Air Force One Attacks Wall Street, Takes Hostages

For too long have Americans scorned and disparaged the government - and now it's the government's time to fight back.

Belittled by America's arrogant self-reliance, individualism, and competitiveness, the government has finally organized and launched a fierce counterattack against American citizens by increasing their taxes, destroying their wealth, restricting their economic freedoms, controlling their guns, indoctrinating their children, and limiting their free speech.

Pockets of resistance on Wall Street surrender to Air Force One Rahm Emanuel: "Our allies on Wall Street must do more than just express sympathy. Surrender your stock or inform on your competitors. Everyone will be held accountable. You're either with us or against us in the fight against private industries." Nancy Pelosi: "Let every American business know, whether it contributed to our campaign fund or not, that we shall pay any price, pass any budget, meet any quotas, support any Democrat, oppose any Republican to assure the expansion of government powers." Little Eichmanns evacuated from office buildings in Battery Park.

At a press briefing today, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs explained the move as part of this Administration's unwavering effort to put the fear of government into Wall Street bankers. "We acted on solid intelligence about pockets of resistance in the Financial District that are threatening our efforts to pacify the banking industry by nationalizing its assets," Gibbs said.

"Just as China occasionally conducts military maneuvers near Taiwan to remind the tiny island of its flimsy renegade status," added Gibbs, "the White House was also forced to flex its presidential muscle and send a low-flying Air Force One plane into the renegade southern tip of the island of Manhattan, tracing the path of the 9/11 hijackers. It worked in 2001, and I don't see why we should abandon successful strategies only because they originated in a formerly unfriendly culture - that would be xenophobic. This administration is willing to learn from the international community, which can offer many spectacular success stories of government suppression of economic and individual freedoms."

The effectiveness of such strategy was evident in many eyewitness testimonies collected by members of the media in the streets of New York and New Jersey.

Gerry Karpinsky, a broker at Goldman Sachs, says he was terrified. "We all ran to the window, and I thought, that's it, American chickens are coming home to roost again. Our company has wronged the government badly - by not handling subprime loans in the past, and also rejecting the bailout money today. So I was pretty sure we would all die. It seemed especially tragic since many of us voted for Barack Obama and, on a personal level, we fully supported his efforts to redress his personal grievances as a representative of various minorities whom Goldman Sachs has victimized by resisting the government's control and expansion."

"Unfortunately, many Americans would find Obama's actions disturbing," says Melanie Brown, who works on Wall Street. "But I know that we deserved it because the moment the plane approached and everyone panicked, I was finishing reading Open Veins of Latin America: Five Centuries of the Pillage of a Continent by Eduardo Galeano - I had bought it on Amazon when CNN declared it the #2 bestseller soon after Hugo Chavez gave a copy to Barack Obama. This book literally blew my mind. So if I were President Obama, I'd not just scare Wall Street and nationalize the economy, I'd do everything in my power to bring this country to complete destruction - which is what I think Obama is doing now and I don't blame him."

"Why do they hate us?" was the question many Americans asked as they scurried away in terror from the approaching Presidential airplane.

To answer this question we contacted Professor Ward Churchill, a renowned expert in the field of American Imperial Arrogance and Criminality, who has famously addressed a similar inquiry in a book titled On the Justice of Roosting Chickens.

"Let's get a grip here, shall we?" Professor Churchill told us over the phone in a tough, manly voice, which might as well belong to a valiant Cherokee warrior. "True enough, they were civilians of a sort. But innocent? Gimme a break. They formed a technocratic corps at the very heart of America's global financial empire - and they did so both willingly and knowingly. They were completely oblivious to the pain that we, the progressive academic community, suffered because of America's economic success in the face of failing socialist regimes. Instead of wallowing in ideological misery, they were too busy braying incessantly and self-importantly into their cell phones, arranging power lunches and stock transactions, each of which, translated, conveniently out of sight, mind and smelling distance, into the desperation of a radical college professor who repeatedly fails to substantiate his socialist theories with real-life examples and must time and again pull them out of his own ass. If there was any other way of punishing the little Eichmanns inhabiting the sterile sanctum of Wall Street, I'd really be interested in hearing about it. Please send your suggestions at wardspeaks@gmail.com or post them directly on the People's Cube which I read almost daily for inspiration."