Earth Day: a day of action to save the earth from farmers, ranchers, mining, timber, oil, chemical companies, and anyone else who seeks to utilize the earth's resources to enhance, enrich, and extend the lives of Americans and others worldwide. Characterized by the media's massive awareness drive to (a) remind the world that American capitalists are raping the earth and stealing its riches, thus causing all of the planet's environmental problems; (b) advocate a greater government control of land, resources, and industries; and (c) increase the constantly growing white male guilt levels. A great way to politicize spring cleaning and give an ideological rationalization for the rebirth of nature.
(From The People's Glossary)
Earth Day: Bush Shovels Earth In Punishment
The picture above, taken off the government website EarthDay.gov, documents the punishment that a coalition of progressive activists imposed on the neo-imperialistic criminal George Bush as part of International Earth Day celebration April 22nd.
The original Earth Day was celebrated in San Francisco on March 21, 1970 on the initiative of John McConnell who on his site explains that March 21 is the date to celebrate Easter, Equinox, and Earth at the same time. Why was then official Earth Day moved to April 22, who moved it and when? The official Earth Day Network does not mention the switch. But then it doesn't mention Orwell's 1984 either.
The Earth Day idea was picked up by all progressive organizations, as it was a great way to politicize the rebirth of nature and provide ideological underpinning for spring cleaning activities. In fact it was so progressive that it could no longer be associated with Easter. Earth Day had to be moved further away from religion and closer to communism.
The first Communist Earth Day organized by Lenin on his own birthday, April 22, 1919, in the Kremlin
Apart from raising our awareness about capitalism as the source of the world's troubles, Earth Day is a celebration of uncompensated collective work for the Greater Good. Thus both Earth Day and Subbotnik coincided on so many levels that it was only logical to combine them into one holiday. The Left had already taken over the environmental movement in the past, now they took over Earth Day and turned it into a communist holiday. That was not so hard to do, considering that international progressive movements own the American mass media and educational establishments.
April 22 is known in Russia as Lenin's birthday and is traditionally celebrated by uncompensated shoveling of earth. The event is called the Communist Subbotnik, or the Sacrificial Earth Shoveling Day. On a Saturday around that day all workers, peasants, and toiling intelligentsia are supposed to donate to the Worker's State a day of free labor - either at workplace or on communal property - cleaning streets, digging earth in public parks and lawns, etc. It is a good educational experience for the proletarians, reinforcing in them true communist values - sacrifice through hard uncompensated labor, humility, and respect for authority of the Party's founder. It also provides a metaphysical experience wherein the proletarians can reach the state of spiritual enlightenment as motes of a vast collective. Vodka also helps.
Russian government officials celebrate Lenin's Birthday by ritualistic shoveling of earth in front of their office.
Thus we, the progressive forces, have made the whole world, including George Bush, unwittingly celebrate Lenin's birthday, and participate in the Subbotnik. This is similar to what we did with Klara Zetkin's International Women's Day on March 8. In related news, the Progressive Caucus is developing legislation to move Thanksgiving to November 7, the day of Bolshevik Revolution that brought Communism to Russia .
Why don't we celebrate "The Earth Day" on April 20? It would be better.
April 20 is Hitler's birthday. Hitler is an important ideological weapon helping us win just about any argument with right-wingers. As such he must be viewed as pure evil at all times. This, of course, creates a philosophical paradox: everybody knows that morality is relative and there is no such thing as absolute good or absolute evil. The answer is that Hitler is a necessary exception. If he didn't exist he'd have to be invented. What makes him so evil? It doesn't matter. He's evil, period. You needn't know unless you are an advanced student of the Progressive theory. If you are, then you must know that Hitler is evil because he wanted to create socialism for the White man only - National Socialism. We the Progressives want quite the opposite. Hitler also promoted the concept of uncompensated labor for the Greater Good (labor camps) but his Greater Good was different from our Greater Good (see above). That's where it gets tricky and any further discussions should only be allowed to Party-approved professors of Progressive science.
And remember - every rule has exceptions including this rule and exceptions from it!
As far as the holidays go, we can, perhaps, combine Hitler's birthday with such politically incorrect holidays as Columbus Day, or such reactionary holidays favored by right-wing Christian fundamentalists as Christmas. In fact, we are going to write an instructive letter to the Progressive Caucus asking them to legislate just that.
I invented most things except Earth Day which was invented by Lenin. So I used my other invention to go back in time and bring back Lenin in time for Earth Day.
This year on Earth Day, as usual, I led the students of my graduate seminar outside to hold class in the shade of an evergreen grove. Unfortunately, it took us a while to find a suitable patch of shade, as many other progressive professors had decided to follow the precedent that I set years ago. Shameless dilettantes!
Nevertheless, we sat on the grass in a circle. But instead of discussing relevant course material, we read excerpts from the beloved Kyoto Treaty. What a glorious and essential document! Afterwards, I asked the students to take a moment to reflect on their relationship with nature and then draw a picture illustrating it. To my dismay, a few students demurred, saying that they could not draw very well.
I felt like a real, insensitive jerk for a moment. Then, I had a brilliant idea, which is not an infrequent occurrence, dare I say. I found the two best artists in the class and insisted that they do everyone's drawings for them. Oh, the beauty of "from each...to each"! It was a happy Earth Day, indeed.
Every year on Earth Day my proletarian brethren and I drive to LA in a convoy of escalades throwing seeds out the window in styrofoam containers (to protect them of course) along the highways on the way. Yes, we live in the Peoples Commonwealth of Virginia and the gas is outrageously exspensive to get to LA but we manage to make it on the leftover Central Committee graff which has allowed us to make the trip. Once in LA we rendevous with protestors and then huddle in a few of those Hummer Limosines to shout the passerbys who drive SUV's instead of the much more Earth friendly Hybrids. After re-educating the public, we make our way down the avenues signing praises of the upcoming Demokratic November Revolution and the great contributions Lenin made to the Amerikan peoples. I just don't know why more people could'nt be as Earth freindly as we are.... It makes me sick all those people who dont care for our beloved Earth, ITS THE ONLY ONE WE GOT!!!
Nikita Khrushchev, Soviet Premier after Joseph Stalin, decided in 1955 that the country should celebrate their national political philosophy, communism. He chose as the day, April 22, Vladimir Lenin's birthday, a tribute to the founder of the Soviet Union. When environmentalists decided that the Earth deserved a day of celebration in 1970, they could have picked any day of the year, as no one knows the exact day date of the Earth's birthday. They chose Lenin's birthday, just as Khrushchev had done. Was this just a coincidence? I think not.
No, comrades! It was NOT just a coincidence! It was the COMMON DENOMINATOR!
Thank you so much for the newsletter properly reminding me of this glorious earth day and all the wonderful things the people need to keep in mind. Also thank you for not sending these letters more often, for they lead me to this site and I spend way too much time enjoying this.
Damn... it's already April 23 and I missed my coerced Earth Day comment by two hours.... sh*t... I could be shot for this!
Errhmmm.
This year for Earth Day (or the day after Earth day) I will be making a special trip around the world in a gas guzzling 747 jumbo-jets to proclaim the beginning of the end! Yes, in time the world will become a smoltering hot volcano if we do not get Algore (PBUH) on the ticket with Her Most Exalted Excellency, Hillary Rodham Clinton. I will be accompanied by no one (I refuse to car-pool with others) and shall be shuttled around in a tank/limousine (spray painted green to show my solidarity) through the beautiful streets of Paris (no, Theocritus, you are not coming with me... I have no time to drop you off at a local Bath House... too much money is at stake this year and too many under fed models need my progressive help... among other things.). In Paris I will be making a brief 50 word speech on why Socialism works and why that hag Royal should be elected and blah blah blah. I will then venture to the local whore house to plant trees, pay for a sensual massage with OPM and conclude with a visit to Dr. P's vineyards (where I will receive another sensual massage from whatever bulimic French model he has running around in her paper mache g-string.)
Yes comrades... I do this for the Common Good and on behalf of saving Mother Earth/Gaia/ Church of Climatology/ OPM/ Lenin and whatever else excuses my Demokrat decadence.
I too did my part for Earth Day yesterday! I had a cook out. I lit up the old Kingsford charcoal briquettes and barbecued many a hamburger, hot dog, and sirloin steak. Everyone from the Country Club ... er ... "kommune" was there. Mmmm... Mmmm... But I did do my part for the environment. Before lighting my grill, I attached the new "Algore-nator 5000 Ultra Violet Air Purification System" to the hood of the grill!!!
Yes, It removes all carbon emissions from the from the gases produced by the charcoal. Nevermind the fact that I had to have the local coal burning power plant install a 5,000 Mega-Watt circuit at my estate ... er ... "dacha" in order to power it. Yes! I do my part to protect the environment as all good socialists should! Because .... I Care™.
And NO Comrade Theocritus, you cannot use it to "treat" that rash you developed after you returned from Thailand. Chairman Meow makes sure Lupe uses it properly to blow dry Comrade Pelosivich's armpit hair when I am not using it for my barbecues.
Damn... it's already April 23 and I missed my coerced Earth Day comment by two hours.... sh*t... I could be shot for this!
No worries, Punch Diddy, for isn't every day "Earth Day™"?
You're part of the nomenklatura now, so no need to worry about such petty things as "deadlines" - we have an army of virtuous and heroic proletarian workers who are responsible for meeting them, while we work on behalf of their Greatergood™ (Gg™), of course. We do it out of a sense of noblesse oblige, but it's a burden we willing bear. And nothing leads to the Gg™ like a personal sojourn in France for a member of the Party's Inner Circle™ (PIC™).
BTW, Vivienne Lyotard, a true gift of Bacchus' vine, will see that you are properly accomodated when you reach Chateau Babeauf this evening.
Enjoy, mon ami! Here's to letting our offshore accounts get "greener" by the day!
<whispers to Dr. P> I know Doc, I have to say that there is a possibilty of me being shot while in the presence of the proles so that they will think we are actually <snicker> accountable! <busts of laughing>.
Errrhhhmmm.... that's right Dr. P <wink> I might be shot for forgetting about one the holiest days in our revolutionary calendar. My goodness, Lenin forbid if I were to forget May Day! LENIN FORBID! I just hope no one else makes such a grave error. <looks right at Lupe>
Praise Gore from whom all knowledge flows
Praise Global Warming for we know
There's power to grab with tons of dough
Praise Marx, Lenin, and Stalin's Ghost
Speaking of the Goremons. Did you all hear about the heroic apostles of Goremonism, Sheyl "1 ply" Crow, and Laurie "Gulf Stream V" David, confronting Global Warming denier Karl Rove? Surely with such committed Crusaders.. errr. Inquisitors...uhhhmm.. Zealots... darn I just can't come up with a phrase.. ah.. Trumpeters as these, the Church of Latter Day Climatology will one day reign unchallenged. Laurie David even unwittingly reveals her faith in the Goremon Stone by sighting part of the 8 commandments of Goremonism:
If this rock is wet... It's Global Warming
If this rock is swaying... It's Global Warming
If this rock is hot... It's Global Warming
If this rock is cool... It's Global Warming
If this rock is white... It's Global Warming
If this rock is blue... It's Global Warming
If this rock is gone... It's Global Warming
If this rock is glowing... Gaia is about to smite thee
Remember, the Goreacle is watching you this Earth Day.
You're part of the nomenklatura now, so no need to worry about such petty things as "deadlines" - we have an army of virtuous and heroic proletarian workers who are responsible for meeting them
As it was once written, "All animals are equal. But some animals are more equal than others!". Just ask Comrade Bill Clinton!
Besides, no one cares™ more for the proles than us!
I have to head for Neiman-Marcus to purchase new china and dinner ware. Marty Stewart is coming over to speak about her experiences in a Wimmin's Prison. Her Excellency, HRC, should come and listen to what close camaraderie can be found when immersed in an all-femayl environment.
BTW: Meow? Is Lupe through using my Algore-nator 5000? I'm planning another barbecue for the weekend. Some of the major oil company CEOs are coming over to the county club ... er... "kommune" to discusss ripping off ... er ... I mean ... assisting the proles!
Praise Gore from whom all knowledge flows
Praise Global Warming for we know
There's power to grab with tons of dough
Praise Marx, Lenin, and Stalin's Ghost
A-genderneutral
Rev. L. Space Dogged
Laika, I neglected to tell how how fitting your doxology is, and it arrived on my birthday. And how lucky I am to share a birthday with that heroing of the Bug Eyed Queens, Babs Streisand. Once it got out that I shared Ste. Barbara's birthday, the BEQs™ Theocritus Ltd., laid Teddy Bears outside the front door of my dacha, in the ivory that Babs wears only since Donna Karan told her that ivory was her color. It reflects her nose less than other colors. Once, in the 70s, Babs wore a sequined jacket and the flood lights caused a reflection of her nose off the sequins jiggling in resonant frequency to her vibrato and it hit the exact frequency to cause seizures. There are still about 100 dancing queens (™ ABBA) in a perpetual fugue on a stage in New York.
You'll note that this is the one place in New York, or indeed the world, that is utterly secure from terrorist attack.
Praise Gore from whom all knowledge flows
Praise Global Warming for we know
There's power to grab with tons of dough
Praise Marx, Lenin, and Stalin's Ghost
Commissar, could you please help your poor Comrade by filling him in on the Party Plans for the possible hurricanes? Just 2 years ago your very own Comrade Pupovich had to endure both Hurricane Comrade Katrina and Comrade Rita within but a few weeks of each other. As it happens, Katrina was to my right, Rita to my left, so I got a bit of both of these hurricanes the evil Bush created. Now we have another possible killer in the Gulf! That Bush just can't be stopped it seems! I fear we may not have enough proles here to serve my needs should the state get hit again, and of course Chocolate Nagin will be too busy rounding up school busses. Do you have any suggestions?
Start stealing now. Why wait to get your Cadillac the way the Nawlins cops did? And blame Bush, of course, if you get caught.
Steal everything that you can, all the time, and blame Bush. Sock the money away and blame Bush. If it's cloudy, blame Bush.
That is wise advice of course, but I have already began making those preparations and of course that is Bush's fault. What I was wondering frankly, is whether I could reduce my quota of denunciations for the remaining of the Bush Hurricane season so that I can make use of the extra proles? I can put them to good use hauling my meager goods in my Dacha after the Bush storm, and of course I can make use of the pilfered ammunition and shovels after the storm is through.
Yes, of course. I have found a great labor-saving device, though: I have started training choirs of people to chant, "It's Bush's fault." The problem though is that the ones that are particularly tireless are snapped up by CBS News and The New York Times. Damned poaches of good denunciators.
Thank you Commissar Theocritus, you are most generous. I will of course keep my list of people to denounce up to date during the Bush Hurricane Season so I can still meet and surpass my quota quickly. You too are at risk during the Bush Hurricane Season Da? I hope your Dacha and office are not in direct risk of this Bush Dean hurricane.
No, Commissar Pupovich, my vacation Dacha is on South Padre Island, but my true home, where the proles groan under my heel, is Pecos. But do not worry about my house--it can withstand a Force Five hurricane. I learned my lesson when Rosie and Our Many Titted Empress both came down and Bruno had forgotten to put in the three-phase for the Hildo Hydra 7.1. The rage, the rage. First National Bank of Harlingen shifted enough on its foundation that it cracked a water main. So my dacha is well secured for a storm. But I do thank you for your concern. A thousand proles were worked to death to do it, but no matter, because it was For The People, which you are far enough advanced into the Party to know that it means, For Me.
No, Commissar Pupovich, my vacation Dacha is on South Padre Island, but my true home, where the proles groan under my heel, is Pecos. But do not worry about my house--it can withstand a Force Five hurricane. I learned my lesson when Rosie and Our Many Titted Empress both came down and Bruno had forgotten to put in the three-phase for the Hildo Hydra 7.1. The rage, the rage. First National Bank of Harlingen shifted enough on its foundation that it cracked a water main. So my dacha is well secured for a storm. But I do thank you for your concern. A thousand proles were worked to death to do it, but no matter, because it was For The People, which you are far enough advanced into the Party to know that it means, For Me.
I am most relieved to know that you are not at risk in any way. It is good to have many proles between you and a hurricane as they act as a wind and water barrier to the Bush Hurricanes. Of course when the glorious day arrives, which is not far off, when the Party takes power, there will be no more hurricanes.
However, we may find it useful to continue producing hurricanes for they do have the desired effect of "thinning out" the less useful proles. How well I remember sitting out on the front porch of my dacha during both Bush Hurricanes Katrina and Rita and contemplating the sheer utilitarian possibilities of man made hurricanes. Now this did not come without a price as yours truly had to live without electricity for several weeks. Of course this was before I had seen the light of the Party's wisdom. You would not believe the way these "storms" cleared out useless trees in my area, antiquated power lines, and later raised the price of living accommodations to further clear out the lesser proles.
Oh, and remind the Pup to tell you his Bush Hurricane Katrina IRS story one day! But I know you must be busy right now overseeing some Party Work or engaged in some well deserved recreation.
Yes, Commissar Pupovich. I spend today visiting sick people at the Reeves County Hospital, got the pharmacist drunk, and walked off with all the drugs.
Yes, Commissar Pupovich. I spend today visiting sick people at the Reeves County Hospital, got the pharmacist drunk, and walked off with all the drugs.
I do hope you remembered to send the pharmacist a bill for the alcohol you lavished upon him?
You think I didn't? And I sold his wife into white slavery too, and blamed the Republicans for it.
The Pup is sorry Commissar for even allowing a smidgen of doubt to enter the Pup's thoughts, he really should know better by now. The Pup is just too distracted planning his fact finding mission for eco prostitution.
Commissar, all is forgiven. When you go on your fact-finding mission for eco-prostitution, be sure to take Michael Moore with you. You can sell him by the pound to pygmy head-hunters for tons of the poison that they use on their darts. It's very nice for getting into bank vaults, you know.
Commissar, all is forgiven. When you go on your fact-finding mission for eco-prostitution, be sure to take Michael Moore with you. You can sell him by the pound to pygmy head-hunters for tons of the poison that they use on their darts. It's very nice for getting into bank vaults, you know.
I have tried to take Moore with me in the past, but alas, will do so no more. It was all I could do to find a rickshaw that he could fit in, and then he waddles so slowly getting me there I missed my appointment and had to settle for er.. an "interview" with a "consultant" that looked remarkably like the description I have read here of the Many Titted Empress.
Was this before or after Our Many Titted Empress had her tusks surgically removed? It took three surgeons two days and they had to operate in shifts. And the plastic surgery to remake her lips--there's a reason for that snarl.
Ah, but I do love that woman. Last year we were wandering around DC, all drunk on virgin's blood, well H8 takes hers straight but I have a Bloody Mary with Mumbai Non-Conflict Sapphire gin, and we found ourselves outside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. With an agility I've only seen in Oympic pole-vaulters, our MTE jumped over the fence and tried to get back inside.
What a ruckus she set up, there under the search lights, her hooves making divots in the yard, her tusks flashing in the Klieg lights, sod flying everywhere, all just trying to get into the Oval Office to see to its redecoration by DuPont--the best latex you know.
It took every single drug at GWU hospital to sedate her. What a memory. The DC Chief of Police took a leave of absence and is reportedly doing very well making baskets.
Was this before or after Our Many Titted Empress had her tusks surgically removed? It took three surgeons two days and they had to operate in shifts. And the plastic surgery to remake her lips--there's a reason for that snarl...... With an agility I've only seen in Oympic pole-vaulters, our MTE jumped over the fence and tried to get back inside.
Great Stalin's Ghost! It may have indeed been the MTE post detusking surgery. All I can say is the creature... er.... lady, had some lips that protruded so far they reminded me of an S&S carburetor on a 47 Knucklehead, though not as classy and appeared to be holding on by only one bolt as it was way off kilter. She was wearing some silicon based purple and gold vacuum grease that I presumed at the time was her idea of makeup, though it was so thick, and oozed some sort of secretion that it could have easily been a post surgery site.
But what really makes me wonder is your description of her "athletic" ability. For as it happens, I discovered as I was trying to leave, that I had mistakenly left my Party discount card in my Zil (it was sometime back before I had moved up in the party, and it did make a good undercover vehicle). As I was trying to go get this card, this creature seemed to get the wrong impression and actually thought yours truly was trying to "stiff them" for the second, or was it a third or even fourth time? My memory is a bit hazy. I heard this blood curdling howl from the very depths of the Gulag as I was shutting the ornamental iron gate. I turned just in time to see this creature seem to fly over the gate. Were it not for her... how does one describe such a thing.... her monkee like tail got tangled with the iron spikes on the gate. Needless to say, I proceeded to my car and left as quickly as possible. Could it have been her/it?
Yes, she can quite bestir herself when there is a dollar around. I found, from experience, that you could prowl the halls of the White House, that is before Laura scrubbed the pentagram from the floor of the Lincoln Bedroom, and as long as you didn't have a single penny in your pocket you were utterly invisible to our MTE.
Gather closer, Pup, this is entre nous. If, and I say if, our MTE grows too big for her britches, oh I don't mean bit in a normal sense, that's already happened, but really intolerable, you know, H8 intolerable, then I have a plan to off her. You cannot have a single thing of value on you, and that includes gold fillings, for she can smell that in a coma. But I think that we can strangle her as long as we don't use anything worth anything at all. I thought of using the guts of a DKos blogger, but then they're made of absolute water and not worth a damn. So I am at a loss. Suggestions?
Yes, she can quite bestir herself when there is a dollar around. I found, from experience, that you could prowl the halls of the White House, that is before Laura scrubbed the pentagram from the floor of the Lincoln Bedroom, and as long as you didn't have a single penny in your pocket you were utterly invisible to our MTE.
Gather closer, Pup, this is entre nous. If, and I say if, our MTE grows too big for her britches, oh I don't mean bit in a normal sense, that's already happened, but really intolerable, you know, H8 intolerable, then I have a plan to off her. You cannot have a single thing of value on you, and that includes gold fillings, for she can smell that in a coma. But I think that we can strangle her as long as we don't use anything worth anything at all. I thought of using the guts of a DKos blogger, but then they're made of absolute water and not worth a damn. So I am at a loss. Suggestions?
Well, Lenin Forbid should such a thing happen, we will have that going for us, we can be stealthy provided we ensure we have nothing of worth on our person. Of course that may mean we might have to do this sans clothing. But once she achieves the sort of mass we are talking about, ordinary methods of strangling would not be practical as she would be too large for any number of men to wrap around her throat, and at that level I am afraid the very folds of fat might act as a safety barrier. That being the case, one of my first thoughts would be to use either a noxious gas as that produced by any number of our useful idiots, Moore, Shitcan et al. Of course another possible scenario would not be by introducing a noxious gas, which in theory could be of value as an alternative fuel, rather to deny her oxygen. That being said I think it may be possible to achieve that using Biden or Murtha for instance. When such vacuous people such as they walk in, all oxygen is sucked from the room.
I like the idea of noxious gasses from Murtha et al ad nauseam. But in the night I had an idea. Why not manufacture some very long knives, weighted in the center, with a blade on each end, and very very sharp? When we throw them at our MTE, they will orbit her ass, turning around her center of gravity and will cut her ass to ribbons.
I like the idea of noxious gasses from Murtha et al ad nauseam. But in the night I had an idea. Why not manufacture some very long knives, weighted in the center, with a blade on each end, and very very sharp? When we throw them at our MTE, they will orbit her ass, turning around her center of gravity and will cut her ass to ribbons.
That would be the compassionate thing to do. For this would give the MTE a reason to try and decrease her mass, and should her mass increase, then the knives would eventually be drawn to her gravity well and cause her destruction. However, I do see 2 possible drawbacks.
1. Knives are of monetary value so she would be able to detect them from afar.
2. Should her mass continue to expand, and the knives were to collapse toward the center and destroy her, one of three things could happen, one of which would be extremely dangerous, another potentially dangerous.
a. If her mass is too dense, MTE would collapse into a true black hole sucking all matter within a certain distance into it. Naturally, this could be very bad should one find themselves too close at the time of collapse.
b. Depending on the mass, she could just shrink to a neutron star or a "white dwarf" though in her case it would more likely be another color all together. But this would probably be the best case scenario as at least it would likely give off radiation to serve as a warning, and while still a massive source of gravity, less than that of a black hole.
c. Yet another terrible possibility and this could coincide with the above, her mass could collapse to a point where the pressures could cause a supernova spewing her "awesomeness" all over the place. It could get really ugly.
We may be too late. A black hole eats everything. And everything going into the Event Horizon is spaghettified. But a supermassive black hole has such a large event horizon that things can wander about for a very long time without being spaghettified.
We may be there now. Can you see stars? No? I can't either...
It is the end...falls on knees...Holy Algore, forgive this man of my trespasses even though I never forgive anyone who trespasses against me. Don't do to me what I do to people who look at me funny...
We may be too late. A black hole eats everything. And everything going into the Event Horizon is spaghettified. But a supermassive black hole has such a large event horizon that things can wander about for a very long time without being spaghettified.
We may be there now. Can you see stars? No? I can't either...
It is the end...falls on knees...Holy Algore, forgive this man of my trespasses even though I never forgive anyone who trespasses against me. Don't do to me what I do to people who look at me funny...
On Stalin's Ghost, I fear you may be right! I also feel a bit stretched right now. Is there no hope? No mercy? What a horrible fate!
On Stalin's Ghost, I fear you may be right! I also feel a bit stretched right now. Is there no hope? No mercy? What a horrible fate!
Stretched? Oh dear, Comrade Pup... I did not know that you had been checked into our sister facility, The Jane Fonda Center for the Treatment of Anti-Socialist Behavior.
Far be it from me to waste precious State resources when there are so many in more need. Now of course, as Commissar of eco Prostitution and Mental Health, it is incumbent on me to review this facility from time to time. I am sorry to report that I saw a terrible waste of perfectly good beets and even potatoes being served to the residents there, who were clearly vegetative to begin with. I was however impressed by the Multi Titted Empress Group Therapy Wing, though I did have to wonder what part the electric milking machines had to do with therapeutic practice,
The purpose for the electric milking machines is to ensure our Many Tittied Empress' nipples remain soft and supple! It is a mighty job to nurse the proletariat of the world. So it is very important that her nips are in tip-top shape!
Comrades, I suggest that we nationalize Bristol Meyers to ensure an adequate supply of Many Titted Empress Nipple Balm. As Zampolit says, the World As We Know It will end, most surely end, if there is a crack in one of Our Many Titted Empress's many nipples.
But wouldn't a milking machine powered by some kulak guests of the Gulag be more appropriate than an electric one? Oh, I guess it is just me, longing for the good old days.
Yes, Commissar Pupovich, it would be more appropriate. But bear in mind that service to Our Many Titted Empress takes a discipline that one cannot automatically imply to proles. After all there is a reason that we sit on top. Our cast-iron stomachs.
Yes, Commissar Pupovich, it would be more appropriate. But bear in mind that service to Our Many Titted Empress takes a discipline that one cannot automatically imply to proles. After all there is a reason that we sit on top. Our cast-iron stomachs.
What was I thinking? Of course a prole powered milking machine is more appropriate for a lesser... lesser... er... what can one call a "lesser"version of the MTE? But only the finest of progressive technology will do for the Empress, as it should be.
Comrades, I suggest that we nationalize Bristol Meyers to ensure an adequate supply of Many Titted Empress Nipple Balm. As Zampolit says, the World As We Know It will end, most surely end, if there is a crack in one of Our Many Titted Empress's many nipples.
Oh, the humanity!
Indeed!!! Those of us who have been around here for several months or longer, remember what she did the last time one of her nipples developed a crack!!! For me, it brought to mind scenes from The Exorcist"
Zampolit, I shudder at visualizing your statement. Does that mean that her tit turned round and round with a creaking sound or that it threw up green ichor?
Green ichor, I hope--when we gain control over the Means of Production of the proles' food supply, we will need something much like Soylent Green but cheaper to produce and our MTE seems to have an inexhaustible supply.
Commissar Theocritus, have you forgotten? Once we have gained control, we will no longer have a need for inefficient and costly elections, and so we will no longer need the "dead vote." That is a renewable resource for prole food. We cannot ask the MTE to stoop to such menial needs.
Zampolit, I shudder at visualizing your statement. Does that mean that her tit turned round and round with a creaking sound or that it threw up green ichor?
Green ichor, I hope--when we gain control over the Means of Production of the proles' food supply, we will need something much like Soylent Green but cheaper to produce and our MTE seems to have an inexhaustible supply.
Actually Comrade Dr. Theocritus, it did both. But an injection of collagen extracted from the flesh of 200 young virgin girls cured the affliction.
Soylent Green is a novel way to go! But I have an idea as to what to use as an additional food source for the proletariat. How about we also recycle proles that are still living but serve no purpose for The Party™? You know... like Krissy Keefer and Mama Moonbat. It's sort of like how the Dems and the "hard left" are cannibalizing each other these days.
Actually Comrade Dr. Theocritus, it did both. But an injection of collagen extracted from the flesh of 200 young virgin girls cured the affliction.
Er, I don't know how to break this to you Comrade other than just to say there was a small problem with your injection. The records indicate there was, shall we say, some impurities present. Suffice it to say, I have initiated an investigation.
Er, I don't know how to break this to you Comrade other than just to say there was a small problem with your injection. The records indicate there was, shall we say, some impurities present. Suffice it to say, I have initiated an investigation.
Damn it!!!
LUPE!!!!!!!! Where did you get that collagen? Say what? CHINA???
Er, I don't know how to break this to you Comrade other than just to say there was a small problem with your injection. The records indicate there was, shall we say, some impurities present. Suffice it to say, I have initiated an investigation.
Damn it!!!
LUPE!!!!!!!! Where did you get that collagen? Say what? CHINA???
I am so sorry to have to have been the one to break this news to you, but I really felt there was no choice. Rest assured, I have arrested all of the perpetrators but one who has continued to elude my security people so far.
Lupe has been instructed that Her Excellency demands only the purist collagen extracted from 200 young virgins and that in the future she will personally find 200 young virgins and extract the collagen herself! Any future failures and Speaker Nancsky Pelosivich will "deal" with her in a "special" way.
You realize of course that the only way tone can be certain about this to ensure a pure supply is for her to raise these children herself and to have a trusted guard to make sure no impurities enter the pool. Or, we can pour more resources into our cloning program.
Earth Day: April 22 is known in Russia as Lenin's birthday and is traditionally celebrated by uncompensated shoveling of earth. The event is called the Communist Subbotnik, or the Sacrificial Earth Shoveling Day. On a Saturday around that day all workers, peasants, and toiling intelligentsia are supposed to donate to the Worker's State a day of free labor - either at workplace or on communal property - cleaning streets, digging earth in public parks and lawns, etc.
WHAT THE HAY? Are you saying that in Mother Russia they perform uncompensated labor for only ONE day? While here, in the Kapitalist States of Amerikkka, we are willing to work, during some years, until early May, to pay our FAIR SHARE OF TAXES? It so happens that today, April 26th, is the so-called "Tax Freedom Day" -http://www.taxfoundation.org/publications/show/93.html - so as of today, if you must, you may spend the money the government lets you keep to horde more beets, potatos and rice (if you can find it, in the name of Stalin)
Well, what do you think of that, Red Square? Can't WE, as a nation do better? Can't we ALL just get along and work the WHOLE year for our Homeland®
! We could, in the great honor of socialism, call it Clintonist Stupidnik! What a glorious day it would be when we no longer have to balance our check books, or rely on the dangerous "voluntary compliance" laws when paying taxes and free ourselves of the ability to buy things impusively! I think in a few short months we will have the answer made for upon us.
WHAT THE HAY? Are you saying that in Mother Russia they perform uncompensated labor for only ONE day? While here, in the Kapitalist States of Amerikkka, we are willing to work, during some years, until early May, to pay our FAIR SHARE OF TAXES? It so happens that today, April 26th, is the so-called "Tax Freedom Day" -
You seem to be confused Comrade, too much Stoli perhaps? True socialism will not be achieved in this country by taxation, that is but a means to the end. In the glorious Motherland, the workers were liberated from the burden of taxation! To paraphrase my Uncle Koba - "no money, no taxes, no problem." The working class was compensated primarily by the blessings of universal health care, safety and security on the streets, the greatest technology, an education system second to none, no divisive political activity, and finally, peace and harmony in affairs between countries other than of course those states that would dare to take these blessings away from the workers. What little money that the workers were granted was not used as a means of one worker having more than others, rather just a way of tracking the products and services that the workers desired most so the state could plan more efficiently to provide.
We shall achieve this one day soon here, but first it is necessary to use and expand this tax system to ease the transition to a more equitable society.... sort of like easing the cat... er.... frog into a pot of water and then gradually turning up the heat.
You seem to be confused Comrade, too much Stoli perhaps? True socialismwill not be achieved in this country by taxation, that is but a means to the end. (SNIP) We shall achieve this one day soon here, but first it is necessary to use and expand this tax system to ease the transition to a more equitable society.... sortof like easing the cat... er.... frog into a pot of water and then gradually turning up the heat.
Oh No! Was I at it again? (HIC) A thousand pardons... I admit, sometimes after a long time of using pick axe and chains are finally removed, I need to kill pain with fermented potatoes. (HIC) It helps with state mandated Paxil go down easier before I go to second job as Hillarat vote rigger. But you helped clarify mein point. When Hillarat or Abominac are in orfice, 100% taxation is all the Amerikkkans will understand, you see!?! 100%
They will keep raising taxes until,as you so eloquently put it, like drunken frog in hot water! Or so methink like that. (HIC) We can focus then full time on our VERK! IT WILL BE A VERKERS PARIDISE AGAIN! MEIN FURHER... I CAN VALK! (HIC...HIC... HIC... THUD)
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Deniers drop tons of foot powder on Washington to emulate snow blizzard during hottest Global Warming winter on recordRadical anti- American leader blames US for Global Warming
O's first year in office: 2 million jobs saved, 76 major natural disasters prevented
O's SOTU changes meaning of "cultivate" to "cultiveight": build up a perception that the current woes are the result of the previous eight years
Dead-Americans claim voter fraud in Massachusetts: cemeteries denied access to polling places, Senator Kennedy demands recount
Defeated in Mass elections, Obama warns against getting a ride from anyone in Kennedy's seat
Mayor Nagin sends 200 school buses to Haiti; Gov. Blanco appointed to oversee construction of Superdome
Closer inspection of Kennedy Seat revealed it's an old car seat with water damage
Unusually cold winter causes liberals to keep hands in OWN pockets
Obama's DHS: Detroit attack 'wardrobe malfunction'
Air Force deploys eavesdropping spy plane codenamed 'Jewish mother'
Seven more women claim to have had lip exchanges with St. Nick underneath mistletoe
Mrs. Claus found standing over bleeding hubby next to wrecked sleigh,
holding nutcracker
North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment
Time editors still undecided who to select as 'Barack of the Year' in 2009
Obama revolutionizes war: 'leaving' is the new 'victory'
ACORN to change name to CHESTNUT; meaning of new acronym still being debated
Obama's new autobiography tentatively titled Going Rouge
Antartica's Ross Island Detainment Center (RID-C) receives first batch of climate-change skeptics
Obama saves big on high cost of turkey for the troops by delaying Afghan surge until after Thanksgiving
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Christmas & Healthcare Reform season classic: It's a Wonderful Death!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
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Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History