WASHINGTON - In a bold move to lessen our dependence on traditional fuels and decrease carbon emissions, Congress voted to repeal an old Republican ban on perpetual motion machines, clearing the way for the development of self-propelled water wheels, self-flowing flasks, float belts, zeromotors, and other environmentally-friendly industrial equipment.

Director of the White House's Office of Science and Technology Policy John Holdren hailed the effort as an example of the hope and change President Obama's leadership promised to bring to the world. "The anti-perpetual-motion propaganda was unleashed by the previous administration in the interests of Big Oil," said Holdren, describing the "manufactured consensus" against perpetual motion as a "clever dodge" to suppress alternative competition.

"These free and clean energy sources threatened to drain profits and power from their filthy grasping hands," he added, preempting further debates by revealing potential opponents' hidden motives.

"Our intense collaboration with the scientific community has shown that a desired scientific consensus can be quickly achieved with correct redistribution of scientific grants," Holdren said. "Likewise, any alternative technological solution can be just as quickly achieved through the government funding of the effort to raise public awareness of the need to fund alternative solutions."

Leaders of the shrinking Republican opposition in Congress predictably tried to rewrite history by claiming there has never been a legal ban on perpetual motion machines, but rather a scientific proof of their impracticality. But champions of progress silenced the deniers with an irrefutable argument that many other things used to be impossible in the past - like spaceships, tractor beams, lightsabers, and medical marijuana - which are all realities today.

"Opponents of repeal have spread outrageous myths in order to derail it," stated Barbara Boxer (D-CA). Like many of her colleagues she believes that the interdiction was the result of a corporate conspiracy. Her calls for a special investigation seem to fall on willing ears of the president who famously stated during the year-long repeal campaign that "failing to legalize perpetual motion would devastate the US economy" and that "the opposition wants the country to fail."

But President Obama also stressed that his policies are open to honest debate, citing a recent disagreement with Vice President Joe Biden, who believed that the ban was caused by safety issues, since "once a perpetual motion machine starts running, how do you stop it?" The argument was settled with the help of a specially trained "science consultant" who explained to Biden the concept of a switch button and "I thought you was told to shut the f*ck up!"

Nobel Prize laureate and Oscar winning film maker Al Gore cheered the repeal, noting that "the science supporting perpetual motion is settled." Now that he no longer has to worry about his carbon footprint, he can also repeal the self-imposed restriction on nightly big steaks, frequent trips on his private jet, and leaving his 20-room mansion lit up all night long.

In spite of the evidence to the contrary, there still remain pockets of bitter scientists nationwide who, in the words of President Obama, "have been passed over for government research grants, and it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to outmoded dogmas that perpetual motion will not work, or antipathy toward alternative energy sources, or anti-utopian sentiment in general, as a way to explain their frustrations."

Channeling these age-old resentments, Republican critics are arguing that perpetual motion will require vast amounts of additional energy to keep the process moving, which would end up raising, rather than lowering energy bills. But President Obama eloquently defused this charge, stating that the deniers were "bearing false witness" against legalization and that "this will not raise anyone's energy bill one bit; in fact, you'll pay less for energy!"

Government-appointed officials at the leading auto companies, GM and Chrysler, welcomed the legalization of perpetual motion and vowed to start working on the new PM technology, calling on Congress to create a "Cash for Clunkers II" program which would pay motorists to trade in their combustion engine and hybrid autos for self-propelled perpetual motion vehicles. The initiative involves a government subsidy of a few hundred billion dollars to GM and Chrysler. Brokered by UAW officials, the deal promises to make the new technology extremely cost-effective and provide millions of jobs throughout the economy.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Congress would pass the measure as soon as it completes work on the Repeal of the Law of Gravity, a regulation which is said to be hindering the recovery in the airline industry as well as holding down the President's approval rating.

Opinion polls indicate an overwhelming support of the action by the public at large. In a scientific survey of Democrats, Democrat-leaning independents, and nominal Republicans who vote Democratic, 71% of the respondents were in favor of perpetual motion, 15% said it was the work of Satan, and 14% said "what the hell does 'perpetual' mean?" When asked if they thought perpetual motion would help or hurt the economy, 75% said "help," 10% said "hurt," and 5% said "stop bothering me you a**hole." These results were consistent across all ages, races and demographic groups.

Internationally, response to the news was mixed.

The head of the Chinese Economic Ministry praised perpetual motion as "a beautiful idea into which America should invest a lot of money," but had to cut it short due to what appeared to be fits of uncontrollable giggles and face spasms. French President Sarkozy coolly admitted, "I don't care, I'm French." Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared perpetual motion "a Zionist conspiracy" and vowed to accelerate his country's nuclear program to counter the potential menace.