Someone emailed us a caption for this image "Doing the Darfur Shuffle." This prompted us to animate it so it looks more like a real party. Pick a tune you like to watch it with - below are some Party-approved suggestions. The best way to listen is put the mouse over the link and click on "play" inside the little window.
Incidentally I was listening to this song as I worked on the animation and I think it fits here as well with as any other picture with Obama on it. Here are the lyrics if you can't make out the words:
LIAR
by Argent, 1970 (Three Dog Night covered it in 1971)
I won't ever leave - while you want me to stay
nothing you could do - that could turn me away,
hanging on every word - believing the things I heard
being a fool.
You've taken my life - so take my soul
that's what you said - and I believed it all
I want to be with you - long as you want me to
I won't move away.
Ain't that what you said, ain't that what you said,
ain't that what you said?
Liar-Liar-Liar
May I see no night - may I see no day,
If I ever leave - while you want me to stay
You can believe in me - I won't be leaving, I won't let you go.
Ain't that what you said, ain't that what you said,
ain't that what you said?
Liar - Liar - Liar
You move it to the left
And you go for yourself
You move it to the right
Yeah if it takes all night
Now take it kinda slow
With a whole lot of soul
Don't move it too fast
Just make it last
You scratch just like a monkey
Yeah you do real cool
You slide it to the limbo
Yeah how low can you go?
Now come on baby
Don't fall down on me now
Just move it right here
To the Harlem shuffle
...
I don't know, I look at that picture and can't help thinking of something that sounds like the Hokey-Pokey.
You put your left leg in,
You keep your right leg out,
You bend yourself in half
And then you shake your butt around
You bow and scrape and kowtow and you kiss some Muslim ass,
That's how Obama gets down!
I don't know, I look at that picture and can't help thinking of something that sounds like the Hokey-Pokey.
You put your left leg in,
You keep your right leg out,
You bend yourself in half
And then you shake your butt around
You bow and scrape and kowtow and you kiss some Muslim ass,
That's how Obama gets down!
Ja, und me thinks that this might be along the lines of some appropriate muzik, too. Remember the dancing rats on Sesame Street? Perhaps Rahm could lead?
Midnight at the oasis
Send your camel to bed
Shadows paintin' our faces
Traces of romance in our heads
Heaven's holdin' a half-moon
Shinin' just for us
Let's slip off to a sand dune, real soon
And kick up a little dust
Come on, Cactus is our friend
He'll point out the way
Come on, till the evenin' ends
Till the evenin' ends
You don't have to answer
There's no need to speak
I'll be your belly dancer, prancer
And you can be my sheik
I know your Daddy's a sultan
A nomad known to all
With fifty girls to attend him, they all send him
Jump at his beck and call
But you won't need no harem, honey
When I'm by your side
And you won't need no camel, no no
When I take you for a ride
Come on, Cactus is our friend
He'll point out the way
Come on, till the evenin' ends
Till the evenin' ends
Midnight at the oasis
Send your camel to bed
Got shadows paintin' our faces
And traces of romance in our heads
Ahhhhh - the smoooooth moves of our glorius leader "O" - he makes the evil Bu$hitler look like the shoe dodging dog he is.
Breaking News from Pravda:
Comrade Muntadhar al-Zeidi imprsioned by capitalist oppressors sentence is reduced!!
Iraq's highest court of Bush puppets reduced the prison sentence Tuesday for the esteemed Iraqi journalist who hurled his shoes at former President George W. Bush (spit) from three years to one. The decision came as Barack Obama made his first official visit to Iraq as U.S.S.A. president. Just his ominous presence made our imperialist hearts soften, a spokesman said.
Just his omnious presence made our imperialist hearts soften, a spokesman said.
Has the Party introduced another Newspeak term without informing us? Is "omnious" a cross between ominous, omnibus, and omniscious? Can it be applied to everyone or does it exist exclusively to describe Obama?
UPDATE: Thoughtcriminal Gulag 4 Alfred has quickly airbrushed the new word, changing it to "ominous." Which I guess answers my question.
The three kulak women above sing in Russian but they are a Ukrainian band of kulaks called VIA-GRA. VIA is a Soviet-era official abbreviation for a "vocal-instrumental ensemble" (a correct term for what the confused Westerners would incorrectly call a rock band). And "gra" is a Ukrainian word for "play." And together they make a word that also sounds like a decadent pill that has the same effect on certain men as watching these three kulak women perform.
And by "certain men" we mean, of course, those amoral individuals of male gender who forget about their duty before the Motherland and neglect their obligations to struggle for the worldwide proletarian revolution. I trust this definition doesn't include anyone in our collective.
The international toiling masses reject this kind of music and corrupt unhygienic behavior that involves lying on the unswept floor while incorrectly stating in seductive voices that "diamonds are the girls' best friend." Everybody knows that the Party and the Politburo are the girls' best friend. Which means us, comrades.
We will teach them some balalaika music yet! Come and keep your comrade warm! That's an order!
Comrade 9, your suggestion of Judy Garland made me think of Roger Waters David Gilmour Nick Mason & Richard Wright - commonly known by the name of their good friend, Pink Floyd
Rex - The Dark Side of the Rainbow is a very disturbing video. I could almost hear the voice of the narrator: "You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the sign post up ahead, your next stop...
I don't know, I look at that picture and can't help thinking of something that sounds like the Hokey-Pokey.
You put your left leg in,
You keep your right leg out,
You bend yourself in half
And then you shake your butt around
You bow and scrape and kowtow and you kiss some Muslim ass,
That's how Obama gets down!
Ja, und me thinks that this might be along the lines of some appropriate muzik, too. Remember the dancing rats on Sesame Street? Perhaps Rahm could lead?
As Commissar of Pirouettes, I would be honored to lead. With some Tchaikovsky, of course.
Anything we missed? Suggest other tunes in the comments.
Doing the Barry Shuffle
When me and my friends go out on the town
We can't sit still and we can't sit down.
We don't like to fight and we don't like to scuffle,
But we dance all night doing the Barry shuffle.
Hey Bro, hey Bro (Hey Bro, hey Bro)!
Well, a-nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck (nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck)!
La da dee la da dee (la da dee la da dee)!
Woowoowoowoowoowoowoowoo (Woowoowoowoowoowoowoowoo)!
Well, we never miss a chance; we get up and dance and do the Barry shuffle!
Well, me and my friends love Barney and Al,
We love Barry's brother Ayers, and his fat clone Joe.
It's such a delight to boogie and hustle
Dancing all night doing the Barry shuffle.
Hey Bro, hey Bro (Hey Bro, hey Bro)!
Well, a-nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck (nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck)!
Wedeedeedeedeedeedee (Wedeedeedeedeedeedee)!
Oh, a wise guy (Oh, a wise guy)!
Well, we never miss a chance; we get up and dance and do the Barry shuffle!
Well, me and my friends; we all love to see
Comedy classics on late night TV
Those knuckleheads love to get in a scuffle
They push and they shove doing the Barry shuffle!
Hey Bro, hey Bro (Hey Bro, hey Bro)!
Well. a-nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck (nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck)!
Look at the grouse! Look at the grouse! (Look at the grouse! Look at the grouse!)
Arrrrrrruff! Ruff! (Arrrrrrruff! Ruff!)
Well. we never miss a chance; we get up and dance and do the Barry shuffle!
That's right.
We do the Barry shuffle! What'd you say?!?
We do the Barry shuffle! That's what I thought ya said!
We do the Barry shuffle! Nyahahahah!
We do the Barry shuffle! Soitenly!
We never miss a chance, we get up and dance and do the Barry shuffle!
I don't know, I look at that picture and can't help thinking of something that sounds like the Hokey-Pokey.
You put your left leg in,
You keep your right leg out,
You bend yourself in half
And then you shake your butt around
You bow and scrape and kowtow and you kiss some Muslim ass,
That's how Obama gets down!
Ja, und me thinks that this might be along the lines of some appropriate muzik, too. Remember the dancing rats on Sesame Street? Perhaps Rahm could lead?
As Commissar of Pirouettes, I would be honored to lead. With some Tchaikovsky, of course.
Ja, und forgive me, please, Vice Commissar, for not knowing nor mentioning you specifically. I am being new here to Red Square, one of the Beasts of England (not Ireland) who originally was doing the growing up in Gulag Minnesota. Ja. But now I live here 20 years in Brown Archipelago. Everything here is Brown. Lickspittle Brown. We share gloriously here.
Last week we hear Marine One helicopter fly over our house in dead of evening. We do not go out into garden to cheer or throw potatoes. Marine One bearing One Most High and J Crew Tall Woman to Embassy dacha, which is nearby. We not cheer helicopter because Muslim neighbours not like. Ja, but am now confused: Muslims they like now One Most High? Because He give bow? I do not bow to Muslims. Too many. Ja, I be bowing all day. Have shovelling to do.
Und ja, I vas reading back issues of Party Communications yesterday and discovered another Komrade whom I not hear of. Who is Many Titted Empress? I think I know, but I be afraid.
But with being new, I know not your rank, Vice Commissar, nor your propensity to burst into pirouettes. I am being sorry for this and ask your indulgence. Perhaps I send you a boiled herring to excuse my insolence?
Comrades, I heard on Fox News last night during the capitalist propaganda hour hosted by the stooge Bill O, that a White Caucasian House spokeman states DEAR LEADER was not bowing to the King of Saudi Arabia, DEAR LEADER was merely stooping over in his exhuberance to give a "two handed" hand-shake to the shorter man.
This has created troubling thoughts for this prole: does this mean that DEAR LEADER thinks himself less equal than the King of Saudi Arabia? Surely, if DEAR LEADER thought himself more equal than the Muslim, DEAR LEADER would have been content to give the King of Saudi Arabia only a "one handed" hand-shake.
I have to go now. I must hit myself in the head with my shovel and report for re-education.
Just his omnious presence made our imperialist hearts soften, a spokesman said.
Has the Party introduced another Newspeak term without informing us? Is "omnious" a cross between ominous, omnibus, and omniscious? Can it be applied to everyone or does it exist exclusively to describe Obama?
UPDATE: Thoughtcriminal Gulag 4 Alfred has quickly airbrushed the new word, changing it to "ominous." Which I guess answers my question.
Glorious Leader Red Square;
Yes, I quickly retracted my Obama Newspeak realizing I damn yankee spell checker had not submitted the proper paperwork - in triplicate of course. As was expected, your esteemed all seeing Redness caught me "Red Handed" and I, your humble dokhodiaga, await becoming part of flower bed out back retraining orders.
However, I did have a dream (potato vodka induced) that one elite member of the progressive arts had also noticed:
The "One" does inspire a new language all his own...
I was watching the anti-People's news on the Capitalist Propaganda Channel (otherwise known as Fox News) last night. Enemy-of-the-People Bill O'Reilly said that he had been advised by a spokesman from the White House People's Executive Mansion that DEAR LEADER had not been bowing to the unwashed Bedouin Exploiter of Mother Earth's Limited Resources. DEAR LEADER was merely stooping over in the exhuberance of giving a fellow Muslim Head-of-State a "two-handed" hand- shake. It is not DEAR LEADER'S fault that he has been gifted with an excess of tallness and that the Bedouin is height-challenged.
Unfortunately, this explaination by the People's Executive Mansion had created troubling thoughts in this ignorant prole's mind. DEAR LEADER surely could not be thinking he was less equal than the Bedouin Exploiter of Mother Earth's Limited Resources? If DEAR LEADER was more equal (as we all know he is) than this unwashed Bedouin, then why did DEAR LEADER not condescend to only give this Bedouin a "one-handed" hand shake?
I don't know, I look at that picture and can't help thinking of something that sounds like the Hokey-Pokey.
You put your left leg in,
You keep your right leg out,
You bend yourself in half
And then you shake your butt around
You bow and scrape and kowtow and you kiss some Muslim ass,
That's how Obama gets down!
Ja, und me thinks that this might be along the lines of some appropriate muzik, too. Remember the dancing rats on Sesame Street? Perhaps Rahm could lead?
As Commissar of Pirouettes, I would be honored to lead. With some Tchaikovsky, of course.
Ja, und forgive me, please, Vice Commissar, for not knowing nor mentioning you specifically. I am being new here to Red Square, one of the Beasts of England (not Ireland) who originally was doing the growing up in Gulag Minnesota. Ja. But now I live here 20 years in Brown Archipelago. Everything here is Brown. Lickspittle Brown. We share gloriously here.
Last week we hear Marine One helicopter fly over our house in dead of evening. We do not go out into garden to cheer or throw potatoes. Marine One bearing One Most High and J Crew Tall Woman to Embassy dacha, which is nearby. We not cheer helicopter because Muslim neighbours not like. Ja, but am now confused: Muslims they like now One Most High? Because He give bow? I do not bow to Muslims. Too many. Ja, I be bowing all day. Have shovelling to do.
Und ja, I vas reading back issues of Party Communications yesterday and discovered another Komrade whom I not hear of. Who is Many Titted Empress? I think I know, but I be afraid.
But with being new, I know not your rank, Vice Commissar, nor your propensity to burst into pirouettes. I am being sorry for this and ask your indulgence. Perhaps I send you a boiled herring to excuse my insolence?
You are forgiven Comrade LondonBear; you're obviously new to the cause. But to recap, before I joined this glorious movement, I did a stint as a male ballerina for the Bolshoi Ballet. so any pirouettes you see me doing is strictly on a hobby-type basis - nothing more. In lieu of a boile dherring, I will accept a sharpened shovel.
You are forgiven Comrade LondonBear; you're obviously new to the cause. But to recap, before I joined this glorious movement, I did a stint as a male ballerina for the Bolshoi Ballet. so any pirouettes you see me doing is strictly on a hobby-type basis - nothing more. In lieu of a boile dherring, I will accept a sharpened shovel.
Am most concerned about remaining Politically Correct on here because so new. Also because have imbibed much malt tonight from last year's harvest. Maybe only one thing about living in Green & Pleasant Land is better than living in Great Satan is beer is gut. Very gut. Please forgive. LondonBear needs to ponder Great Leader's talking Stink about America while he is here. Ach!
Dan Friedman emailed us a suggestion: "Ceci n'est pas une bow. The official White House photo and caption is 'Nobody move, I lost my contact.'" Which needed to be turned into a motivational picture that will now adorn, framed, the offices of the MSM executives, as well as computer desktops (as stretchable wallpaper) of progressive bloggers of the lower pay grades.
Dan Friedman emailed us a suggestion: "Ceci n'est pas une bow. The official White House photo and caption is 'Nobody move, I lost my contact.'" Which needed to be turned into a motivational picture that will now adorn, framed, the offices of the MSM executives, as well as computer desktops (as stretchable wallpaper) of progressive bloggers of the lower pay grades.
Non. C'EST un arc! Have a look at the Spanish version:
Glorious Leader does not need contact lenses. His stare is long und large.
If it would have been a contact lens, Old Woman in Pink would have helped to find.
All this energy calling me
Back from USSR - where it comes from
It's such a red attitude
It's back in the USA - where it belongs
All the little kids growing up on capitalism are goin;
America Sucks, America Sucks
Gene's jumpin on Gene's, moody Marx - Lenin's goin;
America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks
America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks
Mama knows but she don't care
Shes got her neo con worries too
Seven kids and many phony affairs
And the welfare checks overdue
All the lib chicks with the crimson lips go
America Sucks, America Sucks,
Shes livin in sin with safety pins
Shes goin;
America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks
America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks
I got some records from world war two
I play'em just like me grand dad do
He was a commie and I am too....
Oh America Sucks... Yeah America Sucks,
So find a place
Grab a space
And yell and scream to the government for more..............
America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks
America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks
America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks
America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks
America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks
America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks, America Sucks
Mother of Trotsky! Here I thought the photo at the top of the thread was a signing of something. It ain't. It's our new head of state showing his ass to the camera as he bows to a foreign potentate (Muslim King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia). The White House is denying any bow was involved but there sure seems to be a lot of shaking going on. The first thing I thought of when I saw the animated version above reminded me of a scene from "Wilde" or "Maurice". Hopefully that won't be the new foreign policy to garner diplomatic respect, but I wouldn't be surprised.
I'm not sure white guilt can ever be redeemed, but as for Distributor of Orgasms--oh yes! That is soo-oo very good! Put it in now! The whole thing, just slide it in! Oh yes, it's obviously going to be a very tight fit, but that's how you like it, don't you? Just . . . get it . . . in there . . . somehow . . . pound it . . . HARDER, dammit! Oh yes, right there! Ohh, yeah, this is almost better than--oh yeah--throwing shoes at my Bush effigy! Ohhh . . . ohh . . . OWW! What's that under my--? OH!
That thing has sharp corners!
I'm not sure white guilt can ever be redeemed, but as for Distributor of Orgasms--oh yes! That is soo-oo very good! Put it in now! The whole thing, just slide it in! Oh yes, it's obviously going to be a very tight fit, but that's how you like it, don't you? Just . . . get it . . . in there . . . somehow . . . pound it . . . HARDER, dammit! Oh yes, right there! Ohh, yeah, this is almost better than--oh yeah--throwing shoes at my Bush effigy! Ohhh . . . ohh . . . OWW! What's that under my--? OH!
i shovel 4 U request increase in quota on model #OGod4A10Inserter deluxe shovel.
demand has increased substantially today for some reason.
That is soo-oo very good! Put it in now! The whole thing, just slide it in! Oh yes, it's obviously going to be a very tight fit, but that's how you like it, don't you? Just . . . get it . . . in there . . . somehow . . . pound it . . . HARDER, dammit! Oh yes, right there! Ohh, yeah, this is almost better than--oh yeah--throwing shoes at my Bush effigy! Ohhh . . . ohh . . . OWW! What's that under my--? OH!
Comrades! This confirms my long-held suspicion that Pinkie's true identity is none other than Anderson Cooper's mom Gloria Vanderbilt, author of a steamy bodice-ripper-shovel-dipper novel "Bull Session: When Antibiotics Fail," which comes out in June.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Deniers drop tons of foot powder on Washington to emulate snow blizzard during hottest Global Warming winter on recordRadical anti- American leader blames US for Global Warming
O's first year in office: 2 million jobs saved, 76 major natural disasters prevented
O's SOTU changes meaning of "cultivate" to "cultiveight": build up a perception that the current woes are the result of the previous eight years
Dead-Americans claim voter fraud in Massachusetts: cemeteries denied access to polling places, Senator Kennedy demands recount
Defeated in Mass elections, Obama warns against getting a ride from anyone in Kennedy's seat
Mayor Nagin sends 200 school buses to Haiti; Gov. Blanco appointed to oversee construction of Superdome
Closer inspection of Kennedy Seat revealed it's an old car seat with water damage
Unusually cold winter causes liberals to keep hands in OWN pockets
Obama's DHS: Detroit attack 'wardrobe malfunction'
Air Force deploys eavesdropping spy plane codenamed 'Jewish mother'
Seven more women claim to have had lip exchanges with St. Nick underneath mistletoe
Mrs. Claus found standing over bleeding hubby next to wrecked sleigh,
holding nutcracker
North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment
Time editors still undecided who to select as 'Barack of the Year' in 2009
Obama revolutionizes war: 'leaving' is the new 'victory'
ACORN to change name to CHESTNUT; meaning of new acronym still being debated
Obama's new autobiography tentatively titled Going Rouge
Antartica's Ross Island Detainment Center (RID-C) receives first batch of climate-change skeptics
Obama saves big on high cost of turkey for the troops by delaying Afghan surge until after Thanksgiving
Retailers begin annual cash- in on Christian holiday they refuse to mention by name
Christmas & Healthcare Reform season classic: It's a Wonderful Death!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History