Since the best minds of the country have concluded that health care is a basic human right, it must also be presumed that this right automatically includes the most fundamental component of all human health - food. Leading nation's scientists have long been warning us that denying a person the nutrition from food impairs health in the most direct and injurious manner. Today the debate is over: the right to health and the right to food are pretty much one and the same - the inalienable human right to have your bodily functions regulated by the government for your own good.
~
It is obvious then that we must put an end to the unconscionable profits made off the hunger and stomach cramps of others by the well-connected and powerful agricultural-industrial conglomerate of selfish farmers, predatory food packers, heartless grocers, and mercenary restaurateurs.
That anyone is allowed to make billions of dollars by providing Americans with their basic health-giving nutritional needs is the shame of the nation and the cruel result of underregulated markets gone wild.
As eating is preventive health care at its most basic level, no health care reform would be complete without establishing a single-payer system of nutrition delivery called Foodicare, overseen by a super-czar level position of the Foodmaster General. An all-inclusive 2,500 page plan of this essential program is already available for immediate passage. No reading required; it is already self-evident that such an arrangement is even better than a similar plan most successfully enjoyed by North Koreans today.
The Foodicare program will cater to every American's health-through-nutrition needs in a fair and equal manner. A national menu of approved healthy foods at legal prices will be established and enforced for the public's own good. To guarantee food quality and equality, home kitchens will be disallowed and replaced with government-mandated nutrition care cafeterias, staffed with licensed and regulated health-through-nutrition care providers.
To ensure a steady stream of health-generating foodstuffs, and to safeguard against the vagaries of weather affecting harvests, it will be the US government's responsibility to control the climate well beyond the meager provisions of Waxman-Markey. While CO2 regulations may be a good start, we will soon be in an urgent need of a legislation allowing us to cap and trade rain and sunshine. In addition to having the maximum sustainable effect on the health of the planet and its citizens, it will also create thousands of jobs you never even dreamed existed.
The next logical step the government is expected to take is to properly identify and manage other important ingredients of the right to health care: housing care, clothing care, leisure care, and care for the citizens' romantic relationships - since denying a person good quality shelter, apparel, exercise, and recreational sex also impairs health in the most direct and injurious manner.
Indeed, I always had a feeling that the small intestine was underrepresented and disenfranchised by the large intestine. We must take stuff away from the large intestine that already is large enough, and give more to the poor small intestine so that it can grow more.
Equal sizes, rights and responsibilities to all organs! NOW!
I think having a brand new car is a basic human right. After all, how am I going to go down and pick up my food entitlement from the distribution center without transportation? I can't take the bus... it would be demeaning to me to be seen in public carrying boxes of free food. Besides, it would be too hard to carry by myself since the bus stop is a couple of blocks from the distribution center. Yes, it is obvious that the government should provide a free car to all free food recipients. And gas! Not gas from eating all the food but free gas to power my free car. And free government oil changes! What about a free extended warranty on my free car that I need to pick up my free food? How the hell do they expect me to keep driving my free car down to the distribution center to pick up my free food if they don't give me free maintenance? All of these things are basic human rights!
And how about a free place to live? Where am I supposed to eat my free food, in my free car? That is demeaning! I need a free table and chairs to put in my free house, too! I can't eat my free food while sitting on the floor, can I? That's humiliating and de-personalizing! And hey, how about a free TV to watch while I eat my free food in my free house while sitting at my free table and chairs? These are all basic human rights! And I need CABLE with my free TV! They don't expect me to watch over-the-air TV, do they? That's demeaning!
Finally!!! Apple Pie will be made ILLEGAL!!!! There is nothing that is more bourgeois and warmongering than Apple Pie. All Hail, His Most Serene Compassionateness, Obama!
At long last, the burden of household cooking will be lifted from our shoulders. No longer shall we toil over hot barbecues, get burned by splashing bacon grease or get our clothes ruined by the stench of grilled cheese! With this unnecessary burden lifted, we will have more time to devote to reading Alinsky, Marx and Obama. I never had the Audacity to Hope that this Change would be made a reality!
Thank you, Liberal America for taking more responsibility off my shoulders!
Indeed, I always had a feeling that the small intestine was underrepresented and disenfranchised by the large intestine. We must take stuff away from the large intestine that already is large enough, and give more to the poor small intestine so that it can grow more.
Equal sizes, rights and responsibilities to all organs! NOW!
Free the small intestine!
Liberate the duodenum!
Equal rights for the Sigmoid flexure!
(man this could generate a whole line of activewear)
And gas! Not gas from eating all the food but free gas to power my free car.
Now there's an idea - change your farts into fuel. Why, one could go across all of the Kentucky Fried South without having to make one stop. If only Government Motors would get to work creating the flatulence collecting and evacuation tube converter system we could really see some serious improvement in fuel efficient cars. No more government waste. No more toxic emissions. Just good, clean, flatugas.
I think having a brand new car is a basic human right. After all, how am I going to go down and pick up my food entitlement from the distribution center without transportation? I can't take the bus... it would be demeaning to me to be seen in public carrying boxes of free food. Besides, it would be too hard to carry by myself since the bus stop is a couple of blocks from the distribution center. Yes, it is obvious that the government should provide a free car to all free food recipients. And gas! Not gas from eating all the food but free gas to power my free car. And free government oil changes! What about a free extended warranty on my free car that I need to pick up my free food? How the hell do they expect me to keep driving my free car down to the distribution center to pick up my free food if they don't give me free maintenance? All of these things are basic human rights!
And how about a free place to live? Where am I supposed to eat my free food, in my free car? That is demeaning! I need a free table and chairs to put in my free house, too! I can't eat my free food while sitting on the floor, can I? That's humiliating and de-personalizing! And hey, how about a free TV to watch while I eat my free food in my free house while sitting at my free table and chairs? These are all basic human rights! And I need CABLE with my free TV! They don't expect me to watch over-the-air TV, do they? That's demeaning!
Now your talking!
Let's just get it over with and demand our rights to General Welfare as called out in the constitution!!!!
Nothing would stop the Usurper in Chief faster than willing throngs of socialists banging on his door at 0300 for a cup of sugar.
Comrades, the American people are overreacting to what they perceive as excesses of government power and intrusion into their "personal" lives (as if there really was such a thing!). We must get the word out that Dear Leader and our Benevolent Government only want to control, for the good of the PeopleTM, two primary issues:
Whether you live or die
How much money you'll be allowed to make and keep
Everything else is left in the hands of the newly empowered and liberated PeopleTM. We should be thankful that Dear Leader does all the heavy lifting for us.
hai, i would like to be honored with that distinction if it should be willing.
at the risk of being self serving and possibly bring shame on my family,
i would like to share qualifications.
in nihon, all rice fields were controlled by feudal lords.
farmers were not allowed to take any of the rice they grew.
farmers turn in 100% of rice and wait to be alloted a share to be given back.
i can control peoples alloted share to provide constant weight among citizens,
i will call this program "greater good sustenance rationing for equality of weight and health benefit™"
average weight of people will be determined by budget commitee instead of doctor.
accompanied by standard 'voluntary' mandated work schedule, this will
keep citizens in best 'health' for the greater good.
as you know, i have been successful with program as most nihonjin are of acceptable
trim stature and have longest life span in world, making plenty of years
to serve party.
workers will greatfully live in stick houses on mudfield provided by most beneficial
government agency. not only will houses be economically missing air conditioning, but will also be environmentally friendly, being made out of sticks, hay and found objects.
once citizens partake of rationed food program and 'voluntary' work schedule, you will see pounds start to fall off citizens or they die, providing relief to healthcare system.
any selfish overeaters using government system to steal extra shares of rice or using capitalist ideals to buy/trade shares of rice or 'just plain lazy fatties' will face sharp end of katana.
hai, sumimasen, gomen nasai, i have spoke to much in my favor.
the shame i feel is heavy.
please bring wakizashi, i must commit seppuku.
It can all be summed up that health care begins with the community. Food, housing, work, all of the things that we need for health care are all functions of the community so what we need to do for good sustainable health care is to reform society and take bold forward action to build scientifically planned and ordered communities.
Brilliant! There's no end to the legislation we can draw up to 'guarantee' this crap, er fairness.
However, I think someone missed an absolute right. Air. That's right comrades.
This morning my senses were assaulted by the vile odor of some fat capitalist's flatulence. There should be a law protecting the quality of air. This ties into your food program very nicely.
Brilliant! There's no end to the legislation we can draw up to 'guarantee' this crap, er fairness.
However, I think someone missed an absolute right. Air. That's right comrades.
This morning my senses were assaulted by the vile odor of some fat capitalist's flatulence. There should be a law protecting the quality of air. This ties into your food program very nicely.
Someone ought to cap that flatulence and use it to run more automobiles.
Indeed, I always had a feeling that the small intestine was underrepresented and disenfranchised by the large intestine. We must take stuff away from the large intestine that already is large enough, and give more to the poor small intestine so that it can grow more.
Equal sizes, rights and responsibilities to all organs! NOW!
Yes, Comrade Guardian. And since this is an internal struggle of organs, it can also be called "organic" (as well as the final product of this struggle).
And the purges! We must not forget the purges!
As a general advice, comrades, we must never abandon struggle of all forms and shapes against all other forms and shapes.
And rightly so, Comrade Rex. A red tetrahedron is a heretical simplification of the red cube and therefore a blasphemy and a cynical challenge to everything we hold dear!
And the circle of comrades denounces you, Red Rooster! They'll get to you once they finish a little internal Party discussion about what's best for the people, the children, and the state.
Emperor K, that fat cat deserves a katana for his gluttony. Konichiwa!
I humbly nominate myself as Czar of SushiCare. After all, it closely fits my seafood inspection crime ring civic service. My posse helpful staff of seafood inspection specialists has already begun shaking down soliciting restaurants for cash and sushi free samples.
Comrades, we must avoid geometric denunciations. We are a complex collective, but most members are rather simple in their cognitive capacity. Once this specious discrimination begins, where will it end? As the irrational rooster lashes out at more obscure shapes, denouncing rhomboids and trapezoids, all hell will break loose. And don't even mention the Pentagon to me...
I speak as one only concerned for The ChildrenTM, The KittensTM, and The Common GoodTM...
And the circle of comrades denounces you, Red Rooster! They'll get to you once they finish a little internal Party discussion about what's best for the people, the children, and the state.
Not again! It seems I'm always getting in trouble with The Party™...
hai, i have to agree. we must denounce the circle. it lends itself to represent the two dimensional thinking of capitalist. as we know, capitalist can only think in terms of profit/loses, rationing/prices, supply/demand, etc. these are usually represented by 2D line graphs or pie charts.
we, as progressive peoples, must adopt an object that can represent the full human experience and expand into the third dimension of feelings. thus i propose the Sphere™. no one is further away from the universal center than anyone else, engulfed together in the incomprehensible struggles of the world, with solutions determined by feelings, ...we will be truely equal.
(visual agitation diagram)
hai, this is how it should be, circular, circling in on itself, feel the energy, it's round.
domoarigatougozaimasu,
emperor kakubakuhatsu
ps - redsquaresan, no offense to the "cube" intended.
I denounce Comrade Emperor for thoughtcrimes against the Cube. The best minds of the progressive movement have already concluded that The Cube is the most perfect shape and reflects progressiveness in every single square of its glorious red body.
The scientific consensus has already been achieved. The debate is over. Time to save the world from non-cubes and non-squares!
Since this is your first offense, Emperor Kakubakuhatsu, the Party shall be merciful and sentence you to only five hours of mandatory self-criticism with a shovel in front of the Party headquarters.
For your further indoctrination, you have to accept the square truth and repeat it five times a day while facing the Lenin Mausoleum: "I am but a mere red square on the surface of the glorious Red Cube, equal and completely interchangeable with all other squares, and will be happy to be moved wherever the Party chooses to move me, equally content to be amidst any of the identical square comrades."
I denounce John Mackey, co-founder and CEO of the mercenary grocery store, Whole Foods. It's no coincidence, comrades, that Mackey rhymes with "lackey", because this running dog fat-cat is clearly the leader of a corporatist fifth column intent on exploiting progressives by purveying hip, new age products that we all love and need for self-affirmation.
Earlier this month, Mackey the Lackey wrote an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal decrying Obamacare and Foodicare. He even had the audacity to quote that imperialist pig, Maggie Thatcher, architect of the Falkland land grab.
The Thatcher quote reads: "The problem with socialism is that eventually you run out
of other people's money."
Typical myopic right-wing rhetoric! We can always print more money. Duh!
Regarding Mackey the Lackey's transgressions, I think former Whole Foods customer, Emily Goulding, said it best: "It's hypocritical and disingenuous and really cheapens the brand."
*I hope it cheapens the brand 'cause that shit's expensive*
The boycott is on, comrades! Every progressive worth his/her organic tofu must join the protest.
Dear Leader Red Square wrote; "The best minds of the progressive movement have already concluded that The Cube is the most perfect shape and reflects progressiveness in every single square of its glorious red body."
It's all about the love Brothers and Sisters. All about the love.
The boycott is on, comrades! Every progressive worth his/her organic tofu must join the protest
I'm all for it! Of course this Mackey article is a multi-millionaire who will scarcely feel a thing financially, and to be sure, if sales drop off significantly Whole Foods will be forced to lay off bag-boys, cashiers and other assorted proles, but that is simply the cost of a proper hissy fit. Well worth it in my opinion.
hai, i have to agree. we must denounce the circle. it lends itself to represent the two dimensional thinking of capitalist. as we know, capitalist can only think in terms of profit/loses, rationing/prices, supply/demand, etc. these are usually represented by 2D line graphs or pie charts.
we, as progressive peoples, must adopt an object that can represent the full human experience and expand into the third dimension of feelings. thus i propose the Sphere™. no one is further away from the universal center than anyone else, engulfed together in the incomprehensible struggles of the world, with solutions determined by feelings, ...we will be truely equal.
Emperor, I believe this is the flag you were thinking of:
Indeed, though, the cube is the finest form of geometric elegance signifying the freedom and openness of life available to all comrades.
I denounce John Mackey, co-founder and CEO of the mercenary grocery store, Whole Foods.
Earlier this month, Mackey the Lackey wrote an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal decrying Obamacare and Foodicare. He even had the audacity to quote that imperialist pig, Maggie Thatcher, architect of the Falkland land grab.
My wonderful liberal brother commenting on this said (after years of patronizing Whole Foods stores and proclaiming them the best thing since the garden of borscht) that Mackey was just another greedy capitalist who was more interested in his own profits than in supporting real change in the system.
Yep.
Funny that. What's really funny is that Mackey saw a niche within the moronic leftwing granola chewers and gave them as much granola (and other exotic waterfowl) as they wished - making tons of money while doing it. More power to him.
I denounce Comrade Emperor for thoughtcrimes against the Cube. The best minds of the progressive movement have already concluded that The Cube is the most perfect shape and reflects progressiveness in every single square of its glorious red body.
Since this is your first offense, Emperor Kakubakuhatsu, the Party shall be merciful and sentence you to only five hours of mandatory self-criticism with a shovel in front of the Party headquarters.
For your further indoctrination, you have to accept the square truth and repeat it five times a day while facing the Lenin Mausoleum: "I am but a mere red square on the surface of the glorious Red Cube, equal and completely interchangeable with all other squares, and will be happy to be moved wherever the Party chooses to move me, equally content to be amidst any of the identical square comrades."
shuukuhaku,
hai, redsquaresan, my history betrays me. gomennasai. gomennasai.
i apologize for my hatsuomakuru, roughly translating as - sudden abandonment of humble attitude and assuming antangonistic attitude. i am partys™ shoushoku. please accept my death as purge of guilt.
hai, my thoughts related back to the golden years of nihon, where red spheres abounded. your image, abecedariusrexsan, of the noble flag of the rising sun brings back many memories. i am fond of the sphere, something i will cut from my being with very sharp blade. note photo of my birthday.
redsquaresan, in years past being a self isolated country, i am not too familiar with the policies of leninsan and i greatly apologize for my ignorance and egotism. i do now realize that the cube will stand stable when placed on a surface as a sphere could wander, possibly to the right even.
with this disgrace i feel great guilt and shame, please bring wakizashi, i must commit seppuku.
shousei,
emperor kakubakuhatsu
ps- before i commit harakiri, ... what is shovel?
can it be used for highest act of party™ loyality ...disembowelment?
Emperor - is seppuku some medieval variety of loyal self-criticism?
As for the shovel, it is indeed being used for a variety of highest acts of Party™ loyalty. Just ask Commissarka Pinkie. She'll disembowel you alright as soon as she removes the picture of Brad Pitt from her shovel's business end. I hear stomach juices are bad for paper, at least the kind used in Vanity Fair magazine from which she cuts out her imaginary husbands.
What about backyard vegetable gardens? They must be collectivized!
I proclaim myself Czarina of confiscating all back yard gardens for the collective.
I hope you realize Leninka, your tongue may be in your cheek, but your satire is a bullseye:
"To establish the Food Safety Administration within the Department of Health and Human Services to protect the public health by preventing food-borne illness, ensuring the safety of food, improving research on contaminants leading to food-borne illness, and improving security of food from intentional contamination, and for other purposes."
Legislation to outlaw gardens or to outlaw the sale of home grown garden produce via HR-875.
The idea is: The Feds are protecting us from ourselves by turning over the growing of produce to licensed trained professionals who know how to dump cow poop on plants and not make consumers sick.
Emperor - is seppuku some medieval variety of loyal self-criticism?
As for the shovel, it is indeed being used for a variety of highest acts of Party™ loyalty. Just ask Commissarka Pinkie. She'll disembowel you alright as soon as she removes the picture of Brad Pitt from her shovel's business end. I hear stomach juices are bad for paper, at least the kind used in Vanity Fair magazine from which she cuts out her imaginary husbands.
konnichiwa, redsquaresan, ogenkidesuka
hai, seppuku is highest noble act of loyal self-critism as it is the most honored japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment. as johnbrauesan says in his article "the fine art of seppuku", there are many reasons to commit this grand act.
Quote
junshi (following ones lord in death, although was strictly discouraged by the bafuku and daimyo, as it used up too many perfectly good retainers), funshi (to express one’s indignation at a situation), kanshi (as an admonishment or rebuke to one’s lord for his behavior), to atone for dishonorable actions of one’s own, and to avoid capture and disgrace (and probable torture and execution) in battle. In such circumstances, of course, there usually wasn’t time for the whole ritual, so expedients as cutting one’s own throat, throwing oneself from a running horse with a sword in one’s mouth, or flinging oneself off high walls, towers, or cliffs were winked at. In 1516, Muira Yoshimoto committed suicide by cutting off his own head, something that got him a gazillion style points (he was still dead, however).
(in america, sacred ritual is known as harakiri, though brauesan misspells this honorable act in his article thus leading to position to consider seppuku himself)
when a noble cause™ has failed, seppuku is the last opportunity to restore honor and dignity to yourself and the cause™. for example, billyayerssan is of low character and a weak person. although his policies and actions are unparalled, upon the defeat of his movement, ayerssan showed lack of morals and stamina in his belief. he ran like little girl, hid, and surrendered to the feds and is now living under the guise of capitalism. disgraceful. he would be remembered as a great warrior of ideals had he partaken in the honorable seppuku back in the day.
actually, what a most noble and grand world this would be and such a victory for the party™ if every progressive person had the opportunity to perform most honorable seppuku.
You know comrades, this seppuku should be made mandatory for ailing senior citizens subjects over a certain age, as part of His Excellency's proposed health care reform. Mmmmmmm.... yummy! Soylent Green, anyone?
Let's return this topic from exotic digressions to the issue of rights and entitlements as related to the consumption of food and beverages in our American Motherland. For example, today I received an email notification of the following grassroots initiative down south:
=================
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds fer millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
=================
My guess is the lawyer is working for the Southern Poverty Law Center.
Good health starts with a good body. It is a right to have a healthy body at birth. Individuals cannot provide this right by themselves since, as you can see, only liberal minds have great bodies.
In name of Progress, it would be the ultimate tribute to human kind if our fatherly government could materialize this right for us - healthy babies. I don't mean that He or His Administration have to be involved in reproductive activities with the People (oh my goodness, the mensheviks could be rather disgusting, no!) But for the triumph of the Common Good, I envision the Government distributing His semen to the less fortunate of the People, whether they are blue dogs, independents, conservatives, neocons, or simply republitards.
However, if the Federal In-semen-action Commission determines that quality of results is not 100% guaranteed, and the newborns are only half-healthy: for example good body assured by His semen, but inkorrect way of thinking because of weak recipient -- we should solicit the ultimate Korrective action: cloning of The One. Can you imagine this? What a perfect nation this could be!
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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It is obvious then that we must put an end to the unconscionable profits made off the hunger and stomach cramps of others by the well-connected and powerful agricultural-industrial conglomerate of selfish farmers, predatory food packers, heartless grocers, and mercenary restaurateurs. 
The Foodicare program will cater to every American's health-through-nutrition needs in a fair and equal manner. A national menu of approved healthy foods at legal prices will be established and enforced for the public's own good. To guarantee food quality and equality, home kitchens will be disallowed and replaced with government-mandated nutrition care cafeterias, staffed with licensed and regulated health-through-nutrition care providers.
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
