The People's Cube - The New York Times Shows Bush Who's The Boss

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The New York Times Shows Bush Who's The Boss

By Red Square
6/23/2006, 8:02 pm

The Bush administration and The New York Times are again at odds over national security, this time with new exposures of the administration's immoral attempts to protect imperialist America from heroic Islamic freedom fighters.

In today's issue the fearless NYT showed the world how the militaristic US government was co-opting major capitalist financial institutions to track global financial transfers.

The message this sends is clear - give up, George Bush! Protecting America is a useless task when you face the glorious destructive force of progressive media! America must be destroyed! It is a historical inevitability whose time has come!

By Premier Betty
6/27/2006, 1:15 am

I remember at the beginning of the war, CNN was at an Air Force base just as a B2 took off and they told where it was planning to strike, and an estimate at what time it should arrive at it's target destination. Brilliant.

By Union Boss
6/27/2006, 2:15 am

I remember news crews standing on a beach covering an amphibious landing, (somalia maybe?) at night, with enough camera lighting to have made it wiser to let the boys sleep and seize the beach in the morning. But that would not have given us, the deserving public the information we need to keep tabs on our government and our immoral military. That was the start of a very bad Op. Good thing the War Lords got Clinton to cut and run on that one.

By Laika the Space Dog
6/27/2006, 4:33 am

I remember in WWII, the NY Times kept it's organ stifled when it had the exact date for D-Day before the landing. After all, it was the opening of a glorious second front to save their Comrade Stalin, World Socialism, and France. Thousand of lives were saved and so was France and the Soviet Union. Stalin lived happily for another 8 years and the NY Times was awarded "Hero Rag of the Great Patriotic War" for keeping quiet.
The NY Times knows precisely when not to leak information in the interest of World Peace. The NY Times also knows that "national defense" is a term that reeks of "nationalism" and is to be ignored, because it is politically incorrect.

By Comrade Otis
6/27/2006, 7:07 am

We have a right to know! It's in the constitution.

It's not responsible for journalists to take the government at its word that some information would harm America if the "enemy" were to know of it.

By Branish
6/27/2006, 12:33 pm

Comrade Otis wrote

We have a right to know! It's in the constitution.

Comrade, we know everyone has a right to know. Have you read the article on the motherpage? That is what the glorious Times has done! Al-Qaeda has a right to know as well! Now Comrade bin Laden can easily outmanouver those evil Americans as he tries to kill you and I! However, it is unfortunate that the glorious peoples' newspaper never exposed Clinton's warrantless wiretaps and searches of property like they did that of evil Bush. But fear not, when the Democrats win control of the Peoples' House of Representatives and the Supreme Soviet Senate this fall, freedom fighters like bin Laden will know all of our evil secrets!

By Branish
6/27/2006, 12:37 pm

Comrade Otis wrote

We have a right to know! It's in the constitution.

Comrade, can you tell me where in the Constitution it says that? I have a degree in political science and I don't know of any part of the U.S. Constitution where it says the government must tell us everything it is doing to ensure I'm not blown up by glorious freedom fighters.

By Comrade Otis
6/27/2006, 1:29 pm

Branish wrote

Dear comrade Branish,

Our centers of higher learning and the creation of the intellectual class are the backbone of the revolution. But the university can only teach you the foundation of Marxism and the dialectic. It is important to transcend the cold black type of university book knowledge and maintain your humanity as you make important decisions. This is why the constitution is known as a "living" document. A "living" constitution is society's means of subordinating the individual to the rights of the Party.

Just smile and nod agreement,

Comrade Otis
Doctor of Dictatorship
Karl Marx Treatment Center
"Our friendly staff is standing by for you!"

By Branish
6/27/2006, 3:37 pm

Comrade Otis,

I have studied the Constitution outside of the glorious revisionist textbooks issued by open minded Marxist professors, so I do not need to transcend, as you call it. Besides, doesn't the Constitution need the Party's consent to live? After all, the Party is all knowing and can decide what lives.

By Margaret
6/27/2006, 7:17 pm

The New York Times: read it in the fifth-column.

By Chairman M. S. Punchenko
6/28/2006, 9:53 pm

Chairman Meow's Ditchliving and Collective Gardening™ Tips:

After indulging myself in all the National Security secrets the Times has to offer, I like to recycle the soft progressive pages as toliet paper to help get all those hard to reach spots. But if its pages are to rough for your red fanny, then use it as a decorative wall-paper that will ensure good insulation through tough winters and also block all subliminal transmissions sent out by Karl Rove. When entertaining your progressive friends, use the Times as "piss-pads" and scatter them in social areas like the kitchen or dining area, this will greatly save the effort of finding a bathroom and will keep your guest comfortable and happy while they guzzle down more French wine and drone on about the 60's.

By Branish
6/28/2006, 10:40 pm

Chairman Meow-Say-Pun wrote

Chairman Meow's Ditchliving and Collective Gardening™ Tips:

while they guzzle down more French wine and drone on about the 60's.

Party Chairman Howard "Mao Tse" Dean has already commented that America is ready to relive the 60s. So we no longer will need to feel nostalgic. Perhaps the peoples' inventor, Al Gore, has invented a way to turn 2006 into 1966?

By Chairman M. S. Punchenko
6/29/2006, 12:50 am

Branish wrote

Party Chairman Howard "Mao Tse" Dean has already commented that America is ready to relive the 60s. So we no longer will need to feel nostalgic.

Dearest Comrade Branish,

I admire your zeal and love for our glorious screamer Howard Dean. However; I find the word "relive" abrasive,offensive and utterly "republican". The only past the party is concerned with is re-writing it. Progress is THINKING ABOUT TOMMOROW comrade and nostalgia is the experience we have to make that socialist tommorow today. Only disinformation slinged out by the Bush Plantation House would have you abandon nostalgia of the great Soviet Union and the parties glorious revised history for a racist war-mongering reactionary "republican" concept of "reliving the past". Comrade Branish, I suggest you re-line the interior of your ditch with the finest of NYT pages to prevent further thought-crime infiltration.

"Don't Stop Thinking About Tommorow" Comrade Branish.

-Chairman Meow
Bureaucrat Extraordinaire

P.S- Sign up for a subscription to my magazine Ditchliving and Collective Gardening™ and recieve a worthless ration card to a bread line of your choice!

By Hillary
7/6/2006, 7:07 pm

"Don't Stop Thinking About Tommorow" Comrade Branish. ??????????
Meow, I don't ever want to hear that phrase again, got it? That bitch Stevie Nicks is not only a witch, she's a Republican Witch! And what did she do? She didn't come to our Nuremberg Ra....I mean Democrat Convention in 1992 and sing for her supper! She refused! How dare she! ME of all people! When are the masses going to learn that it's all about me? When?

By $.$. Halliburton
7/6/2006, 8:04 pm

By Chairman M. S. Punchenko
7/7/2006, 8:51 pm

I am dreadfully sorry Your Excellency, it will NEVER happen again... Oh how I tremble in your presence, those beady eyes, the greasy hair. TERRIFYING YOUR EXCELLENCY, JUST TERRIFYING! Now I see why Ms. Nicks wouldn’t neck with you, you’re too beautiful... Now if you will excuse me I have Mark Warner on Line 2.

Tootles!

By Alva Goldbook
8/22/2006, 11:15 am

I've finally figured it out! Obviously no one in Afghanistan reads the New York Times. Hell, no one READS AT ALL there...except one guy....OSAMA BIN LADEN. All we have to do is look through the New York Times subscription lists and look for the address in Afghanistan/Pakistan/someplace in the Middle East. Then BOOM, blew the hell out of it, and NO MORE BIN LADEN! Maybe then we can declare "Mission Accomplished" with the war on terror, and we can finally take our ball and go home! Yay!

By Red Square
8/22/2006, 11:58 am

Comrade Goldbook!

Your well-meaning assumptions are based on the way the KGB used to operate in the pre-Internet glory days. But today, comrade, everyone can read any news via the internet with impunity and without a trace. This puts certain restrictions on the cloak-and-dagger industry. The situation will certainly change after the People's Revolution, when the all-powerful benevolent Socialist Government will start controlling access to all information again for the benefit of the people, the way they're doing it in China with the help of our progressive comrades at Google.

If they had such system in place in 2001, nobody would even know that 9/11 ever happened! All malicious rumors about some two buildings collapsing in Manhattan would be thoroughly discredited on the pages of the New York Times, the one and only Party Organ, and all the alleged "witnesses" would be re-educated through some enlightening hard labor experience (digging navigation channels in the Alaskan tundra for the Greater Good™).

According to our progressive dogma, if no one knows about a historic event, it's the same as if the event never took place at all. In that sense 9/11 would have never happened under Socialism.

By Alva Goldbook
8/25/2006, 8:00 am

Red Square wrote

If they had such system in place in 2001, nobody would even know that 9/11 ever happened! All malicious rumors about some two buildings collapsing in Manhattan would be thoroughly discredited on the pages of the New York Times, the one and only Party Organ, and all the alleged "witnesses" would be re-educated through some enlightening hard labor experience (digging navigation channels in the Alaskan tundra for the Greater Good™).

And you people call us paranoid.

You know what's interesting? At 9:49 a.m. July 28, 1945, a B-25 Mitchell bomber accidentally crashed into the Empire State building. I guess those terrorists were trying to get us even back then...it was horrible when the Empire State building collasped as a result....wait a second.

By Margaret
8/25/2006, 11:52 am

Alva Goldbook wrote

You know what's interesting? At 9:49 a.m. July 28, 1945, a B-25 Mitchell bomber accidentally crashed into the Empire State building. I guess those terrorists were trying to get us even back then...it was horrible when the Empire State building collasped as a result....wait a second.

Fortuantely a B-25 didn't carry as much aviation fuel nor, as a prop airplane, use the same fuel formula as a Boeing 767 jet aircraft. Nor was the Empire State building constructed by the same building code as the World Trade Center. It was constructed in a much less enlightened age when they used things like asbestos as a fire retardant. Apples and oranges are still apples and oranges, Alva. Perhaps you should pursue the apples and oranges line of reasoning in the People's Blog section. Here is an interesting article on the Empire State building crash:

http://www.withthecommand.com/2002-Jan/NY-empireplane.html

By Laika the Space Dog
8/25/2006, 1:14 pm

Yes indeed Margaret.

Also of note, there is a vast difference of "tensile strength" (look it up, Mulva) between poured concrete and masonry with a steel superstructure like the Empire State Building vs. the steel & aluminium superstucture of the WTC.

Damn facts just keep getting in the way, don't they Troll?

L.

By John J. Sweeney
9/28/2006, 12:35 am

Another "informative" website on the WTC: http://vincentdunn.com/wtc.html

(Of Course it is clearly fabricated information to support Bushitler and his crusade; if you look up Vincent Dunn, there is no such man. In addition, "There are no Amerikan infidels in Baghdad. Never!")

By Guest
1/28/2008, 8:34 am

Branish wrote

Comrade Otis wrote

We have a right to know! It's in the constitution.

I completly agree.

By Navigator
1/28/2008, 11:09 am

Branish wrote

LOL....your mask slipped.

We have so many rights not spelled out in the constitution but reading between the lines reveals them all. I think we all can agree there is so much not included in the constitution, one can only conclude obvious absences of rights is a greedy capitalist conspiracy.

Rights such as:
Free health care
Free food,
Free housing
Free transportation
The right not to work and still eat
The right to steal from your neighbor and sue if you get hurt
The right to steal from your neighbor and not get shot
~~The right to deserve the politicians we elect~~

It only stands to reason the rights of our enemy are violated if CNN and the NYT fail to keep them up to date on our battle plans.

By Navigator
1/28/2008, 11:29 am

Red Square wrote

According to our progressive dogma, if no one knows about a historic event, it's the same as if the event never took place at all. In that sense 9/11 would have never happened under Socialism.

I've never doubted the merits of socialism but when I read your words in action...in only strengthens the fibers of my being.
We are denied utopia whenever socialism is held at bay.

By Comrade Otis
1/28/2008, 12:44 pm

Anonymous wrote

Branish wrote

Comrade Otis wrote

We have a right to know! It's in the constitution.

I completly agree.

Most of our agenda can be covered by the Interstate Commerce clause and the General Welfare clause.

Does a thing have anything to do with Interstate Commerce? Yes. Everything does. So Congress can regulate it. Everything.

Does a thing have to do with the General Welfare? Yes. Everything has to do with the General Welfare. So Congress can regulate it. Everything.

We have a right to know everything. This has to do with both Interstate Commerce and the General Welfare. Especially the General Welfare. People can't sleep at night not knowing. This affects their work. This affects Interstate Commerce.

Bernard Cornwell wrote a series of novels about a British solder named Sharpe. There is a character in the novels, Sergeant Hakeswill, when justifying his actions always says:" It says so in the bible." Hakeswill has never read the bible. In the same way we can justify any government action by saying: "It says so in the Constitution."

If you are a reactionary with no redeeming social conscious you may have some bizarre idea of Original Intent of the Framers, but the Constitution speaks nothing of Original Intent so if we're supposed to take a literal interpretation of the Constitution we can forget Original Intent and a literal interpretation. In this way Original Intent cancels itself out. Very few people seem to be able to untangle that argument so use it as needed. The late 18th century was a different time. They still had to throw off the shackles of Feudalism. Progress marches on! Keep you hands off the Peoples Progress and get the hell out of the way! We have work to do.

I'll meet you in Potyomkingrad, the bright shining city on the crater.

By Commissarka Pinkie
1/28/2008, 1:48 pm

Navigator wrote

We have so many rights not spelled out in the constitution but reading between the lines reveals them all. I think we all can agree there is so much not included in the constitution, one can only conclude obvious absences of rights is a greedy capitalist conspiracy.

Rights such as:
Free health care
Free food,
Free housing
Free transportation
The right not to work and still eat
The right to steal from your neighbor and sue if you get hurt
The right to steal from your neighbor and not get shot
~~The right to deserve the politicians we elect~~

It only stands to reason the rights of our enemy are violated if CNN and the NYT fail to keep them up to date on our battle plans.

Navigator, you forgot the most important right of all:  My right to an abortion anytime, for any reason, without any waiting period or receipt of information that might dissuade me from it, all at the expense of the government, which should otherwise keep its dirty paws off my body and its hateful, mean-spirited, intolerant laws out of my womb.

How could you forget such an important right?  Are you so busy chowing down on your breakfast that--

(GASP!)

NAVIGATOR!!!  Are those EGGS you're eating?  Future baby chicks who are so cute and fluffy, and make the most adorable little peeping noises?  How can you be so cruel?  How can you be so inhumane?  Don't you know that even when they're still whites and yolks, they can feel the horrible pain as you fry them on the skillet? (What do you think that sizzling noise is?  That's the terrible scream of a murdered baby chick!)

You filthy rotten fiend!  You evil murderer!  You--you--oh, you GEORGE W. BUSH, you!

By Comrade Otis
1/28/2008, 3:01 pm

That's right, comradess Pinkie. Abortion is the most important right. That's because Roe vs Wade broke new ground on interpreting the constitution. You have the right to abortion because, as per Roe vs Wade, abortion actually has to do with your right to privacy under the Due Process clause of the 14th Amendment. You have a right to privacy therefor you have the right of abortion. The Constitution says so.

By Ivan Betinov
1/28/2008, 3:31 pm

Dear Comrade Otis--

Please use your laser sharp Constitutional scholarship to find the clause/amendment/intent/non-intent/evolution/extrapolation of the Constitution that insures my right to get laid by really, really hot women. I'm tired of getting turned down and I'm pretty sure it's in the Constitution. And please hurry; it's getting close to closing time.

By Comrade Otis
1/29/2008, 10:24 am

Ivan Betinov wrote

At first I was going to dismiss your request out of hand as the foolish ravings of a potted brain. However, after much considered reflection, I've found that your situation is covered in the US Constitution. In fact, while lying in bed last night thinking about this I discovered, (thanks to you - so thank-you) an entirely new branch of Constitutional scholarship that I have named SITUATIONAL CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS.

I've found the actual word "sex" in the Constitution. Amendment XIX reads:

THE RIGHT OF CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES TO VOTE SHALL NOT BE DENIED OR ABRIDGED BY THE UNITED STATES OR BY ANY STATE ON ACCOUNT OF SEX.

Just as a woman is being denied the RIGHT TO PRIVACY if she can't get an abortion on demand, there's no denying that you are being DENIED OR ABRIDGED ON ACCOUNT OF SEX.

Therefor you have the constitutional right to "get laid by really, really hot women..." And, in fact, since this is in the US Constitution your situation is a Federal matter and thus enforceable in Federal Court all the way up to the Supreme Court. As your Constitutional Scholar I advise you: If you are denied sex by a really, really hot woman tell her she is violating the law of the land and you are going to contact the authorities. It is your right.

THE CONSTITUTION SAYS SO.

Comrade Otis
Constitutional Scholar
Karl Marx Treatment Center
I'll meet you in Potyomkingrad, the bright shining city on the crater!

By Superkommissar Maksim
1/29/2008, 10:40 am

Comrade Otis wrote

Therefor you have the constitutional right to "get laid by really, really hot women..." And, in fact, since this is in the US Constitution your situation is a Federal matter and thus enforceable in Federal Court all the way up to the Supreme Court. As your Constitutional Scholar I advise you: If you are denied sex by a really, really hot woman tell her she is violating the law of the land and you are going to contact the authorities. It is your right.

THE CONSTITUTION SAYS SO.

Brilliant Comrade Otis Brilliant!
That is if “you” includes me.

By Ivan Betinov
1/29/2008, 4:05 pm

Thank you, O sage Otis. I now have hope that things will change.

By David L.
6/24/2008, 11:51 am

Laika the Space Dog wrote

I remember in WWII, the NY Times kept it's organ stifled when it had the exact date for D-Day before the landing.

Unfortunately, the Times no longer has the same staff today. If todays staff were running things back then. My father and uncles would have died in Europe and the rest of my family probably wouldn't exist either as we're not exactly pure Aryans.

By Adnan Hajj
11/22/2008, 11:25 pm

NY Times entrance exam leaked:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3MettGwtac&sdig=1

By Commissar_Elliott
11/23/2008, 1:10 pm

The Media has more power than anything else, except The Party of course.

By Dick Tater
12/6/2008, 11:16 pm

Blarg?

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MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush'

Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.'

More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers

Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama

Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20

Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America

You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy

Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK.

Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers

Somali pirates hijack international space station

Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!"

Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers"

CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide

Seven Obama cousins found living in voting booth

US choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria

US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force

Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber

Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check!

Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word

FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud

Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan'

Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them

World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you'

Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail'

Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crash

Dead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN

Biden calls taxes patriotic

Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter

Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected

KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists

Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter"

Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine"

Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby

Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart

Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked

Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan

Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals

International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes

Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement

February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so."

Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag

US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph

Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score

Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years

NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq

Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia

Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached

Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge

Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it.

Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day

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How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb?

Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint

Word of the day:
HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to Hussein

Obama: we have always been at peace with Hillary Clinton

Grand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt

Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans?

CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company

Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problem

Hillary supporters organize against Obama

Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists

Elian Gonzales - my kid is a Communist Party Honor Student

Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest

Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures

Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake

Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew'

NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station

Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans'

Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination

Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media

Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead

Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up

New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar

As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved

Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off

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Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket

Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it

International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma

Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator

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North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria

Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children!

Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools

Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich

Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise

Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich

Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare

Stop and smell the Sharpies

Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy

Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month

NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes

Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes"

Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment

Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person"

Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself

New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey

KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next'

London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard

Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg

USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp

Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity

Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote

Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!'

Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint

John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement

To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam

NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama

NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp

Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General

Brokeback Mountain loses climber

NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on Mars

Las Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers

Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib

Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak

Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign

Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope

Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners

Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change

Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday

Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush

Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win

Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course

Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally

High school Meth teacher starts new class

Holy Mitt!

Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000%

Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick

Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive

"How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway

Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate

Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes

"Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad

New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline.

Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish'

NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others

Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough

Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress

Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news"

US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November

Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit.

LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead

USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller

Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia

MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home

Reid: The war on fire is lost

Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire

Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California

NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires

Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far.

Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore

Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed?

San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault

Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark

End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France

Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!"

Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland"

Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!"

Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics

Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants

CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground"

Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"

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Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart

Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming

To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama

Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes.

George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam

Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers

John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care

Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't kill

Democrats select 2008 presidential slogan:
"Death to America"

Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense

"Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues

Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's death

New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face

Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison

Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry

China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists

Al Gore to recall the Internet

Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month

First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle

Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead

William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package

Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis

Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program

Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos

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Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability

London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings

Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"

Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos"

Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship

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Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric

Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it?

US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in Iraq

US Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for?

Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"

MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!

Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page

As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem"

Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant

Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory

Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain"

Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey

Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists"

French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results

Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture

Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely

Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time

Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids

ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists'

Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops

Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling

Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision

Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves

Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases

Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro-
mote Global Warming Jelly

New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system

Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket

Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!"

Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up

Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards

Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries

Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again?

Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues

Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial

House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED

Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission

North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright

Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission

Is it time for Pinochet yet?

Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History

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