From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda Headquarters

Dear Sir:

In your videotaped statement broadcast by al-Jazeera, Mr. Ayman al-Zawahiri looks like a respectable statesman who appreciates reasonable dialogue. As such, we hope you will address our grievances for the sake of our common goal, which we know you still believe in.

Specifically, we noticed that some racial minorities and other People of Diversity were harmed (and even killed!) in your recent expression of resistance in London, Iraq, Bangladesh, and Indonesia (Bali). We know that you share our concern about these people, and are hoping that you can take some affirmative measures to ensure that only white males are killed next time. Such a strategy will have the people of the Earth joining hands in celebration of your ideals. We're trying hard on our end to help you, so please...let's work together!

Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of Directors

What's a life of an infidel dog? We don't even value the lives of our martyrs whom we strap with explosives and send to die! Do you really expect us to set up an affirmative action selection process? Do not make a mockery of sacred jihad, infidels!

And you better explain why the Patriot Act is still in place when you had bragged about abolishing it months ago. And where is the troop withdrawal from the lands of Islam that your stooges on Capitol Hill were supposed to take care of?

And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda Headquarters

Dear Sir:

We are worried about the Patriot Act just as much as you -- but we have a very full plate of items on our agenda. Our dedicated staff must allocate their time among other issues as well. For instance, you can surely appreciate our drive to purge every trace of the Ten Commandments from the United States. And you wouldn't believe how much time we spent last year just on gay-marriage issues! But it's exactly those kinds of commitments that take resources away from Patriot Act "resistance."

Please understand that we share your contempt for America and all it stands for. But we can't win this battle alone; we must coordinate our actions more thoroughly. Help us help you!

We have done a lot to redefine your killings as the struggle of oppressed minorities in Third World countries against white imperialists, reactionary Christians, and Zionist colonialists. You see, we think alike: Your professed disdain for the Western lifestyle, and your intolerance towards the bourgeois morals are of vital importance for the international class struggle and have our full-hearted support and cooperation. So, can we agree that we'll be able to sort our philosophical differences (and in truth, do we really have any?) after Western civilization collapses?

With all due respect, we think that a well-focused image makeover can help you realize your potential quite effectively. Of course, we can refer you to our own marketing and public-relations people -- but for starters, can you occasionally spice your rhetoric with terms and ideas of class struggle? You can find useful tips and references in The New York Times - or you can go directly to the source and read up on the works of Karl Marx and Antonio Gramsci, or at least Noam Chomsky.

Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

P.S. Have you considered donating to the ACLU? A mere $50 donation will get you a really handsome coffee mug!

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of Directors

Infidel dogs! The authors you speak of and the publishers of the New York Times are all Jews and homosexuals! We shall not touch those papers even with the hand with which we wipe our bottoms in accordance with the time-honored tradition set by Prophet Mohammed himself (peace be upon him)!

Allah willing you will all die a horrible death as all today's Christian countries will end up under Islam. Convert now or die! Jews need not convert, as Allah has predetermined that the Jewish problem will be solved with the extermination of the Jews. The Zionist Entity has no right to exist and shall be destroyed.

And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda Headquarters

Dear Sir:

We have positioned Islam as the most forward-looking and politically correct religion of choice; its popularity with the Western cultural elites is causing them to convert from Buddhism, Daoism, Paganism, and many other honest belief-systems. And our progressive organizations have been displaying a fervent support for the Palestinian struggle, its goals, and methods -- while denouncing Zionism as the greatest evil, likening the Jews to the Nazis.

We're winning this war. Just recently we have successfully sued the US Government, forcing them to release more pictures of Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse. That will surely boost your recruitment efforts. We have press conferences, publicity agents, marketing experts, and of course, a crack legal team to persuade everyone (and especially the major media outlets) that we are the ultimate arbiters of ethical questions. We need each other, Ayman!

Of course, your support and understanding of our goals and methods has generally been exemplary. And we're exceptionally pleased to see that you've been borrowing from Michael Moore's documentaries; e.g., Bush lied, Halliburton, genocide, and Vietnam, etc.

However, we do have a small concern about some of your emphasis. Of course, this is between friends, so please consider it constructive criticism.

Here's the problem: We might lose some support among gay and feminist communities if you continue to stone, hang, and mutilate gays and People of Alternative Genders. We have managed to keep your killing of Jews under wraps, but this gay stoning business is getting out of hand. The same goes for adulterers. You are scaring away our base!

Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of Directors

Mohammed (peace be upon him) said, "When a man mounts another man, the throne of Allah shakes... Kill the one that is doing it and also kill the one that it is being done to." The same goes for adulterers.

And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda Headquarters

Dear Sir:

We appreciate the artful prose of the Q'uran, and would never intend to disrespect it. But let's remember that homosexuals can express their feelings for each other in a myriad of ways other than "mounting"! Surely, then, can we agree to a compromise where there would be no punishment in the absence of such "mounting"? Are you familiar with "Don't ask, don't tell"? Let's work together on this!

Also, our artistic community has been typically silent about your mistreatment of local artists and the ban on all music. We don't know how much longer we will be able to control this situation, though. In fact, we have found music a useful medium of subversion! It also has outstanding fundraising potential. Think of the millions of dollars John Kerry's election campaign received from rock concerts alone! Musicians are generally gullible and so easy to manipulate, it's ridiculous.

You too can capitalize on music. We're sure that a benefit concert for our common causes would be tremendously successful. Granted, big-money draws like Springsteen might not be available for a gig in Pakistan, but there are many veteran artists who would be more than happy to go. May we suggest Linda Ronstadt? We think you'll like her philosophy a lot!

Really, don't you ever whistle while cleaning your Kalashnikov rifle or something?

Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of Directors

Mohammed (peace be upon him) killed artists, and so do we. See, for example, Ibn Ishaq, pp. 675-676, where Asma is murdered in her house for writing a poem against Muhammad. In Ibid., pp. 364-368, Ka'b is murdered for writing poems against Islam. Ibid., pp. 550-551, states that Muhammad gave orders to kill (1) al-Hawayrith for insulting him, (2) a woman named Sara who had once insulted him, and (3) Abdullah's two singing girls for singing songs about Mohammed. You better tell your musicians to shut up or they will follow those singing girls. But that shouldn't shock you because we know from our cousin in Brooklyn that George Bush personally killed the three Jew Dixie Chicks for insulting him. So what are you whining about?

And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda Headquarters

Dear Sir:

Does this mean that you would not sponsor a Michael Jackson concert? He's not gay, you know, but he used to be black. Would that matter to you?

Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of Directors

Mohammed (pbuh) referred to black people as "raisin heads" and so do we. The Prophet (pbuh) also felt that dreaming of a black woman meant an evil omen of a coming epidemic of disease.

And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda Headquarters

Dear Sir:

Fair enough, and we understand that we can't completely curb your cravings to kill, rape, and enslave black Africans of Sudan...but do you really need to do it with such a fanfare? We understand that it's perfectly acceptable for People of Diversity to be murdered as long as the murderers are also People of Diversity, but can you kindly kill and rape quietly? Your debauchery in Darfur gives a good deal of ammunition to Bush and his despicable acolytes.

Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of Directors

Throughout the Hadith, black people are referred to as slaves. Who are you, infidels, to pass judgment on our glorious time-honored cultural traditions?

And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda Headquarters

Dear Sir:

Let's cut to the chase.

We spend a lot of time mulling over the heroic Middle Ages and rightfully see you as the ultimate Medievalists. Your feudalistic ideals and our utopian socialism are close cousins; and that makes us natural allies.

Unlike you, however, we operate on the premises of post-modernism, a philosophy that states that wishing it so makes it so. In other words, reality is what we tell people it is. Thus, we are able to convince most people, conservatives among them, of the evil nature of capitalism and the moral superiority of both feudalism and socialism. But there remains one major obstacle.

Despite our efforts many Americans still believe that capitalism ensures individual liberties - as opposed to socialism that sacrifices individuals to the common good. That belief in liberties is what we at ACLU are trying to destroy through slander, chicanery, frivolous lawsuits, and general mockery of American legal system.

We ignore the citizens' so-called liberties (freedom of association, freedom from violence, etc.) and try to impose our vision of liberties: The right to depraved behavior (by the correct people), regardless of who is affected. And we insist, through the courts, that any diminution to our right of criminal behavior is tantamount to the destruction of all human rights. In the end, we hope to remove all restrictions on the use of force by our side.

The main goal of our organization is to convince Americans that their freedoms are fictional, indefinable, and not worth fighting for. Our present tactic is to remove their ability to fight (for those people who foolishly think that there's anything worth defending). If freedoms are fiction anyway, why not trade capitalism for socialism and live off the government? A shining example of our success is Cindy "This country is not worth dying for" Sheehan and her followers.

Therefore, when we engage in one of our campaigns, like suing the city of New York for subway bag searches, it would be good teamwork on your part if you refrain from freedom-fighting activities at least in New York subway. If you must, use other cities, preferably in "red states." That will make it easier for us to tie attacks on America with the election of George Bush. You have to agree with Michael Moore that it was stupid to destroy skyscrapers in the heart of our Bush-hating city!

Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of Directors

All deals are off! Die, infidel dogs! We don't understand what you are talking about, and we don't care to understand. You are the enemy, and you will pay with your blood and the blood of your children.

And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda Headquarters

Dear Sir:

What happened? And why this rudeness? We thought it was all about the destruction of America!

Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of Directors

We called our cousin in Brooklyn and he has it on good authority that all lawyers in New York are Jews including those in the ACLU, may Allah's Curses Be Upon You. We shall not continue this useless debate. Allah willing we will meet in New York and I will personally ensure that the streets run with your blood.

And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda Headquarters

Ayman:

Thank you so much for your understanding; we feel that we're making some meaningful progress in our relationship. We understand why you are angry. We are guilty for existing; please tell us how to proceed.

Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

P.S. Are you sure you don't want that coffee mug?