebuild your apartment to match this floor plan. If you want an advice from a man with experience, I'd say ask your wife before you start tearing down those walls.
Mr. Gore, I am writing a script for my job, and I don't understand why it is not working, it is in perl:
I replicated the code below:
Code:
!#usr/bin/perl;
print STDERR "Welcome Komrade! We would ask you if you want to start a revolution, but the decision has already been made for you!";
$revolution=1;
pause;
if ($revolution==1){
system "rm George W. Bush";
}
print STDERR "Congratulations komrade! You have removed the evil nazi George W. Bush, and you have therefore freed thousands of Americans from the tyanny of making profit!! Arabs will celebrate in the streets as they are now allowed to commit their freedom loving bombing runs against the US. LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!";
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I can see a few things here that may pose problems.
1. It's a very fine script reflecting both the logic and the syntax of our struggle. But the grammar and the punctuation you may really want to look at. You must ALWAYS put the exclamation mark in the end of sentence, not in the beginning - unless you write in Spanish where exclamation and question marks, as well as commas, periods, colons, semicolons, and hyphens are all spelled upside down and backwards.
2. Consider replacing all those dollar signs with rubles.
3. Try running this script on the people's data calculating appliance (the Sovietnet standard GOST 1917-10) equipped with a 400X300 resolution Progress 1 monochrome monitor from the Pyongyang TV factory named after Comrade Alger Hiss and see what happens.
4. It actually might work within the Sovietnet and the Democratic sector of the internet. Non-socialist networks are too backward for it. Bourgeois computers have not been sufficiently conditioned for such progressive logic. We must give rise to the New Computer capable of processing progressive concepts, but the Bush Administration and the Republican Congress have eliminated programs that used to fund such research. The New Computer cannot be created under capitalism, just like new fuel cell automobiles that I had promised to my constituents cannot be created within the oil-consuming industries. It's a vicious circle that can and should be broken by the Revolution!
Just out of curiosity - why did you break all those lines right in the middle? Did you mean it as a white verse poem in the manner of Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman, Bill's and mine favorite book? I do appreciate the sentiment but let's keep it under wraps and hope Hillary doesn't find out.
Dear Mr. Albert Gore, Former Vice President and Rightfully Elected 43rd President!
I would just like to take this opportunity to say what a lovely young man you are. Always so helpful. I just got a computer from my grandson, and wouldn't you know, I get frazzled even turning the contraption ON! My goodness! So now, I just leave it on all the time. Thank you for all the spyware too! Its nice to know someone is keeping an eye on me. You never know when your going to slip and fall and that spyware will come in handy if I cannot get up. (Especially lately, with my arthritis acting as mean as a junk yard dog)
Don't let those mean and nasty Republicans take you to task. They need a good ole fashioned kick in the patoot! If I wasn't so fragile, I would be tempted to do it myself!! Well, that's all. Maybe I will write again when I have the time.
Sincerely
Silence D.
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A computer left on all the time may also serve as a nice fancy modern-looking nightlight. The downside is, the light may attract some really nasty bugs, and if that happens don't blame Microsoft Windows. Ask your grandson to put up some heavy-duty screens into them windows, to keep bugs out of your computer.
Is it not true that you only maintained a "C" average in college, even flunking out with F's in some courses? And that you would not release your grades to the public? While the W guy with his A's and B's was made to look like an idiot by the press and your party?
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Dear Comrade I want an answer,
And yes, you have come to the right place for answers. However, I must only answer technical questions here, and am refraining from answering all political questions.
Hey Big G, Is it not true that you were a real pothead back during your college days, and later your teamed up with a guy who never inhaled? And was your refer always green?
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That is not entirely ture, it always had a brownish tint. I use my experience in developing student courses that will teach the future generations of voters environmentally healthy habits.
Al,
I have been following the thread here in your column about operating systems with great interest. Could you tell me what in your opinion is the greatest operating system?
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I am glad that you ask me this question. There are so many good operating systems out there. My favorite of course is the Karnivoure Operating System. Invented for me, by me, in a few hours, one weekend, for a surplus government (Clay) junk computer, that I somehow inherited during my tenure as VP. This operating system, is used to retrieve data on all political opponents, and other subversives. Another good one is of course Windows 99, the rare Chinese version, which I have on my laptop. This machine was a gift of the Red Chinese Government, hand delivered to me by a Buddhist Monk. I was able to master the Chinese written language in about an hour of free time. Had I had more free time, I could have re-invented the Chinese language, as I know it. I also have a 3rd computer, given to me by my good friend Bill C., the most moral man in America. He asked me to take it home and get rid of the pesky emails that were on it.
What this BS about Karnivoure OS??? As VP of Tax Reduction at MicroFlab, a multi-million dollar a year job, I expect you to earn your keep. And promote the product, no matter how bug ridden it is.
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Sorry Boss, err, I meant that Karnivoure is just a temporary OS for the Clay system, until MS ports to it. However, Windows has come up with a new product that will be used by the Demokratic Party. Some of you will remember this as Windows 99, that was only released behind the iron curtain, for obvious reasons.
Al! My house is on fire! As I can't instruct the computer to do "Stop-Drop-N-Roll" what should I do to save it?
Well, if you're a revolutionary, you should hug your computer and jump out the window with it while shouting "Long live the Revolution!" The computer will save you in the fall, and you will save your computer in the process. Get Al's invention "Save-O-Matic" to enable this feature on your computer.
If you are a conservative, just push your computer out the window. In the long run, who cares? The internet is more important anyways.
If you're a weak liberal, you're scared to jump out the window, and you're scared the computer will break if you throw it out the window. And the computer won't save you either. So, pretty much you need to burn with the house.
Now, if you are a hard-core revolutionary, get your revolutionary pencil, which is much more valuable than your computer anyways, play the Soviet National Anthem sung by the Black Sea Choir, stand at attention, and sing along while the flames take you away to the land of the Revolution!
why ARE the conservative girls so much prettier than those hairy, tofu eating, tree huggers?
I believe that it is because they have something called self-respect and hygiene, those two things will be completely eliminated in the bright Communist future.
-Kommissar Betty
Kommissar Betty speaks the truth.
-Komrade Koz
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Calm down, comrades! Although this is not the subject of this column I feel compelled to intrude and prompt you to look outside the box and to consider the beauty of progressive Third World womyn.
In San Francisco at an "assembly of international mayors," the Washington Post quotes you as saying:
"We are witnessing a collision between our civilization and the earth, a transformation of the relationship between our species and the planet," Gore warned. "Is it only terrorists that we're worried about? Is that the only threat to the future that is worth organizing to respond to?"
I have studied all your writings, and consider you a true genius. When you say our civilization and Earth are going to collide, does that mean that our civilization is not on Earth? I do not understand the time-space continuum and global warming the way you do. Do these two things create a parallel civilization when juxtaposed? If our civilization is indeed hurtling toward us from outer space, how can we stop it? Is it ethical to send Bruce Willis into space to blow up our own parallel civilization?
Also, I must address the terrorist issue. Are the terrorists a threat? I wonder because clearly though they might kill a few thousand, they do so where I don't live, so who cares? I worry more about millions of years from now when the weather might get nasty and affect my progeny. By the way, is there any chance that by the time global warming takes effect, our collective progeny will have evolved to require heat? If that is true, are we killing our children by preventing global warming? Can you travel into the future for me and find out?
If terrorism were a real threat I would've done something about it while in office, now wouldn't I? The fact that I did nothing about it proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that the terrorist issue is a non-issue. It's a hoax set up by this administration to distract you from the real and present danger of climate change within a million years. Asteroids, flying civilizations, alien UFOs, and global warming is what we should worry about right now. The fact that this administration is hush-hush about it only proves that this is all very real.
As for your time-travel question, we can't waste earth's non-renewable resources for every such inquiry. If I say we must close all industries, eliminate division of labor, and return to sustenance farming, it must be sufficient proof for you that this is our only way to salvation.
You are on the right track when you write "I worry more about millions of years from now when the weather might get nasty and affect my progeny." but the official Party line is that the weather has already changed and is already nasty. As a case in point: statistically the overall world temperature has increased by about .5 degree Fahrenheit over last hundred years. The Party line is that this has caused terrible hurricanes, drought and even (though only a .5 degree temperature change) has so warmed the atmosphere that it is causing it to snow in Antarctica where it used to be too cold to snow most of the year. Never mind other places in the world where it has been too cold to snow and never mind that we're in an interglacial period and the overall world temperature has been rising (and sea levels too) for the last 15,000 years. That doesn't matter. The issue isn't the issue - the revolution is the issue. We have to destroy capitalism and a good way to do it is to tax and regulate it into the dirt. So please to keep to Party line: Global warming is happening now! Save the planet! Please to act hysterical.
Have you ever thought of inventing a new voting machine? Everyone knows that the Republicans have been stealing elections with the use of Diebold republican built voting machines. Can you build a better one for our side?
Let us not be trapped into the Republican way of doing things. Their diabolical mechanical voting boxes are not the answer. Think outside the box and look for answers in nature!
Bees don't have elections. They are perfectly happy toiling in their collective hive, feeding their beloved queen bee, and not questioning the authority of the drones.
Another way to do it is for all of us to learn transcendental meditation from Buddhist monks and communicate our collective will to the proper people's representatives, such as, ACLU, who will then announce to us who the president should be, and appoint cabinet members.
Since our American democracy has miserably failed, we should be looking up to other countries and see how they do it. Take Iran, for instance. Their Governing Council of mullas is like our electoral college, only it selects the candidates not after, but BEFORE the elections. That's what I call putting the horse before the cart! We have been doing it backwards for over 200 years and will keep doing it wrong if we keep electing presidents who are uneducated and uncurious.
I've been thinking about the new voting machine. If you invent one I think its specifications should include the ability of the machine to use current socioeconomic factors and proportional analysis to tabulate the votes. The voting machine of the future won't even require voters! Can you invent that?
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Excellent point! I will forward your inquiry to my dear friend Rep. Charles Rangel, who is an expert in proportional representation, so he may come up with some workable specs.
Yesterday was very hot, well above what it is normally this time of year. Obviously, this is global warming at its finest. Sometimes I wonder if it is too late. I would like to build a "global warming shelter," but I don't know how. Can you help?
Also, I have been in need of a "global warming guide" to keep me safe in this hot and dangerous time. I have been using a "disaster guide" from the 1950's and have found it helpful. While "duck and cover" manoevers have provided little benifit, "stop, drop and roll" manoevers have provided quite a cooling effect. Perhaps in the fture humans will roll around to stay cool?
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I may have some advice for you, even though I'm not the person you were asking. There is a "global warming guide" out now (although it may be hard to find) called the "Green Hoax Effect" by Peter Sawyer. It will inform you on what you need to know.
Great idea, global warming shelters. Like old bomb shelters. If you build one underground in your backyard and make it out of concrete it should keep you very cool. You could even have a little pool down there with a wet bar. Building these "global warming shelters" could become a whole new industry. Just goes to show that climate change and global warming can create jobs and make people money. Thanks for the idea!
from the desk of $.$. Halliburton
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Dear Mr. Ka-Ching!
That also gives me an idea. During Global Warming all computers are going to overheat and crash... Except this one! Al Gore's CompuQarium™ 2008
I really think you should be spending more time on these technically enhanced voting machines. You know, the ones with the paper reciept for each and every voter. This is a must do. Just think. We can forge paper reciepts all day and night, and show up and protest every election from now until the cows come home, or decades, whichever is longer. Once we get Democrats back in power where they belong, the forged paper reciept will be our ticket to nulify every future election. Democrats will reign forever, Socialism will take hold in every household, and the privledges will be limited to the few of us who truly deserve it. Think about it, before the Pigs do. Now then, would you like me to bake you some cookies?
Paper is made of trees. It's easy to get lost in the trees. The trees don't let you see the forest. We must be able to see the forest. Let's get rid of the trees so we can see the forest. There's a lot one can learn from Buddhist monks. Like, what's the sound of one man voting? Buddhist monks meditate collectively. That's why they are smarter than us. Buddhist monks don't vote. A million years from now we won't either.
As for your other query, I have set up my system to block all cookies for safety reasons. I suggest you also delete yours.
There comes a time in every man's or woman's life when he or she realizes he or she finally needs to invent something really big that he or she will be remembered by. So that's what I've been doing.
Al has not replied since the end of May. I suppose he has something big in the works!
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Yes sir. This may actually be the biggest thing I ever invented. I have a feeling it's so big I may not be able to invent anything else after this. I don't have a name for it yet. I'll know it when I figure out what it does.
Alternately you can go here and do your own guessing.
The Peoples Cube, and its Mother site, CFK, are nothing if not consistant. Failing to deliver, columnnists going awol time after time. They are the perfect representation of communism.
Silence D
Damn no good commie rats. Where are they when we need them?
$.$. Halliburton
Even though we may not always be visible, rest assured that we're always working behind the scenes--watching and waiting.
How is your cable channel going? I remember hearing that it was going to be interactive, progressive, and for young people, and I have been waiting to be wet by the big splash!
My Current Channel is a progressive mix of MTV and news bits broken down into attractively packaged morsels, eazy for the young people to swallow.
The motto of Current TV is - "SO LTTLE TO SAY, SO MUCH TIME!"
Regardless, it brings money by virtue of being bundled with other news channels and sold to customers whether they want it or not. I only had to call it "news channel" and put my personal weight behind it. Even if its only programming was reruns of the same slideshow of me and Tipper vacationing in North Korea, with zero viewers, the channel would still generate profit.
Instilling guilt into corporate executives always pays! BIG TIME!!! Hahahaha! The best investment you can make is one that manipulates people's minds. It gives you power. But enough preaching to the choir, Ted. Gotta run and invest Current profits into my new business that sells carbon offsets.
Al,
do you think the Microsoft and Billy Gates are evil?
Of course not. B. Gates and Microsoft are a fine company, which is allowed to make a profit, as that is the American Way.
That is the Amerikan way? Surely Komrade Gorovich, you are not serious. If this is some kind of joke, I need not remind you that the Comintern does not have a sense of humor about party doctrine.
The so-called Amerikan way is the greatest evil know to the workers. It exploits the surplus value of the workers' very sweat and blood to turn it to profit for the bosses, such as the arch Kapitalist, Gates. Please clarify or see your local political officer for immediate re-education.
Komrade Ralph,
I would like to thank you for reporting this thoughtcrime. Do not worry, the one known as Steve Jobs has already been apprehended by the ALCU. While the one known as Steve Jobs provided an artsy product for vast sums of money, the fact remains that he is a capitalist pig, no better than Gates. The party has also taken over the Apple factories. Expect a C-Pod in the mail within the week. It will be of course, red.
-Komrade Koz
--------------------- UPDATE 2007 -------------------------
Comrades! Following your recommendations Apple has developed the Red iPod:
Oh...slight correction. The party never took over the Apple factories. It was already owned by the party. Notice the red apple? Other than that, Komrade Koz got it right!
Thanks to the Comrade who reported the thoughtcrime. Let me send you an extra ration of food for today.
Vladimir Ivanov
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You know, you may be right. There's something about their motivational poster that tells me they may actually be on the side of progress...
I was merely doing my duty to the people. Such words written by the traitor Jobs naturally burned like a fire in my socialist consciousness, so it was impossible for me to continue working in my assigned task at the Glorious Revolutionary Can Opener Factory. Since I have met my production quota of 12 units for this week, I did not think the Revolution would suffer for a few minute's time to root out an enemy of the people.
BTW, does the party have any openings at the Red Apple Factory for such a loyal party member (since 1917).
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We hear their marketing manager was just let go for losing professional flexibility and, as a result, not thinking differently enough. Do you think you can adequately fill this man's shoes? Picture with job description attached.
I hear that the Red Apple Factories are switching to IBM technology.
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Operating systems change all the time, just as the sun and the moon endlessly rotate around the Earth. But the main operating procedure doesn't change. Read about it in the Mac Bible, or its new politically correct version - the Mac Quran.
You haven't answered questions in a long while. Where are you?
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I'm working on a charitable program to develop new communication technologies geared towards Third World Countries.
I see third world program to bring superior socialist technology has successfully introduced the hands free cell phone. Another great step forward in the march towards our socialist paradise!!
Bravo!!
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For busy people like myself and Tipper I also developed a cell phone that you can use to shave yourself while talking. Remember my unevenly trimmed beard? That was the trial stage. For some reason it always worked better on Tipper...
Big Al, I'm confused. You advised someone to "buy either some wire, or one of them wireless things. " That sounds like capitalism to me. Shouldn't the People's government be the one to supply "some wire, or one of them wireless things?"
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Correct. The wires soon to be supplied to the government will be strictly regulated and based only on technologies produced by government-approved inventors like myself. Here is a pilot sample:
I am thinking of procuring a home theater system for my family collective (the new color! 27" TV looks so big compared to the 13" black and white we have used for years!). I keep hearing that I need a HDTV, HTPC, CCTV, and all manner of technical acronyms that I am not educated about. Please help!
Try not to recommend something too expensive as I can only work 120 hours per week under the new Collective Labor Agreement. This eliminates any "overtime" that I once enjoyed at the shovel manufacturing facility.
Sinerley,
P.P.
P.S. how's Tipper?
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I recommend the best combination home-kitchen-computer-TV system out there. I invented it one day in less time it took me to cook a TV dinner! No knowledge of HDTV, HTPC, or CCTV required to operate this all-in-one piece. All in natural color! It's best to watch that show about exploding hamsters, although it may get messy... Tipper hates it.
I may need your help again. Why don't you send Tipper on ovah heah with pumpkin pah. And whip cream. Lahts of whip cream.
- Bubba
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Well, it's been three months since I sent her over. Did she ever show up? I hope the whip cream hasn't gone bad... Anyways, if you see her, show her this little card I made for her.
I may need your help. See we met and talked a few times, I think about 5 years ago. You created something called a net. Not sure what the neck it was for. Something to do with computers I think. Anyway I got a problem. See someone found out about controlling voters minds through the static on phone lines. We have an election next year and need to assist people to vote the right way. Are there any new inventions you are working on that can help me out?
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You have to be looking into the future, George. The main way to influence the minds of voters is through education. We've been working on some programs for kids that teach them wholesome and environmentally healthy habits. You're welcome to join in. It surely works for the Democrats! See below...
I've got a bet going with ChiefExecBechtel. Maybe you could provide us with some information. What is wrong with you???
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What do you mean, wrong? Let me look in the mirrior. I can't see anything. Tipper? Have you ever noticed anything wrong about me? No? I didn't think so either. Thanks honey.
I was just wondering, when and where do you get your ideas for all of your inventions? However you get your ideas, it is "obviously" working.
Your probable enemy, Toecutter
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I get my ideas in the most unusual places. Guess what prompted me to came up with the "Democrat-Majority Outhouse" below. It has since been regularly in use by my friends from both sides of the isle. Obviously it's more popular with the Democrats. People have traveled for miles and miles just so they could use it themselves.
After Speaker Nancy Pelosi went ahead and tried it we dubbed her Madam Outhouse Speaker. This was after a hearty meal we prepared on my Jet-Fueled Carbon-Bigfoot™ Barbecue Grill, mind you! We called her Madam Outhouse Speaker the whole weekend - and had a good, wholesome, environmentally-friendly laugh.
WHERE IS GLOBAL WARMING YOU PROMISED? IT'S 33 FRIGGIN' DEGREES HERE IN AMSOC BUNKER AND I'VE ALREADY LOST TWO TOES THIS WEEK!
PUT DOWN TINKER TOOLS AND MAKE NORTHEAST WARMER!!!!!!
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Don't your thermometer mislead you, comrade! Global Warming results not only in warmer temeperatures, but also in colder temeperatures. When it rains, when it shines, when it blows, when it's calm, when it's wet, when it's dry, when it's day, when it's night - is all a direct result of Global Warming.
And yes - the higher the snow the stronger the Global Warming.
Sorry about your toes. As a consolation, I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that we in our household only drink energy-saving renewable light beer that leaves no carbon footprint on the environment whatsoever. I encourage you to do the same - not only it will make you feel less guilty about living on Earth - but your toes may actually grow back. Trust me!
Dear Al? What is a vote? And who is this guy 'Chad'? Is he your running mate?
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See my answer to Comrade Otis above.
And why do you call yourself a "fascist," my friend? Are you a national socialist? Well, did you know that if you drop "national" you will become a bona-fide socialist? It is a more reputable denomination. And if you choose to replace "national" with "international" you will automatically gain the highest moral ground, rivaled only by communists and environmentalists such as myself.
You give TPC a bad name. Where are you? You have not answered a question in almost a year. That's quite embarrassing. Why do you even have a technology Q&A forum? At first I thought, "This is a good way to break people in to the world of socialism and communism. Teach them patience, even if they are only waiting for more misery."
Then another thought occurred to me. When you're not around to answer questions, people start to achieve on their own, thereby skipping the middleman so to speak. Is this what you hope to achieve? An technologically independent populace??
At least get a ghost writer. You are a hack, and you're an embarrassment to the internet. Won't be long or the readers of this once fine publication will be lost. You're a lazy, fat, incompetent boob.
Your good friend
UB
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My dearest friend and fellow traveler Union Boss,
Why don't you get your own column at the People's Cube? Then try to fly around the world promoting Global Warming (GW), making movies about GW, running a TV channel that advertises GW, and setting up scam corporations that capitalize on people's scares and guilt about GW? All that is only a side dish to my main course - since my true calling is inventions!
I had to restrain my creativity. My inventions have become more pragmatic. I needed to answer those critics who accuse me of burning too much jet fuel. They call me a hypocrite only because I'm asking them to sacrifice while I myself operate a jet-fueled barbecue grill on my property.
There's no point explaining that I need a jet barbecue grill to feed the multitudes of visiting elite donors whose contributions will be used to fight Global Warming by releasing more advertisements asking you to sacrifice - and when more people begin to sacrifice, this will offset my barbecue emissions in less than ten years!
My answer to them was my invention of a new jet that uses one engine instead of two!
Supreme Geekinator Al,
Do you think that the Blackberry™, sounds racist? After all, how many years has it been out and we haven't seen NOT ONE Raspberry, boysenberry, strawberry, cranberry or blueberry? Shame on the racist companies RIM and Motorola! Isn't it just like a capitalist company to bring racism into play?
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One word: EarwaxBerry™! My latest invention for progressive youth that watches Current TV.
Thanks for finally finding a computer connected to the World Wide Web. I see you did not challenge my assertation that you are a fat, lazy, incompetent boob. Wise, since the worlds scientists have come to the consensus that you are just that. You know all too well, you cannot debate a consensus of scientists.
That being agreed upon, onto more pressing matters. Union Card Checks. As you know, the smartest labor leaders of our great Peoples State have found a possible loophole when organizing union votes among the un-represented masses. Instead of getting everyone together to cast a secret ballot on whether or not to unionize, we (the great union leaders) have suggested to law makers to allow us to use card checks.... (when not authorized by Employers) Simple signed cards collected by union minions by force, err, voluntarily forwarded by the unprotected, underpaid, overworked masses. This would take a considerable amount of time and effort. How can the unions of Amerika collect these card checks, without sending union enforcers out to households? Is there some technology that can help us forward the collective intentions of the un-represented slaves to the National Labor Relations Board, without a vote, without a card check? Some sort of Union Controlled Mind Machine that can auto calculate the percentage of employees who wish to be represented?
I think such an invention would be a huge catalyst in regaining control over this country. Either such a machine, or some overhaul of NRLB regulations. Maybe that would be simpler. Come to think of it, such a machine could be used in all democratic elections. No more wait lines! No more Voter intimidation! (oh wait,.. we need that one)
Bustin Heads
UB
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Dear Union Boss!
Of all people you should know that one man's scientific consensus is another man's political manipulation. It's not who does the science that matters, it's who distributes the grants, tenures, funding, promotions, and publication opportunities. It's done wonders with this little Global Warming project I'm tinkling with. So thanks for letting me know about the consensus. Measures shall be taken. The scientific consensus shall be corrected as noted.
As for sending union enforcers out to households to exert compliance, this will not sound so frightening to some if you present them as mere door-to-door salespeople. The concept is old and familiar, only the products they'll be selling will be new. Here, I invented something just for that recently. It was originally meant for Ted Kennedy, but you two are not too far apart, are you?
Allow me to introduce The Enforcer: a fine line of Brain Care Products that help to keep your brain free of harmful build-up. Includes a 3-Gallon jar of Brain Opener, Brain Build-up Remover for kids (approved by Teachers Union), and a Union BrainBlaster™ baseball bat. (Should only be used according to the DNC specifications).
The Union BrainBlaster™ can also function as a Union-Controlled Mind Machine that can auto calculate the percentage of employees who wish to be represented. For better results can be used in combination with a plunger or Makarov pressurized brain opener.
I was wondering - how would technology impact your desires for universal healthcare? I mean, how would the gubmint make sure that everyone is seeking out and receiving all the preventative care that they are supposed to get? Would an RFID chip forcibly installed on their foreheads be most effective, or should a whole new agency of unionized gubmint gumshoes be employed to hand-write reminder postcards? You know, a kind of workfare for the 21st century? We know how easily email reminders can be deleted, so I think paper post cards would be the answer.
What say you, Comrade Al?
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It is a challenge, comrade. Not only that, but the army of unionized government employees working such a humongous computer system will require so many Post-it notes to memorize all the commands, directories, and addresses that we'll be left with no trees in this country in about two weeks of orientation. Just look at my work room.
Instead, I think our healthcare should be based on the North Korean model of "self-reliance," a.k.a. the Juche Idea. The North Korean patients love their government so much that they hate to overburden it with some silly health problems, and would rather rely on their own resourcefulness. It works - and it's absolutely free!
Currently I am using a Mac Powerbook G4. It is a fine laptop and it fits my needs well. Thus I do not feel like I need to upgrade to an Intel-based Macbook Pro at this time. Thus my dilemma. Am I failing our glorious Revolution by not upgrading to a Macbook Pro?
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev
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Think different! Which means you must upgrade just like everybody else does.
Books ARE power, my friend! I love to curl up with a good book. The best book is that which matches your bookcase. Oak, maple, mahogany, the works. Then there are those new shiny things. One time I had to replace all my books because Tipper wanted to change our furniture from walnut to sycamore. The old ones made for great kindling in our six fireplaces, because we strongly believe in recycling. Then there's also the size to consider, the texture, the grain, and stuff.
I know a lot about books. But what's a power book? A combination of a book with electric blanket? That actually gives me an idea. No wasteful electricity this time. An old-fashioned hot water bottle will do. In combination with a good book you would want to curl up with. Upgrade to this!
Greetings from down under, Saviour Al. Firstly, I must explain some "down under" terminology to avoid confusion for you Amerikkans. In 'Stray-ya, "Liberal" is the fascist bourgeois kapitalist-loving environment destroying Kristian Right. When you say "Liberals" however you are referring to us, the good guys of the progressive revolution. Down under we are referred to derogatorily as "Bleeding heart Lefties" a term which of course I do not use. Or sometimes "Politically Correct Left" or "Labor-voting, tree-hugging, queue-jumping Asian perverts". When will the bourgeois ever learn flattery will get them nowhere!
Messiah Al you may remember when you flew down here in your lentil-powered jet to frighten us into saving ourselves from overheating into a gooey mess of failed kapitalist policies, bronze suntanned bodies and massively endangered ecosystems, you were interviewed by the Publikk BRoadcasting Authority, the ABCDEFG. I just want to encourage you by saying that even my conservative mother (sigh, if only I could change her) admired your "elegant articulation, when compared to that yokel cowboy GW Bush". Sadly, she broke her hip and was unable to get to the hospital because she sold her car from fear of greenhouse gas emissions. She will die knowing she helped the planet. And in lots of pain.
The only shameful thing about our welcoming you was the increase occurance of people using your name as a cuss word. Many times I heard people banging their finger with a hammer and saying "OW....Gawww!!", instead of the preferred 'Stray-yun curse using the name of Jesus (the first Palestinian Suicide Bomber). What has happened to our proudly secular nation who once ridiculed Kristianity as a national hobby? What happened to celebrating secularity by marginalising Kristians whilst kissing the bums of our revolutionary friends from the progressive Religion of Peace? Well, that's what you get for becoming a prophet of such high standing.
You, I mean. Not Jesus.
Thank you for your help on bio-diversity projects. You will be pleased to know that this week we prevented the building of a private surgery to save an endangered ecosystem of little brown frogs.
Where was I? Oh yes...I realise this has nothing to do with technology, although I would mention I used a computer to write this. I just wanted to talk to you. You had me at hello.
Beezelbob Brown. Stray-yun Greens
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Ah yes, I enjoyed very much my stay in Down Under. In fact, for that trip I had invented a special glue that kept my hat from falling off my head while standing upside down. I missed my home a lot in Australia too, so every night before going to bed I would stand on my head for a couple of hours and it helped me mentally to stay in touch with my constituents Up Over Here in the United States.
And yes, I heard Ow....Gawww a lot while there. I knew they were greeting me because before the trip I had ordered reruns of "How to speak Australian" video tutorials on my Current TV channel just so I could brush up on it. and it helped.
I'm glad Australian people know how to use computers despite them living so far away and such. I hope that after typing this post you immediately unplugged your monitor so that the glare wouldn't attract into your room endangered Australian species such as Koala and those little brown frogs.
Sorry about your mother, but we all need to sacrifice for The Greater Good™. If she's still alive tell her Ow Gawww says it's a moral issue.
Yesterday, the conservative/Christian/fascist radio talk show host Michael SSavage was boasting yesterday that Marxists in France were claiming to have scientific proof that global warming is not real, saying you were exploiting your movie for personal gain. My problem is that as an open minded socialist Demokrat, I am unable to think for myself. Who do I believe? You, the legitimate president of the U.S.S.A., inventor of more gadgets than Thomas Edison (did you invent Edison too?), or our comrades in France, the leader in the fight against U.S. imperialism and democracy. Or is it possible that these "Marxists" denying you are a capitalist/RepugliKKKan invention to discredit you? Please help me!!!
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Now, now! It's not as bad as you think. Like I said at the Oscars, Global Warming is no longer a scientific issue but a moral issue. And moral in Marxism is everything that advances Progress™. It's similar to Global Warming - if it's hot it's Global Warming, and if it's cold it's also Global Warming. If you see a cloud in the sky it's Global Warming. Even if it's not true but it helps to raise awareness, it's moral to keep saying it.
So if the French Marxists decided that it's beneficial for Progress™ to denounce Global Warming in that particular place on that particular Tuesday, this probably helps them better to advances Marxism. I'm sure they will embrace Global Warming again when it becomes beneficial for Marxism in France, or by next Wednesday - whichever comes first. Because, comrade, the issue is not the issue - the Revolution is the issue.
Moral relativity, comrade, is the best invention since sliced bread and lobotomy.
I write you in dismay over these anti-warming degenerates who continue to push their political cause celebre by denying the absolute truth -- that global warming is due to humans and will cause the oceans to rise in anger thus drowning us all.
I have seen one particular clan of skeptocrats (passing themselves off as members of the brotherhood of climate workers no less) claiming that the SUN is warming us all rather than our corrupt polluting capitalist entities! How silly and absurd -- even the young comrades in my people's housing and detention complex can tell you the sun is hundreds of thousands of miles away! Would a space heater work from outer space? Pshaw!
I DEMAND an inquiry -- even SPORTS ILLUSTRATED has seen the truth in Global Warming. The brilliant and willowy Cameron Diaz has lectured extensively with you on the topic. Will men like Halliburton never learn?
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But you gotta love the SI cover, Doctor! The message is nice and simple: You stupid beer-soaked baseball fans, you don't care about the penguins, you don't care about the polar bears and Kilimanjaro? So we'll flood your stupid redneck baseball field with water, how about that? Will you listen to us now? We're changing the rules! Time to pay attention. The vengeful God of Global Warming will flood every single sports arena and smite the nonbelievers! Mwahahahahaha!!! Something like that.
But I still like May 2006 Vanity Fair cover better. Al Gore with Julia Roberts, George Clooney, and RFK Jr. "A threat graver than terrorism: Global Warming" You can't beat that.
Don't worry about the skeptocrats. I just finished a new book hat deals with them. You can pre-order it on Amazon as hardcover, softcover, audiotape, CD-Rom, DVD, and in combination with a hot water bottle.
I'm accusing the skeptocrats of exactly what I'm doing to them. Works every time. Just click on the cover!
HillaryCare, which you supported, would have created a vast new monstrosity of gubmint bureaucrats who would direct and control all health care expenditures, procedures, etc., which presumes that every American (and illegal alien) has a "right" to Cadillac-quality medical services from cradle to grave.
Does this not conflict with your advocacy of Juche?
And is this not one more contradiction of yours - re your scolding of Americans to trim back their use of energy, while you remain one of the largest consumers of energy (along with fatty foods)?
Eagerly awaiting your clarification -
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There isn't a problem in the world that can't be solved by alternative fuels. Example. Students of Progress™ know that every single problem in the world comes from capitalism. Capitalism is fueled by selfishness. Therefore, if we find an alternative fuel to selfishness, we can fix all world's problems. I have invented such alternative fuel - and it's self-sacrifice. But since most people may agree to self-sacrifice only occasionally - instead of the required 24/7 all year round - they'll always be looking for ways to slack off. A World Socialist Government must be established to catch those slackers and sacrifice them for the Common Good™. International research has shown that self-sacrifice and compassion work best when they are mandated and enforced by the government, in combination with planned economy and a strict but fair rule by a beloved supreme leader. Thus the most humane government is that which enforces a total and far-reaching human sacrifice.
So here's your alternative fuel to capitalist greed and selfishness. Problem solved.
Now, speaking about free Cadillac-quality medical services from cradle to grave, this baby runs best on ethanol as proven by our Russian comrades whose extensive research into cheap alcohol-based solutions is well-known. It also shortens the distance between cradle and grave, which saves the government a lot resources. With this in mind we invented a new alternative product that is now quickly replacing Kool-Aid® as preferred mind-altering substance of progressive elites:
Corn ethanol based
GLOBAL WARMING VODKA!
Not only is it a cheap alternative solution to life's problems. It also
• Raises awareness
• Promotes social bonding
• Improves determination to fight social causes
• Advances dependency on government agencies
• Creates a realistic illusion of melting icecaps
• Replaces the need for tedious scientific research
• Appropriate for all ages
But you completely avoided my questions about your consumption of energy, and fatty foods.
As you're intent on promoting your leftarded vodka, OK, I'll take the bait. If the general population all become alcoholics, won't that severely impact the availability of healthy livers to transplant into party leaders, such as yourself? I mean, wouldn't you have to mandate that a minimum number of clones be created just to provide for a safe, ready supply of organs such as livers, for harvesting and transplant into enlightened supreme leaders such as yourself?
Also, I think your promoting alcholoism in the masses is a real gubmint jobs-killer. After all, even with all the paperwork necessary for registration to get the vodka, account for how much you drink, when you develop symptoms of alcoholism and eventually die from it, there will be much less economic activity, hence much less taxes generated, hence much fewer gubmint beancounters, and so on.
I don't know what the solution is, Comrade Al, but I have full faith that you, Tipper and the rest of the loonbat brigade will do your best to solve these and other pernicious problems!
Your pal,
JonQuixote
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Dear concerned friend! Me, I'm just an IT guy. My job is to invent things and make sure they get implemented. The consequences of my actions will somehow be handled by some other guys. I don't know, I think mainstream media is in charge of making bad things go away. And if they fail, there are will always be Republicans to clean up after us. They always do.
Never let consequences distract you from thinking about Progress™!
Since seeing your movie recently, I decided to do my part to reverse the effects of capitalist caused global warming by leaving the refrigerator door open. Then I had the thought that a doorless refrigerator would be a great invention. What do you think, Comrade?
And what advice do you have for me that I might also be a People's Inventor?
But that is not why we drive them, right? We drive them to REPRESENT! Raise awareness! Heighten sensitivity! Because global warming is not the issue - the Revolution is the issue!
My carbon offset program is the same as the doorless refrigerator, so to speak. Except it has the potential of making me a billionaire, financing my bid for presidency over planet Earth. You must understand, comrade, that Global Warming calls for the creation of a controlling world government, and who of all people is a better candidate to sit at the wheel? That's right.
Think big! Think different! Doorless microwave ovens will soon heat your apartments in the winter, and doorless bathrooms will reduce everyone's time spent on a toilet, thus increasing overall productivity, encouraging people to keep more of their greenhouse gases inside, and allowing for a greater control by watchful family members over your use of toilet paper and the number of flushes.
Join us in the doorless world!
You are a true People's Inventor, comrade Jonovich - even though the idea of the doorless world originally belongs to Yoko Ono. But Yoko Ono is too a true People's Inventor who has taught his wife John Lennon a few progressive tricks.
How shall we respond to capitalist pigs who laugh when the latest global hunting party comes back frostbitten?
Socialistically yours,
Markov Aureliovich
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Three words: fried ice cream.
If that argument doesn't work, refer them to the award-winning scientific documentary The Day After Tomorrow. It was created precisely for this purpose.
President Gore, it has been unusually cold today for April. Was that white stuff I saw falling from the sky today snow?
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Friend, the last time I checked, I work with technology...I'm not a meteorologist...plus, you've got to be mistaken. The earth is warming up, not cooling down. You must be imagining things.
Here's my advice...Take out your gas-guzzling SUV and drive through as many city streets as possible. This will warm up your area very quickly, creating very inefficient gas mileage while putting out "harmful greenhouse gases", and you won't see any more snow.
Something has been nagging at me for weeks and I have finally decided to ask. I am planning on a Union outing for the brotherhood at a local municipal park, and was thinking about borrowing your jet- fueled BBQ. It then occurred to me, that you appear to be using a V-8 engine. Or are you referring to the Fuel Injectors as the Jets? Very confused. Is the fuel some sort of a hybrid mix? I mean, where is the air intake for the jet? Where is the compression chamber and the turbine easily identified on a jet engine? So I concluded, since that is not a JET engine BBQ, and only a Jet Fueled BBQ as stated in your picture, that I need to ask where I should pick up the correct fuel composition necessary for such a contraption. Any plans for an actual jet-fueled JET BBQ?
I hope my questions don't dissuade you from lending me this contraption for the annual. My minions and enforcers look forward to utilizing your BBQ. Stop by for a cold one if your in the area.
Your good friend and Hard-Core Socialist
UB
P.s. Your BBQ grill looks incredibly similar to the Hemi powered V-8 BBQ grill constructed by Chrysler Group. I thought that YOU were the contest winner who submitted the idea, but why call it a jet when its a V8. Something fishy going on but my lips are sealed. http://www.gizmag.com/go/4397/
As you know the polar Ice caps on Mars are Melting. Is that caused by SUVs and factories too? Is there some kind of Martian Oil Products that I don't know about? Is there an OPEM (Organization of Petroleum Exporting Martians), or is Halliburton responsible for this too? At what point are we going to begin our battle against capitalism on Mars or intergalactically?
P.S. The picture below shows the People's Moonraker. Launched to the Moon in the 1970s, it was burglarized and its tires were stolen during the lunar eclipse, after which it was abandoned. Letters with fines from the Sanitation Department are being thrown away properly recycled.
Yet once again I spewed my chicory flavored tepid drink all over my People's Supplied communion device.
It gives me a warm fuzzy socialist feeling to know our movement is alive and well.....
Wait a minute....that warm fuzzy feeling?
Should it have lumps?
A party trucker dumped an entire truck load of these curious obelisks in the woods. He said something about earning more food credits from the party insurance than hauling the load. He earned my silence with a pack of American cigarettes.
Al, what are these strange things?
I am concerned about electricity, especially since my local public utility keeps expecting me to pay for electricity. And they call themselves "public"--how mean-spirited can they get, demanding payment for a public and common good?
Anyway, I went out to check my mail on this cold winter day. When I touched the mailbox, I received two nasty shocks: one, from static electricity; the other, the termination notice for my electricity. Later back inside while shuffling about my carpeted floor with my woolens on, I received a couple more static shocks. And that's when the light came on (well, mine, as in, my head's, since my home's lights are now semi-permanently off):
Why not power my house by collecting the static electricity created by rubbing woolens and balloons against my hair and skin?
Comrade Gore, have I not found the true People's Power that will end forever the greed and oppression of Big Electricity by giving them a jolt of the Revolution?
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Here's my answer. I came up with it during one of my Leer Jet trips to Asia. The place was crawling with useless, carbon-breathing babies. The babies are the ultimate mindless consumers. They don't contribute anything to society except waste, gas, noise, and general disturbance.They are perpetually moving obstacles that can trip you up and literally impede your progress towards a brighter, enlightened future.
So I thought, if babies are crawling around aimlessly anyway, why not slip them into static-generating pads connected to the community power grid? Let them earn their keep, sweep the floor, and protect the planet by generating renewable energy at the same time. I call it the TriplePlay™ formula.
For better results use it on a wall-to-wall carpet.
Hard wood or tile floors can be used for cleaning
with an automatic drooling function.
Educate you child about saving the planet
as it crawls around aimlessly anyway!
And don't forget to ask about Uncle Gore's BabyPower
QuietSource™ flatulence-powered generators!
In testimony to my crimson gratitude, I have donated all my carbon credits, including a few that were arranged in the blackmarket down in Nodong, a two-hour mule-trek from utopian Pyongyang, to the Common Good. Unfortunately, translation into Korean is sometimes inaccurate due to scheming capitalist pigs, so it seems my donation actually went to a Nigerian doing business in carbon credit trading from the security of the Common Market.
I am at a loss and have turned off my thermostat as self-punishment. Yet do not fear for me, Comrade Gore, for I warm myself in the passion of "An Inconvenient Truth." Well, I actually get my warming at my female comrade's digs, since my electricity is still cut off. But, being omnipotent as you are, you already knew that.
Through an unnamed Chicago-based source, I have acquired a handful of Obamanuts. The rumor is the deceptively hard to crack shells contain very gentle tasty meat. I have applied my Hillary Nutcracker to the Obamanuts, but--oddly enough and a mixed metaphor--it's Hillary's nuts that seem to have been cracked.
I know you're an IT specialist, but I trust your guidance in all things. Please tell me how you crack Obamanuts, because I know you've got a connection, probably a more reliable one than mine.
As a female inspired, "alpha male", you must cramp up at least once a month. My question is, How do you deal with that bloated, uncomfortable, "I'm not pretty", portion of your "curse"? Can you also recommend some environmentally friendly, feminine hygene products? (for my wife).
In your enlightened opinion, what light bulbs are better? The ones made in China? How many watts should I spent in my little condo property so the Party will approve it as "Green"?
You're a smart science guy, a go-to guy, a righteous Level 43 Earth Warrior dude. So can you help me with your omniscient input on "Lysenko and the Tragedy of Soviet Science"? It's for a book report.
My friend has invented a cold-fusion machine and has asked me to invest in its development. I have seen it in operation and I must say it is truly amazing! Using only discarded cigarette butts and a small amount of used motor oil it can produce enough energy to power Los Angeles and most of southern California for years on only a few kilos of fuel. The problem, Comrade, is that there is a small amount of discharge gases composed mostly of cigarette smoke and smog. I fear that, despite the obvious advantages of cheap, efficient and reliable power the future of such a device will come to naught because of the noxious discharge. Comrade, what do you think? I want to contribute to such a revolutionary scientific breakthrough that will bring cheap power to all the corners of the earth, but I fear, more than loss of my financial investment, the loss of my good name, being forever remembered as an advocate of cigarette smoke and smog. Surely you can see my dilemma, Comrade. What are your thoughts?
I am confused, during last night's Presidential debate between McSame and the media, The glorious Obamessiah stated that the government invented computer/internet WITHOUT mentioning Algore.
Algore, are you still there? Purged or house arrest? Who will care for the polar bears?
Comrade “Pul”
Tiglath-Pileser III
Over 2753 Years of Organizing Communities
Recently we've been having trouble here at the U.S. branch of the OKB coming up with designs for a new Sputnik. The one we have up there now has obviously defected from our socialist-realist data package (SRDP) and is now reporting that there have been decreasing temperatures in the lower troposphere for like a decade now. In other words, this bourgeois piece of space junk is spitting out more garbage than a Bomzhi with a hangover. Can you flush this floater for me?
Please, save us from the ravages of Global Warming!!!
The Heretic's have caused us to experience a blizzard here in Portland, OR!! Make them stop and declare to the world that Global Warming is Real!!! Save us and make this snow storm stop!!!
It has come to the party's attention that you have not met your quota of bombings on the vile oil companies buildings.
Due to this notice, Kommissar Barack Valya Obamavich will not be appointing you to a position of power. It is my personal recommandation that you report to the Ministry of Love for deletion of personality.
Hail to the Red Faction!
-Sergey Ilyanich Stepanenko
Dear Mr. Gore
My computer hates me. When I turn it on, the sound card swears at me, and the monitor moons me. Then the computer sticks it's DVD drive out at me and shuts down. What do I do? I'm about ready to use a glorious people's bayonet attached to a revolutionary thunderstick and send this sucker to capitalist hell.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
buy this sticker
Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
